louder than words

Bam rested his head against the bathroom door, trying to resist the urge to just slam his head against it until he knocked himself out. He couldn't belive he'd actually kissed him like that. He'd only meant for it to be a chaste, thank you kiss, but as soon as his lips touched Ville's soft perfect ones he couldn't resist tasting the man that was forbidden to him.

He could only imagine how angry Ville was with him and he was dreading the moment he had to step out of the bathroom and face him again. Stepping into the shower, he took as long as he possibly could until he felt that if he stayed under the water any longer he'd grow gills, and taking equally as long drying off and getting dressed inanely hoping that Ville would have gotten tired of waiting and gone out by the time he'd finished.

Of course he had no such luck and when he stepped out of the bathroom, Ville was sitting at the desk scribbling furiously into another notebook and sipping at a cup of tea. For the first time since he'd realised he couldn't speak, Bam was glad, at least this way he didn't have to think of anything to say when those expressive green eyes were burning into his own like that. Unable to keep eye contact as Ville opened his mouth to say something, Bam gazed down at the floor praying that he wasn't about to be kicked out.

"I have to get going to the gig in a few minutes, did you want to come or are you going to hang out here tonight?"

I think I might stay here if that's ok, I'm pretty tired.

"Sure, no problem. I'll see you later then."

Bam didn't know what to think as Ville left the hotel room with one last smile directed at him. Where was the anger?, why wasn't he yelling at him and demanding that he leave? Instead he was acting like nothing had happened and for some reason that hurt almost as much.

Frustrated, he threw himself on the sofa automatically breathing in Ville's scent that still lingered on the pillow before throwing it across the room in a fit of irrational anger. What was he doing? He couldn't be developing feelings for Ville, he just couldn't. It didn't matter how sweet and kind and beautiful his saviour was, nothing could ever happen between them, he wasn't good enough, no one wanted someone who was used and broken.

He remembered the first time he'd trusted someone after becoming homeless, the guy had given him money for a meal, then gone in and brought it for him when the shop wouldn't allow Bam inside. It had only been a McDonald's but at that point Bam would have eaten anything and it would have tasted like gormet cuisine. After he'd eaten though was when he learned that being homeless meant that you were just a part of the street like a pebble to be kicked or a piece of trash to be thrown away. After he'd eaten is when he was taught to never trust anybody.

He could still remember the fear when the nameless guy demanded paying back in a way that he wasn't comfortable with, he remembered the exruciating pain as his rapist slammed repeatedly into his unprepared body, drawing scream after scream from him until his voice gave out leaving him with harsh sobs. And most of all, he remembered feeling dirty and digusted, self loathing as he was left in the filthy alley naked and bleeding with no way to clean off the reminder of what had happened.

That was the last time he spoke and the last time he trusted.

It wasn't the last time it happened to him though, the longer he went without food and the weaker he became the more it seemed to happen. He thought sometimes about just allowing it to happen and maybe making some money from it just to be able to gain something from the horrific experiences but he couldn't bear to degrade himself like that.

He knew he should tell Ville about it all, and a large part of him wanted to despite the fear that the band would either hate him or use him the same way those men did but it wasn't something he wanted to say on paper. So, for the first time in years, Bam found himself wanting to speak.

Meanwhile, Ville was on stage trying his best to give it his all and make it a great gig but his eyes kept drifting to the side of the stage where Bam had stood last time and his mind kept replaying the kiss they'd shared and the scared, confused look on Bam's face when he'd finally ventured back into the room.

He didn't know where he stood with the boy, he seemed to trust him and he'd practically admitted that he was at least a little attracted to him but he also knew that he was far too messed up to be involved in a relationship just yet. As he finally left the stage, he decided that no matter how awkward it might be, him and Bam were going to have to talk.

He'd managed to think up a rough speech by the time he got back and was ready to use it the next morning when Bam woke up. Opening the door quietly, Ville was suprised to find that not only was Bam still awake but he was concentrating so intently on what he was doing that he hadn't even noticed that Ville was there. He was sitting at the desk with an open newspaper in front of him, making strange gutteral noises and every so often he would get frustrated and slam his fist down on the table, a few tears escaping his eyes.

"Bam? What are you doing sweetheart?" Ville asked quietly.

Spinning round in shock at the voice, Bam stared at him wide eyed, shaking his head and trying to make himself look innocent.

"It's ok, you can tell me, maybe I can help."

I was trying to read out loud. Bam wrote after some hesitation. I want to be able to talk.

Looking at the distraught face in front of him, Ville felt his chest ache with sympathy. "I know sweetheart." He soothed, crouching down besides him. "I'd love for you to be able to talk as well but it takes time, you'll get there eventually so don't worry if you can't do it straight away."

But I should be able to do it. It's a normal human function, it's not like I'm trying to learn something new.

"I get that it's frustrating for you, I really do but I called a doctor about you when we first met because I wasn't sure how to help you and he told me that the mixture of the trauma you experienced and the fact that you just didn't have anyone to talk to for so long is what caused you to lose your voice. He said in most cases the persons voice will come back after a while if they keep trying and you know I'll help you in any way I can."

Really? You think it will come back?

"Of course. You just watch, in a few months we won't be able to shut you up!"

Bam gave a small smile. There's so much I want to explain to you about myself and my past but I don't want to write it down. I want to be able to answer any questions properly.

"Is that what prompted you to start this?" Ville gestured to the newspaper and Bam nodded. "Ok, just remember to do this for you not just for me. Now come on, you must be exhausted, you should get some sleep especially since you're starting work tomorrow."

Nodding tiredly Bam allowed himself to be herded into the bathroom with his sweatpants and then guided into bed once he was changed. It wasn't until Bam had fallen asleep that Ville finally remembered that they'd never had the talk.

The next morning Bam was actually awake beforre Ville, nerves making it impossible for him to sleep. Taking a quick shower, he pulled on a pair of baggy jeans and a black tshirt before returning to the main room to pace restlessly, pausing briefly every now and again to gaze at Ville's sleeping form. It didn't take long for Ville to wake, glancing blearily up at the obviously aggitated boy walking mindlessly around the room.

"Bammie, calm down you're gonna be fine. They're nice guys and they'll look after you. We told them about you not being able to talk so you don't need to worry about that, just take your notebook with you so you can talk to them."

When Bam remained unconvinced, Ville continued with his quest to make Bam relax. "Ok, tell you what, after the gig tonight once you've finished work we'll go out for a late showing of that film you wanted to see to celebrate your first day. I'll even buy you some popcorn, how does that sound?"

Perfect.

"Good." ville grinned. "You better be heading off then. Good luck, you'll be fine and I'll see you back here after the gig."

As Bam left, despite the fact that it was going to help him regain some independance, Ville couldn't help but feel guilty that he was the one to put Bam in such an alien situation.

*****

When Bam arrived at the venue to see trucks full of large equipment and lots of huge, muscled guys running around barking orders at each other, his slight nerves almost turned into a full blown panic attack. Before he could turn and run back to the safety of the hotel room though, he was approached by one of the men.

"You must be Bam." He said gruffly.

Nodding timidly, Bam forced himself to meet the big man's eyes, expecting them to be cold and standoffish like his tone but he was suprised to find them filled with warmth and humor.

"I'm Luke and I'm the boss around here so you follow my orders. If you can do that and work to the best of your ability, we'll get along fine and have a laugh along the way. If you can't follow orders however, and plan on spending most of your time slacking off, you can leave now because I won't tolerate some irresponsible idiot doubling the workload and possibly putting my crew in danger.Is that clear?"

Bam nodded silently, still looking a bit like a startled deer.

"Ville's told me a lot about you and says you'll do well despite having no experience and I trust his judgement so don't give me a reason not to."

I'd never let Ville down after he's been so good to me.

Luke smiled. "I think I'm gonna like you, Bam. Let me show you around and introduce you to a few people. They're all decent blokes but if you do have a problem with any of them, come to me rather than dealing with them personally. I don't condone fighting on my team."

Bam nodded in relief. He had no intention of starting a fight with a guy that was three times bigger than he was, it didn't take a genius to work out how that fight would end.

He found himself introduced to Simon, who was almost as quiet as he was, Dean, who started flirting with him the moment they met, Matt, the joker of the group and Leon, who proclaimed himself Bam's protecter after Matt made a joke about him being a mute and Leon promised that if he took the piss out of Bam again he'd take a piece of Gas's drum kit and....well lets just say that Bam was still wincing from the description when the gig was over and they started taking the set apart.

By the time they'd finished, Bam was ready to drop. His entire body ached, his muscles screamed in protest every time he moved and he was ready to fall into his bed but he'd never been happier. He stumbled wearily back to the hotel and up to his room, his eyelids already drooping sleepily, but they opened wide with realisation when he saw that Ville was already changed and waiting for him.

"Hi Bammie, how was your first day? You've got time to shower before we leave if you want." He took one look at Bam's sheepish face and realised what had happened. "You forgot didn't you. Don't worry, we can go another time if you're too tired."

Ville kept his voice happy and caring but Bam could tell he was a little disappointed.

I did forget and I'm really sorry but I still want to go.

"It's ok honestly, we can go another day."

No, please can we go tonight, I really wanna go.

The hopeful look in those big blue eyes was too much for Ville to resist and he gave in, not really minding too much if he were honest. Smiling happily, Bam bounded into the bathroom with a change of clothes only to emerge a short while later wearing fashionably worn jeans with a chain belt and a clingy black shirt with his new blazer completing the look. In short, he looked breathtakingly gorgeous and Ville almost choked on his own tongue. Thankfully though, he managed to recover before Bam thought there was something wrong.

"The coat looks good on you." He said hoarsely, trying to get his heart to stop pounding quite so loudly.

Thank you.

Bam blushed and avoided his gaze but the beaming smile was still obvious. Ville grabbed his long black wollen coat, a beanie and his red sparkly scarf and followed Bam out the door, admiring the way his jeans clung to his ass. He'd booked a taxi to take them to the cinema becasue it was cold at night and he had no idea where the nearest cinema was, and it was already waiting for them when they got to the door.

The ride there was made in comfortable silence, neither man feeling the need to spoil it, and when they arrived Ville brought two tickets to the latest Harry Potter film.He had no idea which one it was and he didn't particularly care but it was what Bam wanted to see so he feigned interest to make sure he didn't make him feel guilty. He also kept his promise and brought them a huge bucket of sweet popcorn to share which earned him one of the gorgeous shy smiles that always made his heart flutter.

The cinema was pretty much deserted and they found there were only three other people there. They chose seats out of the way of the other people but where they had a perfect view of the screen. Settling into their seats and placing the popcorn on the armrest between them, they realised that they'd made it just in time as the lights started to dim almost straight away.

Ville watched the trailers avidly, finding a couple that he'd like to see once they were released, maybe even taking Bam to see them with him. Seeing that Bam was still enthralled with what was on the screen, Ville smirked wickedly before picking up a kernal of popcorn and throwing it at him. He couldn't repress a giggle though when it bounced off Bam's temple and he got a half hearted glare for his trouble.

Suddenly Bam grinned evily and picked up a handful of popcorn, shoving it down Ville's shirt before he could react. Laughing breathlessly Ville tried to pick it all out, throwing each kernal back at Bam as he did. Finally though, their laughter had to calm because the movie was starting and the other people were starting to get irritated by them.

Smiling contentedly, they both turned their attention to the screen although Ville wasn't that interested in it. The film was pretty long and although it wasn't as bad as he'd thought it was going to be, there were much better things he'd rather have been watching. Bam had wanted to see it though so it was worth sitting through especially as he was so enraptured with it that he hadn't even moved in his seat.

As the film finally ended and the lights came back on, Ville realised that the reason Bam hadn't moved wasn't because he was enjoying the film but because he'd fallen asleep. Reaching over, Ville shook him gently, not wanting to startle him.

"Bam, time to wake up, we have to go."

Bam's eyes blinked open slowly in confusion until he remembered where he was. His face suddenly falling, he attempted to write something down but Ville stopped him softly.

"You can write down whatever it is you want to say when we get out of here because they're gonna kick us out if we don't move soon."

They wandered into the foyer and Bam sat down and started writing as Ville called for a taxi back to the hotel.

I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep. You went to all this trouble for me and I ruined it. Bam looked genuinely upset and Ville couldn't help but melt.

"It's ok sweetheart, I'm not angry, I'm just sorry you missed the film. I should have let you sleep instead."

I don't care about the film. Bam confessed. I just wanted to spend some time with you. You make me feel normal, like I might be worth something.

"You are worth something. You are worth so much more than you realise." Ville said firmly, dropping onto the seat next to him. "I'm glad you wanted to spend time with me becasue I always enjoy it when we do things together. Maybe next time we can both be awake though!"

Bam blushed at Ville's teasing but managed to deliver a retort. And maybe we can do something that both of us are interested in. I wasn't so tired that I didn't notice how bored you were.

This time it was Ville's turn to blush. "I didn't mind. It wasn't too bad actually and I knew how much you wanted to see it." Suddenly he felt the need to explain himself to Bam.

"Look, I know this isn't the time or the place for this conversation but it's the best chance I've had so far to tell you. I care about you. Probably a lot more than I should and I'm attracted to you. I don't want you to be scared or awkward around me because I promise you that I'm not going to try anything or expect anything from you. I'm not sure how you feel for me but that doesn't even matter at the moment because we both know that even if you were interested in me you're not ready for a relationship. I'm perfectly happy to just be your friend and to be able to help you if you'll still let me."

Bam sat wide eyed and shocked for so long that Ville was starting to think he'd ruined everything when suddenly he started scribbling quickly into his notebook.

I don't really know what to say. I'm not sure what I feel for you but I know I like and trust you more than anyone else I've ever met and for me that's a huge thing. I kinda like it when we kiss but I'm not ready for anything sexual. Maybe if you could wait for me, when I can talk again we can discuss this again, properly?

Ville smiled as he read the note and saw that Bam was still blushing from admitting he liked their kisses. "I'll wait forever for you if that's what it takes."

Leaning forward, he brushed a quick, gentle kiss over Bam's lips. "Come on, the taxi's here,let's get back to the hotel." Holding out his hand to help Bam up, Ville couldn't help but smile when Bam didn't let go once they were both standing.

******

The next two months flew by in a haze of work, going out and trying to get Bam to talk and they were both completely exhausted by the time the last show came around.

As he came off stage, Ville grinned wearily. They had two weeks off before they started their European tour and as much as he loved his job, he was glad of the break. He hurried down the corridor, planning on finding Bam and seeing if he wanted to go out somewhere to celebrate the time off. Humming contentedly, he waved as he saw Luke walking towards him.

"There you are. Listen, I don't want you to panic because it's nothing too serious but Bam's had an accident. He's being taken to the nearest hospital now, I thought you'd want to know."

"Take me to the hospital right now and on the way you can tell me what the fuck happened." Ville's terrified face and furious tone left no argument and Luke swiftly led him to one of the hired cars, not wasting any time in starting the engine and pulling out of the parking lot.

"I don't know what happened." Luke explained. "All I know is that we introduced him to the new roadie, Dan and I was told that they already knew each other so I let them work together because I thought they'd both feel more comfortable with someone they knew. Next thing I know, Bam is screaming out in pain and when I got there it seems like a piece of the light rigging had fallen onto him."

"Oh my god. How bad is it?" Ville wasn't sure if he'd want to hear the answer but he knew he needed to be prepared for the worst.

"The rigging was pretty light so we're hoping it didn't do too much damage but we won't know until we get there so there's no use in thinking the worst. He was concious the whole time though and in personal experience, that's a good thing."

"Fine. So where did Dan say he knew Bam from anyway?"

"He didn't really tell us, just joked around. He said he knew Bam from the streets. Kids nowadays can't even give you an answer for something that simple."

Ville gave a weak grin in response. He had a sick feeling that he knew how they knew each other but he hoped he was wrong. They finally reached the hospital and Ville was heading to the doors before Luke had even managed to get out of the car.

Heading straight to the reception desk, he got their attention. "Hi, I need to see Brandon Margera, he might have put his name down as Bam. Can you tell me where he is please?"

"Are you family?" The receptionist asked as Luke finally caught up with him.

"He doesn't have any family, I'm his boyfriend." Ville lied, desperate to see if Bam was ok.

"What's your name sir?"

"Ville Valo."

"Ah yes, here we go, he's got you down as his next of kin. We've put him in a private room for now, it's number 6 on the third floor but he might still be in x-ray when you get there." Thanking her profusely, Ville darted for the elevator, Luke in tow.

"It's just a minor accident Ville, what are you so worked up over?"

"I let him down. I promised him I wouldn't let him get hurt, that I'd keep him safe."

"You can't protect people from accidents, they happen." Luke said gently, trying to comfort him.

"I don't think it was completely an accident."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"It doesn't matter, not til I find out if I'm right."

They'd reached the room by this time and Ville scanned it quickly seeing no sign of Bam. Turning to go and find where he was, Ville came face to face with a nurse pushing Bam towards them in a wheelchair and, much to his relief, although Bam seemed slightly pale and in a little bit of pain, there were no visible injuries.

"Bammie, are you ok? What happened sweetheart?"

Bam made a few helpless noises and Ville realised that in the panic, neither of them had thought to bring anything to write on.

"Oh, it's ok. I'll go down to the shop and buy a notebook in a little bit." He turned to the nurse. "So, can we take him home soon?"

"We'd prefer Mr.Margera to stay overnight. Whatever fell on him landed on his torso and although the x-rays are showing nothing wrong we'd like to keep him under observation tonight and redo the x-rays tomorrow morning just to make sure."

Ville sighed. "Fine, but I'm staying with him."

The nurse looked like she was going to argue but she saw the determination on his face and gave in. "Very well. I'll get you a cot bed set up next to his."

"Thank you." He gave her a charming smile that made her blush heavily and Bam to glare at her jealously. Turning his attention back to Bam, he helped the younger boy into bed, trying not to notice how thin the hospital gown was and wincing in sympathy when Bam whimpered in pain.

Luke went with the nurse to fill out the rest of the forms while Ville tucked Bam firmly into bed. "You scared me half to death Bam." Ville sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed.

Sorry, Bam mouthed, and the unshed tears in his eyes prompted Ville to lean forward and pull him into a gentle hug, careful not to hurt him.

"It wasn't your fault Bam, don't think anyone blames you because they don't. I do wanna ask you something about what happened though."

Bam nodded reluctantly and Ville got up to leave. "Ok, I'm gonna go and call the band to let them know what's going on, then I'll go and get a notebook so we can talk. I'll be back as soon as I can"

As he reached the door though, he could have sworn he heard something. Turning back round to face the rooms only other occupant, he frowned in confusion as he took in Bam's face lit up with shocked joy.

"Bam? Are you ok?"

Nodding frantically, Bam gave him a joyful smile and, opening his mouth and stuttering slightly at first, he said one word.

"Ville."