Legacy

I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. I groaned slightly and looked at the clock. It was 11:30. I hadn't slept very well last night, thanks to the reaction Hide's hand holding mine had given me.
I rolled out of bed and walked into the kitchen, the cheap linoleum cool under my bare feet. I picked up the phone.
"Hello?"
"You sure take a long time to answer the phone. It's a little rude, you know."
"Oh, Hide. It's you." There goes my heart again. I'd end up having a heart attack at this rate.
"You sound surprised."
"Well, I just thought...last night..." I mumbled.
Hide laughed softly. "No, it's fine. Anyway, I was calling to inform you that your first Japanese lesson is today."
I blinked. "What?"
"Yep, I'm going to be your teacher. Or sensei, as we Japanese say. And starting from today, I'll teach you one word every day. Sound good?"
"I...I guess so." I was surprised. I had thought that he'd still be angry with me for last night. He was acting like it had never happened. Well, I might as well follow his lead. "Was sensei my word for the day?"
"No, no, that was just background info. I'll teach you more useful things. Lemme see..." Hide paused, obviously thinking. "Oh, I know! Your first word...well, phrase, actually...is nande yanen."
"Nande yanen." I repeated. "What does that mean?"
"It means, 'What the fuck?'" Hide answered.
I laughed. "How is that useful?"
"It's very useful!" Hide retorted. "If you ever go to Japan, you won't know what the hell is going on anyway, so you'll have to use it. Plus, you can say it in public here in America and not get frowned upon for swearing in public. And it's also fun to yell."
"Nande yanen?" I said.
Hide laughed. "Exactly! That was perfect." He made me repeat it a few more times to make sure I got it, then hung up. I was smiling at the phone as I put it down.

As promised, Hide called me every day to give me my Japanese lesson. In a week, my tiny Japanese vocabulary consisted of mostly curse words (my favorite being "kuso!" (shit!)), but I had also learned "hai" (yes) "iie" (no), and "arigatou" (thank you).
After today's lesson, Hide had declared that the guys were taking me out to get shit-faced drunk, and they had shown up at my house at 9 PM all piled into Paul's old station wagon. All of them seemed very happy to see me. Paul had jumped out of the car and given me a big hug, resulting in whistling and catcalls from the others. Oddly, Hide had kept his mouth shut, and I saw him looking away over Paul's shoulder. This was forgotten the next moment, though, as I climbed into the backseat and sat next to Hide, our bodies forced to touch from the limited space in the car. Not that I was complaining, however.
We made our way to the guys' favorite bar, ????. As it was still pretty early, the bar was mostly deserted, making it easy to find a table that could sit all six of us. Ray declared that the first round of drinks was on him, since he had gotten a bonus check from work that day. The guys cheered and all ordered beers, while I ordered the fruitiest drink on the menu. Though I felt a little guilty, since my drink probably cost at least three times as much as their beers.
I watched amusingly as Hide quickly downed about half of his glass of beer in a single swig.
"Thirsty?" I asked, smiling.
"I always am," Hide said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
"You should see this guy drink," Brad said. "I thought that Asians couldn't hold their liquor, but he beats all of us every time!"
Hide raised his glass towards Brad. "I try to break the mold as often as possible, you know."
"So dude," said Steve. "What's this Ray told me about you finding a recording studio?"
We all turned to look at Hide.
"Oh yeah," Hide said. "I'm trying to get us a studio to practice in, and maybe record. Ray's basement is too small. We need someplace that we can play in comfortably, and where the acoustics aren't so awful. And I'm pretty sure I found one."
"Why didn't you tell us?" Paul asked.
"Because I wasn't sure whether it'd work out or not. I'm still in the negotiation process. See, I'm also trying to find a label that'll take us on."
The guys were stunned.
"And you only told Ray?" said Brad. "Why?"
"Because," Hide explained. "I think he's the most able to lead you guys when I'm not here. So I had to let him know what I was doing. It was supposed to be a surprise for the rest of you." Hide shot a disapproving look at Steve.
"This is so cool!" Paul started to bounce a little in his seat. "Actually recording, and having a record deal...I can't believe it!"
"Don't get too excited," Hide continued. "It's a slow process. And it's going even slower, since I'm busy with my other stuff. I'm going to go back to Japan soon, anyway."
"What!?" I blurted out.
Hide turned to look at me, surprised at my reaction. "I have to go back home. I'm recording an album, and hopefully will start touring again after that. Plus, I have X stuff as well."
"Will you come back?" I asked, my heart sinking.
"Of course I will. I always go back and forth between Japan and L.A. I'll only be gone for a couple months, at the most." He turned back to the others. "And no slacking off while I'm gone, especially if I get this deal for us. Just because I'm gone doesn't mean you don't have to work."
"You know I'll never let that happen, Hide," Ray said. "I can be a real hard ass."
"Too true," Hide said, smiling. He raised his now empty glass. "Another round?"

The guys continued to discuss their band as the night wore on. I was forgotten, but I didn't mind. I was content to sip my drinks, listen to their conversation, and count the growing number of empty glasses on the table. As more and more drinks were consumed, their conversation got louder and more incoherent. I knew there would be no more discussion when Steve fell asleep at the table and Brad was insisting loudly that their band name should be "The Hidettes".
I jumped when I felt a warm hand on mine. I turned and saw Hide staring at me.
"Are you okay?" he asked. "You're awfully quiet."
"I'm...fine." I don't know if it was the alcohol-induced haze that I saw everything through now, but Hide looked more beautiful than I had ever seen him. His cheeks were flushed, which only made his eyes seem brighter. I noticed that Brad had been right: while the other guys were exhibiting the usual behavior of someone completely wasted, Hide was still calm and seemingly in control of himself, though he had drank as much as the others.
Hide wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him. I was too shocked to resist; then again, I didn't really want to.
"Why were you so upset when you heard I was going to leave?" he said into my ear. The feeling of his warm breath on my cheek sent a thrill of excitement through me.
"Because I'll miss you," I said honestly.
Hide pulled back a little to look at me. "Really?"
I nodded. "Hai," I said softly.
Hide's arm fell from my shoulder and he stood up, swaying ever so slightly. "I'm going to go have a cigarette. I'll be right back." He turned and started to push through the crowd to the door.
Shit, I must've freaked him out. Damn alcohol. I got up to follow him. The room spun and I fell sideways into Paul.
"Whoa, watch out, Amanda sweetheart!" he shouted, his eyes out of focus. "Feeling a little frisky, huh?" He laughed uproariously at his own joke as I pushed away from him and started after Hide.
After what seemed like forever, I managed to squeeze myself through the crowd and out the front door. The cool night air felt amazingly refreshing, and cleared my head a little. Hide was standing just a few feet from the door, leaning against the brick and smoking.
"Hide!" I said, a little too loudly. "I'm sorry!"
He looked at me. "Sorry for what?"
"For...for what I said." I walked over and stood beside him, also leaning against the wall. I took care not to look at him, keeping my eyes on the cars that were going by.
"What, you saying you'd miss me? Why would you be sorry for that?"
"Then, I didn't freak you out?" I looked out of the corner of my eye at him. He was looking straight at me.
"Nah, of course not." He took one last drag from his cigarette and tossed it on the sidewalk. He then reached up and pulled on my shoulder, directing me to turn to face him, which I did.
"Honestly, I'm going to miss you too," he said gently.
I'm not really sure what caused me to do it. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the look on his face or the tone of his voice. Maybe it was that all of the bottled-up feelings I had for him couldn't be contained anymore. Whatever it was, I didn't try to fight it.
I lept forward and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling his head down towards me until our lips met. I pressed my mouth against his so hard that he ran the risk of cutting his lips on his teeth if he didn't open to me, which he immediately did. My tongue snaked in between his lips and found his and our tongues started writhing around as if they had minds of their own. He tasted like smoke and beer, a combination that's usually nauseating, but because it was Hide, it was addicting.
I broke the kiss with a gasp to get some air, but he hungrily claimed my lips again with a growl, taking my lower lip between his teeth and biting down hard. I moaned into his mouth, pressing myself harder against him. His hands were everywhere, fumbling over my body, trying to feel all of me, then he grabbed my hips and pulled me even closer to him, squeezing me so hard it hurt. We fed off of each other's mouths like starving animals, clung to one another like lifelines. Hide put a hand under my thigh and wrapped my leg around his waist, and I could feel his arousal pressed against me, which made me moan again.
I started to become dizzy, and I realized I needed to breathe. I pushed against Hide's chest until he let go and I could step back. I gulped air, panting like I had just run a marathon. With each breath of air I became more aware of what had just happened, and shame came over me. What had I done?
"Oh, god.." I said, turning away.
"Amanda, what-"
I shook my head. "No, Hide. I can't. I have to go." I walked quickly over to the curb, where a cab was idling.
"Amanda, wait!" Hide called after me.
Fighting the urge to stop and look back, I ignored him. Still shaking my head, I got into the taxi, shutting the door and cutting off Hide's voice still calling for me. I started to cry as the cab drove away.

*****

I stare at Yoshiki, shocked. I had no idea he would stoop so low as to call Hide's mother, who's probably still mourning for her son, just to get his way. Not to mention it was about 5 AM over there.
Yoshiki raises an eyebrow at me, wiggling the phone a little.
I have no choice, really. I get up and take the phone from him, purposefully not looking at him. He starts walking back down the hall.
"Hello, Mrs. Matsumoto," I say in Japanese.
"Amanda, I told you, call me Haruka," she says.
"Yes, of course, Haruka," I say. I hear a click over the line that tells me Yoshiki has picked up another phone. Though my Japanese is pretty good, I still have trouble with it sometimes. He was on the line to translate if things got too confusing. "How are you?"
"Oh, I'm fine. It's been raining a lot lately, so I haven't been able to work in my garden much. But I have flowers indoors I can tend to. How are you?"
"I'm alright, I guess."
We exchange a few more niceties, then Haruka says, "Yoshiki told me some wonderful news. Is it true that I'm going to be a grandmother?"
I can't stop the gasp that falls from my mouth. He didn't. He wouldn't. But yes, he did. That bastard. I'll kill him.
I sigh. "I wish he would've let me tell you."
"Oh, so it is true?" Haruka's voice grows higher with excitement. "Oh, I'm so glad! What a joyous thing to happen amidst all this sadness."
I want to cry. I can hear the smile on Haruka's face, the same smile her son had. How could I tell her that I didn't want the baby? How could I tell her that she wouldn't be a grandmother, ever? And I knew. I couldn't tell her, and she would be a grandmother, because I would keep it. I had to, now that she was involved. I didn't mind hurting Yoshiki, but Haruka...I couldn't do that. I couldn't break that sweet woman's heart any more than it was already broken. Which is what Yoshiki had been counting on.
"Yes, it is true." I feel tears on my cheeks, and I try to keep them out of my voice. "I'm due in February."
"Oh, how wonderful. Hideto would've been so happy. He loved children."
That was the absolute worst thing to say. The tears come faster, and I can't talk any more.
"Amanda? Are you alright?"
I pull myself back together. "I'm sorry, Haruka. I just-"
"I know, my dear. I know it's hard." Out of all the people who've said those words to me, I believe her the most, since she did know. "But try to stay calm. You have the baby to think of now."
"Yes, I know." I distract myself by mentally listing all the ways I'd like to kill Yoshiki.
"Now, I know you've been staying with Yoshiki since the funeral, but I believe you'd be better off with someone who can help you during your pregnancy. I'm guessing Yoshiki doesn't know much about it, do you?"
Yoshiki chuckles. "Not really, no."
"Just as I thought," Haruka says. "Amanda, dear, why don't you come and stay with me? I can teach you all you need to know, and take care of you. After all, I've been through it twice myself."
"With you?" It was a possibility I'd never thought of. "I'd hate to impose on you like that-"
"Nonsense! I'd be delighted to have you. After all, you're like a daughter to me, you know."
"I don't deserve that," I say. It was more than my own mother ever said to me.
"Of course you do. You're a sweet girl, and you made my son very happy. That's enough for me."
That almost starts the tears again.
"Haruka, I don't know if that's such a good idea," Yoshiki said. "At least not right now. Hide's still all over the television and things. I don't know if Amanda would want to see that."
He's right. I'm having enough trouble coping with my own memories of Hide. Seeing his face on TV and on posters in the street would be unbearable. Thank God he had never been famous here.
"Then where will she stay? She can't stay with you forever, and she shouldn't be alone."
"Amanda can stay here for as long as she needs to," Yoshiki says with an authoritative tone. The tone of voice that said the discussion was over. "And I think it'll be more stressful for her over there. And what if the press found out? That would be even worse."
"I hadn't thought of that," Haruka says. "Maybe you're right. But if you both don't mind, I'd like to call from time to time to see how you're doing, Amanda."
"Of course," I say. "I would be happy to hear from you."
"Alright then. Stay strong, dear. It'll get better with time."
"I know." Again, I believe her, though she hasn't been the first to say those words.
"Take care of yourself, both of you."
"We will," Yoshiki says. "Goodbye, Haruka."
"Goodbye," I say.
"Goodbye." Haruka hangs up.
I also hang up and throw the phone onto the couch, then stalk out into the hallway to rip Yoshiki apart. I find him in the kitchen, turning off the other cordless phone.
"What the fuck was that?" I shout. "How dare you tell Haruka I'm pregnant? That's not your business!"
"You know perfectly well why," Yoshiki says. "I knew if she knew, you'd forget about this whole abortion thing. How could you kill her only grandchild?"
I fly at him, ready to pound his perfect face in. He grabs my arms before my fists can hit him. I struggle for a few moments, then stop. I start to cry again. What's the point?
"God, I hate you," I sob. "You're so mean."
"Yes, I'm so mean I'm letting you stay in my house, though you drive me crazy. How evil of me."
I look up at him. "Did you really mean that?"
"Of course I did," Yoshiki says, his gaze softening as he looks at me. "Though you drive me up the wall, I do care about what happens to you, you know."
I let my head fall to his shoulder and sob. Yoshiki's strong arms wrap around me and pull me close. He strokes my hair soothingly, not caring that I'm soaking his shirt with my tears.
I had made my decision, the complete opposite of what I'd planned, what I'd already prepared myself for. I was going to have the baby. I was going to raise Hide's child, without him. That was probably the hardest part of all. Worse than the fact that the baby might look like him was the fact that it would never know its father, and its father would never know he had a child.
I cry for what seems like hours, until I have no tears left. Finally, I lift my head and take the dishcloth Yoshiki's offering me to wipe my eyes.
"What an odd relationship we have," I say, smiling a little. "First I want nothing more than to kill you, then I want to hug you."
Yoshiki laughs. "You're not the first to say that," he says.