You Learn To Love the Pain You Feel

I began twirling my hair with my fingers. Since I got the results of the pregnancy test I just wasn't the same. As if I wasn't emotional enough, I get PMS twenty four, seven. Not my idea of a good time.

I was waiting with Billie for Eddy to arrive. My belly began somersaulting. I wasn't sure how my ex husband who had caused me so much pain and anguish was going to accept the act that I, Ms. anti-children, was pregnant. My mind didn't want to shut up even though I told it to repeatedly as an attempt to keep myself sane. I suppose you have to drive yourself crazy to be sane.


Then Eddy entered the restaurant. I know I must of made a face that revealed how I truly felt, confused, because before I even made a peep Billie said "That's him isn't it?"
"Yeah." I said in a cracked whisper.
"Do you still love him."
"Yeah, I believe when you truly love someone part of you always loves no matter what."
"I wish it were that simple."


Before I could even question Billie on his last comment Eddy arrived at our table. My mouth was dry and I couldn't speak a single word because I was far too lost in thought. The past is something that should be kept in the past but I definitely had a problem with that.


"What was it you wanted to tell me sweetheart?" Eddy asked. I bit my lip and looked at Billie. It's not like I had to look at him, I already knew what his face was going to look. "I-I-I'm not so sure you should be calling her that I mean, I now you were married but you're not now an-and-" Billie was stuttering horribly as if he was slightly afraid to stand up to Eddy.


"It's alright Billie! I understand." Eddy's brogue was beginning to wain and seemed to be so weak compared to what it used to be...when he was with me. Then I began raking my brain for reasons why his accent had weakened so much and then it hit me, he had a girlfriend...an American girlfriend that I assumed lived with him.

I smiled out of one corner of my mouth and said "Where'd you meet her?"
"Uh, who?"
"Her, your girlfriend. Where'd you meet the broad?"
"How did you know I had one?"
"Good guess?" I shrugged.
"We met at a party."
"Ah, well...congrats!"
"Thanks. Now, what did you want to tell me?"


I glanced over at Billie who was entranced by the straw wrapper as he rolled it into a ball and moistened it with the condensation from the glass of his drink. I sighed realizing I had to tell him myself.


"I'm pregnant." I said calmly. A little too calmly which made it obvious that I wasn't calm at all.
"I have to go."
"Wait, Eddy!"

I jumped up and chased after him. He was moving quickly and I was just as quickly running out of breath. "C'mon Eddy. Why are you so upset by this?"
"Because that's why I cheated!"
"Eh?" All the blood felt like it was rushing to my head. I was about to faint but I used all my will to fight it back.
"I wanted kids so I cheated to get them." Then the confusion and pain went away and left me with only anger.


"You told me you hated kids!"
"Yeah, cause you told me you hated kids and I wanted to be with you and I figured I could change your opinion but I couldn't"
"I don't believe you. You never once even hinted at wanting kids. Up until the very last day you would tell me how much you hated them. Don't even try to make up some excuse for your inexcusable actions. OK, Eddy? You fucked up don't try and deny it."


I stormed off and just collapsed as soon as I reached the table Billie was sitting at. He looked ill and like he had no idea what happened or what to do about it. "I'm so sorry." he mumbled. I just wrapped my arms around him and said "It's not your fault and I've actually become quite content with the idea of being a mum."
"Don't lie just to make me feel better please. You've been moping around for the past three months."
"Hey now, I'm pregnant of course I'm emotional!"
"Your supposed to be up and down emotions not just down."
"Well cheer up because if you're down too then how the hell are you going to pick me up?" I smiled. He just laughed one of those heh-heh laughs and looked up at me " Sometimes I wish I was a fish."
"What?"
"Goldfish have five second memories. I could just go from fighting you to just forgetting and trying to make love to you. That'd be cool."
"Where the hell did that come from??"
"No, no, no. Don't even try and make em feel random! I love you Shirley!!"
"Ha, be quiet people are looking at you like they think that you're the idiot that you are!"


~~Ten Commandments of Love(By Ms. Shirley Manson)
#8
Thou shalt honor my deep depressions, but don't dare have them yourself ~~

WOOSH!