You are not enough

Gerard wasn't typically good-looking like Frank. Frank had the potential to be the all-American, perfectly handsome husband that was desirable to almost every female in America. All accept me it seemed. Instead I wanted Gerard. He wasn't skinny like Frankie, his hair wasn't perfectly coiffed, his clothes were rumpled and paint-spattered but that wasn't what I saw when I shook his hand that first time. I saw a man with sadness in his eyes, with intelligence shining from his every pore, but still with that air of mystery and of danger.
He stared at me with his amber eyes and my soul seemed to ignite, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of mistakes and possibilities.

"You haven't burnt the kitchen down have you?" Frank joked, breaking the layer of silence that had descended over my mind...had anyone else noticed me staring gormlessly?

"No dude it's fine," Gerard replied, he broke his gaze and the warm glow I had been basking in gace way to a chill as his eyes left me. He walked away into the kitchen and the three of us trailed after him sitting down at the square table in the centre. The guys talked away between themselves but it all sounded completely muffled to me. All I saw was him walking slowly around the kitchen, picking up this and that, he moved in my eyes with the fluidity of an angel.

"You ok Sarah?" Frank said, putting his arm around me and pulling me close. Gerard stopped what he was doing and looked towards us, I could have sworn I saw a flicker of jealousy in his beautiful eyes.

"Fine babe," I replied, smiling as sweetly as I could muster when my insides were burning with guilt. "Could I use your bathroom?" I said, I needed some time just to figure out how I was going to act for the rest of this visit. It was just a stupid crush...I was still allowed to have those right? It was just like having a crush on a movie star...just that in this situation the 'movie star' was your boyfriend's best friend.

"Sure. I'll show you where it is," Gerard said, and my heart leapt. He walked back into the living room and I followed leaving Mikey and Frank talking about something I hadn't taken any notice of.

"So do you and Mikey live here with your parents?" I asked as Gerard led me up the dark stairwell. Just keep talking and I won't make a fool of myself.

"Yeah...can't afford to leave just yet," he replied, his mouth twisting into a half-smile that made my heart skip a beat. He stopped suddenly halfway along the narrow corridor. One half of his face was bathed in light, while the other was in complete darkness giving him the impression of being some sort of phantom of the opera character. But a sexy one nonetheless. "It's just that door there," he said, pointing a hand towards a door on the left a little further way down the passage.

"Thanks," I smiled, moving past him slowly. I felt his hand grab my wrist gently, and I didn't attempt to brush him off. He pulled me to him and pressed his lips to mine with just the right mix of rough and soft. It seemed that we were standing there for hours, days, years, but only a minute or so passed before we pulled apart. Silence fell, all we could hear was our matching heavy breathing as we remained pressed close together in the darkness.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, our noses almost touching and his lips brushing mine.

"Don't be," I replied. "I wanted it to happen." He smiled softly and ran his knuckles along my flushed cheek.

"No...this is wrong. Please...forgive me," he stuttered, as he released my aching body and walked swifty back towards the stairs, leaving me to contemplate why he'd kissed me and what was going to happen next.

...........
Present Day
...........

I felt my cheeks flush red once more as I recalled that first and only time we had ever kissed. We had come so close just minutes before and I wanted him just as badly now, maybe more so, than that time in the darkened corridor of his house.

"I told Ray I needed some air," I heard a voice say. It was him of course.

"Why would you do that?"

"Because I didn't want you to be alone," he admitted. I looked up and he was merely two yards away, his hands running through his hair as always.

"I'm always alone. I've been alone ever since I met you," I said, my voice breaking.

"You have Frank," he reasoned but I shook my head.

"He's not the one I want and I feel dirty and disgusting for admitting what I want," I spat, tears beginning to break on the horizon.

"How can being in love with someone be dirty?" he said, closing the gap between us and attempting to take me in his arms. I resisted and slid a few inches along the bus.

"Because it's you that I want. It's you that I'm in love with," I said softly, looking into his wide eyes and wishing it was easier. Thinking that this should be a happy moment when instead it was fraught with danger and indecision.

"You know we can't though. You have to understand that Sarah," he replied, just as softly. This angered me, I wanted him to tell me that it couldn't happen, order me that it all had to end...the lingering looks, the soft touches, the kisses on the cheek at bedtime that lingered just a little too long.

"THEN WHY ARE YOU DRAWING ME?" I said loudly, pushing the sketch pad in my hands into his chest. "Huh? Gerard. Why?" He looked at me shocked and a little bit hurt. I knew he was always secretive about his drawings and I had broken that unspoken rule. His mouth gaped open as he attempted to decide what to say. I just stared, waiting for an answer.

"I can't stare at the real you can I? Not when there are always people watching us. I have to have your image to look at when I'm alone, when I can pretend that our love is not a secret," he wiped at tears that had leaked onto his cheeks.

"It doesn't have to be a secret," I said, reaching out a hand and touching his arm. Pulling myself towards him and talking against his warm, soft lips. "Frank will never be enough...do I have to spend all my life unhappy?"

Gerard turned his head away firmly, breaking the small amount of contact our lips had made. "It's not that simple." His cheeks were flushed and his body stiffened against mine.

I pulled away completely, restoring the distance between us. "This is what makes me feel dirty Gerard. All of this uncertainty and sneaking around...stolen kisses in the dark. Can you live with paper versions of me forever? Because I sure as hell don't want to be just a picture to you." I walked back onto the bus, leaving him with just pictures and memories of hot kisses and dark corridors.