Turn the Lights Out When You Leave

I found myself jerking awake from my position on the couch. I checked where I was. Alan's. Check. Then I looked to where I was laying, across from a fireplace- in the dark. Lying ontop of Alan who was contentedly stroking his fingers through my hair and humming hazily to himself. I couldn't even name the tune and I already knew how wasted he was. I raised my head slowly from his chest and coughed into my hand.

The nightmare, may've been over. But for me it seemed to never leave.

"Alan?" I asked, he looked at me through heavy-lids like he was dreaming while he was awake.

"Yes, Laney-lay?" Came the reply. I had to admit, I loved hearing that nickname. But I had a question burning in my mind that needed to escape my mouth or it would turn on me inside my throat and poison me. I took a deep breath. I had to tell him about the dream. Better now then when he was sober, I rationed.

"Do you-" I cleared my throat again. "Do you...what I mean to ask is. Ah, shit." The words came flowing out my mouth with no rationality or thought actually put into it. I still felt extremely buzzed. I don't recall ever drinking that much liquor in my life, but I knew I would certainly suffer for it when I woke up. I got up quickly and turned towards the hearth. I looked into the flames and tried to catch my words there, I stood with one hand on my hip and the other over my mouth - trying to subconciously tell my mouth to shut the hell up. I pulled a one-eighty and turned back towards him. I couldn't believe it.

There he sat looking at me like the calmest, serenist person in the world. Just peace incarnate. My hand went from my mouth to brushing through my hair and holding onto the opposite shoulder. I was fidgetting. No man ever made me- destroyer of men, ice queen of emotions- fidget. I didn't know what to say. These feelings scared me.
But all the while, while I was panicking inside, Alan laid there- hands crossed behind his head and magnificent crown of grey and blonde hair, feet crossed at the ankles as though we had just made love and even though he was barely conscious, he oozed sensuality. Then something came to me: Honesty.

"Alan," I gulped and prayed for him not to ask me to leave after this. "My whole life, I have been a failure with men." He opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off. Trying not to think of how cute he was, and what a great listener. Two rarities. "Please don't say anything yet. They always left me. Always. I'm not going to go into great detail, but suffice it to say you are probably the longest relationship I've had with anybody - believe it or not- and it's scary because the situation with Rima coming back, I just don't know how to have this happen..." I trailed my thoughts off, then came back to making my point.

"I have been called many things in my life ranging all over the spectrum. One of the most hurtful was the label of 'The Ice Queen'. My last boyfriend lasted all of six months and by the second month, I already wanted out of it. I grew distant and lost any butterflies or attraction I had to him. I just couldn't feel anything anymore." My word and thoughts swirled together. I knew I was rambling but cut myself short. He sat up slowly and I took the seat next to him. And put my hand over my heart, and looked him in the eye.

"I'm telling you all of this because in the few days I've known you- I've felt more for you than any man I've met in my life. I just had a dream about you just now and it scared me. I'm not big on dream interpretation, but this one was not good anyway you cut it. I'm scared because of what it could mean. I'm scared because you're attatched already. And I'm terrified because I'm afraid these feelings for you might fade in a month or two and you or I will feel trapped. "

I sighed and he took my hand from my chest and clenched it in both of his.

"I'd rather be alone than unhappy." I admitted. I waited for a moment of anything to come as a response to me. Just longing for an "I-Understand" Or "I-Know-What-You-Mean" speech. A poem, anything to kill this silence. He brought my hand in both of his, to his lips and kissed it, but wouldn't let go.

"I'm scared, too." He admitted. "Frankly, I'm too old for all of this." I wanted to reassure him that age meant nothing to me, but he shushed me with a quick comment. "And you keep your young motto's to yourself for a moment. I'm tired of being alone most of the days. I'm tired of being with someone I used to love but can't trust anymore. They have to go hand-in-hand for me or neither can exist. I like you because you don't keep your mind on lockdown. I like you because you're a breath of fresh air in ancient lungs." He finally let go of my hand and strolled slowly to the fireplace, turning his back on me. "You remind me there's beauty in a world growing so ugly."

"But I'm horrified beyond all words at the thought of being all alone in my 'golden years'." He rested both of his hands on the mantle. I couldn't see his face, but I saw his shoulders hunch forward like he was crying. I knew he was looking at a picture of Rima. He sobbed once and finished his words. "It's one of the worst feelings in the world, you know?" I stood up and walked closer to him.

"What is?" I asked, I loved the honesty in between us at that precise moment.

"To doubt something you once thought was unquestionable." He turned towards me and a tear fell automatically from his eyes, making them appear to be bluer than they were. I closed the space between us and cupped his chin in my hands and kissed him like I never kissed anyone before. I swiped my thumb upwards and wiped off the stray tear. We both went to the table and picked up our unfinished glasses of whiskey. Then went to the upstairs bedroom, where I left in such haste and anger merely days ago.


"Alan, I think it's okay if you finish your toast, now." I said raising mine, chest-level.

"Now Laney-lay, I'm not that foolish. You said you'd rip my heart out." I shook my head no and he eyed me wearily, but raised his glass nonetheless.

"Days of absence, sad and dreary, Clothed in sorrow's dark array, Days of absence, I am weary; She, I love, has gone away." We clanked glasses, drained them, then fell into bed fully clothed. But never stopped holding onto each other for a moment.