Dead Like Me

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If you believe something, is it really a lie?

I mean, can you actually convince yourself of something so completely that you leave no room for doubt, even if the validity of it isn't certain?

I guess I did. Why else would I be here, seven years later, still clinging to the undying hope that somewhere in his almost non-existant heart, Gerard Way has feelings for little old Frankie Iero? I say almost non-existant because I know he has one. I know for a fact that he has one. It's just not very big, and it's mostly filled with concern for his own well-being. But that's just Gerard. Take it or leave it.

I should have figured it out that night. I was so totally and utterly devastated by the scene that I stumbled upon that I should have just turned around, walked out of the room, and gotten over it. It's all fine and dandy to tell yourself that you should do something, but wanting to do it is another story. I wasn't ready to give up on Gerard yet. Did I mention I've been in love with him for seven years?

He wasn't always that way you know. I said he had a heart, and he did. I mean, he could be a jerk; an asshole; a regular old cold hearted bastard. But somewhere underneath that tattered and torn black leather jacket, there was some inkling of feeling. He knew what he was doing at all times. And sometimes he felt bad.

Those were the times I had to love him. Those were the times that I was compelled by some force other than myself to forgive his stupidity, and open myself up once again for the unbearable pain my secret would continue to cause me.

If he had only just told me to fuck off.

I don't think I would have listened anyway. I kept coming back for more, regardless. I couldn't stay away. He had this overpowering magnestism, and when it was good, it was so good. He would go through spells, like when he hadn't been drinking as much, or using anything, and he would be the friend of the year. Like he was trying to make up for all the times he treated me like shit. Weird how I know that, but I still can't believe that he meant to treat me poorly.

It's funny when you realize that the person who you think cares about you most in the entire world really doesn't care about you as much as you think. That's what I mean. I have gotten myself in so deep in this situation, I just don't remember a time before him. He is everything.

Is this bad? Probably. Is this wrong? Probably. And probably on more than one level. I don't know why I do it. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment or something.

I know I'm making excuses, but I really felt like things had gotten better. Ever since that night I walked in on him and that guy, he'd changed. I think he finally saw how much he was affecting me. He stopped screwing around with guy after guy. He was so drunk at that party, he realized that the alcohol may have lead him to make some bad decisions.

Hmm. Go figure, Gerard.

So he eased up on the sauce a bit. He said he felt awful about doing that in my room, and ruining my birthday like that. I believed him. I wanted to believe him. Same thing really, I guess, right?

He was a model friend. For a while. He would hang out with me all the time, take me out for dinner, to movies, all in an attempt to clear his conscience of the guilt he felt. He didn't like feeling bad. I think it may have been almost a foreign concept to him.

But I guess a leopard never changes it's spots. And like any fairytale, my happiness at having my best friend/love of my life to myself was short lived. He just couldn't keep away from the booze. It was his lifeline, his self-confidence in a bottle. He needed it to keep himself up off the bottom. I didn't want him to feel depressed, so I overlooked his drinking habits. Not that he would have stopped for me anyway.

But after the booze, the boys came back. Slowly at first, but none the less, they came back. And I was forced to stand back and watch as, once again, Gerard boarded the excess express. I'd just do what I did every time-- wait until he crashed, and help pull him from the wreckedge.
I can't help myself, you know. Remember how I told you that it was like the world revolved around him? Well, it still does. And that's not even the bad part.

Sure, I'm as stupid as they come for clinging to the hope that Gerard will pick me one day. I know that. But it's not only affecting me anymore.

Remember Mikey? Gerard's constant shadow. The shy, sweet, quiet boy that would tag along with us at the clubs, clinging to the back of my shirt? The boy who I swear was the exact opposite of Gerard in every good way? Well, now it's his problem too.

It's bad enough that Gerard is his brother, but I'm one of his best friends, one of his only friends. Mikey and I have grown close in the last few years, especially since that fateful birthday incident. Mikey is the only one who knows my secret. I had to tell someone, it was eating me alive. So Mikey seemed a good candidate. He won't ever tell Gerard, that much I know. And he's a great friend. You'd think it would make me appreciate him more, in contrast to Gerard. Mikey is wonderful. But he's not Gerard.

I know that I'm not being as good a friend as I should be, as good a friend as I could be if Gerard weren't clouding my field of vision. I just don't know how to stop it, you know? I don't have the resources to pull myself out of the self-destructive situation. And maybe part of me doesn't want to leave it. I suffer because I can. I'm good at it. As stupid as that sounds, most of the time I feel like it's the only thing I'm good at these days. Because maybe if I was better-- at anything, or even a better person-- it would be me Gerard picked, and me alone. I just want to be enough for him.

It's a lose-lose situation, really.

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Okay, so what do you think? I'm not sure if I like this chapter or not....so please tell me if I should scrap it and come up with something different, or if I should keep it. I know where I'm headed with this, but I don't know if I like the way this chapter flows.......well, you be the judge! If you like it, or don't like it and want to see something else, please tell me! And I'm always open for suggestions, or plot ideas, so tell me what you guys want to see! This is all for you anyway!