Things I'll Never Say

A/N: Thank you to everyone who rewieved me.
Disclaimer: Title is owned by Alexander Pope, so is the poem in the end of this chapter.

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"Your first love is special, come on, we all know that. Your first kiss, your first, crush and your first sex. Those things are something you want to share with someone you can trust beyond imagination. And your brother is someone you can trust beyond imagination."

Gerard lifted his pencil from the paper for a few seconds, biting his lower lip.

"If you really love someone as much as I love Mikey, then how can it be wrong? Us falling asleep together each night, and us waking up holding each other every morning. It feels so right, and I love Mikey to death. I never want us to break up; I know that without him life just can't be the same.

Sometimes it's like I can't breathe, and I have to stop for a second to take a deep breathe. He makes my life complete, he makes me feel good about myself.
My dear baby brother, the person I love so much.
I didn't want to fall in love with him, and I didn't want him to fall in love with me.
Sometimes you just can't hide from your feelings I guess.
Sometimes you can't decide what's going to happen to you.
Life really is unpredictable.
I know that, and I love that.

I love Mikey.
I love Mikey.
I love Mikey."

Gerard put the pen down and looked at the page in his diary for a few seconds before closing it. He knew he shouldn't write about it, what if someone found his diary and read it all.
But Gerard needed to get it out of his system. He loved Mikey more than anything, and he needed it to be written down. Forever saved inside an old diary.

He turned his head towards the door as he heard it open and Mikey walked in. His beautiful beautiful baby brother. God how he loved him.

"I love you." He said when Mikey smiled and walked against him. He said that a lot, but there was a reason for it. Gerard was scared that someone would find out. He was scared that he would lose Mikey, without the chance to tell him how much he loved him.

"I love you too." Mikey replied as he kissed Gerard softly, before grabbing his hand and pulling him to his feet. "We'll be late for band practice, and I don't want to piss them off again." Mikey dragged a reluctant Gerard towards the door.
Gerard didn't feel like having band practice, but he knew he had too.

Gerard and Mikey had told the band they had to take a break from the band, simply to spend as much time with each other as they could before the summer was over and they had school again. But Bob had called Mikey the day before, telling them to get their asses to Frank's house the day after or else. Mikey agreed with Bob and told him they'd be there.

With one last look over at the diary, Gerard sighed and followed Mikey out the door, hand-in-hand.

*

"Mikey get off!" Gerard laughed as he and Mikey tried to get their shoes off. Or well Mikey had jumped up on Gerard's back as soon as his shoes where off, making the older brother almost fall over.
"Make me!" He said simply, clinging to his brothers' back.

Gerard felt his face grow hot and he wanted nothing more than throw Mikey off and kiss him, but their parents where home so he couldn't.
"Mikey!" He said in a warning tone. Mikey heard the tone Gerard used and jumped off him.
"Race you to our room!" He said poking Gerard in the stomach before running off towards their room. Gerard gave out a snort but followed quickly after.

When they opened the door to their room to see their mother sitting at Gerard's desk they knew instantly that something was wrong.

Gerard felt his heart stop when he noticed her holding his diary.
"Mom you read my diary?" He said tears stinging the back of his eyes.
He could see her eyes being red; he knew she had been crying.

Mikey looked from the diary to their mother, and to his brother. He knew what Gerard wrote in that diary, and that he ended each entry with writing 'I love Mikey' three times. In fact he had written a sloppy 'I love Gerard too' at the bottom of almost every entry.
He felt Gerard grab his hand as their mother opened her mouth to speak.

"Is it true?" Was all she managed to choke out before she started crying again.
Mikey tightened his grip on Gerard's hand and glanced at his brothers' face. Surprised to find tears rolling down them.

"It is." Gerard said softly before letting out a sob. He felt so stupid, how could he just leave the diary lying there? And how could his mother just walk right in and read it.
He sobbed again as Mikey squeezed his hand lightly.

At the sight of his brothers' tears Mikey started crying himself. This was their worst nightmare, someone finding out what they were doing.

Their mother took a deep breath before standing up. "This is wrong, don't you get that?" She said, her voice shaking with anger and grief. When neither of them answered she opened the book and began to read from it.

"Today me and Mikey had sex for the first time, it was amazing and he makes me feel so happy. I love my brother more than anything, and I just wish we could be together forever."

She glared at them, and they squirmed under her gaze. Gerard was crying hard, but Mikey was just sobbing quietly. "THIS IS WRONG!" She yelled causing them to flinch.
She however didn't care, she just kept on shouting.
"IT'S ILLEGAL AND IT'S WRONG! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING GERARD?"

Gerard looked at the floor but Mikey took a step forward.
"Don't you dare talk to my brother like that!" He said in a loud voice. He was not going to let her blame this on Gerard. They were both in on this, not just Gerard.

"WHY?" She screamed, not paying any attention to Mikey's attempt to protect Gerard.
"Why?" She asked again, more calmly this time.

This time Gerard spoke up. "I love him, that's why." He said looking her in the eyes for the first time since he had entered the room.

Donna didn't say anything more; she just stared at her two sons crying. She didn't know what to do. But something had to be done, and fast. She just left, not even looking at them. She was going to talk to their father about this; he was going to have to help her stop it. It was illegal and wrong, no matter how much they thought they loved each other.

The two brothers barely noticed her leaving. The only thing they cared about was that the other was crying. "Schhh." Mikey said taking the crying Gerard in his arms. He held him close and let Gerard cry against his shoulder.

Gerard wrapped his arms around Mikey as he sobbed. He could feel his brother shaking and knew he was crying as well. He rubbed his arms up and down Mikey's back.

*

"No matter what happens we'll get through this," Gerard whispered later that night as they lay in his bed on their sides, facing each other.
He kissed his brother softly before continuing, "And I want you to know I'll always love you, no matter what!"

He really meant it. There was nothing their mother could do to break them apart.
He knew she wouldn't call the police, after all he was her son, and even if they did that it wouldn't keep them apart.

Mikey caressed his brothers' face with his fingertips and leaned in to kiss him again, harder this time. "Make love to me." He said softly as he kissed Gerard again.

Gerard responded by gently pushing his brother by the shoulders so he was on his back, and then he climbed on top of him slowly. He started kissing his brother, soon deepening the kiss as the passion between them awoke. He rocked his hips against Mikey's making him moan in his mouth, a sound that almost drove Gerard crazy with lust. He let his hands find the hem of Mikey's t-shirt and he broke the kiss just long enough to get it over his head.

Soon they had gotten rid of all clothes and were lying together, naked, just as God had created them. Gerard was still on top and he slowly reached for the bottle of lube on the bedside table.
They took it slow, much slower than usual.
Mostly they would just rip off their clothes and they would touch each other everywhere, almost exploding with lust. But this time it was different, it was slow and gentle, because they knew it could be the last time they made love in a very long time.
Because this was love making, not the usual raw sex they usually had.

Gerard took it slow as he entered Mikey, making him moan in both pain and pleasure. They had done this many times now, so he was used to it, and he knew it would get better soon.

Gerard started with a slow pace, taking his time to kiss his brother gently as they made love. Mikey let his hands run through Gerard's hair as he moaned again in pleasure.
"Faster Gerard." He said against his brothers' mouth.
Gerard didn't reply, he just started moving his hips faster and faster.

"I love you." He said as he came, his younger brother replying the same thing as he came only seconds later. Gerard slowly slid out from Mikey and lay down next to him, wrapping his arms around his skinny body. Mikey buried his face in Gerard's hair and kissed his neck.

"You and me Gerard, forever."


"How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot.
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd."

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A/N: So I know it's not the usual sex that you'd expect, but I thought this fitted better.
I liked this. Rate and Review?
^_^