Solitary Togetherness

“Cutler, haven’t you ever said anything that you didn’t mean—“

Jay’s eyes popped wide in shock and his mouth dropped open.

“—I … I mean … you know, in the heat of the moment? Sometimes you say things in those moments and…well, you don’t mean them. I mean, you don’t wholeheartedly mean them.”

Jay felt frozen in agony as he watched Rob packing his suitcase and duffel bags. His palms were sweaty and he felt like someone was standing on his chest. He could barely breathe.

“Jay… Come on, man. Carolyn is good for me. We’re good together. This is something I have to do.”

“But Rob… We had plans together. We were going to play all four years at Vandy, and then try to get drafted together… What happened to our dream?”

“It was YOUR dream,” the tight end said, his eyes darting around the room, not wanting to look at Jay. “Sometimes things change. People change.”

“You haven’t changed,” Jay said, shaking his head in his disbelief. “You know this is nothing, just your cover. Carolyn’s your cover. You said that before! What has changed between then and now?”

Rob remained silent as he zipped up his bags and snapped his suitcase shut.

“Rob… Please…” Jay was finally able to make his shaky legs close the distance between him and his boyfriend. But his teammate took a step back.

“I’m not like you, Jay, you gotta face it,” Rob said, finally looking into Cutler’s eyes. “We’re…. We’re different.”

“Rob, no…” Jay reached up and tried to caress Rob’s cheek, but he batted his hand away, and placed his palm firmly against Cutler’s chest, pushing him back, hard.

“Get out of my face, Cutler.”

Jay could feel his cheeks burn and his eyes sting. Rob swallowed hard. “Man—I really want us to be friends. I’m… I’m sorry.”

Jay shook his head, his cheeks flaming, fire in his eyes. “You’re not sorry.”

“Jay, you were a good fuck. That’s all. It doesn’t mean anything more than that.”

“We were happy!!!” Jay shouted at him, trembling all over. He felt like he was going to puke.

“I’m happy with Carolyn. Moving in with her is the best option for me right now.” Rob spread his palms wide, and then started grabbing his bags, throwing a knapsack over one shoulder and a duffel bag over the other. “I didn’t want things to be like this between us. But if that’s what you want---“

“You know what I want,” Jay said angrily. “You wanted it, too. You told me you did. We had a life together, a dream together, goals together. You lied to me!”

“I was lying to myself,” Rob said, his voice flat. “I’m sorry, Jay.”

Rob turned to go, and Jay grabbed his shoulder. He felt like he was going crazy, and at the moment, he felt he would do anything to spare his heart this fate. “Rob…” Jay whispered. “Please don’t do this to me… Please…don’t...leave…me...” His voice shook and he knew he was a hair’s breadth from breaking down.

Rob pulled his shoulder away and never turned around, just started walking.

He left the dorm room, slamming the door behind him. Jay felt his eyes burn with tears. He felt the room spinning, the pit of his stomach in flames, his head exploding. He dropped to his knees, clutching his stomach and cried… Sobbed… “Oh God, no… Rob… Oh God Rob, please… Nooooo….” He was barely whispering the words through his tears and the sobs racked his body through the night…

Suddenly he felt a hand on his arm and looked up. He was outside, sitting against the wall of the Quality Inn in South Bend, and Brady Quinn was standing there, pulling him to his feet.

“Jay?!?” Brady’s eyes were wide in horror at the sight of the tears streaming down Cutler’s face.

“Ohmygod…” whispered Jay. “I thought… I thought you left…”

“No, man, I had to park around back. Well… I wanted to. Nice secluded spot. Don’t want any of my teammates to see my truck here. What’s…what’s wrong???”

Jay shook his head, unable to stop the flow of the tears and he fell into Brady’s arms. Brady pulled him close, stroked his hair, and murmured, “Shhh… It’s all right. I’m here…”

Jay pulled away quickly and wiped his cheeks. “I’m so sorry. I’m ---….” Unable to say anything else, he shrugged his shoulders and cast a pained look into Brady’s eyes.

“Man, I think we need to talk…”

“Yeah, we do,” Jay said. “Come on.”

Jay led him around to the side entrance and slid the key card through the security lock, opening the door. They slipped inside and walked the short distance down the hall to the elevator. “We’re on three,” Jay murmured as they stepped in and Brady pressed the “3” button. The elevator doors closed with a ding.

Contrary to how they were in the truck, the two men were standing on opposite sides of the elevator, gazing at each other with questioning and worried eyes. The elevator dinged again, and they stepped out on the third floor.

Their room was at the end of the carpeted hallway. Jay again slid the key into the security lock and the green light indicated the door was ready to be opened.

Once in the room, however, Jay tossed the key onto the luggage rack counter and Brady once again pulled him into his grasp. The two embraced long and hard, and in a moment, their lips met.

Brady pushed Jay against the wall with a thud and Cutler’s arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling his head closer. Brady sucked Jay’s lips, pulling them over and over, kissing, licking, running his tongue along Jay’s teeth. Jay gasped at the sensations and kissed Brady back fervently.

After a long minute, Brady broke the kiss and awkwardly stepped back.

Jay looked at him, unsmiling. Brady’s heart was pounding and he realized that Jay Cutler looked just as hot with that sultry, serious look as he did with that blazing smile.

“Do you want this? Do you really want this?” Jay cocked his head ever so slightly as he stared at Brady.

“What…exactly… is this? What are we talking about here?”

“I guess that’s really the point, isn’t it?” Jay said, and walked slowly over to the bed and dropped onto it. Brady followed, kicked off his sneakers and sat down next to him, turning to face him with one foot up on the bed and one on the floor.

“What happened out there? Why were you so hysterical like that? Why did you think I left?”

Jay looked down, pinching his lips together. His brow furrowed. He looked back up at Brady and said, “I should be honest with you.”

“Well, I’m definitely hoping for that, at least,” Brady said, confused. “I mean… We just met. And I guess what I’ve been feeling all night... Well, I wasn’t alone feeling it. Right?”

Jay nodded. “You weren’t alone feeling it.”

“Was it just tonight? Or did you come here, wondering? Did you know already? I feel like maybe you had some clue.”

Jay shrugged and gazed at Brady with soft eyes. “I knew the day we played that you could be someone special, yes. I mean, I hoped that you could. It’s been a long time for me, and that day… I don’t know. I don’t know, Quinn. Something about you struck me. And I spent the next two weeks trying to figure it out. I hadn’t felt that in years. Two years, actually. And that’s why I came here. All right, I admit it. I came here because I wanted to see if I was right.”

“And… Were you right?”

“I think so,” Jay said, the smile returning. He looked down shyly, and Brady had to grin. This was the first time he’d felt any hesitation or shyness in Jay Cutler since they’d met. “What about you?” Jay looked up, a half-smile and dreamy look still on his face.

“I can’t get over your eyes,” Brady said, softly. “I can’t seem to look at you for too long before feeling like I’m going to pass out or something.” Both quarterbacks laughed. “You’re… God, you’re like some Adonis or something. You’re so…perfect. And I’m…well, I’m just me.”

“Hey,” Jay said, looking sideways at Brady. “You’re not too bad looking yourself, you know.” Brady felt a slight blush spread to his cheeks. Wow – since when had HE ever blushed when someone told him he was attractive? Try never. Well, until he’d met Jay Cutler, anyway.

“What was the whole…” Brady gestured down toward the parking lot.

“Oh yeah, that,” Jay said. “Before we do anything else…” Jay had to smile at this point, and Brady smiled a big grin as well. “Yeah… “I guess I should tell you about why I kind of freaked out, out there.”

“Okay,” Brady said, nodding. Whatever it was, he could handle it. I mean, hell, here he was, in a hotel room with a guy he’d just met, and he was pretty sure that things were going to happen that had never happened in Brady’s life before. The fact that Jay wanted to come clean to him about whatever this was felt right.

“You asked me in the truck if I’d ever done this before. And I told you that I had, once. Two years ago. I kind of… I kind of fell in love with my tight end.”

Brady nodded, trying to get his head around this.

“His name was Rob Easley. We met in summer training camp at Vanderbilt when we were both freshmen. And we just clicked. You know…” Jay made a small gesture with his hand, and nodded once, slowly, and Brady blinked and nodded that he understood.

“I thought we were on the same page. And he and I were going to play together and go through the draft together, and … make a life together.”

“Wow…” Brady said, letting his breath out slowly.

“Yeah,” Jay said, blinking from emotion.

“I take it things didn’t quite work out.” Brady leaned close and touched Cutler’s hand.

Jay slipped his fingers between Brady’s and they were clasping hands again. The warmth radiated through Brady and he let his eyes slip closed.

“He decided that a secret life with me was not worth it and he left me for the girl he was ‘dating’ to appear straight. He tried to convince me – and himself – that he loved her and wanted to be with her. Instead of me.”

Jay suddenly choked and the tears welled up again. He turned his face away, embarrassed at his sudden show of emotion. Brady didn’t let go of his hand. He slid over and pulled Jay into his arms. “Heyyyy… It’s all right. I understand. I think I understand, at least…”

Jay trembled with the memory of that crushing day when Rob left him and tears freely flowed from his eyes. He rested his head against Quinn’s shoulder and after a few long moments, Brady’s shirt was wet with Jay’s tears.

“I’m sorry…” Jay whispered.

“Don’t—“ Brady said, caressing and rubbing Jay’s back. “Don’t be sorry. Just be you.”

Jay began to sob. Brady pulled back and tilted Jay’s chin up. “Did I say something wrong?”

Jay shook his head, still crying hard. He could hardly see from the blur of the tears, but he managed to murmur, “No… You said something very, very right.”