So... You Want To Be Gay?

It's not a fic really... I mean, yeah, it is a fic but... um... not really ^^;;;
The deal is like that- Kirke felt depressed, with all that stuff about Dan not seeing Daz for months and dating *a woman*, ppl leaving etc. so I started to write something to cheer myself up. I've been sending parts to Madame D, Shaza and Jools and You know what D. said? Post it. Of course she says it about all my writting *suspicious look* What is The Plan this time Evil Liking One?
So, ok, here it is, knock yourself out people and SMILE DAMN IT! SMILE!!!
Ratings: Not really... I don't know... R for Suggestions and Things Implied? P for Possibly Funny? Well, it has JONES in it so maybe make it R.
Disclamers: I so wish it was true... it is... really! Who wants to go over Fluffy and convince me that it's not? To make it clear: NOT MINE!! I'm not making a penny out of it.
Feedback: kirkenovak@wp.pl
Summary: Like I said it has Jones :)


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So... You Want To Be Gay?


by Kirke
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PART 1

23.46: Lee's Brisbane apartament

*loud banging at the door*

*door opening slowly*

Dan: *fascinated with the floor pattern* Hi... *shyly* Is Ben in?

Lee: *smirks* No, thanks to You...

Dan: *thinks for a moment* CLICK! *gets it* @__@;;;;;; Ohhhhh.. oh, sorry...I'm so sorry Lee *desperate* I need to see him. It's urgent! please*'I'm a little poor deer that is going to be hit by a truck any time soon' eyes*

Lee: *is silent for few seconds, watching Daniel with a strange glare in his eyes* Fine, ok, I'll untie him, wait in the living room *turns aroung lazyly and heads for the bedroom, letting the paddle hit his tight ass rhythmically...*

Dan :/Ooo... what a nice... wa-aa-ait... what 'paddle'? @_@ IIIIIIK.../ *gets in, sits on the couch, still depressed*

Ben: *storms out of the bedroom, wearing only his boxers* *spots Daniel* WHAT!!!!???? WHAT do You want?

Dan: *is a little fragile maid* I'm so sorry... *teary eyes* I had no one to turn to *bows his head* sorry...

Ben: *sighs* What's wrong *NOW*, Daniel? Kathleen threw You out again? Found another SG slash page?

Dan: *sniffs* *very, very sily* ly* I can't take it any more... all that crap... it's too much for me... *sniffs*

Ben: *throwing Lee a desperate look*

Lee: *licks his lip 'innocently'*

Ben: *gulps* What 'crap'? Pleasepleaseplease tell me.

Dan: *lifts his head slowly and throws Ben another deer-like look* *tries to look as delicate as HE can*

Ben: *impatiently* Look, *mutters something about a REALLY REALLY BAD timing* *glares at the paddle* *quick, longing sigh* just say it...

Dan: Ok... here it goes... *few calming breaths* look... I think... no, I KNOW, I'm... I'm... *dramatic pause that would be appreciated if not the fact that Lee started to throw Ben 'come and get me You big bad volf...You really big and really really naughty big volf' look* ...gay. *another pause that lasts just a few seconds but You have a feeling that a few civilizations rose and fell by that time*

Ben: *blinks* You're what?

Dan: *looking completely dejected, lost and FINALLY completly gay* g...

Ben: SHUT UP! *does that thing known from manga when character that is pissed off suddenly grows head large as a watermelon that won few international fruit awards, is salivating, has sharp teeth, eyes becomes completly white and You can see those strange swirly thing all around him, while character no.2 suddenly reminds of a bug (very little and very scared bug) and tries to hide under the carpet... and fails* YOU STUPID STUPID... *JONES* YOU!! THAT'S *IT*?! YOU COME HERE AT THIS TIME TO INFORM ME THAT YOU ARE BLOODY GAY?! SO WHAT?! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT YOU IDIOT!! IT'S ON EVERY GAY PAGE!!!! AND YOU DARE TO COME HERE AND STOP ME FROM DOING... WHAT I WAS DOING? WELL, GUESS WHAT! WE DON'T OWN A HORSE (Lee: not a real one at least *evil smirks*)

Dan: *lying flatly on the floor, pale, looking like he just got few heart attacks and a stroke* eee... eee... eee...

Ben: *breathing hardly, drool dripping from his mouth, looking like a tasmanian devil (hehe) ready to rip someone into little pieces* WRRRRRR!

Dan: *crawling towards the door* I'm sorry! Spare me! *cries* so sooooryyyyy...

Ben: *alpha male mode* GROOOOOOOOOOOOWL!!!! *stalks towards Dan* MEEEEEAAAAT!!

Lee: *smiling* Oh, puppy?

Ben: *turns around* *house kitty mode* Yes, sweets? Love of my life? What is it my one and only?

Lee: You look really sexy like that...

Ben: *proud smile*

Lee: ...but I think You shouldn't be so harsh to Dan... It's all new to him *bats his eyelashes*

Ben: Of... of course baby! I was about to offer him a cup of tea... really! *turns toward Dan* *so sweetly it can make your teeth hurt* Would You like to sit down Danny? ^_________^

Dan: *from the carpet* e... e.... e... e... @_@

Lee: I'll make some tea then. *as he walks past Ben he fingers Ben's chest* I'll be right back, sugar, don't go anywhere...

Ben: *droooooooools* *watches as Lee disappears into the kitchen* *turns toward Daniel and throws him that EVIL 'I was just about to get *it*!' LOOK again* *hissing* Don't think I've finished with ya, mister. You have some explaining to do. *grabs Daniel by his collar and drags him to the couch*

Dan: *sqeals* Don't hurt me...

Ben: God, you are such a pathetic excuse for a gay man. Where is your pride? You're acting like a total whimp!

Lee: *from the kitchen* Pumpkin! What would you like to drink?

Ben: Anything you'll bring is fine, Light of My Life! I know you'll make the best choice for me! *turning towards Dan again* No pride at all...

Dan: *sobbing* I'm so sorry.. sorry... I know you and Lee and Karl and Darren and the girls and my parents and my friends and MTV and Michelle and my all ex girlfriends and all gay magazines and those mailing lists on the net and most of the fans and two teenyboppers were saying that I'm gay but I thought... *sniffs* I thought you were all wrong! But today... *sniffs* today when Kathleen kicked me out... *sooooooobs* I understood! I'm queer!!! WAAAAAAAAAH!!!! *cries*

Ben: *rolling his eyes* Cry louder! I'm sure that there are villages in Central Africa that didn't hear you yet!

Dan: I'M SO SOOOOOOOOOOOOORYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Ben: *growls and rolls his eyes* Good God, calm down Jones! Don't you know the meaning of a word 'sarcasm'?

Lee: *emerging from the kitchen, carrying a tray full of goodies* Benny... *warning tone* Were you meany to Danny again?

Ben: *slightly panicked* Nononononono! No! Of course not, honey, baby, cupcake, dearest! I'd never hurt our Danny!!! *throws an arm around Daniel's arms and hugs him in a 'best buddies' way*

Dan: *whimpers*

Lee: *throwing Ben a suspicious look* Oh, in that case... *turns to Danny* What was all that crying about then?

Dan: Cos Ben...

Ben: *covers Ben's mouth with his hand and squeezes Dan so hard he loses his breath for a sec* *low hissing tone* Shut up *cheerfully* Dan just admitted that he's confused. He doesn't know what he should do with all that *sarcasm* 'new' knowlege.

Dan: *nods* (looks to me like he doesn't have much choice :) )

Lee: *puts tray on the coffe table and turns to Dan* Now, I know that pain. The first time I discovered I was gay... ok, I went to a gay club, picked up a blond Sweedish hunk then screwed him all night long but the point is we all were there *pats Dan's head*

Dan: *nods*

Lee: *sits next to Ben*

Ben: *finally let's go of Dan and cuddles closer to Lee*

Lee: So... what are you planning to do now?

Dan: Well, like I was just telling Ben...

Ben: *throws him a cold, murderous glare that says it all*

Dan: I was just telling Ben... *starts to sweat* ...that he's wearing a very unique collar! *points at the leather collar Ben is wearing around his neck*

Ben: *beams* You like? I got that from my munchkin *snuggles closer to Lee*

Lee: *smiles* Don't you think that this particular shade of black picks out those dark flecks in his eyes. *smuches to Ben*

Dan: *who had a very good look at those 'dark flecks' just a few minutes back* ^^;;; Yeah. Sure. Of course. Perfect *mumbles* If that means being gay...

Lee: *unsmuches from Ben* What were you saying?

Dan: Oh no, nothing, please, don't mind me *fake, plastered smile*

Lee: oh, ok... *grope* *kiss* mmmmm... *tongue* *smuches* *lick*

Ben: baby... oh yeah... *grope* *tongue*

Dan: *coughs*

Ben: *lies Lee down on the couch* *lick* *bite*

Lee: *purrs*

Dan: Erm... guys? Guuuuys?

Ben: *starts to put his hand into Lee's pants*

Dan: *squeals* Guys?! @_@;;;;;;

Lee: Oh, yes baby... *hisses with pleasure* go on... right there...

Dan: GUYS! @_@;;;;;;;;;;;;

Lee&Ben: *dazed* uh?

Dan: @_@;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Lee: Oh... yeah, sorry *giggles* Ben, we are embarassing our guest here. Sit up.

Ben: Uhm? *totally out of it* Oh, yeah... sure... *sits up with a HEAVY sigh*

Lee: So... *combs his hair with his fingers* what are You planning to do now Danny boy? Any great plans for the future?

Dan: *shakes his head* No... that's why I came here in a first place. I figured out I'm gay but I really don't know what to do next.

Ben: And how *exactly* did you figure that out?

Dan: Well... eeeeh... *obviously embarrased*

Lee: Let me take a wild guess. Kathleen *again* wanted to have sex and you *again* told her that you should wait so she said she's done waiting and started to kinda get on you, you panicked and she *again* threw you out?

Dan: *even more embarrassed and slightly impressed* Yeah...

Ben: *rolls his eyes* You know Danny boi, you should figure out that we were all telling you the truth when Michelle dumped you cos you didn't want to give her any. All that 'let's wait' talking is total crap and you know it.

Lee: *inhales sharply* *slowly turns his head and throws Ben that look that every man fears so much* Are you trying to tell me that if I didn't want to have sex right away you'd find yourslef someone else?

Ben: WHAT?! *stutters* N...noo NO! *scared shitless* Of course not baby! I'd wait for you. You know I would!! I love you!!! I'd wait a year... two years... ten years if you wanted me to!!!

Lee: *humphs* Well, it sounded like that, didn't it Dan? *folds his arms together*

Dan: *evil glare* Yup. It definitelly sounded like that to me.

Ben: *starts to sweat* B... baby... don't listen to him! He's Jones! He's full of shit! *tries to smooches Lee but Lee pushes him away* Sweetheart...p-please *his eyes tears up* don't reject me......... *falls on his knees and grabs Lee's legs* PLEASE!!! I'M SO SOOOOOOOOORYYYYYY! I'M SUCH A FOOL!!!! *starts to cry*

Lee: *folds his arms together and doesn't pay any attention to the man who is sobbing on his lap* *looks at bemused Dan* Tea in a green cup is for You.

Dan: Uhm... *embarrassed* You won't do anything with... erm... *points at Ben* that?

Lee: *shrugs* Don't care.

Ben: PLEAASEEEEEE forgive me!!! I love You!

Lee: Sooooo...

Ben: *still sobbing and whimpering* sorry... love you... forgive me, I'm such a bad doggy... Punish me, please...

Lee: ...I really don't know what can I tell you...

Ben: ...light of my life...

Lee: ...I guess if you are really sure of this...

Ben: ...my One and Only...

Lee: ...and feel like This Is It, then...

Ben: ...my huneybun...

Lee: ...you should throw Kathleen away and...

Ben: ...an oasis on my desert...

Lee: ...and... eh...

Ben: ...water in my well...

Lee: ...eh. Damn you Ben! You are distracting me! *points at bedroom* Go there and wait till I tell you!

Ben: *lower lip trembles* b.. but... but sweets...

Lee: And don't call me sweets! It's a doghouse for you Benjamin Carey! Go! Now!

Ben: *silently* yes, my love *lets go of Lee's legs and slowly starts to crawl in the direction of bedroom*

Dan: /maybe comming here wasn't the best idea after all/ @_@

Ben: *turns around and throws Lee a last 'wounded puppy' look*

Lee: *still pointing* Go!

Ben: *sniffs* Yes, love...

Lee: *sighs as Ben crawls into the room and closes the door behind himself* Men... *turns to Dan again* I'm sorry for him, he never knows how to behave properly. I'm trying my best but... *shakes his head*

Dan: I see... *tries to be calm even if there's a drop of sweat running down his spine* I guess... I guess I should go now. *starts to stand up* thanks for the tea and...

Lee: *grabs Dan's shoulder* Bullshit! Stay! *gently but forcefully pushes Dan to the sofa again* We have so many things to discuss, like *winks* any particular guy you'd like to talk about? ^___^

Dan: ll tll trying to breath* G... guy?

Lee: *cheerfully* Yeah. A guy. A man. You know... HIM.

Dan: ????

Lee: Oh, come oooooon, Danny boy, I won't belive that that 'I'm gay' idea just popped into your brain like that. We were trying to convince you that you are gay from almost five years and you just kinda 'got that' today? I don't belive it *whispers* Come on, admitt, there is 'HIM'. *winks and nudges Dan's*

Dan: *blushes* Weeeeeeeeell.../how many meters is from here to the door?/

Lee: Ha! *jumps up and down pointing at Dan* I knew it! I knew it! Come on who is it?

Dan: *still blushing* Weeeeeell... /I would have to run really fast/

Lee: Oh, come oooooooooon! Spill it! Is that someone I know?

Dan: Weeeeeeeeeeell... /maybe if I could whack him with that tray.../

Lee: *grabs Dan suddenly and start to shake him* Stop playing that stupid game with me Jones! Spill it! Who is that *evil look that tells Dan exactly why Ben went straight to the bedroom without g prg protest*

Dan: *all sweated* It's D... Darren *chockes*

Lee: *disapointed* Oh... *lets go of Dan*

Dan: *tries to calm himslef down* Oh?

Lee: *shrugs* I thought it's something juicy, like Sneaky or Ricky Martin or Britney Spears but it's just... *shrugs again then takes himself a cookie* ...Darren.

Dan: *more surprised than scared* Why do You say... is that chocolate?

Lee: Yup, made them myself. Please, have a bite.

Dan: *taone one cookie, looks at it closely, sniffs then takes a itsy-bittsy bite* Mmmmm... good... *smiles* /chooocooooo.../

Lee: *smiles* yeah, Ben loves them, he... *trails into a silence* He...*lower lip trembles* He loves my cookies. He loves everything I bake. *sniffs* The first time I was cooking for him he... he.... *is having a flashback* 'scuse me *stands up rapidly and runs to the bedroom* *opening the door* BEEEN!

Ben: *from the floor* Lee? Is that You> *looks up with teary eyes, blinks not believeing his luck* Lee?

Lee: Ben! *fall into each other arms*

Dan: *standing up slowly* /Ok, here is my chance. I have to run while they are too busy... OMG! That's gross/ *creapting in the direction of the door* /Ok, Jones, just few more steps, and you are going to be out of this looneybin. Just few more steps, one more, just.../

Lee: DAAAAAAAAAAN!?

Dan: /NOOOO.. so close... nooooooooooooo!!!!/ *turns around* *cheerfully* Yes Lee?

Lee: Where are you going? I think I told You to *stay*!

Dan: *paling* I just um... eh... didn't want to interrupt anything... hehe...

Lee: Yeah but we finished now. *stands up from the floor, fixes his shirt, hair and smiles to Dan in a way that tells him to better do whatever he wants* You may *sit* *down* now, Danny.

Dan: Yeah... thanks... *goes to the couch looking like a beated dog* *Lee and Ben kiss one last time*

Lee: *to Ben* Dan was just telling me that he has a crash on Darren. Dan: @_@ Leeeeeeeee... *blushes*

Lee: Oh, shush Dan, not like it's a *big* surprise or anything.

Ben: Yeah, shush Dan. *smiles at Lee in a 'I did good, baby, right?' kinda way*

Dan: b... but...

Lee: *narrows his eyes* I said *shush*, Danny.

Ben: Yeah, he said *shush*, Danny.

Dan: *lower his eyes* sowwy /So cloooose.../

Lee&Ben: *sitting on a couch next to Dan, who tries to put as much distance as possible between them without giving them a clue that he's trying to*

Lee: Ok, now we need to decide what to do with you Dan.

Dan: *sqeals* *Do* with me?

Lee: Yeah, you can't spend the rest of your miserable...

Ben: ...pathetic...

Lee: ...repulsive...

Ben: ...pseudo gay-wannabe...

Lee: ...stop interrupting me Benny...

Ben: ...de... ehm... ...um... ...sorry... *blushes*

Lee: ...eh... miserable life hidding. You have to do something with it. You have to... go to Darren and tell him how You feel about him! *beams* Dan: Waaaaaaaaaa? No! Never! I can't tell him!

Lee: And that's because...

Dan: Cos... cos I can't! That would be, like, the end of our frinendship!

Ben: What *friendship*? *smirks* You haven't seen him from over 6 months now.

Dan: Yeaaaaaaaah... but we write each other and call and...

Lee: What a bullshit! Tell him!!

Dan: ...but... but... *mumbles* what if I tell him and.. and... what next? *blushes*

Lee: What? *That's* the problem? *laughs out loudly* God, Danny! I'm lurking on ADM since the beginning, I know more about your sex life then you two.

Dan: *protests* Hey! We have no sex life!

Lee: And that's what we have to change... *narrows his eyes in that meany way that makes Dan's blood col cold and Ben's hot* *puts his arm around Dan's shoulder* Danny, we'll make a perfect queer out of you. *smiles evily*

Dan: *squeals*

tbc...