The Secret

{A/N: I checked Alan's movements, like the stalker I am and he was directing Ruby Wax in her stage thing in 92, but he had just returned from Tango at the end of Winter so I am assuming he had a week off - its artistic licence!}

1992

Ellie walked into the sitting room and stood her case up next to the doorframe. Pete looked up from the sofa. He looked tense.

'There is no need for this you know! We can talk now, just sort everything.' He was angry with her but more frustrated with the whole situation.

'I don't feel like I want to talk now, Pete. I have tried and tried. You just shrug your shoulders, tell me everything is fine and then everything goes on as normal. But it's not all right! How can we go for six months without having sex? You wont let me hold you. If I try to hug you, you just pull away. I try and talk to you about it but you just make an excuse. It hurts me so much and I don’t think I can live like this. And I won't, Pete. I need more.'

'I need more too, Ellie. I don't know what's going on, really.' He sat forward holding his head in his hands. Ellie walked towards him and sat a little away from him.

'I love you Pete; I want to be with you, I always have. But this isn't normal. We don't even speak about anything significant except Sam. What she's had for her tea, who's giving her a bath tonight, what she did at nursery. I love Sam, and I love you and I don't want us to split up. But we were a proper couple once and if we can't get that back, well....'

Pete sighed and glanced towards her case. 'Did you call Poppy?'

'I left a message, she's probably working.'

'Here....' Pete handed her £50.00 'It's all we can afford but take it. Just promise me, when you come home, we can sort this out. I love you, Ellie.'

He looked at her and she saw the sadness in his blue eyes. Feeling a twinge of guilt, she reached out her hand to him. He took it and held it for a moment, before letting it go.

'Come on, I can drop you at the station on my way to get Sam.'

They didn't speak in the car. Ellie gave Pete a quick peck on the cheek and as he drove away she mused that today they had more physical contact and conversation than they had for many months.

Three hours later, Ellie was standing in a ‘phone box at Kings Cross, still trying to get through to Poppy. After leaving another message, Ellie decided to go to the theatre. She couldn't think where else to try, she had only visited her once before and that was over 2 years ago.

Ellie found the tube a trial, especially as she had to carry her suitcase. It was starting to become a dead weight and she wished she'd packed a rucksack instead. She was pushed, shoved and jostled and at one point, fell over the case as there was a scrum to the train. She picked herself up and bit her lip. She was tired and it was making her tearful. She desperately wanted to see Poppy; she needed her friend right now.

She arrived at the Haymarket to find it shut. Hammering on the door she thought she could hear people moving around inside, but no one responded. She heaved a sigh and decided to try the stage door. Poppy had taken her in that way the last time.

Dragging her suitcase, which was now giving her blisters on her hands, she walked around the side and into the back alley. It wasn't too fresh, a few wheelie bins were pulled out and needed emptying, old cardboard boxes were flattened in the corner and Ellie thought it would probably be someone's bed later that night. She pulled open the old wooden door that had a faded sign above it, and walked into the darkened passageway.

Ellie inhaled sharply. There were strange smells, damp and dusty. She saw a rail of old stage clothes abandoned in the passage and wondered if the Theatre was closed permanently. She left her case where it stood and wandered along towards the dressing room area. She could hear someone moving around in one of the rooms and called out.


'Poppy, is that you? It's me, Ellie.'

The door swung sharply open and a tall, lean and stern-faced man was standing framed there in the doorway.

'Who are you?' He demanded.

'I'm Ellie. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be here, but I'm looking for Poppy...Poppy Maguire?'

'Oh yes, Poppy. No, she's not here, away touring with the last show. Sorry.'

Ellie bit her trembling lip. What would she do now? She stood, looking lost.

' I said she is not here and, as you said yourself, you shouldn’t be here'. The man was obviously frustrated at her presence and nodded back towards the stage door.

'Right...yes. Thank you...'she stammered.

He was being rude but she was upset and couldn't give him the response she really wanted to. As she walked down the hallway she muttered under her breath, 'Fucking prick'.

She grabbed her case, walked back to the front of the Theatre and sat on the steps. She didn't know what to do. Her only choice was to go home but she couldn't face Pete so soon. He would think she had changed her mind and she wouldn't let that happen.

Tears were pricking Ellie’s eyes, frustrated, angry tears and she rubbed them away as soon as they fell, annoyed with herself for assuming Poppy would be around, annoyed with the rude man in the Theatre and annoyed with Pete and the whole stupid thing.

Ellie ran her fingers through her long red curls and looked up to see the rude man standing in front of her.

‘What do you want? Have you come to be rude to me again?’ Ellie bit at him and he took a step back.

‘Well, I thought you were crying and I thought, perhaps, it was my fault. I was going to apologise but….’ He shrugged and turned to walk away.

‘Wait,’ Ellie called to him, standing up and brushing herself off. He turned slowly and raised an eyebrow. Ellie stood with her hands stuffed into her denim jacket pockets, eyes red-rimmed and a bit puffy but looked him in the eye.

‘I’m sorry. I hate rudeness and just because YOU were rude, it doesn’t give me the excuse to be rude back. And I wasn’t crying, not really. I’m just…. pissed off. ‘

She ran a hand through her hair. ‘Look, do you know if there is a cheap B&B somewhere close by, I’ve been lugging this stupid case all day.‘

She kicked her case angrily and didn’t notice the man trying to contain a smile.

‘Poppy’s not about. I just need somewhere to stay and I need a fucking drink.’

Something about Ellie’s straight talking amused the man.

‘I can show you where to get a drink, if you don’t mind some rude company, then I can get you into a B & B, if you like?’ He smiled a little and it changed his face, smoothed out the stern lines and gave him a slight twinkle in his eye.

Ellie looked at him and realised this was the best offer she had all day. She smiled at him widely and the man was stunned by how naturally beautiful she was.

‘That’s would be great! Thanks’ Ellie grabbed her case and winced as she caught the blister on her hand. The man walked up to her.

‘Here. Take these… ‘He handed Ellie a sheaf of papers and took the case from her. ‘You look like you need a break!’

He laughed a little and close up, Ellie saw his eyes were hazel and he was, in fact, quite handsome.

‘Are you an actor?’ Ellie asked.

‘I am, actually. Alan….’ He held out his hand and Ellie shook it.
‘I’m …’ He interrupted her.

‘You’re Ellie… I know.’ He smiled ‘Come on. Let’s get you that drink’


They walked a little way down the street where a small pub sat on the corner. Alan motioned for Ellie to open the door and they stepped inside. It was what Ellie thought of as an old man’s pub, leather chairs, bare wooden floors, tobacco stains on the ceiling and the obligatory old man with a flat cap holding up the bar, supping on a pint of bitter.

‘What do you drink?’ Alan asked as they found a small table with room to put Ellie’s case out of the way.

‘G & T, if that’s ok?’ Ellie grinned at him. He was odd but she was starting to like him in a strange way and at the moment, he was the only person in this huge bustling place that she knew.

‘Classy. Be right back…oh, and don’t mess those up, I spent all afternoon putting them in order.’ He pointed at the papers that Ellie had plonked unceremoniously on the table.

He returned with the drinks and lifted his papers onto the chair next to him.

‘So, Ellie. You’re a friend of Poppy’s?’ He asked her. He had got himself a glass of red wine and sipped it slowly, holding the wine on his tongue gently before swallowing.

‘She’s my best friend, actually. It didn’t occur to me she would be away.’ Ellie frowned to herself. She wished she’d checked first.

‘Maybe next time it would be wise to check first.’ He stated it innocently.

‘You think so? You must think that being an actor gives you this amazing insight into what people should and shouldn’t do!’ She retorted. God, he was a pain in the arse!

He smiled at her with amusement. ‘I think you might have been a cat in a previous life.’

Ellie blushed then laughed. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap but I am having probably the worst day of my life. I don’t feel very tolerant.’

‘That’s ok. I can be a miserable bastard too.’ He smiled ‘Here’s to being grumpy!’ he raised his glass to Ellie and she raised hers. Their eyes met and they smiled at each other.

Ellie sighed deeply and took of her jacket, hanging it over the back of her chair. She was wearing a tight pale blue T-shirt that left very little to the imagination and Alan averted his gaze for a second while she turned around. He glanced back and was relieved to see her hair was long enough to cover her amazing breasts.

‘That was a big sigh. Sharing can be good for the soul…apparently.’ He leaned forward a little. Ellie looked into his face. He seemed kind and she was starting to feel more comfortable in his company.

Ellie smiled. ‘I was just thinking how great it would be to sit here all night and get drunk, but I only have £50 and I need that so I can sleep somewhere more comfortable than a pile of cardboard behind a Theatre.’

‘Ah yes. And I’m not sure our resident vagrant would be happy to give up his bed space!’ He smiled at her warmly and noticed her glass was empty. ‘Another one?’

Ellie nodded and smiled. She wondered what Pete would think, her sitting in a strange pub with a stranger, a male stranger who was at least 15 years older than herself.

She watched him at the bar. He had sandy brown hair which was quite long and hung over his collar. He was wearing what looked like corduroy trousers in an odd shade of tan and a brown t-shirt. Over the top he was wearing a cardigan similar to one she had bought for her Grandfather the previous Christmas and she laughed to herself. He looked like a teacher or someone who actually just didn’t care what they were wearing. Ellie did have to admit though, that under the clothes there was a lithe frame and he looked very good for a man of his age, whatever that was.

Alan turned to walk back to the table and caught Ellie checking him out. He was flattered, although he didn’t like to admit it and tried not to embarrass her as he sat down.

‘Here you go’ He smiled broadly and Ellie’s stomach flipped. He was gorgeous when he smiled properly. She averted her gaze, took a large drink and chastised herself. ‘Ellie McDonald! You are a married woman for fucks’ sake.’

‘I have a proposition for you…’ He looked at her intently and she felt like she was being penetrated by his stare.

Ellie took a pause and looked back at him; unable to pull her eyes away from his even though she was aware she was staring at him. He was magnetic.

‘Yes?’ Her voice sounded stronger than she felt.

‘Well I know we don’t know each other, but I have a spare room in my flat and I haven’t eaten yet. Save your money for food and more gin, then you can stay at my place…if you want to?’

He couldn’t explain why he had asked her. He was usually such a private person but he was feeling miserable himself tonight and he could really use some company. Being with someone he didn’t know seemed like the ideal solution.

Ellie thought about what he had just said. She hadn’t even thought about food and she was starving. ‘It’s only one night. And he is a friend of Poppy’s. And he’s been nice so far, well, apart from being a rude prick’. Ellie justified it to herself then grinned at him.

‘Thank you, that would be very nice.’ She smiled slowly at him and he felt his groin tighten.

‘Oh bloody hell, what am I doing?’ He thought to himself.

He smiled back at her, unable to speak. He raised his glass and winked at her.

Ellie smiled back and suddenly knew exactly what she had got herself into. Her stomach was full of butterflies and she knew it was wrong. But she knew, deep down, she would let it happen. And part of her couldn’t care less.