Amnesia and Star Child

I don’t know what else to do.
I want the pain to stop - the constant mood swings and everything else. I just want it all to end.
Brad didn’t take it well, but I don’t blame him - that day was shit.
There’s something missing from me now, but I’m not sure what was there before that’s now gone - and for some reason I feel even worse than I did.
I remain still, staring at the ceiling and watching imaginary creatures drawing themselves onto the white canvas.
Tears don’t want to come, my body feels too heavy to lift even a bit and somehow sleep doesn’t want to come either - probably only because all my memories will come back to haunt me as soon as my eyes shut.
So my thoughts can move in and chip away at my insides instead.
Everything I used to be doesn’t seem to be real... Blue is still there, like one of Joe’s monsters sitting my head waiting for a convenient time to take control.
He used to be a friend, he used to get me through the day when I didn’t want to, he made me smile and bounce around like an idiot when I’d have much rather curled up in a ball and cried my heart out or slit my wrists - he made the Smiley Mikey that everyone now expects of me.
Now he’s turned on me and I don’t like him being there anymore.
I want to die and all he does is laugh at me, taunting me and criticizing me endlessly, bringing me down in my own body first and then using me like a tool.
Then of course all of the others bring me down as well - even as the guys try to keep me afloat, everyone else is tying lead weights to my legs while I try to keep my head up in the deep water.
It reminds me of the one time I nearly drowned in the creek when I was fifteen - my leg got stuck and I couldn’t reach air even though the surface was only centimeters away.
Rosie came to my rescue, but ever since that time, I can easily get the feeling I’m drowning.
Nightmares of all of the crap I’ve gone through since childhood still plague me and there’s nothing I or anyone else can do about it.
Even Rosie can’t change what I feel.
I give up staring at the ceiling and look at all the tubes and things keeping me stable, I look around for the appropriate life support to pull - and pull it.
The tube which happens to be full of blood spurts all over the floor, and even though it’s the only thing that maybe keeping me working I feel better without it.
Maybe it’s just because I want to die so badly.
Rosie snorts and watches me.
What are you doing Mike?!
“Don’t worry Rosie, its okay.” I reassure her.
She is uneasy I know, I can feel her every emotion and all of her thoughts coming to me, I know she cares about me beyond anything on earth, but that doesn’t change the fact I’m selfish enough to do this.
I turn on the T.V. and flick through all the channels on the idea that if I watch movies I can get my mind off all of these heavy thoughts I’d rather bury.
That’s the cool thing about this hospital is that it has cable - movie’s nonstop while I die.