Without You

I sit in our room, like i always do. I dont know where he's at, he's somewhere around though, we are supposed to be engaged but we never talk anymore, when I want to talk he doesnt listen or he just walks away humming to himself, im scared so very scared that this won't work out, I keep telling myself he just has cold feet about the marriage and all but now it's worse,he won't even talk to me about the marriage,we dont have a date set or anything we haven't talked about it at all, what can be worse then not talking to the one you love about the greatest day of your life? i dont understand him, i sit in my room all day long just starring at the engagement ring as if at any minute it would do tricks,but once again it doesnt and it just stays there, i twist it back and forth and slide it up and down, i feel depressed but i try to feel happy, i think to myself all the time that it will all work out but for some reason i feel we are breaking apart, questions run through my head all day,"why did he ask me if he doesnt love me?" that's the biggest question that i think about, im feeling a little skitzo sitting here thinkin to myself, sometimes im not thinking i catch myself talking to myself or answering myself, i dont leave the house either, people are starting to bug me, especially the one i love the most.

The last time we actually had a real conversation was about a month ago, it was the night he asked me to marry him, im sing ing to think he regrets asking me, and i think i regret that i said yes, but then i stop myself and rethink of the old him, the one i fell in love with, the one i am in love with, the old Benji, i just want my Benjamin back. I find myself thinking about him more than i know he thinks about me.

I am startled as I hear the phone ring.

I struggle to pick it up.

"hello?" i ask the person that is calling but Benji already had picked it up.

"i have it already u can hang up" he snaps back, i hear another voice on the end giggling, guys dont giggle and it wasn't a guy's voice,it was a girl's voice, i act as if i hang up but i dont. I hear him say something to her and she giggles and they flirt, i hang up the phone i dont want to hear anymore of what I know, iuld uld break my heart into a million pieces, but it was to late i was already crying and i found myself already packing my stuff, its wierd how your body can do stuff and your mind hasn't comprehended what you were doing. I stop and fall on the bed surounded by wet spots on my pillow from where my other tears fell.

I know if i leave he will just come searching for me, I mean I still had his ring on and it costed more than my life, so he would probably want that back. I have to make up a lie or something, i think to myself for several minutes as i come up with a plan.

I picked up the phone making it obvious i had to say something, I didnt feel like hearing the mystery girls voice so i purposely dropped the phone "oops i dropped the phone" i said loud enough that they would shut up for fear of being caught, to late for that but i wasnt worried about that anymore i just wanted to get the hell out of here. "hey benji im goin to the store" i said into the phone sounding a little ditzy.

"yeah ok, u never tell me when u go to the store anyway why start now?" he asked in a snobbish tone, he never before talked to me like he had started to just recently.

"because umm" i couldnt find an answer "well because i just want to start now" i say. God i hope he doesnt think something is up, i find myself after every second more scared of Benji, i didnt think that day could ever come of me being scared of Benji, but i was and i began to shake.

"when your there pick me up some more head ache pills because lately ive been needing them" he said, almost sounded like he was blaming me for his fuckin headaches.

"ok i will, i'm uhh goin to go now ill be back in a little bit"

"yeah ok" he said irritated as i hung up.

I looked around our bedroom, the one he hadn't really been sleepin in only when he wanted some 'affection'. I began to wonder if he ran to the mystery girl that was on the phone for some 'affection' because lately he hasn't been wanting some from me which hurt because we used to tell each other everything but lately i dont even know where he's at in the god damn house or what he's doing, its almost like i've been living with a stranger, so i have decided to leave, its a hard thing for me to do, i mean to leave all this behind and make the biggest decision i am making but it seems so right at the time, its hard tho to leave all friefriends i made inspite of being benjis fiance. His friends became my friends and now i have to leave them? this world is not fair i tell you! I dont want to leave but ya know id ra be be gone exploring another life than staying around here listening to Benji yell at me, or not talk to me and i'd rather leave than sitting here isolated because i am afraid of loosing him to some girl that he has been talkin to.

Well as i was saying i looked around the bedroom in search of something i would forget, i had everything packed, it didnt look like i even lived there. I carefully walked down the steps hearing him talk on the phone still, he laughed really loud i didnt want to hear him anymore, i opened the door carefully and shut it behind me, i hurried up and opened the trunk of my car and threw my shit in there got in and drove away. As i was driving i was looking in the mirror and watched the house till i turned the corner.

'oh shit!' i thought to myself, i still had the ring on, obviously i didn't need it anymore right? i turned into a little gas station, i mean i had to have a reason to come back into the house right? so I baught some exedrin migrain pills that he had asked,well more like ordered me to get. I sat in my car for awhile wondering if i was over reacting, i mean when ur mad u over react and I didnt know if I was going a little to the extreme or what? I thought about it and came up with a rational explanation, what if that was like a friend? right I mean u don't propose to someone if you dont love them, so he had to of loved me. I drove back to the house, only to find that there was another car there,one i had never seen before, I stayed in my car and I saw Benji through a window and it looked like he was talking to someone, ok maybe it was just a record producer or something. I began to get out of my car still focusing on benji through the window when all of a sudden a girl with long blonde hair walked infront of the window, she looked so familiar, i thought about it and all of a sudden i remembered who the bitch was!