louder than words

When Bam woke up a little while later, Ville was still asleep, his arm still holding Bam to him. Smiling at how peaceful Ville looked, he brushed his lips over his swollen eye. There had hardly been any contact but as Bam pulled away, Ville started to stir.

"Hi." He muttered groggily.

"Hey, I'm sorry did I wake you?"

"Doesn't matter if you did, any sleep is good as far as I'm concerned. I'm not moving though, it's warm here."

Bam chuckled as Ville burrowed further under the covers unintentionally pulling Bam with him. The duvet had been pulled over their heads and it was warm and dark, their faces close enough that they could still see the colour of each others eyes.

"You're so cute when you first wake up."

Ville's hand was on his face, thumb stroking his cheek and his breath was hot against his lips every time he breathed. The air between them was electric and Bam leant forward, capturing Ville's lips in a searing kiss. Hands slid through hair as tongues and legs tangled together in a heated passion. Bam moaned into the hot cavern of Ville's mouth but suddenly the older man pulled away from him, pushing the duvet away from them both and getting out of bed, the room seeming cold after the stifling heat of being under the covers.

Bam watched him pace back and forth but couldn't bring himself to move. He just hoped that if he stayed still, Ville would forget he was there because he didn't think he could handle hearing that what they'd just done was a mistake. Suddenly though, Ville looked straight at him, emerald eyes locking with his with an intensity that made his breath catch in his throat. Crouching down, Ville rested his arms on the bed and leant forward on them.

"Ok, I've been thinking about everything you said and something Dan said to me and I need to ask you something but you have to be honest even if you think I won't like the answer. Promise me, you'll do that."

"Ok, I'll tell you the truth I promise."

"All this." Ville gestured between himself and Bam. "All this kissing me and letting me hold you, are you just doing that because you know that I'm attracted to you and you think you have to do it because you feel like you owe me?"

"No." Bam looked slightly shocked at the suggestion. "I do it because I like it and I want to kiss you and let you hold me." His face burned a bright red and he picked nervously at a loose thread on the blanket, not meeting Ville's eyes.

"Good."

"That's good?" Startled blue eyes finally met his.

"Yeah, because I like holding and kissing you too, I was just a bit worried that you thought I was like Dan and that I'd hurt you if you didn't let me."

"You're nothing like him, you'd never do anything like that, I trust you." Inwardly he sighed in relief. Maybe Ville hadn't changed his mind about liking him after all.

"Can I kiss you again?"

Bam had had no idea how erotic those simple words could be until now and he nodded his head, his tongue darting out to moisten suddenly dry lips. Still knelt at the side of the bed, Ville snaked an arm round Bam's neck and pulled him forward so he was almost laying on his stomach across the bed.

"I won't let anyone hurt you again." He whispered, but before Bam had a chance to reply soft lips were pressing against his and he stopped thinking. He kissed back enthusiastically, shivering with delight as one of Ville's hands stroked his bare back and the other cupped the back of his head gently holding him into the kiss.

They broke apart only when it became necessary to breathe. Neither of them moved, they just sat in silence looking at each other bashfully until Bam finally gathered the courage to ask for what he'd been thinking of for days.

"Ville, will you, I mean, I want you to....can you show me what it's like?" He stuttered out.

"Show you what what's like sweetheart?"

"Well the thing is, I've only ever dated women so I don't know but Novak used to sleep with anyone and he said that sometimes having sex with another man was better than having sex with a woman."

He saw Ville nodding in agreement so he carried on, hopeful. "But I don't see how guys can do that because it hurts so much."

"That's because he wasn't trying to make it feel good for you Bam, it can if both people want it."

"I know, that's what I thought. So will you? Will you show me how it's supposed to feel?"

Ville's mouth fell open in shock. "You want me to have sex with you?"

"You don't have to, just forget it." Bam mumbled, mistaking Ville's suprise for disgust and rejection.

"I'm not saying no sweetheart, I just want you to be sure you're ready for something like that because I love you and I don't want you to end up feeling worse because you rushed things."

"You love me?"

"Fuck." Ville groaned, dropping his head into his hands. "I hadn't planned on telling you but yeah, I do." He wasn't sure that Bam would be able to handle a confession like that when he was still so nervous around men. He just hoped he hadn't scared him off.

"I can't say it back." He said finally. "I need to sort myself out a bit more before I can start saying things like that but I do care for you, more than anything and that's the closest thing I've ever felt to love. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear."

"Darling, that's more than I'd hoped for so don't be sorry."

"You know, even before everything happened, I'd never wanted to be with another guy. I'd find them attractive and stuff but then I'd think about what having sex with them would entail and I'd change my mind. All that stuff with Dan just made me more sure that I wouldn't like it."

"Then why ask me to sleep with you?" Ville asked in confusion.

"Because I know you'd make it feel good and you wouldn't hurt me." He muttered something else but it was so quiet that Ville couldn't hear him.

"What was that Kulta?" He asked, wondering at the blush that was creeping up Bam's neck and face.

"Nothing, I didn't say anything."

"Yes you did and I wanna know what it was. Are you worried I'm going to be angry?"

"No, it's just embarrassing."

"Oh, so you did say something!" Ville teased.

"Hey, that's cheating." Bam pretended to sulk. "Now I'm definitely not telling you!"

"But you forget that I know you're ticklish and if I have to tickle it out of you, I will."

Bam tried to move but Ville was quicker, moving to pin the younger boy down, Vile tickled him ruthlessly giggling as he listened to Bam's infectious laughter and declarations that he'd never tell. He was glad Bam felt comfortable enough with him to allow that much contact but he still kept checking to make sure he was still ok.

Trying to push Ville off of him from where he was now straddling his waist, Bam tried to talk through his laughter. "Ville stop, I'll tell you just stop!"

Ville stopped but didn't move. "Ok, so what did you say?"

Turning his head to the side, he stared fixatedly at the wall the deep blush returning to stain his skin. "I said, I want to have sex with you because........because you turn me on so much that sometimes it feels like I'm gonna go insane if I can't touch you."

"Wow." Ville breathed out, slightly stunned. "You've got one hell of a way with words."

He gripped Bam's chin gently and turned his face so he could see his expression. Bam had the same look on his face as he did the first time he'd initiated a kiss between them, scared and shocked as though he couldn't believe he'd had the nerve to do it. He smile reassuringly at the boy under him before bringing his face down close so that their lips brushed with every movement.

"You turn me on too."

This time the kiss was a soft, barely there brush of the lips before Ville's mouth travelled down to kiss his neck and throat. Bam whimpered as Ville bit gently at the base of his throat, using his tongue to soothe the slight sting. Tilting his head back he allowed Ville more access, his hands unconciously going to Ville's head to hold him in place.

He could feel Ville's erection pressing against his own through the layers of cloth seperating them and he felt the overwhelming urge to just grind his hips into Ville's. He didn't though, the fear of many different things stopping him. The fear that he'd do something wrong, that Ville would decide that he didn't want someone that had no experience, that he wouldn't be any good at it and, the thing he feared most of all, the voice in his head that said if he kept being so over eager Ville would decide that Dan was right and he was just a whore.

Trying to keep himself under control, he kept his body perfectly still, trying to control his breathing and his entire body shaking with repressed lust. Unfortunately for him, Ville was keeping a close eye on him in case he got scared and he immediately noticed that something was wrong. Bam gave a choked whine of protest when Ville moved off his body and sat down next to him instead.

"You should have told me to stop sweetheart."

"Why? I didn't want you to."

"You tensed up and you were shaking, you were obviously scared. I told you that if you got scared we didn't have to do anything and I meant it."

"I wasn't. I mean, that's not what I was scared of."

"Then what was it?" When Bam just shook his head, Ville pushed the subject. "Bam please, tell me what's wrong. You should know by now that you can tell me anything and I won't be angry. I won't laugh and I won't judge you. I just want to help make things better for you and I can't do that if you won't talk to me."

Looking over at him, Bam saw nothing but concern and compassion in his eyes so, taking a deep breath, Bam found himself telling Ville all his fears and waiting with baited breath to see how he responded.

"Ok, first of all, I knew that you didn't have any proper experience long before today and I still want you so that's hardly likely to change. Secondly, you can't do anything wrong and there's no way you can be bad at sex. I've always thought that you can tell what a person will be like in bed by the way that they kiss and you're one of the most amazing and passionate kissers that I've ever met."

Ville sighed, trying not to take Bam's last fear personally but unable to stop feeling a little hurt and disappointed.

"As for the other issue, if you really think that I could think of you like that, then should we really even be talking about sleeping together?"

Bam opened his mouth to say something but Ville shushed him. "I know you didn't mean it that way and it's understandable that you'll have a few fears like that but you can't let it destroy your life. Not everyone is going to hurt you or think so little of you. Once you start to realise that, things will start to get better."

He kissed Bam lightly on the lips before getting off the bed and grabbing some clean clothes.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm just going to have a quick shower, then I'm gonna start packing for our flight this afternoon."

"Can't you just come back to bed?" Bam asked, blushing slightly at have the courage to ask.

Knowing what Bam meant, Ville sighed again. "No."

As Bam's face fell, he hurried to explain himself. "You're not ready Bam, and if we had sex now you'd just regret it later. I'm not saying no because I don't want to because believe me I do, it's just that this is so important and it's not something that needs to be rushed. We've got two weeks now with no work and no commitments and if you honestly think you're ready at some point during that time then we'll have all the time we need to take it slow and make it perfect for you, ok darling?"

Bam nodded. "Thank you for putting up with me."

"It's never been about putting up with you Kulta, I love you and I just want you to feel happy and safe."

"I do."

"Good." Ville smiled. "Let's get ready for this flight then."

After both taking showers and making sure they'd remembered to repack everything, they headed down to the hotels restaurant for a late lunch before they had to leave for the airport. When they got there, they found the rest of the band plus Seppo and Luke already sitting at a table. Getting a nod of acceptance from Bam, Ville led the way over to the table as no one seemed to have noticed their arrival.

"Hi guys, room for two more?"

Everyone's heads turned to face them simultaniously and Ville bit back a laugh.

"You're back! When did you get here? Bam, how are you feeling? What happened, Luke just said there'd been an accident and wouldn't tell us anything else, we were really worried."

Everyone was talking at once as Luke pulled over two chairs from an unoccupied table.

"We got back quite early this morning but Bam needed to sleep and I was pretty tired as well."

"How are you feeling now Bam?" Gas asked again.

"I'm ok thanks, just a bit sore." Bam replied innocently, watching their faces for reactions. And what a reaction he got, the looks on their faces alone had him struggling not to laugh and Ville wasn't even trying to hide it, but it was when Burton stammered out "But...you can talk." that Bam really lost it.

Ville was already leaning onto the table for support, giggles racking his slender frame and Bam clung to him as he finally gave in to the laughter he'd been trying to repress.

"It's not that funny. How long have you been able to talk?" Mige asked grumpily.

"Not long. It came back in hospital, I don't know why though."

"Maybe the fear of being left on your own shocked your body into talking somehow, like a survival instinct." Ville suggested, brushing wayward strands of hair out of his face so he could look at the menu.

"What the fuck happened to your eye?" Linde exclaimed.

"Shit, I forgot about that. The new roadie pissed me off and we got into a bit of a fight, it's nothing major."

"Nothing major? You had a fist fight with a member of the crew, you can't end up with that sort of reputation. It's so irresponsible of you." Seppo scolded. "I can't believe you...."

"Stop it." Bam's voice rung out suddenly, effectively silencing Seppo. "Stop yelling at Ville. He was protecting me so leave him alone."

Bam's voice was shaking with nerves. He knew he shouldn't be shouting at someone who had the ability to take him away from Ville but he just couldn't sit there and watch him get yelled at any more.

"What do you mean? What did he ever do to you?"

Bam hesitated. He'd had enough trouble finding the words to tell Ville and he didn't know if he could do it again. Looking at Ville, he pleaded wordlessly for him to tell them for him and thankfully he understood.

"Dan was the guy who raped Bam when he was homeless, he was bragging about it and I lost my temper. I know I shouldn't have but I don't regret it."

"Serves him right then if you ask me, he's just lucky the rest of us weren't there as well. Tell me he's not still working for us though." Mige said, fixing a determined glare at Luke.

"Of course not. There's no wa in hell I'd let him work on my crew any longer."

"Good, at least we don't have to worry about him hanging around then. Don't worry Bam, if he ever does come back we'll just lock him in a room with Ville before he's had his morning coffee and cigarette." Gas joked and the rest of the band laughed, ignoring the disapproving glances Seppo was giving them.

"He's not that bad. I see him every morning before he has those and he's never been grumpy with me."

"That's because he thinks you're perfect and he doesn't want you to be upset. To us he's a complete bastard first thing." Linde teased as the waitress came over to take their order. They all told her what they wanted then settled back into conversation as they waited for their food to arrive.

"So what are you going to do with your two weeks off?" Mige asked curiously. "You can't be miserable and lock yourself away in a cabin somewhere this time because you'll have Bam with you."

"I think I'm actually going to spend time at home this time, go and see my parents, show Bam around and just relax. Does that sound ok sweetheart?" Ville asked, turning to Bam.

"That sounds great. I've never been to Finland before."

"It's nice in the summer, dark and depressing in the winter though."

"I'm glad it's August then." Bam grinned. "I don't like the cold."

Their food arrived and they all ate quickly, wanting to make sure they got to the airport with plenty of time, all anxious to get home and finally begin to relax. They hurried around making sure they had everything and that everyone was completely ready to go and within a few hours they found themselves boarding the plane that would take them home.

It was a horribly long flight, twelve and a half hours to be precise with a two hour layover. Bam didn't seem to mind as he loved flying but Ville hated it at the best of times and he was dreading it. Bam could sense his unease about the whole thing though and throughout the entire flight he kept him occupied by playing silly games with him and making him describe all the places they were going to go to in Helsinki. And when the turbulance hit and Ville got nervous, Bam just gripped his hand tight and whispered reassurances in his ear until it was over.

He must have fallen asleep at some point during the last stretch of the flight though because the next thing he became aware of was Bam shaking him gently. "Ville, we're here. The plane's now about to land so you've got to wake up."

"Mmm, ok I'm awake Bammie." Ville slowly opened his eyes and sat up in his seat, his neck cracking painfully from the angle he'd been sleeping at.

"Are you scared of the landing part?" Bam said quietly, shifting as close to Ville in his seat as he could.

"Not too much, it's the being in the air part that scares me. Why? Are you gonna look after me if I am?!"

"Yep. You looked after me loads so it's my turn to look after you."

Leaning over, Ville kissed him quickly. "Thank you kulta."

Ville was one of the first people off the plane once it had stopped, stretching out his long legs gratefully. "I hate how cramped those planes are, I'm practically folded in half." He complained jokingly as they made their way to baggage claim.

Ville's luggage was one of the first ones to appear on the conveyer belt much to his happiness and everyone else's annoyance and he grabbed it quickly before heading to the seats nearby with Seppo who's bag had followed close behind.

"Ville, I wanted to talk to you about something and I want you to hear me out ok because it's important."

"Ok, go ahead, what's wrong?"

"You and Bam seem to have gotten very close since you picked him up and I'm a bit worried about how your relationship is developing."

"It's developing fine thank you." Ville responded, getting annoyed as he realised what Seppo was trying to say.

"You have feelings for him. I saw you kiss him on the plane."

"I love him and I know he cares for me, so what's the big deal if I kiss him or not?"

"Most of your fans are female and have crushes on you. Don't you think that you'll lose some of your fanbase if you suddenly decide to have a relationship with another man? You ned to think of your career and either hide this thing you have with Bam very well or end it completely."

Ville stared at him in shock. He couldn't believe that the man he saw as a second father would say something so heartless to him.

"I think that if they're actual fans then they'll support me and the band no matter what so I'm not worried and I see no reason to hide my relationship with Bam and I don't see any reason to push it into the limelight either. I'm just going act the same way around Bam as I always do and if someone asks me, I won't deny it." He said coldly. And before Seppo could say anything else, Ville got up and headed back to where Bam had just got his luggage.

"Ok, ready to go sweetheart?" When Bam nodded, Ville turned and hugged the rest of the band quickly. "We're not going in the taxi's with you now because I'd called ahead and booked my own before I knew Seppo had, so I'll see you back here in two weeks."

"Ok, try to relax. Have a good time Bam, see you in a couple of weeks."

The rest of the band called their goodbyes as they walked out to the main part of the airport, ignoring Seppo as they passed. Once they got outside the airport, Ville pulled out his cellphone and called for taxi as Bam watched him, slightly bemused.

"I thought you'd already booked a taxi, that's what you told the others."

"Well I lied, Ok?" Ville snapped, then sighed as he realised that it wasn't fair to be taking his anger out on Bam.

"I'm sorry sweetheart, I just had an argument with Seppo and I really didn't want to be around him any more. I didn't mean to get angry with you."

"It's ok. Did you want to talk about it?"

"I'd rather not if you don't mind, I just want to forget about it and enjoy my holiday with you."

The taxi didn't take long to arrive and they soon pulled up outside Ville's house. As they got out of the car, Bam stared up at it in awe.

"You seriously live in a tower?"

"Yeah."

"That's so fucking cool."

Ville laughed as he saw the first glimpse of the young man Bam had been before his life got shattered, and he suddenly had the feeling that this holiday was going to be good for Bam as much as it was for himself.

"Yeah, it really is. Sorry about the mess when we go in, I'm not really one for cleaning."

"Don't worry, neither am I."

"What are you talking about, you've been almost obsessively neat since you started staying with us."

"Cos I didn't want to do anything wrong."

"So you tried to make sure everything you did was perfect so we wouldn't find a reson to make you leave." Ville concluded as Bam nodded. "You don't need to do that, you never did. Just be yourself."

"I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Ok, we're gonna go inside and I'm going to show you round then we're going to get a cup of tea and sit down so you can explain to me exactly why you being yourself is such a bad idea."

Without giving Bam a chance to argue, Ville practically dragged him through the door, giving him a guided tour round his tower and dropping their bags off in the bedroom as they passed. Finally they were curled up on the sofa, both cradling mugs of tea.

"So, why exactly can't you be yourself?"

"I used to be a bit of an ass." Bam admitted, sounding only slightly bad about it.

"Why, what did you do?"

"Nothing much, just the usual. Smashing up my uncle's car, setting off fireworks in my parents bedroom, filling Ape's car with snow, that kind of thing."

"That's usual?!" Ville asked incredulously.

"It was for my house. My friends and I were always pulling pranks on someone, usually my uncle Don Vito because his reactions are priceless." Bam grinned at the memory.

"Ape just used to bitch and Phil never really cared."

"Do you miss them?" Ville asked gently.

"A little. I'd probably miss them more if they hadn't said those things to me." Ville could see that Bam didn't really want to talk about it so he quickly changed the subject back to his personality.

"I still think you should be yourself, no playing pranks on me though if you don't mind."

"I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to upset you." Bam said honestly. "You've done so much to help me and I wouldn't repay you by playing pranks on you."

"You don't need to repay me in any way."

"Can we argue about that later?" Bam yawned. "I'm too tired right now."

"Come on then Kulta, let's go to bed."

******************************

Two days of sleping and trying to get his body to adjust to the time difference after so long without flying, Bam was ready to go out and see what Helsinki had to offer.

It didn't take him long to convince Ville to show him the sights and within half an hour they were in a taxi and heading for the city centre and as Bam watched Ville point out various things as they drove past them, he felt pure contenment and realised that he felt more like his old self than he had in years and it was all thanks to Ville.