Cross My Heart and Hope to Die

The city looked like something out of a Christmas movie as he slowly mad his way to the suburbs. His Yukon's tires crunched on the gravel as he entered his old homestead. The front porch light glowed on as if it were waiting for him to arrive. His older sister stepped out onto the porched wrapped in an afgan their mother had made. The site of her standing there seemed to spread comfort all over him. Immediatedly relaxed at the site of his "home" and family he took in a deep steadying breath. He got out and crunched over the frozen lawn. He felt like he was walking toward the light at the end of a dark suffocating cave. He knew this would work, he sighed to himself. At that moment three small blurs bolted out of the door and hit him with the force of a wrecking ball as they bowled him over onto the wet lawn. Histwo nephews and little niece were giggling and laughing histerically as they tried to tickle him.
"Ok, Ok, you win I give up" Jordan laughed his heart instantly lightening
"What are you three delinquents still doing up at this hour?" he asked the still giggling kids as he raised to a sitting position.
"We heard you pull up" Tara his tiny niece said with sleep still in her eyes.
Jordan gathered her up in his arms as he got to his feet. Matt and John immediately began throwing mud covered ice chips at his back.
"hey guys, cut that out or you'll be so sorry," Jordan yelled and was shocked at the almost jolliness in his voice.
"Boys! Stop that right now and get your butts in here!" Rachel screamed at them while stomping her feet.
"Your pajamas are soaked!" she glared as they appeared shamefully in the doorway.
"Sorry!" they said in unison with their heads down and Jordan was reminded of Jon and him when they were young.
Jordan shifted his niece to his other arm as he hugged and kissed his domineering sister.
"so to what do we owe this pleasant surprise" she said sarcastically as she ushered the now sniggering boys to the stairs.
"Can't a guy visit his family?" Jordan asked incredously.
"Not you and not on a terrible night like tonight" she glared back at him "so whats up?"
"Nothing" he said shrugging his shoulders. His now sleeping niece seemed to kick off body heat as she snuggled agaist his neck.
"Let me have her," Kary his other sister said as she appeared in the hall "her PJ's are all wet."
"No, she's fine, I will take her up in a minute, " Jordan said not wanting to let go of the comforting warmth.
"Did I hear Jordan drive up," his mother called from the kitchen.
"Yeah mom it's me," Jordan said as he walked into the homey kitchen and smelled his absolute favorite smell in the entire world.
His eyes rolled back into his head and he moaned "God Mom is that Lasagna?"
"Yes it is dear," she said kissing his cold cheek "do you want some? I was just heating your brother up a piece."
"My brother?" confused Jordan looked over into the breakfast room.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" he asked his smiling brother.
"Language!" his mother said behind him.
"Sorry, ma" he apologized kissing her check "I would absolutely die for some of your left overs"
"Dieing isn't necessary sweetheart, just remember your manners" she replied "If you are going to speak like that, then give me my innocent child," Kary said as she swooped in and scooped Tara off his shoulder
"Sorry about that, not really used to kids" Jordan said apologetically already missing her body heat.
"Well," She said with her free hand on her hip "if you brought your sorry ass over here more often you would be.
"Language" her mother called again
"Hee, hee" Jordan sniggered at her
He dodged her swipping smack and ducked back into the breakfast room where his brother was sipping coffee and laughing at them.
"twice in one day, we are working on a record" Jonathan said sarcastically between sips.
"Good to see you too bro," Jordan replied with mocked hurt.
"Sorry," Jonathan half heartedly apologized "I just didn't expect you untill tomorrow. So how did your spring cleaning adventure come out?" he finished with a shrug.
"Very funny," Jordan smirked shrugging out of his dirty leather jacket.
His mother appeared almost magically and held out her hand. "Here honey I'll take it"
"Mom..." Jordan began to protest
"Hush" she patted his arm "Its not often that I have my house this full and I plan to make everyone comfortable.
Jordan pulled out a chair and sat down beside Jonathan.
"So whats up with you," Jonathan said, "why did you come here tonight?"
"Jesus Christ, can't a guy just want to see his family" he said trying to sound offended.
"no, not you" Jonathan said picking up his coffee again.
"well.." Jordan gave up the chraid, "the weirdest thing happened tonight, I went over to see Donnie and...he trailed off as Kary came in with the food.
Rachel entered after her, "Those boys," she said as she huffed down into a chair, "they are going to kill me yet."
Jonathan and Jordan exchanged amuse glances, they had heard their mother utter the same words about them long ago.
The smell of his mothers food was intoxicating. Jordan put the first warm goey bite into his mouth and moaned in exstacy.
"OHHH god! this is beyond good," Jordan said while adding another bit to his mouth His mother lightly patted his head.
"Glad you still enjoy it," she said rubbing his damp hair briskly, "are you staying here tonight?"
"well," Jordan said through a mouth full of food "I guess so, its rather nasty out and I am just coming back for lunch tomorrow, so Ok I will bunk here." he finished and swallowed his bite of food "that is if there is room" he looked up questioningly at this mother
"Are you kidding," his mom grinned "with this palace you boys bought me, I could house five whole families"
Jonathan laughed "ok so we did go a little over board but the old house was so small."
"yeah," Kary chimmed in "we all had to share rooms"
"which sucked big time" Rachel agreed
"I know, trying to use the bathroom in that place was absolute murder," Jordan said laughingly scooping up another bite
"Thats because there was only one in the whole house," kary said with a flourish of her arms
There mother laughed.
"Yeah, but it was in the city" Jonathan added longingly "right in the middle of everything"
"I know, all of our friends and school just blocks away," Kary said thinking back to all the fun that they had as kids
"friends yeah," Jordan said morbidly "we had a lot of friends"
"well not everyone came home beat up like you always did" Rachel said laughingly hoping they weren't going to get on that subject
They continued reminishing for what felt like hours until Rachel got up to excuse herself.
"Well..its been a blast but I have two boys who are very frighteningly like their beloved uncles and won't let me sleep past 7:00am" She kissed them each on the top of the head and walked out.
Kary got up to follow "tara will be up at the crack of dawn too," she sighed as she went out.
Jordan pushed back from the table, his stomach pleasantly full.
"So you packing it in too," he said looking at his brother.
"Nope," Jonathan said with a concerned face as he rose "I've got work stuff I have to look over"
"hey," he called as Jordan walked out "what were you saying earlier about Donnie?"
"Oh!" with all the cheerful talk about the past Jordan had come close to forgetting his problems "yeah he was acting really weird tonight"
"How so?" Jonathan inquired
"well" Jordan began, "I went by his place before I came here to see if he was up for dinner or something"
"and..." Jonathan said cocking an eyebrow
"Hold your horses, I am getting there" Jordan said impatiently "He wouldn't even let me in the door"
"What" Jonathan quickly interjected
"Yeah, he wouldn't let me in, he just opened the door a crack and told me to go away"
"Why?" Jonathan asked
"Fuck if I know" Jordan shrugged
"Language!" they heard their mother call from upstairs
"Sorry ma!" Jordan called back, damn she had ears like radar
Jonathan laughed inspite of his concern
"He told me he didn't feel good and he would be by tomorrow" Jordan finished lowering his voice
"Well atleast he hasn't completely lost his mind," Jonathan said
"I know, maybe he had some chick over or something" Jordan thought out loud
"Donnie got a woman?" Jonathan said cocking his eyebrows curiously again
"Not one that I know of and we hang out pretty regularly, when would he see her?" Jordan answered with a shrug
"well" Jonathan began "both of you are pretty good at ignoring those people who you claim to be involved with"
"wow, thats a low blow from a brother," Jordan said with a twinge of guilt
"Ok, Ok, I wasn't playing far, I know, but if he does have a lady you need to respect that" Jonathan said with a smile
"I do" Jordan begain defensively "I'm not his jealous mistress or anything" he finished with a grimance
"I know you are not the jealous type" Jonathan said with a reassuring smile
Jordan chuckled inspite of himself
"Oh I forgot to tell you mom finished the basement" Jonathan said nudging his brother
"what?" Jordan asked a little confused
"The basement, you know.." Jonathan rolled his eyes "mom's shrine"
"Oh right," Jordan said embarrassed "why did she have to do that?"
"memories my child"
Jordan jumped and turned around, shocked to see his mother at the base of the stairs just behind them.
"would you like to see it?" she asked looking around at them both
"sure" Jordan said with an easy smile.
He reached up to pinch her check "of course I would love to see your living scrapbook" he finished jiggling the
skin he had pinched.
She slapped his hand away, "You laugh now you two," she looked menicingly over at Jonathan "but when you have kids
you will be thankful that someone did this"
"Hey, I didn't poke fun, how did I get dragged into this" Jonathan asked with a shocked look on his face
"Guilty by association bro," Jordan said slapping him on the back of the head as they walked down the steps to the basement behind their mother.
"Glad to know somethings never change" Jonathan mumbled as he rubbed his head.
As Jordan imerged into the full basement he took a step back and gasped.
"Oh my god, mom. How did you? what did, I mean man..." Jordan stammarded
Jonathan and his mom exchanged grins
The first thing that caught his eye was the five floor to ceiling glass cases that were evenly spaced through the middle of the room. He walked to the center one and couldn't find the words.
"How did you do this?" he said in a whisper
She walked over, grabbed his hand and squezzed.
"I have collected stuff all along. A little here, a little there and I called in a few favors" she said grinning
It made it all real to him again, even more that his cleaning job from this morning. This brought it all home again. In his case, and that's what they were really, cases that belonged to each guy, was his first keyboard, and his mic stand from their first tour. One of his first posters hung in the middle and was surrounded buy his glitter jacket, his leather jacked from a long ago soda ad, his batman tee shirt he used to never be with out and his trade mark hat. They were all stragically placed so that you could see them no matter where you stood around the case. It reminded him eirely of a museum display. He looked around the room again. His mom stood back grinning like she had just won the lottery.
"like it?" she asked timidly.
"Like it, its amazing," Jordan said breathlessly.
He walked over to Jonathan who was infront of his case.
"Yeah, amazing" Jonathan said under his breath.
Almost out of the corner of his eye he noticed the floor. He just happened to see it because it was white. Odd he thought why white? When he looked at it properly the knot in his throat that he had tried to stiffle rose again. The tears that he had been struggling with slid silently down his cheeks. His brother gripped his shoulder as his own tears littered his cheeks.
His mother joined them emensly pleased with herself.
"so I guess you like it" she said to herself.
"Mom, how did you...."Jordan started not really believing his eyes
"better yet, where did you get it?" Jonathan interjected
"well..." his mother started "I got it at the end of the tour and saved it in a storage unit untill I could have it put in.
Jordan walked across the floor, the floor he was amazed, was actually the stage they used in their first US and world tour.
"its not the whole thing," she continued, "just the important part," she finished following him across the room.
He went over to the base of the stairs and turn around to look at it. Their name was written in the big black block letters with that lopsided O right where it always was. There were scuff marks from their shoes made from dance routines, scratches where their mic stands had stood, and deep marks from all the equipment that had been moved around on it so many times. He stood looking at the name he had tried so hard for the past five years to live down. At that moment a pride filled him to the point of bursting. He look around at all the posters, awards and fan mail that was plastered on all of the walls. This was who he was and who he had always wanted to be and at that moment finally something that had always escaped him his entire life broke through, contientment.
He was proud of who he was, what he used to be and who he could be again if he would only reach out and grab it.
His mother reached up and quietly touched his shoulder. "Come over here, i would like to show you something," she said gently
On their right was a wall of pictures. It was filled with all of the first shots of their careers, they were so young.
There were shots of them practicing in their old basement, ones of their first performances and then....the picture in the middle
caught his eye. It was a shot taken in front of his childhood home just before they had signed their first big deal. There was a large group of people on the steps. It was him, Donnie, Jonathan, the rest of his and Donnie's family and two
beautiful girls. He looked closer at the picture, it was Melinda and her sister. He felt his heart skip and he tried to play off his
intense curiosity.
"Man," He laughed, "how old is this" he asked tapping the picture.
"Oh that," his mom said with a sly smile, "that is the one just taken before you guys signed with Columbia"
She looked closer at the picture. "Do you remember Melinda and her sister?"
"Yeah," Jordan said with a dopey grin on his face.
His mother raised an eyebrow and he quickly wiped the smile off his face.
"Of course I do, we used to torment her when we were young, didn't we?" he said nudging Jonathan.
"Leave me out of this," Jonathan said backing up with his hands raised.
"Yeah," His mother said with that sly grin again "she was so sweet on you."
"What?" Jordan chuckled "Your nuts woman"
"No I'm not" she said crossing her arms in defense and temper "That girl was here everyday wanting to hear news about you, not the group, like everyone else, just you" She finished poking a finger in his direction.
"And you were dumb enough to forget about her," She said fiercely actually poking him in the chest this time.
She looked back at the picture and sighed "She was a lovely girl and turned into an even lovelyer woman.
"What?" Jordan said, his curiosity getting the better of him "How do you know that?"
"That is because she sends me a card every year at Christmas and my birthday. Last year she enclosed a picture of her family."
"What?" Jordan said shocked "Family? What family? Her family?"
"Yes, why are you so interested" She said cooly as she turned to look around the rest of the room.
"No real reason," he said shrugging.
They walked around the room together. She had it set up so that if you started on the right at the stairs you could literally walk
around a chronological track of their entire career. When they reached the stairs again Jordan and Jonathan both hugged her tight.
They really couldn't find the words that would express their feelings. She rubbed a hand down each of their cheeks.
"I love you both so much and I am so proud fo the men you have become" she said simply then she turned and went back up the stairs and went to bed.
With out knowing what to say, they both shrugged at each other. Jordan looked back one more time as he turned off the lights.
With a great sigh, he followed his brother up the stairs to do the same.