If We Hold On Together

A/N: So since I get like NO comments, I haven't really updated this one.
But I'll just do it now, cause I don't care about not getting comments.
I have another 4 chapters of this already written.


We didn't say a word to each other as we got into his car, or as he drove off. The radio was on and some sad old song was playing. It reminded me of how I had felt when Gerard took my innocence, and it made me sick to think about it. I let my hand turn the knob to the radio, turning off. He gave me a questioning look but I just shrugged as if to say 'it was a bad song'.

After an hour of driving in complete silence I felt like I was going to explode from all the emotions that was running through my body.

"Where are we going?" I asked and my voice made me cringe, it sounded so much older then it should. He seemed to think for a moment, and then he tore his gaze from the road and turned to me.

"Our old cabin" He stated and I nodded. I knew which one he meant. The cabin where we used to go every summer when we were kids. The cabin where I and Gerard used to tell each other ghost stories until we couldn't sleep alone.

"How much further?" I asked just as he turned to the right sharply. I had to hold onto the car door to not tip over. He let out a chuckle and I guess I must've looked pretty funny.

"Ten minutes" He replied as he straitened out the car again.


Gerard had bought food and supplies for us a few days earlier he admitted. He had dreamt of this moment, the moment we went out to the cabin as brothers again. He blushed when he said it, but I just smiled at him.

"So, hungry?" Gerard asked after we were done unpacking everything from the car. I nodded and he started pulling out things from boxes to make us dinner. I took a look around the cabin and had to smile at the sight. It wasn't big; in fact it was just one room, and then a bathroom. When we were kids, I and Gerard had always slept in a tent on the front yard to give our parents some privacy, no need to do that now.

I looked over to the couch and the bed and pondered for a moment which of the two spots I wanted to claim as my own. As if he had read my mind Gerard turned towards me and pointed with a sticky hand (he was cracking eggs) towards the bed.

"You can have the bed, I like the couch" He said and I nodded again. I firmly told myself I had to answer next time he said something, and not just nod. After all I had decided to forgive him and be his brother again. And brothers don't just nod to answer each others questions.


After dinner, which we ate in silence, Gerard started cleaning off the table. I just sat there; I didn't know what else to do. He pointed towards my plate and I handed it to him. Since his begging for forgiveness I could count the words we had said to each other on my two hands. I didn't know what to do or say though. What do you say to your brother that you just found out had been in love with you a few years ago?

"Movie?" Gerard asked and pointed towards the pile of movies that were off in a corner. I nodded again (and scowled myself in my head) and got up from my seat to pick a movie. We decided on Lost Boys and quietly sat down to watch it. About ten minutes into the movie I had had enough.

"I wanted to kill you" I said and he turned his attention from the TV to me.
"What?"

I took a deep breath and swallowed hard.

"I wanted to sneak into your room as you slept and smother you with a pillow" I said, staring at him. His lower lip trembled as he tried to speak, but not a word came from his lips, so I continued.

"I hated you so much, and I wanted you dead, I still do" I said and stood up. He stood up as well and took a stumbling step backwards as I pulled something up. Something I had bought for me and Alicia for protection since we lived in the 'bad' part of town.

A gun.


"Mikey, no" He stuttered and took another trembling step backwards as I pointed the gun at him. My whole body was trembling and the hand that was holding the gun was shaking badly, making it hard for me to aim at him.

"YOU RUINED MY LIFE!" I yelled as he took another step backwards. And he really had. If it wasn't for Gerard I would be happy with Alicia right now. But I wasn't happy with her, and I deserved to be. And Gerard did not deserve to live.

"I'm so sorry" He pleaded and he started crying violently as he took another step back and hit the wall. When he realized he was trapped he held his hands up in front of him, as if they would actually protect him when I pulled the trigger.

"Sorry means nothing" I spat at him and took a step towards his pathetically shaking body. I hated him so much. I still held the gun in front of me, pointed towards him, and the hand holding it was still shaking. I was scared; I had never held this gun before, not with the intention to kill anyway.

Again he tried to apologize but I shut him off by taking another step forward.

"Why?" I asked again, and again he gave the same reason. But that wasn't reason enough for me. No reason would ever be reason enough to rape your own brother. Nothing he said could make me love him again.

"I want to kill you" I said and he slid down on the floor, his eyes wide in fear. I didn't blame him; the tone of my voice even scared me. I pointed the gun towards his chest and let my finger slightly squeeze the trigger.