Midnight Butterfly

Edited by Tech Department February 12, 2007 for database corruption related errors.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm sorry it took so long to upload this chapter but I have NO idea where I'm going with this fic. Any suggestions or ideas on what you'd like to see would be a great help!! Additionally I'm sorry this one is so short, but....I was frustrated. Thanks again to all my reviewers!

~Kaoru~

Kyo...It seems implausible sometimes that we even have this uncanny ability to keep up with him. Often I find myself wondering if this life is all just some strange dream, if maybe he controls it. Maybe he's a god. Maybe he's a devil. Or just maybe he doesn't even exist at all, because the way I see him is that he's all or nothing. Everything's about him, and at the same time he doesn't want anything to be about him. He's one of those dreams that you can't wake up from, even though you're desperate to open your eyes. Believe me, I've tried. But then I think, if I woke up and none of this was real...well, I don't think I'd want to live in that world is all I'm saying.

But then doesn't it seem odd that he's one of the signature figures of my world and yet I notice practically nothing when he does something. I forget he's like the rest of us, frail and human. He doesn't seem it, and being the only one of his kind I never think of it. He's Kyo. Kyos do strange things. And if you've never met him, never saw him, you'd think I was crazy for saying so. But he really is an enigma. Like watching surgery, it's so disturbing, so unfamiliar -- with insides exposed-- that you want to look away but at the same time you can't for the sheer fascination of it all. Yeah, he's like that.

But he does seem human now, looking at him, and I know why. Of course I don't say anything. The heels of his platforms rocking against the edge of the stage...you'd think that would catch my attention. Really it should, but I'm not myself up here.
Not on stage. Not the careful, worried caretaker of the band but the brooding, crowd pleasing, tongue wiggling mockery I've made of myself. I saw it all out of the corner of my eye: the chunky boots, the sharp edge of the floor, the look in his eye that could make glass shatter, but that was it. I blinked. Then he was gone. For a moment I scanned the stage, casually wondering if he'd gone away to some other corner to taunt the fans below, but I never saw him.

I looked over at Die and caught an expression I couldn't quite analyze. I knew something had happened and for some reason that fate would never divulge I never seemed to catch on when things took a bad turn. And then I remembered him being on the edge and a pang of fear struck me. Had he fallen? Had he slipped, lost his balance? The fans were excited, but some were still, concerned and I knew he had fallen then. Panic tore through me but my body was motionless, my hands still on the neck of my Ganesa, gripping so hard that the strings were digging into my skin. Die threw me a glance meant to say that I should walk up to the front and check on him without letting any of my initial fear show. Harder than it seemed, I'll tell you. But it was something I learned with great practice.

Swallowing back the sour taste in my throat I moved to the front, trying to keep my composure calm. The fans roared and I faltered at the edge struggling to see in the near darkness. You'd think the bastards in the little booth could have turned the houselights on! I'd definitely be onto them about that. And Kyo...what the hell was he thinking anyway? The faces of my band told me this had been another of his stunts. Too dark to see. And Toshiya was fighting the urge to jump off the stage and find him. I stood there like an idiot, a blind idiot, waiting for someone to give me a sign. An okay from security, a smile from a fan, anything so I could continue the show. Leave it to Kyo to pull some shit that could actually hurt him. He'd done this before, but we'd been in a club, close to the fans, he couldn't reach them here. He was too far away... That sour taste was rising...

"You're a lucky little shit, you know that!?"

Kyo rolled his eyes. It wasn't as if he didn't expect that exact same line to come flying from Kaoru's mouth every time he did something on a whim, he really did, but the more he said it the stupider it sounded. "Yeah, lucky there just -happened- to be a couple thousand people wandering aimlessly below the stage in a concert hall! How often does that happen! I mean talk about miracles!"

Kaoru groaned. Kyo was certainly improving on his sarcasm. "No, you're -lucky-..." Kaoru practically shouted. "...that you didn't crack your dysfunctional little skull open on the floor! But then you never thought about how any kind of impact could have left you as a little blood oozing puddle on the floor, now did you?"

Kyo was getting mad. "Lot's of people crowd-surf Kaoru! It's not exactly a revolutionary concept!" he yelled.

Kaoru faltered. "Not when there's like an eight-foot drop to concrete!"

"...look, if it's about the performance and the press then don..."

A loud banging sound cut him off and Kyo snapped his head to look. Bits of insulation and plaster were scattered around the edge of Kaoru's fist which had struck the wall enough to leave a gaping hole and his eyes narrowed dangerously at the small man. It wasn't like Kyo had never seen angry Kaoru but -this- angry wasn't exactly what he'd expected. It was just a performance stunt. Kaoru threw out one of his patented glares that seemed to have the effect he wanted on everyone BUT Kyo.

"This isn't about the press, or the fucking show!" He kicked a metal folding chair hard enough to send it spiraling across the room. "I'm sick of worrying about you! If it's not something offstage it's some stupid shit on stage. I don't know if it's been accidental or if you have some morbid fascination with it, but it's going to stop! I'm tired of being scared that you'll have another accident! It's like a fucking gamble with you! I am not going to let us be destroyed by some accident that could have been easily prevented had you not acted like a dumb little fuck!"

"Fuck you! Don't even try to pin this on me like I'm some god damned jinx!" Kyo shouted, frankly looking scarier than Kaoru ever had. "You know what I do on stage, you know I wouldn't try to off myself in the public eye, you think I'm that fucking stupid?! God you must think I'm an idiot! It's a fucking show Kaoru, the band..."

Kaoru was seething, mentally thinking of ways to beat the little man back into reality.

"Kyo, it's not about the band! Fuck the band! It's about us! It's about you and me..." he turned to the other members who sat stunned and motionless in one side of the room. "It's about Die and Toshiya, and Shinya. And I won't let us be destroyed by some stupid accident, whether it was intentional or not, I love you all too much!" Tears stung the rims of Kaoru's eyes as he breathed in deep to try and calm himself. "Is this all sinking in or is everything I've said leaking out of the many holes in your precious little head?"

Kyo opened his mouth to say something but words had left him long ago, he only sat staggered, fidgeting against the cold metal of his folding seat.

"Or maybe Totchi fucked what little sense you had out of you." he spat hatefully.
Toshiya's head shot up at the mention of his name and he watched as Kaoru stormed out of the room, slamming the door enough to crack the hinges on the way out. Kyo snorted hatefully, but he didn't look at anybody, he was too ashamed. A long stretch of silence passed before Kyo stood and kicked over his chair with all the drama of a six year old throwing a tantrum. "FUCK!"

"Kyo, calm down." Die's voice was still calm, but Kyo ignored it. He was furious. Furious that Kaoru had called him out over something as stupid as a playact routine. Even more furious that his dirty little jag with the bassist was now hanging in the air as open as a two dollar whore and he was thoroughly accusable for it. But that's not how he wanted to play this. He wanted no blame for it.

"Piss the fuck off, Okay, Die! I don't need shit about this from you too."

Die looked offended. "Oh hell no. Don't you dare play the defense card with me Kyo. I didn't say a damn thing. This is between you and Toshiya now, it's none of my business." Die stood, "Take care of this, the both of you. If you can't play nice with each other now, you shouldn't have played together in the first place. Come on Shinya, they need to work this out..."

Then there were two.

"Hope you enjoyed me at least Totchi. That much I'd be happy for..." It wasn't loud enough to be heard by anyone else but the two in the room, in fact it was barely said at all, but it was heard, processed and understood.

"It wasn't what you think." Toshiya stated, like it was all the conversation need consist of.

"No. It's what Kaoru thinks, isn't it?" A pause. "I shouldn't have let it happen. I just...it shouldn't have happened."

"Well it did." said Toshiya sullenly.

"Yeah? Why, Toshiya?"

"I...just....." he couldn't think of what he should say. How to tell him.

"WHY!? What the HELL was so important that we traded what we had for one sick fuck? Why'd it happen? Do you have an answer? Because I can't think straight. I haven't been able to since it happened."

Toshiya closed his eyes painfully, but he didn't say a word. "Please tell me there's a reason..." Kyo begged. "Please tell me we didn't just fuck ourselves over for nothing. Fucked Kaoru over..."

"He's hurt cause even though I love him..." started Toshiya.

"You fucked me Totchi! That's what he's mad about. You fucked me, I fucked you, we loved it and I'm a walking accident that's going to blow this band apart, THAT's what he's..."

"He's mad cause he's always played second to you!" Kyo was thrown off by Toshiya's outburst. "At least with me. He's mad cause I only love him..." he fought back the aching in his lungs. "...and worship you. But it had to happen Kyo, I had to sate myself with it, I couldn't breathe around you. It.. had to happen. It wasn't for nothing. I love you."

Kyo's mouth failed to respond. Somehow he couldn't think of any words to say. Ooh." he said, suddenly feeling less than intelligent.

"But I don't love him any less." the bassist added.

Kyo only nodded, feeling as if his brain had leaked out of his ear and sat in a gray puddle on the floor, looking at him, laughing at how he couldn't function without it.

"What did I do it for?" Kyo asked softly. "Do I love you?" he closed his eyes.

Toshiya looked away, anywhere but at Kyo. "You know I can't answer that."

"Did you hope I would?" Kyo asked. "Love you I mean."

"I think I did, but...I knew you wouldn't. Not how I needed you to."

"Aa."

"It's messed up isn't it?" Kyo started again. "Even that you love me like you do, like Die loves Shinya, you and Kaoru, that's messed up too. I was engaged once, you know." Toshiya looked up, startled. "I never told you? I was young, way before Dir en grey, before La:Sadies, in another band. I really never told you?"

Toshiya shook his head slowly. Kyo nodded. "I really really loved her, I was...was going to get a job, leave music behind me. Even had the marriage license...then one day, just like that, she was gone. She'd run away with one of my band mates...I don't trust women much, not after that. I'm afraid to feel like that again. Afraid I'll fall in love with someone who doesn't love me back. Even more afraid that they'll see me, you know, ME, the vomiting, poison spitting...whore that I am, the me that I am up there. " He nodded in the direction of the stage. "That's messed up too, isn't it?"

Toshiya nodded, not knowing what to say. "But I write good lyrics for it." he added to himself.

"What'll you write this time?" asked Toshiya. Kyo shrugged. "We'll see. I've an idea."

"So what was your reason?" Toshiya looked at him fondly, but waited patiently for an answer. "Why did you have me?"

Kyo snorted, albeit a little angrily. "Yeah, I think I might love you too..."

It was only a door that separated him from me. Only a cheap imitation wood, a few scratches on the surface and a fancy handle. That was it, but I didn't go to move it. I fucked up. My stupid spur of the moment emotions fucked everything up and now I was paying for it. Was I really going to do this? He says that he doesn't want an accident to destroy us, he said that right? But was what he was trying to say was that he doesn't want -me- to destroy us? My stupidity, my emotion, me? But he was mad, he wasn't talking either, he wasn't making any moves to fix it, wouldn't that destroy us?

I think I contested every possible reason not to go in, but in the end none of the reasons were worth it. Embarrassment, shame, remorse, fear...God that was selfish! With a heavy sigh I pushed open the door to the lounge. Kaoru was seated on the couch near a large and rather obnoxiously colored vending machine. He didn't look as mad as before, now he just kind of looked...sad. Before I knew it I was standing behind the couch looking pitiable. It was my only ace in the hole so I decided to play it.

"Will you let me apologize?" he didn't even look at me when I spoke.

"Are you asking my permission?" he paused. "You don't need it. Say whatever you want and go. I'm not in the mood for company." Smug ass bastard.

"I'm sorry." I said.

"Real Generic, Kyo." he said.

"Why was I like this with him? Toshiya I could fight, Toshiya I could fumble through a response, with Toshiya I was in charge whenever I wanted to be.... with Kaoru I felt as if I belonged to him, as if he had some right to tell me what to do and reprimand me when I didn't do it. As if he held some daunting power over me, and it was comfortable that way. I couldn't talk back to him no matter how hard I tried or wanted to. "Yeah," I responded stupidly. There's my brain, laughing at me again. I took a deep breath. "Look, I'm no good at this shit." Now he was looking at me. This was what he wanted, I could tell by the look he gave me. He wasn't interested in apologies, he wanted what he said to sink through, for me to let him know that I was listening, that I remembered what he was mad about.

"I screwed up. But at least I know that, at least I'm taking the blame for it right?"

"Just tell me what the hell were you thinking?" he said, angry.

"You won't wanna hear it." His voice did not return the calmness in mine when he said, "Christ! Just tell me."

"I don't know, Kaoru. Honestly I don't. And when I felt those hands at my back, supporting me, I was mad at...hell, I don't know. I kinda wanted to hit the floor. I was upset, okay. I can't explain it, it's stupid to make me try." I stared down at him as he sat motionless. I wondered if he was even listening.

"Look, Kao, I didn't mean to make you mad, I just...."

I kicked the side of the couch like a child. A spoiled little child that was angry at their parents, and it sickened me in a way that I couldn't describe. "So fucking confused!" My voice was raised higher than I would've liked. "Last night with Totchi...I know you don't wanna hear but..." I trailed off again. My mind just wasn't working fast enough for all this. "It was what I needed! Dammit! And then all the stuff before it and after it, today, it's just like my mind's not working at deciphering any of that shit!" Kaoru wasn't looking at me. He sat quietly nursing the overflow on the top of his coke can, looking smug as all hell.

"But," I was calmer now, a bit at least. "I'm not sorry for that, well, except that I'm sorry I hurt you for it. And please don't be mad at him, he..."

"It takes two Kyo." His voice was a bit calmer. "But I knew it would happen." He turned to face me, his eyes still never looking at mine. "When I came home last night, I knew what happened. I didn't even have to see you first. I knew you were why Toshiya needed that break in rehearsal, and you were the reason he stayed home, and most of all I knew exactly what would happen if he did, even if you didn't. And I let it go."

I sat down next to him and ran through his words. Does that mean it hurt him more? I hurt him more?

"Why'd you let it go?"

"Because it needed to happen. I knew that. He knew that and apparently somewhere in the back of your mind you knew it too. Cause he loves you. I guess I never thought about what would happen if you loved him back." He stopped shakily and breathed a sigh, running a hand through his deep purple hair. Was there anything I could say?

"I don't know what I feel for Totchi. I mean, yeah I love him, but I'm not sure if it's a purely romantic love or just something really deep. Cause I felt that too in the hospital, when you....when I was so clingy."

God! I hated that! It was like I was a child again. "And I don't know what it is Kaoru, I'm not going to pretend to know because I don't want to lie to you. But..." I didn't know how to go on. I found out something about myself that night. I really was that person, the one in my lyrics, the one whose mind was perverted with lewd thoughts and follies. The one who craved the feeling of being helpless to debauchery. Toshiya, even though he loved me, he knew that, treated me like a toy, and made me like a toy. I needed that, I loved it. I felt sick because of it.

"I think there's something wrong with me." I said softly. Kaoru gave me a funny look. "Kyo?"

I told him then, about me and Toshiya, how it started, how it ended, how it jumped from one low regression to another. How I needed it, craved it, the addiction it had become, the sexual person that I was, that I hid in all but my lyrics. I told him that I wanted to be in love, even though I was sick to my stomach for it, because it was them, because they were men, because that shouldn't have been for me. It shouldn't have, but it was. And after I told him this he smiled, the bastard smiled like he knew that part of me all along.

"Kyos are so strange." he said at last.

TBC