Midnight Butterfly

Edited by Tech Department February 12, 2007 for database corruption related errors.

Authors Note: OKAAAAY so first I want to Thank my reviewers: Vaga, Zin, In_The_Deep, yamiloner990 and Dani. *hugs* I love you! Thanks for reviewing, it's much appreciated. And I'm so happy you liked my lemon. ^_^ (Zin: that was my favorite part too ^_~) But since I didn't know whether to continue with another part of the lemon or not, I opted against it and moved on. Sorry it took so much time but I had to watch the Macabre tour so I could write the parts of the concert. I hope I got them right, of course the emotions and thoughts have nothing to do with it but...now I'm rambling. Sorry. Anyway, here you go. And sorry about the weird characters and stuff and if anything's messed up (letter's missing) etc. It did that when I pasted it... anyone know how to fix it short of going through the whole thing by hand?


Kyo


I'm kind of...embarrassed. No, that's not really the right word is it? Kyo...embarrassed? That's almost comical. Kyo who fondles himself in front of thousands, Kyo who's lyrics are the epitome of perversion. No, not quite embarrassed, something else, something I can't quite find a word for. I really am a vulgar little demon. How else could I find my peace through something so lewd as being fucked like a dog in the middle of our...*OUR* living room. God that seems so crude. But how else do I say it? 'Penetrated till climax'? 'Engaged in intercourse'? I suppose there's always the option of : 'being bent over the floor as well as, but not limited to: the kitchen table while Toshiya shoved his cock up my ass until I came'...yeah there's that. Vile! But...almost poetic if you think about it.

But once, once I found myself ruling above his body and never had I felt closer to being an angel. And maybe all the 'sick' was fucked out of me because all I wanted then was to touch and taste and take my time. And let me say that three tastes of Toshiya was just not enough to last my system. Somehow, without explanation, he knew everything my twisted little body loved. Debasement, submission, perversion. Sure I was a dominating little fucker, but I wasn't without the side of me that needed that element of outside control, but that was something I had to trust to someone explicitly, and I felt comfortable doing that with Toshiya. And just the thought that he would actually 'do' some of the things he did, that he would lower himself to my level of depravity was just so sinfully sweet.

I didn't know if I was breathing, my senses barely picking up any hint of myself, my surroundings. And my eyes...the only thing I saw were those ceiling dots again. Funny that I remembered them.

Exhausted. I had no will to move, none to speak. After all that I wondered if I'd remember how, it'd been so long. Well mother, I believed in God now. Most definitely, but he wasn't as I'd imagined. The skirts and makeup were a surprise.

Toshiya folded his arms across my chest, resting his head upon his hands. "It's two seventeen in the morning... do you know where your band mates are?" he smiled at me. I kinda felt privileged seeing it.

"Let's go to bed." He said, eyes drifting skywards. "Unless you'd rather stay out here naked and wait for the guys." He made me laugh, but it was barely audible, even to me. My eyes turned back to the ceiling, watching the sea of specks above.

"Are you alive?" I wiggled my fingers in response and he laughed. It was all I could do, I hadn't meant it to be funny.

"Hold on baby..." He smiled again and stood slightly, slipping an arm underneath my legs, another at my back. I felt myself being lifted off the couch, not that I could protest it anyway. But it made me feel small, I don't know if I liked it.

I saw the carpet pass beneath me, the gray fibers giving way under our weight, he was carrying me, almost managing to hit my head on the wall as we entered the bedroom.

Within seconds my head found the downy pillows on the bed, the sheets cool against my skin, it was a nice feeling on my burning body. I was so hot, but thankfully I was clean. For the most part, Toshiya had managed to lick everything off of me. God he's a letch... never would have thought... He crawled in next to me, throwing the sheets over my naked form and pulling me into his arms.

This had to be some kind of sadistic dream. It was too good and no doubt I'd wake up tomorrow and everything would be back to normal, right? Of course it would... I'd be stupid not to think so. But even for the sadism, when had I ever had a dream this nice?

I felt the soft cotton of his pants brush across my thigh, his legs moving to entwine with mine, a sharp contrast to the soft velour covers above me, and I wondered when he'd gotten them back on. Not that I would've noticed anyway.

I couldn't help thinking about Kaoru. Strange I know, but wouldn't it be weird when he came in? Me naked curled in the arms of his lover, no idea we'd been in and out of each other hour after hour like doped up test bunnies. I tried to say something but my words came out like an inarticulate groan. My mind was so emotionally drained, fatigued, I had given him everything I had welled up in this small body, every ounce of energy, every emotion and all my head wanted to do was sleep, but -I- didn't want to. I simply wanted to stay awake and remember every perfect detail as long as I could.

I saw my sweatpants on the end of the bed, close enough for me to reach out zombie-like and grab them. Totchi must've picked our clothes up while I was out of it, made a move to hide the evidence probably. I wondered if he cared if the other's had caught us. And what if they had? There was almost a spark of allure in there wasn't there? Ah fuck it. Toshiya caught the look in my eye and kicked them off the bed, knocking them well out of my reach before I even had the chance to make a move.

"Iya. Stay like this. You're so pretty...too good for clothes." He kissed my back. Was he serious? His fingers brushed my bangs away from my eyes and I shifted closer involuntarily, wincing, my body was so fucking sore. Poor abused Kyo. Sweet sweet sweet. There's something about stretching your body with a blunt object that seems so sugary, doesn't it? Of course you wouldn't think so.

"Daijoubu ka?" I smiled, turned my head to face him. He definitely looked disheveled. His usually well combed hair was wild, long ebony bundles draped unsystematically over his shoulders, his once dark eye make-up smudged under the rims of his eyes, it was kind of sexy. Fuck...I did love him. Of course, what else did I expect to find out after all of this? That I hated him? Maybe...who knows. I barely understood myself sometimes. Maybe I was just looking for a reason not to love him, maybe I thought he'd mess up, hurt me, dismiss me, reject me. But looking at him now, with me, I loved him even more. So much more than I was supposed to.

And now...realizing this, I kind of wished he -had- dismissed me. I tucked my head into the crook of his neck and closed my eyes. Oh...I hadn't even got to watch my movie.


*******************

Toshiya

Only when I felt his body relax under my touch and settle into a repetitive breathing did I say anything. And even then the words came out only a fraction of a second after he'd fallen asleep. I know he hadn't heard them, I don't know if I had meant him to. In that second and those following nothing could possibly have pierced his senses. Kyo never did anything half-assed, especially sleeping.

"Aishiteru..." It sounded so bitter, that word, not from my lips but in my heart. And it seemed the only sugar to sweeten it was itself, only in another voice...definitely not mine and not Kaoru's either.

It was a cowardly way out, I know, but the fact that we'd had sex didn't necessarily mean that he had any emotional attachment beyond what he'd already had, and that -was- a love, yes, but was it enough for me?

Kyo had merely been turned on. The movie, my shameless advances and it had just gotten to him that's all. Also Die had mentioned in casual conversation about his talk with Kyo, how it'd been awhile since Kyo...well, maybe that was it...I was just an easy lay, a safety lay. God my chest hurt.

And it was blatantly obvious. This stunning body had been so tense, practically hyperventilated when he was touched, so sensitive, and I had certainly worked that to my advantage, not that he complained about the switch in dominance.

And that voice! Pushed ...no, strained to its limits. I just hoped he was okay for the concert. I hadn't thought of that... baka Toshiya!

It was his fault this time! But... he was so into it anyway. And, excuse me for eavesdropping on Kyo's ex-girlfriends, I was positive he had two telephones for a reason, buuuuuut, from what I gathered from 'dropping those eaves' Kyo was always really rough in bed. A far cry from the angel I had in mine. Maybe, it was emotional after all.

I pulled him tighter against my body, still wanting to feel every curve pressed against me. His exhaustion, though, was a compliment. I did feel kind of proud of myself for being able to make him get as loud as he did, yeah I hurt him...I know I did. I was rough. Still I had concentrated every brain cell I had into making him feel like God himself, and believe me I wouldn't mind staying and worshipping him for as long as he needed me.

Echoes of my words ran in my head, before I knew it the language had found it's way out of me for the second time. "Aishiteru Kyo-kun." This time it sounded a little less self-resenting, the acidic flavoring of it lessening on my tongue. I could say it a million times and he'd never hear it. But sometimes deaf ears were the best company for a degraded voice. As much as I wanted him to hear those words at the same time I hated for him to.

It was more than a little demeaning for me if I were to say them while he was awake enough for them to make sense. Even though he had taken me as well, freely consenting to allow him pleasure and vice versa, with another man no less, I was still afraid that if I brought emotions into it, if I told him that I loved him he'd find me filthy, whorish and maybe even change whatever ideals he had of me during the tenure of our friendship.

But then, at the same time, what would this do to us? That question could only go unanswered tonight. For one night all I had to think about was protecting and loving this butterfly in my arms. And until his release nothing would ever touch him.

****************

4/27 9:30 am


That release came sooner than Toshiya had expected. Kyo had woken up at nine, half an hour before the annoying buzzing of the alarm clock would've stirred him. And carefully he had crawled far away from Toshiya's reach. And when the clock finally began its grating siren, breaching the otherwise cool silence of the house, Toshiya saw that all his arms held was a wide expanse of chilly air.

As soon as Toshiya opened his eyes he knew Kyo was gone. He didn't even have to see the empty area where he had slept or feel the absence of the small body's heat, now replaced by cool morning air licking at his exposed skin. He knew, really, before he even claimed full consciousness. It was already in his mind, too real for him. He had been abandoned.

And it seemed to him as though he had been dreaming the whole thing. Even though the evidence was clear in the discarded clothes littering the floor just where Toshiya had thrown them and the few blonde hairs left almost invisibly on the pillow. Why then was he suffering this absence? Regret was the only answer Toshiya could work out. Kyo had to have regretted ever touching him and while the imprint of every stroke of Kyo's hands on him had permanently, though not undesirably, burned his skin, branded him and even though he had loved every second of contact he couldn't hold back the sudden urge to wish it all away.

But he couldn't think about it now. He had another addiction to restrain. And the sound of his melody resounded in his head, ready and willing to play. At the Budoukan by eleven, sound checks at one and then...bliss at seven.

********************************

7:00 pm

Vociferous screams gave way to even louder ones as the lights dimmed, fans in the vast crowd settling in under the veil of fresh darkness that enthralled the room. All eyes facing the massive stage setup in anxious delay, voices shattered the darkness with piercing cries, names, as loud as they had the will to say them.

Then the flames started. Small at first, spiraling up, flickering into a raging hell fire. The blazing image revealed on the stage's immense video screen. The screeching mass wanting more and more to feel the heat of those flames swallow them up as it began, that chant to send them all into a personal, almost spiritual heaven. Deity.

Calming the once mass hysteria in the crowd, the audience merely looked on, completely spellbound at the image of the stage, those flames, the chanting and they waited in calm surrender for their gods to show themselves.

Black platform shoes fell one after the other upon the surface area of the stage, the red glow from the video screen cast its shadow upon the owner. Head up, confident and heading in to hell. The screams spread louder as the figure neared the center of the stage, stopping finally to throw its arms up to welcome the blood curdling cries of faithfulness emitting from the attentive assembly below the stage.

More shrouded figures followed, stopping short or moving past the center of the stage, settling into their positions of authority from high atop their dais. Energy so manipulative that it could've crushed the whole of the room under its power. So seductive.

And then with one single beat, it began. A sound so internally tribal that it made the heart pound in a rhythm that threatened to breach the confines of its encasing. Too impressive for words.

The music continued repetitively, swimming in its own intensity, for moments, escalating into an intense hell and then it dropped. Sunk to a solitary but beautiful mixture of soft ringing cords, before it again broke into another rhythmic chanting, this time from the lips of their god, the sheer extent of his voice making his small form seem dominating, strong and ten feet tall. It was a power no one could touch or take away.

His eyes flicked upward as his body began to move seductively.

?Go-lo-vo-kru-dzenie

Ye-va A-dam

Muchenie

Dzer-tva

Apo-stoh-l

Bog Bol

Roditsya?

A last echoing note in perfect Russian sent the music literally spiraling down into another split second of silence. The concert had begun and it was already a power trip. An S trip. An S trap. What an amazing feeling.


****************
[KR] Cube

Strong, deep vibrations surged the underbelly of the stage, the bodies above nearly shaking at the force in which the bass cords had been executed. Toshiya watched silently as Kyo taunted the crowd, letting out a loud, rasping growl before the rest of the harmonics joined in perfect sync. Letting his body move with the music, Kyo rocked side to side, feeling the deep surges of sound that the amps upon the stage forced out with overwhelming magnitude.

The stage lit up, brighter than the day, nearly blinding its occupants. The lights spanning a vast area before them, illuminating the crowd as well as the stage itself. Kyo felt his hands tighten on the sleek black handle of his microphone, needing reassurance that his voice could still carry to the back, inducing the complimentary howls of the fans beyond.
Feeling that familiar smooth surface grace his palm he lifted the mic to his mouth, forcing sound from his throat as the music hit his cue.

? Oni-san kochira...? His near pristine voice faltered as the words caught hatefully in his throat, unable to force the rest out as well. His felt the familiar aching in his throat, not from the vocal outlet he had given freely to Toshiya, but from the burning sensation the words seemed to present him.

'Just try and tag me...' His eyes flicked to the side, knowing Toshiya was to the right of him. The devil seemed to already have found him in this dark place, already tagged, possibly bleeding, already stolen his breathe with no more than his mere presence. And how he wanted to choke on those words while those that followed came freely from his lips.

He felt Kaoru move in behind him, felt the distinct curve of his back pressed up against his own, he knew there was security there if he had the nerve to stay. Kaoru smiled back at him and precisely fingered the frets on his Ganesa, making the fans scream in delight. Not his place. Not his time.

?Nihon ningyou no youna kimi wa...? He felt his body shift, moving away, twitching sensuously, almost skipping, as it headed stage right, his eyes catching Toshiya's gaze as he spat the lines as powerfully as he could get them out. The lights emanating from the stage seemed to play shapes on the sea of fans below, hands outstretched in welcome and need, but they were too far to touch.

Toshiya sensed the break in his line and held his bass firmly against his side, keeping it as close as possible his body ran of its own accord to Kyo's side, feeling his heavy feet pound at the floor below him and the soft material of his costume brush his legs as the air flew past his quick moving form.

All he seemed to want was to be close to Kyo, but his reasoning fought it out with his heart, grating heavily on his nerves. He straightened up and swung his bass back around to the front, resting the flat back against his hip and bending his legs for support.

The tension the smaller man discharged and turned the air into a thick haze, Toshiya couldn't seem to focus as it surrounded him, almost vengefully he noted.

Kyo couldn't breathe, his heart pounding in a rhythm that sickened him to the core, that repellent beat threatening to rip past the firm flesh of his upper body. The whole feeling made him sick. He felt himself silently choke on a paused breathe and he willed his heart to die quietly if it insisted on forfeiting itself to the man in black. That walking lie.

?nennenokoroiyo? Gathering the strength he shattered the air surrounding him enough to break through, enough to catch his breath away from Toshiya.

Upon his escape the music took him again, forcing the thoughts away from his head succinctly. The image of the audience in full motion, mimicking his every move sent him back into that brief bliss he had come to expect from the lives and he strove to keep the momentum strong.

?kururi, furari, fuwari, kurari? He felt his throat give exit to the last growled sound of the chorus and he began taunting the crowd again. Each time he spoke the audience grew louder, screaming with him as he used his voice to manipulate the crowd to his will.

The energy of the fans seemed to push its way inside the blonde with absolute intensity, he hadn't even noticed the music continue its reverberation throughout the room. In those moments the room consisted of nothing save Kyo, the fans, and an energy that could split the world in two.

?Mother and you and my new relation.

Without thinking I put my hand on your neck.

You say nothing and you do nothing.

I'm gonna sing the last lullaby for you while you smile at me.?

'Energy and Toshiya...' His voice seemed to abate and the words came out too much together and forced.

? I wonder why I fell in love with you.

Impossible Love!?

The first cords of Kaoru's solo were the last thing Kyo seemed to hear as the words rooted themselves in his mind. Hateful, yes, but meaningful. He hadn't even realized when he had begun singing again till he was suffocating through the final words, deeply lodged in his throat, and he spat them out with a calm but sour tone as the music died and his words echoed through his ears in a final conformation of the extent of his nausea.

? My new relation!?


**********************
Zakuro

Three cords broke the near silence, somber, indescribable. Each string touched by a pleading finger resting on the frets, each heavy filament beginning to serrate the callused tips as they begged the instrument to sing with all the quiet emotion it could offer.

Another set of the same expressive notes followed, already they'd found the souls of the audience and everyone within their reach, already drawing out the very breath and heart in the room.

The audience was still as the pounding began. Sorrowful and tired, as if the very instrument itself had no soul left to give. The auburn haired drummer pounding them retained his impassive expression, adding to the surrealism in the air, almost befitting of a porcelain doll being controlled by some invisible puppeteer.

The combination of the soulless but somehow emotional tones brought the very life in the room to a standstill, it was a sound that could best be described as sound itself crying.

The 'tears' that seemed to pour from the stage had already stolen Kyo, directly in their path and he stood overwhelmed by the fierceness at which he was claimed. His voice catching before he felt the words crawl up his throat and out into the mist of the air.

? Koe wo dashite sakenda anata no namae?
(I screamed out your name...)
? Kitto todokanai wa ne watashi no koe sae mo?
(Even my voice will probably never reach you.)
? Demo ne ima wa sore demo watashi wa ii no?
( But you know, now I'm okay with that.)
? Itsuka kokoro no naka de anata wo..........?
(Someday in my heart you'll be...)

The words seemed to flow like water, like he'd always known what to say though he had felt he didn't remember the words. Eerily they began to make sense to him. And the song wasn't what he'd written anymore, it was for Toshiya, for him.

? Yume wo konya mo miru wa anata no yume wo?
( I'll dream tonight, dreams of you.)
? makura no shita ni oita anata no tegami no sei?
( because of that letter I put under my pillow.)
? Yume wa zankoku sugite iki ga togire?
( my dreams are too cruel, my breath is cut off.)
? Itsumo gozen yojihon kurushiku mega sameru wa...?
( I always painfully awaken at four in the morning...)
*
? Toki wa naga sugite...?
(Time is too long)
? Toki wa tsura sugite...?
( Time is too painful)
? Yume wo tomaranai...?
( the dreams don't stop)
? Ai wa kogoete yuku no?
( love freezes to death)
? hieta yoru..................?
(on a cold night)
? Konna ni nagai yoru ni wa?
( on this long night.)

The similarities were endless, and he could feel Toshiya's eyes burn through his back as he sang, suddenly wishing to be miles away. What happened between them? What were they now to each other? Or were they nothing at all? He didn't want that, the ordeal had scared him, he loved Toshiya, but all the disgust that came with it ate at him. He was straight, and Toshiya certainly didn't love him. It was all wrong.

? Ishiki ga chigirete... konagona ni natte?
(My consciousness splintered and powdered)
? ahhh, ahhhhh?
? Omoide wo chirashi....?
(memories scattered about)
? Anata no yubiwa nigirishimeru hodo ni.....namida ga makura wo nurasu...?
( Holding your ring so tightly that my tears wet the pillow.)

Time seemed to stop as the feral pounding began again, heavy at first, softening to a dull beat. Each strike against the drums hammered through the floor, as if the earth was shaking beneath him. His head spun, dizzy and sick and everything threatened to rush out of him all at once, a torrent of emotional disaster that tore his insides with violent havoc.

Then came the rain. The soft free sound of beautiful harmonic salvation. And with every note that Kaoru played he felt himself return somewhat to a more rational state, fumbling along the stage on shaky legs. It began again.

?Kikoenai you ni...mimi wo fusaideta......anata no koe wo...?
( So I couldn't hear it, I blocked my ears to your voice...)

His words were hushed, hurt and shaking. But the voice that -was- haunting him never subsided. His body was slumped over onto itself, half standing, head down, the muscled form shaking underneath the gravity of every trembling word.

The room was dark, blackened, and hellish. Crimson light bathed the room from high atop the rotating 'sun' hung from the stage rafters above, spreading a luminosity that seemed to shine from within the many layers of the inferno.

He stumbled over his own legs. The light casting a demonic halo effect on the only visible entity on the stage, himself. His shirt was open, exposing his clear curves underneath its loose fabric, stage blood caked upon the layers of white fabric, the tailored gothic design of the shirt, the lace and delicate ruffles matted down in a sort of blackened crimson stain.

Head pounding, his left hand clasping at his ear, uncomfortable. His chest heaved as he straightened, reaching skyward toward the light, trying to steal it away.

? Tekubi no kizuato... mata hitotsu fuete...?
(One more scar added to my wrist....)

Flawless, beautiful skin......Kyo felt his body bend, his hand gripping the microphone hard, turning his knuckles practically white. His other resting on his knee for support. His voice retching and hoarse, seemingly sick.

? Kizu ni tokekonde iku...anata...?
( melting into the wound...you...)

The sound barely made it past his cracked lips as it was forced, from deep within his throat with a quiet heaving. For a moment the only sound was that of his breathing, harsh and strained. The music hit a peak with violent intensity and feeling the force of it's shock he slammed his body down with all he could manage, the very second of the music's climax sent the same red 'sun' shifting to an angelic blue.

The sparks emanating from the sapphire orb covered the audience in a dazzling sea of glistening tears. The taut body hit the ground with amazing drive, toppling onto his knees as the blue heaven began to cry above him. Each passing pigment of light hitting the shadows of his form in just the right angle, and he stayed on the floor, in just that way, as Heaven turned above him.

? Watashi wa kowareru tegami moyashi, hai ni naru....?
( I am breaking, burning the letter, it's reduced to ash...)

Crawling along the floor his small body swayed, fingernails digging into the solid platform below him. He felt the tears slip down his cheek, his face obscured from the view of the thousands of stunned fans beyond.

? Watashi wa kowareru kokoro kowashi, hai ni naru...?
( I am breaking, destroy my heart, it's reduced to ash)

Shoulders rolled forward, face dirty with dried stage blood, eyes closed. His eyes flashed open, pupils rolled back exposing only the hollow white of his eyes, centered within the pit of never ending black that surrounded them, dark eye shadow creasing, smudging, running.

? Watashi wa kowareru anata wo nakushi, ai shiteru.....?
( I am breaking losing you, I love you...)

Accurately manicured nails drug sharply across his chest, scratching dirt marks on his stretched skin. Head lolled backwards in a silent plea. He really felt it, all of it. The unrequited love he all too often wrote about, the painful tearing of his insides as they churned over the feeling of doubt and anxiety, over Toshiya.

Standing he gripped the silver stand before him, dragging it slowly in small traipsing circles, body bent, the plastic, decorative I.V.s shaking, moving unsteadily as he walked with it. Slowly backing on the heels of his platforms, turning it, leaning on it and finally dropping it with a clatter muted by the cyclic music in the stadium.

?Watashi wa.......!!!?
(I am...)

White eyes flicked skyward, feeling the heat from the light above. Fingers pressed to his ear again, hurting.

"Anata wo nakushi....."

Pausing still underneath the 'sky' he stood, in wonder, softly speaking the lines, speaking to the divine light that cried down upon him. Pleading with it. Slowly he blinked, catching the darkness briefly before opening his tired eyes again to the light, finally giving a horrified yell and slamming downward. Trembling at the first word.

?Aishiteru...?
(I love you)

The word continued its passage through the room, coming louder and louder, scream after scream Aishiteru, and each time it ripped through his lungs, coughing it up with enough strength to turn his little body inside out.

Crawling atop an amplifier he curled into himself, hand stretched out in front of his head, reaching at the solid form underneath him.

?Aishiteru?

It came out amidst constrained sobs, over and over. He was hurt, he was broken and he would die on this stage in front of everyone he loved, his family on the stage, his fans below it.

Climbing off the amp he repeated the familiar sick word hurtfully before screaming it, letting it rip through his body with one final shriek. His knees demanded release, almost giving way under him. Spinning in flailed circles, hand to ear again, it was all he had to give.

Reaching out to the audience the tiny beads of sweat glistened to match his tears as they slid down his face, tears only falling from his right eye, sliding down the short bridge of his nose as he repeated the last, breathed his last. It was all out, he had survived.

Red dropped to cover the stage in a final show of impressive mechanics for the fans outside, their echoing screams filling the stadium. Their angels had made them cry and it was one hell of a show.

TBC

I'll upload the new chapter as soon as I can.