The Secret

1992 Continued:

Alan pushed open the door of his flat and dragged Ellie’s case inside, leaving it in the large hallway. They stood in the darkness while he fumbled for the light switch.

‘Don’t mind all the boxes, I’ve only just moved in…’ He looked around and smiled at Ellie. ‘Quick tour, then food, yes?’

‘Yes, great.’ Ellie smiled and nodded.

Alan showed her around the flat. There was a very large lounge with one sofa in front of a large Georgian fireplace. There were rugs covering bare floorboards but most of the room was stacked with boxes. Ellie was stunned to see so many.

‘Do you live here on your own?’ She asked as he showed her the bathroom, then the small galley kitchen.

He paused and looked at her. ‘At the moment, I do. I’m hoping that might change sometime but at the minute, it’s just me.’ He smiled ruefully.

‘I wondered why you had so much stuff.’ Ellie nodded in understanding.

He smiled at her. ‘It’s not all mine.’ He looked at her gently ‘Is it OK?’

Ellie smiled back and sighed, taking a deep breath, said quietly ‘I’m married, Alan.’

The smile fell from his face. ‘Ah right…’ He turned away from her and went to show her the spare room.

There was a single bed in the room but that was all. It was unmade, the mattress was bare and there was no pillow. ‘I can find bed stuff later… ‘ He said as he closed the door. He couldn’t deny he was feeling disappointed but so far this was the pattern for his week.

As he turned to walk back through the flat, he bumped straight into Ellie, who had been watching him since she had last spoken. She fell back slightly and he grabbed her, pulling her forwards.

‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise you were there!’ He laughed, looking down at her slightly. They were so close they were almost touching and Ellie caught her breath as she gazed into his eyes.

‘Will you kiss me?’ She asked, her heart beating a little faster.

He looked at her, confused. ‘You’re married.’ He said simply and stepped past her into the flat, running his hands through his hair. This didn’t sit well with him; he should have got her a B & B.

Ellie was a little annoyed and followed him, putting her hands on her hips.

‘Hang on a moment. Didn’t you just tell me that not all of this crap is yours and that hopefully you won’t be living here on your own for much longer? Isn’t that much the same as being married? What gives you the moral high ground? It’s because you’re an actor again, so it’s OK for you but not for me?’

He turned and looked at her. He couldn’t deny that she was right, in a way.

‘This is a pointless conversation. Let’s just forget everything, go and eat, come back and then tomorrow you can go home to your husband and pretend this…this complicated, stupid situation…. didn’t happen!’ He was being serious again.

‘No way. You don’t get out of it that easily.’ Ellie walked towards him. She couldn’t understand why she felt she had to pick at him and didn’t just let it go. It was as if she was having the argument with Pete they never had and she had plenty to get off her chest.

Alan looked at her, her red hair was all over the place and she had a pink flush in her cheeks, part gin, and part anger. If he hadn’t been so angry himself he would have laughed.

‘Ok, if you won’t talk, I will. You are a total stranger to me and believe me, you are strange. I don’t know why I am telling you this; I don’t know why I even want to! I am having a shit day because this morning I left my husband for a week. Things are really bad, we have a young daughter, he doesn’t want to sleep with me, he doesn’t talk to me and he wont let me hold him. It’s been tearing me up inside and there is nothing I can do to make it better. I don’t even know if I am going home yet.’

Ellie stopped talking and felt hot wet tears start to fall down her cheeks. It was as if saying it made it real. No one else knew what was happening between her and Pete; she hadn’t even had the chance to tell Poppy. And here she was telling someone she had only met 3 hours ago.

Alan looked at her and didn’t know what to do.

‘Ellie, what do you want me to do?’ He asked her. He was hopeless in situations like this.

She dried her eyes. ‘It’s your turn. I told you about Pete, now it’s your turn.’

He looked awkward, not knowing where to start. He took a deep breath.

‘Her name is Rima. We have been together for a long time, 27 years actually. But at the moment, we’re not together. She is in politics and has to stay in her area…it’s complicated and boring and I’m pissed off about it, to tell you the truth. That’s why we’re not together. I gave her an ultimatum and she, em…called my bluff. So I am here, she is there and we have agreed not to see each other or speak for a month. I’m hoping it won’t be permanent, but at the moment, I’m not sure…’ he rubbed his hand across his face. He had shared something he thought no one would ever know. All of their friends thought they were still together. It was simpler to say nothing so he was avoiding everyone.

Ellie looked at him defiantly, her face still wet with tears. ‘I guess then, we are pretty much in the same boat.’

Alan stepped towards her and tentatively, gently, put his arms around her and pulled her close to him. Ellie sobbed. It had been so long since she had been hugged and she hugged him back for a long time.

They pulled apart and Alan brushed away Ellie’s tears with his fingers.

‘Ellie, forgive me. I shouldn’t be judging you. You are your own person, it’s not for me to say what you do or don’t do. And as you rightly put it, we are in the same boat. I’m sorry’ He smiled at her.

Ellie smiled at him. He was so nice; she couldn’t stay mad at him.

‘You’re forgiven!’ She grinned. ‘Now can we go and eat? And get drunk?’

Alan laughed at her. ‘Yes, lets do that.’