My Gift To You

Six: Vision Hazy With a Chance Of Confusion

Proms are tricky events. They’re like the dances that are held in middle school, but a lot more formal with the added bonus of the stronger urge to take your own life. It’s not like one can sit on the lunch tables and throw imaginary daggers and the beautiful people, one would be branded even more of an untouchable then at the other dances. With the new set of rules comes the higher burden of making something of yourself, or at least doing something. Dancing was out of the question: with every fast song comes two slow. Disappearing into the “off limits” area (which in reality was any part of the school beyond the gymnasium and the locker rooms) could work, most people would think one’s hooking up with someone, but if you have a bad label that plan could only work against you. There was no way one could lean up against a wall and tap one’s foot to the bass drum (appearing to be waiting for someone can only last a certain amount of time).

It’s the locker rooms that are the key. One can either hang around in the bathroom or tweak the hideous attire one was forced to wear to the degrading occasion.

That’s what Billy was doing at the moment. His plan was to stay in the locker room as long as he could (without raising a few eyebrows) and then walk out and meet up with this Linzi girl. Why he even decided to come to Prom was pushed to the back of his mind. Joel had told him that he and Benji were being forced to come because “it’s going to be the last Prom” they’ll ever go to. So of course Billy was going to be there, his crush-going-nowhere taking even more control of him than ever before. He had told Joel without any hesitation after his try out that he wanted in. His excuse was that he loved seeing Benji have a rug pulled out from beneath him and, if Overflow did decide to pack their bags, he’d like to have another place to go to.

He looked over himself in the mirrors above the sinks, the pasty boy staring back at him. “Maybe I should cut these things off...” Billy said softly as he moved a dread away from his eyes. He sighed deeply, seeing how horrible he thought he looked. Let’s face it. If I was Benji I wouldn’t even look at me.

The sound of the door opening made Billy looked over, his heart skipping a beat when Benji himself walked into the small room. He paid no mind to the latter at the other side of the bathroom and continued on his way to the urinals. Trying not to stare Billy turned his attention to the faucets and turned on the water, thinking that he could wash his hands for the next five or so minutes.

“Joel sent me in to come get you,” Benji stated after a few moments, “Linzi’s getting impatient. Can’t say that I could blame her, who’d want to be your date to Prom. You’re not whacking off to gay porn in here, are you?” He turned to the right slightly so that Billy couldn’t look into the mirrors and see anything.

Billy was flashing images through his mind; flowers, cemeteries, his guitar, scenes from music videos; anything to keep his mind off Benji. It wasn’t working all that well. One second he was picturing his poster of Silverchair on his ceiling, the next Benji and what he might look like undressed. He shut his eyes so tight they ached, thinking about The Swamp of Eternal Stench and what KoRn might release as their new single... again that melted away and was replaced with Benji’s flawless face.

No doubt he was sweating now, his fingers digging into the edge of the sink basin. He didn’t want this to happen, not here anyway. If Benji found out that Billy was feebly attempting not to get an erection, he’d never let Billy live it down. Any hope of being with Benji would be shot out of the sky, not to mention what the guys would think when they found out. Joel would think he was a freak, getting aroused by his twin brother, and leave him in the dust. Eventually the school would hear about what happened and make a bigger pot of misery than his old school. Sarah would find out somehow and then tell Mom what a freak of nature her son was—

“Am I talking to a wall here, or what?” Benji was drying his hands now, watching the steady stream of water coming from the faucet in front of Billy. “You all right? You’re not having a panic attack or something...” His voice trailed off in an effort to not sound more concerned than he led on.

“No, I’m okay.” Billy struggled out.

“Your hands look like they’re about to fall off...”

Billy opened his eyes and lifted his hands from the sink. He quickly shut off the water. “What’s that about Linzi?”

With a smirk Benji tossed the moist wad of cheap paper towel into the trash can and leaned up against the wall. “She’s waiting outside for you, but she looks like she’s going to go home any minute.”

“Thanks.” He replied meekly, starting to head toward the door.

Benji slid over and blocked Billy’s only way out of the room. “You still didn’t answer my question from before.”

“I’m sorry?”

He crossed his arms over his chest to make himself look tougher. “I asked you if you were looking at gay porn. Why else would anyone be in the bathroom for so long?”

“I wasn’t. I was just—”

“Thinking about someone you’d like to shag?” The way Benji asked his question could have made a Marine cry.

Billy didn’t know where to look. He couldn’t look at Benji, but if he didn’t then Benji would know that he was thinking about him. “I...” He got cotton mouth and he was unable to form any words.

Benji laughed cruelly. “Calm down. You’re a little kid, you’re hormones are all out of whack.”

“What’s with you?” Billy snapped, looking down at the other man. “Are you honestly that insecure so you have to take all your anger out on me? You have to call me a queer when, I bet, in reality it’s you who’s tied up on some guy you can never be with!”

“You have me all figured out.” Benji replied sarcastically.

“There you go again! You’re always so fucking sarcastic all the time because you can’t stand the sight of yourself! You’re trying to hide something from everyone and you can’t handle the fact that I know about you!”

Benji scoffed. “Keep your voice down. I think you’re the one hiding something from everyone. It’s not that hard to figure out you’re a queer, and that’s one of the reasons why I don’t like you. You try so hard to be the straight, white guy with dreads when in fact you’re nothing but a coward who wishes he was straight.” He said calmly.

“Get out of my way.”

“I see you’re not denying it then.”

Billy balled his hands into fists. “You think you’re so clever, don’t you? Think you have me all down pat. Well, I have news for you. You don’t.”

In an instant there were lips against Billy’s. He had no idea what was going on, but it seemed like the entire world had melted into a blur in the background. He didn’t even know if he was imagining this or not, but he wasn’t about to stop and find out. He pressed his lips back to Benji’s, feeling cold hit the back of his neck as Benji’s hand came to rest there. His eyes closed, Billy let himself get lost in what was happening. His heart was racing like a Jack Rabbit when he heard Benji breathe in deeply, pulling Billy into a more passionate kiss.

And as suddenly as it happened it was over. The feeling of bliss was gone, the chill on Billy’s neck was slowly fading and the world was back. He opened his eyes.

Benji was pulling open the door, his back to Billy. “If you were straight you would’ve pushed me away.” With that he left the latter alone to drown in a rush of confusion.