Mistakes and Misunderstandings

Chapter Six: The Biggest Mistake…and Running Again?

I was forced to sit through the lasagne Jamia had made in my honour; I supposed it was good from all the happy noises the others were making, but it tasted like ash in my mouth. I glanced over at Gerard every thirty seconds – Gerard and his wife. Every time I thought about it, my stomach flipped. Again, I had done it again; but, this time I was caught unawares. I looked around at my friends, people who I thought would never love me again, and knew that if it got out – me and Gerard – they would turn their backs on me forever. There would be no forgiveness this time. No miracle beating that made things practically disappear. Though, Gods damn it, Mikey had done a number on me. I could feel every bruise, every split in my skin, and I knew more than one of my ribs was broken. I’d have to have Jamia tape them up later, after dinner.

“How is it, Frank?” Jamia asked cheerfully. Everyone turned to face me, and I forced a painful smile.

“Good, J…the best.” She smiled, and Ray whispered something in her ear. The blush on her face made my heart soar. I couldn’t be happier for them. When Gee did the same thing to his wife…Lyn-z…I almost vomited. “I…I need to go the bathroom,” I announced dumbly and tried to stand. It didn’t work – I’d had to be helped getting to the table.

“Hold on there, Frank,” Gerard said suddenly, “I’ll help.” He stood and hooked a cautious arm around my shoulders. “I’m not going to have to help you hold your dick, am I?” he joked; everyone laughed…I nearly wept.

Gerard helped me down the hall and into the bathroom; he made a show of closing the door behind us, rolling his eyes and cutting up. I could hear the roar of happy laughter through the closed door. “I don’t need this much help,” I muttered and tried to step away from the love of my life.

“Come off it, Frank,” Gerard said sharply. “I know you don’t need to take a piss…I haven’t seen you take a sip of anything all night.” He sighed. “Come on,” he urged. “Give it to me.”

I scoffed. “Give it to you?” I asked and laughed bitterly. “I’m glad I didn’t really give it to you earlier, Gee.” Tears prickled behind my eyes. “How could I have been so stupid?” I asked, mostly to myself. “How could I have thought, for even a second, that you could feel the same way? How could I let myself be so Gods damn blind?”

“Frank,” Gerard started, but a look from me shut him up…for a second anyway. “Frankie…” he began again, “I…I’m so sorry.”

“You’re married!” I accused in a harsh whisper and tried to stop my hysterical breathing. Pain radiated from my ribs, and the hyperventilating wasn’t helping. “W-what was that, Gee? S-some kind of revenge for M-Mikey?! Let’s give the fucking midget home wrecker a taste of his own Gods damn medicine!”

Gerard was making soft, shushing noises, but I could barely hear them. Tears ran down my cheeks like rivers, and it wasn’t until Gerard put his hands on my shoulders and gave me the smallest, most gentle shake he could manage did I quiet down. “Frankie…the letter you left,” Gerard said softly, “You…you really loved me?”

I nodded; it was too late, at this point, to lie. “Yeah, Gerard…I really love you.”

“Still? After all this time?”

I rolled my eyes. “I’ve loved you since I’ve met you, you dumbass, two years in London wouldn’t change that.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you have to fuck Mikey?”

I stared at him. “Well…” I said slowly, “until today, I thought you were straight. That was reason enough, but…but I guess I didn’t want to be rejected. And I didn’t want to fuck up our friendship. I knew Mikey had, at least, a crush on me, so I moved in on it. I thought if I could fall in love with someone else, then I would forget about you. And if I couldn’t have the Way I wanted, I would take the Way I could get.” I am a terrible person, I know.

Gerard stared at me for almost a minute – though it seemed longer to me – before he sighed and ran a hand through his cropped hair. “You and I are morons.” He gave me the weight of the intensity of his eyes. “The dumbest, most retarded morons ever. Seriously.”

“What are you talking about?” Hope and dread and knowing swelled in my chest. Gods don’t…I don’t think I could take anymore.

“I loved you.” There, Gerard said it, and the knife in my chest twisted all the more. “Or…I think I could have loved you, so easily. I was fascinated by you, obsessed with you; I fucking jerked off after every concert because I got to fucking kiss you and grab on you and no one would say two words about it.” He stepped towards me, and I couldn’t move – literally, because there was no more room to move into. “You were all I ever thought about…didn’t you realize?”

I shook my head. “No.” The look in his eyes told me what he was going to do, and I put a hand on his chest, a pre-emptive. “Gee…we can’t.”

“Why?” I could feel his breath on my cheek, and all I wanted to do was give in.

“You’re wife is in the dining room,” I reminded softly. It had the desired affect; Gerard backed away. “You’re married, Gerard, and you looked happy…with her.” I swallowed. “You were happy before I came back…m-maybe it wasn’t such a good idea that I did.”

Gerard, for his part, said nothing; we decided, wordlessly, to back to the dining room. The group barely missed us, and Gerard explained our tardiness on my injuries. Mikey blushed horrifically and apologized, again. I shrugged it off. The wounds on my body would heal…the ones on my heart? Never.

Once dinner was done, and the dishes were clear, I thought it would be best if I left and told everyone as much. “Are you sure, Frank?” This was from Jamia.

“Yeah…my mom is expecting me now…and she already knows about Mikey kicking the shit out of me, so don’t worry about cops coming after him or anything.” Gerard and Alicia looked a little relieved. “I’ll call you when I come to town again…sometime,” I said as Jamia tentatively wrapped her arms around me.

She let me go. “What do you mean, Frank? Where are you going to go?”

Everyone was staring at me. “I…I’m going somewhere, J…I don’t know where yet.”

“Why don’t you stay?”

I looked at Gerard, right over her shoulder. Our eyes met, and when he looked away, I knew what he wanted. “I can’t,” I murmured. “I would love to, but…time doesn’t really heal all wounds and neither does a beating. It’s just not right for me here anymore.” I dragged her close again. “I won’t go underground again,” I promised, “but I can’t…not anymore.”

She nodded, but I saw the tears in her eyes. “When will you leave?”

I shrugged. “Couple weeks…I’ll have a plan this time. We have time, if you want to see me, get all caught up. Then, you’ll just have a new place to visit every year, yeah?”

She nodded again. “Okay, weirdo,” she murmured and kissed me, a surprise mouth-to-mouth caress. It didn’t mean anything, and no one could mistake it for anything more. “But ‘til you leave, I demand you stay here.”

“Oh J…”

“No,” she interrupted. “Go see your mom, go let her cluck over your bruises and fix you dinner again, but you come back here…we’ll work on your next destination together, all right?”

I looked at Ray. “That all right with you?”

He shrugged. “It’s her house, dude...I just have overnight and naked privileges.”

Jamia walked over and tugged on his ‘fro. “Asshole.”

“Bitch,” he countered good-naturedly.

She smiled and leaned into him. “Love you.”

“Forever,” he vowed; I couldn’t help but believe the both of them, so genuinely in love with each other. I looked at Gerard, and my heart throbbed. This was such a bad idea, staying here, but it was just for a few weeks. And then I’d be gone, and Gee would stay married; and I wouldn’t fuck up again.


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