All I'll Ever Love

Chapter Five: This house is not a home.

P.O.V. Mikey

The door swings loosely on it’s hinges as I ender this hell I call home. Mom is waiting for me at the kitchen table, the phone right next to her. I know I’m gonna get it from her. And Gerard’s gonna get it from dad, for not being able to keep me out of trouble.

“I got a call from the school today.” She states as if it’s supposed to surprise me. “Want to explain?” She asks, eyeing the bruise on my cheek and my busted lip.

“It was nothing.”

“Not from what I hear. They told me you got in a fight with some kids about your…sexual orientation. About your, relationship with that kid Frank you hang around with all the time.”

“Mom, I don’t wanna talk about this right now.” I reply, sitting my bag by the door and trying to avoid the conversation.

“Well I do! How could you do this? We didn’t raise you so you could turn out like this. We didn’t work so hard to bring you up to be another poor misunderstood angst filled gay teenager!” As she talks her voice gets louder, anger and disappointment bubbling beneath the surface.

“Mom!” I shout, shutting her up and getting her attention. “Do you ever think that who you want me to be and who I am are two different people?! That the life you want me to have isn’t the one I need?! I’m so sick of you thinking that you know me and what I need when you don’t!”

“Well you could try to be normal, instead of running around like some fag.”

“Jesus. You just don’t fucking get it do you? I don’t want to be someone else! I don’t want to pretend I’m something I’m not! I just want to be me. Can’t you accept that?” My voice changes from hate to frustration and sadness and all the way back again, choking on my words as tears well in my eyes.

“I don’t want you around him anymore. At all.”

“I found someone who loves me and that I can be happy with and all you can do is hate me for it? Over some stupid taboo?”

“I just want you to be normal!”

“I don’t want to be normal! I just want what feels right for me.” I turn with tears stinging my eyes, leaving the loud room behind along with her and her arguments f religious idiological differences. I know that in the past ten minutes I’ve ‘sinned’ five times. Lying, swearing, disrespecting my mother, using the lords name in vein and going against the holy word of the bible. But it doesn’t mean I was wrong.

Frank is the only thing holding me to sanity.

She can’t just take him away like that.

I curl into a ball on my bed, tears of depravity falling from my eyes. My entire body still sore from my earlier beating. And my own mother can not show remorse for her fear of being rejected by god. When religion is placed over family it becomes a hurtful thing.

At fourteen I have fallen in love with another boy only to be rejected by my own mother for my feelings of love. And she’s taking him away from me. I hurt for every moment I’m going to miss. Every night I can’t spend with him in a warm embrace. So many smiles and kisses missed because of some make believe law that was written thousands of years ago.

I get the feeling I’m not alone and look in the doorway to see Gerard standing there watching my body heave with sobs.

“I’m sorry.” He says quietly, his eyes glassy with pity. “You’ll still se him at school.” He tells me trying to make me feel better, pained by how badly I’m hurting right now. We’re close. He can hear my heart breaking. “I’m sorry.” He turns to leave but stops, looking back at me. “She might not understand or accept you, but I do. Don’t let it get to you.” His voice cracks as he walks away, my sobs not stopping for a moment.

When I’m called down for supper I just pretend to sleep. I just want to be alone. Dad doesn’t come home till late. But when he does it’s hell. Not for me, but for Gerard. Because he’s older. He’s responsible. The worry for my older brother has stopped my hollow tears and I listen as dad, in his usual drunken stupor, takes it out on Gerard. Because to dad, everything bad that happens in the family is Gerard’s fault.

“What’s this shit I heard about today?” He asks G, his words slurred.

“Why do you care?” His response is cold and hateful. He’s just trying to protect me, but I know he would still get the worst of it no matter what.

“Don’t talk to me like that.” He laughs drunkenly, seeming amused by his power. “You ought to start being a man; keep your brother out of trouble.”

”He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Bull-shit.”

”It wasn’t his fault.” Frustrated and under an alcoholic daze he lashes out at Gerard, hitting him across the face with the back of his hand as hard as he can ad pinning him down into the bed, forcing him to look into his eyes. I know how it goes by now.

“You better start listening to me you little shit. I aint gonna put up with some sissy seventeen year old telling me how it is and how it isn’t.”

”Get. Off me.” But dad doesn’t take him seriously, just laughing at the thought of Gerard actually sticking up for himself. “Get off me.” Dads tone shifts and he suddenly doesn’t find it funny anymore. Even in the next room over, I can see what’s happening in my mind as dad closes his hand around G’s thin creamy neck and squeezes, feeling the crack of his windpipe, listening to him choke for air as he pushes him into the bed. Satisfied with the pain he’s causing he laughs to himself, giving G one final shove downwards into the mattress before letting go and leaving the room, breathing insults as he walks down the hall.

As soon as I know he’s gone I quietly get up and walk into Gerard’s room.

“Are you okay?” I ask him and he quickly wipes his tears away.

“Yea I’m fine.” But I can see through his false-ness and into the pain and bear beneath it.

“I’m sorry.” I tell him and his eyes brim over with tears spilling out over onto his cheeks, dads marks covering his face and neck. He knows just as well as I do that this is because of me.

He always takes the heed for when something’s wrong with me. It’s dads sick game. By taking it out on Gerard he me feel guiltier than anything. It hurts more this way than if he’d beat me.

“We’ll get out of here someday.” I promise him and he nods. I shouldn’t have to take care of my older brother, but I do because I’ll feel guilty f I don’t. That heavy guilt from knowing he goes through hell for me.

“Get back to bed.” He tells me silently. “you don’t need to worry about me.” I know he just doesn’t want me to see him cry. I walk out of his room quietly walking to my own. Downstairs Ican hear mom and dad arguing. I can only really make out parts of it, but I have a good idea of what they’re fighting about.

I sneak into dads office and pick up the phone quietly dialing Franks number. His mom answers on the third ring.

“Hello?”

“Is Frank there?”

“Mikey? Hi, yea he’s in his room. I’ll see if he’s awake.” A couple minutes later, I’m greeted by a groggy Frank. One who obviously just woke up.

“Hello.” The sound of his voice brings me to tears. Soft silent tears.

“Hi…”

“What’s wrong?”

“I need you. I’m sorry, so sorry, I know It’s late, but I need you….” I drip into tears and he tries to comfort me on the other end of the phone.

“Are you okay?”

“Yea…well I don’t know…I…I just need you…” Despite the fact that it’s late, and that both of us are dead if my parents catch him here, he jumps to his feet.

“I’ll be there in a minute.” The phone clicks and all I hear is the dial tone.

I sit in my bed, the minutes dragging on like hours, as tears fall from my eyes and I curl into myself, wishing he was here beside me right this second. What is taking him so long?

The pebbles being tossed up at my window break me from my trance and I jump up to open it. He waves to me, standing down below before crawling up onto the room of the porch and slipping through the open window. With out a moments hesitation he wraps his arms around me and caries me to my bed, sitting with me in his lap as I start to cry again.

“Shhh…Baby what’s wrong?” He looks in my tear filled, swollen eyes and brushes the wetness away. “It’s okay…calm down, what’s the matter.” I stop crying long enough to answer him.

“Mom found out about us.” I sniffle. “She wont let me see you anymore.” He tries to sooth me, holding me close to his chest as if protecting me. I sink into the familiar warmth, wishing I could stop time and that he’d never have to leave. Wishing that least of all my own mother could love me.

“Shhh…He holds me back to look into my eyes. “There’s nothing in this world that could keep me from seeing you. You know that.”

“I know but…It’s not gonna be the same.”

“What do you mean?” I clear my nose out, sucking up air and snot, trying to breath.

“We...I can’t go to your house or anywhere where I might see you…” I fight to hold back tears as I’m talking to him. “No more nights where we fall asleep together or wake up beside each other. She’s taking you away…” He holds me tightly, laying down with me in his arms, kissing the tears off my cheeks until I’ve stopped crying.

“I’m always gonna be here babe.. Nothing will change. I wont let it.” He brushes the hair out of my face softly and kisses my lips before getting up and making sure my door is locked. “I’ll stay with you tonight okay.” He offers. “She can’t stop something she doesn’t know about.” Crawling back on my bed he pulls me into his arms and I curl into him. “It’s going to be okay. I promise. Believe me?” He asks, kissing the top of my head.

“Yes.” I say weekly. “I guess so.” He chuckles at me.

“God enough.” He rubs my back affectionately, kissing my lips with a softness that can’t be described. “I love you. No…I’m in love with you. Deeply in love.

“I love you too.” I say almost giggling at him.

“It’ll be okay.” He reassures me. For a long while he holds me in silence, not breathing a word.

“I’m falling asleep.” I inform him, feeling like passing out.

“Then sleep.” He tells me as I start undressing down to my boxers and I crawl under the blankets.

“C’mon.” I urge. “Get under with me.” He sheds his clothes, down to a t-shirt and his boxers, crawling under with me and I wrap myself up in his arms lacing our legs together in a full body hug. “good night.” I whisper.

“G’night.”

The warmth of his body comforts me and I feel like nothing can keep us apart. For now at least

“Thank you for coming, to take care of me. I love you.”

“Shhh…Get to sleep. When you wake up this’ll all just be a dream.