Dance Without Sleeping

Title: Dance Without Sleeping
Author: ChemicalMuse
Pairing: Gerard Way/Frank Iero
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Reminiscing on what was, and what could have been.
Warnings: Character death
Author's Note: I was given a challenge to write this - and I can't resist a dare. The lyrics to "Dance Without Sleeping" are by Melissa Etheridge, and the song is on her cd Never Enough.
Disclaimer: I don't own these men, and suing me would get you nothing but a very odd colleciton of cd's, a prehistoric computer, a few Sharpies and around $2 and change.

I don't want to talk about it
I've done enough, I think

Talk. Seems like all I do is talk. Talk to therapists, talk to friends, talk to Mikey. Talk to everybody but you. Because you aren't here to hear me, no matter how much I want you to be.

I've talked enough to everybody I know in the last year. It seems sometimes like all I've done is talk about this. About how I feel. About my pain, and my grief, and even my anger. I'm tired of talking. Most of the time, I'm tired of feeling. I wish I could just shut everything off and float in a world of .... nothing.

Is that what you're doing, Frankie? Wherever you are? Are you watching me, hurting right along with me? Or are you just .... gone? I don't know. I guess I never will.

I still can't believe it. A year. A year that you haven't been with me. A year that my arms have been empty. A year that my heart's been even emptier. It's like I can't feel anything any more.

I don't want to feel anything now.

I've tried everything I know to stop feeling. I've gone back to drugs. Didn't work. Tried drinking. Just made me hurt more. Tried working myself to death. Just made me miss you more. The only thing I haven't tried is promiscuous sex. I can't. I can't touch another man. I can't hold another body in my arms, Frankie. Not ever. Not after you.

There's no substitute for the one person you'll ever love.

Don't want to spend more money
I don't want another drink

I was drinking during those last few months. Those months you were in the hospital and wasting away. I hid it from you. I never came to the hospital drunk. I guess the only reason it didn't kill me is because I spent so much time there. The only time I drank is when I knew I couldn't be there for a few hours. I let go of everything else in my life for that. I just didn't care about it any more. Nothing mattered except you.

I somehow stupidly thought that it would go away. That you'd be miraculously cured and come back to me and we'd pick up the threads of our life together.

It never occurred to me that it was never going to happen.

I'd sit there and hold your hand, and when you cried I'd get into the bed with you and hold you. I know I wasn't supposed to do it. For all I know, it made things worse. But I had to. I couldn't not hold you. I couldn't not be with you. I could feel you slipping away from me every day, and I was trying to hold on to you as hard as I could.

Even though I knew I'd eventually have to let go, it didn't stop me from trying.

I would scratch out all the images
If I had the chance

All I've got left is pictures. Photos and the memories in my head. That's all I have to hold on to. I wish I could change the last few months. They went by so quickly. I kept trying to hold on, and I know you did too. This wasn't how we planned our life together, this wasn't something we ever thought would happen.

I look at all those pictures of us now and I try to keep myself from thinking. From feeling. Feeling all the joy and hope and confidence in the future that you and me had when we got together. Even pictures of the band. It all seemed possible then. That we were going to be happy, that I was going to have a life with you.

Everything was ahead of us. And I destroyed it. Me. There's nobody to blame for any of this but myself. I brough it all down on us. What's that old saying? "You always hurt the one you love." I did a lot more than just hurt you, Frankie. A lot more.

And yet, you forgave it all. I took your life away from you, and you never hated me for it. You died loving me as much as you always had. And I've only loved you more since I lost you.

Funny, isn't it? I thought I loved you when you were alive, in my arms, when I had you. But that's nothing compared to what I feel now. I don't think I ever realized just how much I loved you until you were gone. Until I could never tell you to your face, never put it into words. I always leave everything until it's too late.

Don't ask me what I'm thinking
Can't you see I only want to
Dance without sleeping
I'll dance without fear

You were the one who was always unafraid, Frankie. Even when we found out you were dying, you were the strong one. I tried so hard to be there for you, to be brave for you, but I couldn't be. I was the one who fell apart and you were the one who held me up. It shouldn't have been that way. I should have been the one to help you. But I couldn't. I tried. God knows I tried. But knowing I was losing you was too much for me to deal with.

I lost it when we found out. I didn't cry until we got home. Then I just .... broke down. And you held me. I just crawled into your arms and bawled. I don't know if I was crying for me, for you, or for both of us. I just know I was scared and lost and being in your arms was the only thing that felt right. And you held me and told me it'd be okay, as long as we were together.

You always said that, Frankie. That as long as we had each other, it would all be okay. You even said that the night you died. You looked into my eyes and said you loved me, and that you always would. And it would be okay. And ever since then I've been alone. Alone and lost.

I was always afraid. I was always scared, even before we were together. Scared you didn't feel the same way about me. Scared that I'd be making a fool out of myself if you didn't. And then when I found out you did feel that way, I was still scared, deep down inside. Scared that I wasn't good enough, that you'd get tired of my insecurities and my flaws and just .... leave.

I knew you wouldn't. I always knew you weren't like that. You were the one with all the faith. You always knew we were going to last, no matter what doubts I had. You never had any. You had all the strength, more than enough for both of us. Even after that day in the clinic when the doctors told us, you were the strong one. Even when you knew you were going to die.

Dance without senses
No message I hear

I went through those first weeks without thinking, just existing. I was trying to tell myself it wasn't true. It couldn't be true. I'd just had you for a little over a year. It wasn't long enough, Frankie. I wanted to be with you for the rest of our lives. I didn't know your life was going to be cut short. Because of me.

People talk to me, but I don't hear them. I don't hear Mikey, or my parents, or anybody else. It's all just words. Meaningless words that don't mean anything. Words about how I have to get on with my life, about how I can't let this destroy me. None of it makes any sense, none of it means anything.

Because none of it is your voice. Your voice that I'll never hear again.

I don't listen to people any more. It's like they're all talking, but I can't hear anything they say even if I wanted to. I'm underwater, and nothing can get through. I think I drowned the night you died, Frankie. I drowned in emotions .... love, and pain, and fear, and most of all, regret.

It was my fault. I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

Dance without sleeping
I'll dance till I'm numb
Dance till I think I can overcome

I've been numb for a year. A year to the day. It was 365 days ago that you left me, Frankie. I've been numb ever since. I haven't been able to feel .... anything.

It's like there's a barrier between me and everything else in the world. Nobody knows what this feels like. Nobody can possibly know how empty I feel. What it's like to wake up in the mornings without feeling you next to me, and knowing you'll never be there again. Knowing I'm going to go through the rest of my life alone.

Because I can't be with anybody else, Frankie. I can't. Not after you. I can't touch another man. I can't let anybody else touch me. It'd feel too much like I'm betraying you. Betraying what we had, everything I felt for you. The most perfect love that's ever existed.

I know you wouldn't want me to be alone. I know you'd want me to be happy. But I'm sorry, Frankie, I can't be. Not without you. I don't think I can ever be happy again. Not until I'm back with you, where I belong.

Walking on the edge of rage and understanding
Between the black and the white

I've gone between so many different feelings in the past year. The numbness overrode everything, but there's so much boiling under it. Anger, mostly. Anger that you were taken away from me, anger that you were the one and not me. It should've been me. I know that. Everybody knows it. Even if people don't say it, everybody knows it was my fault.

I killed you, Frankie. Me. I don't have anybody to blame but myself.

But you never blamed me. All those nights in the hospital, when you were in so much pain. You never blamed me for it. You never said one word to make me feel like everything you were going through was because of me. Right up to the end, to those last few seconds when you looked into my eyes and whispered that you loved me.

I killed you. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

When did it happen, Frankie? Which time that we made love did I pour the seeds of death into your tiny, fragile little body? Was it the first time I ever made love to you, in my darkened bedroom, after I'd worshipped your body with my hands and my mouth for hours? Or was it the last time before we were tested, you in my lap facing me, your legs wrapped around my waist, crying out my name when you came and collapsed in my arms?

I can remember every second of that last time we made love. God, it's so vivid. The way you looked, with your head thrown back and your lips parted and your eyes closed, your cheeks flushed with passion. The little sounds you'd make every time I'd move my hips and push deeper inside you. I can remember every little feeling, exactly how it felt to be inside you, how hot and tight you were. You were always so tight. No matter how many times we made love. It was always so good.

Or maybe it was just so amazing every time because I loved you so much. More than I'd ever thought I could love anybody. What we did went so far beyond sex. It wasn't just our bodies, it was our hearts, our minds, our souls. Every part of us.

It doesn't matter which time. All it took was once. Once, for me to seal your fate. It's my fault. That's always going to haunt me.

Sometimes I wish I could take it back. Go back to that time we made love, whenever it was, that I handed your death to you and you took it willingly. Take away that one time, and then you'd still be here with me and we'd still be happy. I wouldn't be a walking corpse, an empty shell of a human being.

No. I couldn't do that. No matter how much I regret how it turned out, I wouldn't trade one second of the time I had with you. Not one second of all the times we made love. I wouldn't take away even one time that I ever kissed you, touched you, held you. Remembering those times is all I have now.

This child is so angry
Alone here tonight

Alone. I'll always be alone. I'll never even look at anybody else. How could I? I've had you. I've had the most perfect person that'll ever exist. I've had the most perfect love that ever could have been.

And I threw it away. I didn't do it knowingly. I'd never have done anything to hurt you, Frankie. Never. And you knew that. You never blamed me. You always insisted that none of it was my fault, that I couldn't have known. I didn't know. I didn't know that I was carrying death inside me all the time I was with you.

It's weird how I've always had this obsession with death. But I never thought I'd kill the one person I loved more than anything in the world. I never thought I'd be the cause of so much pain. And the worst thing is knowing that most of the pain was yours. I'd have given anything for you not to have suffered the way you did.

That was the worst part of it all. Going to the hospital every day and spending hours sitting there with you, and watching you try to pretend that you weren't hurting. And when you'd finally admit that you were in pain, holding you when you cried. Feeling how thin you'd gotten, how tiny and fragile you were in my arms. You felt like a little doll. You'd always been fragile, but I pushed you to the edge.

But in spite of everything, you were still so beautiful. AIDS is an awful disease. It ravages everything it touches. But it never did that to you, Frankie. You were just as beautiful those last seconds you were in my arms as you were the first time I ever saw and you smiled at me. That smile, that beautiful dazzling smile that made the rest of the world disappear.

I'll never forget those last few seconds. The way you looked up at me with those eyes, those perfect eyes that held all the love in the world, and whispered "I love you." And then you were gone. I'll hold those seconds in my heart for the rest of my life. Knowing that you died still loving me.

Alarming desperation
Leads me to believe
With all my shields and protection
It's only me I deceive

I've lied to myself in so many ways, Frankie. Made myself believe that I could exist without you. That my life could go back to something resembling "normal." Not that I've ever had a normal life, but now I don't even have a life. I have an existence. I drift from day to day. Half the time I don't even remember one hour to the next, let alone the whole day.

Time doesn't exist for me any more. It's just something for me to get through, one more day alone on this earth without you. I don't even know what I'm thinking about most of the time. I can remember every though of you, crystal clear, your face, your voice, your laugh. I can remember every second of every time we were together. But I can't remember who I talked to yesterday, or what Mikey said when he called this morning.

I deceived myself in a lot of ways those last few months, too. Always telling myself that there was a chance the doctors were wrong, that you weren't dying, that you'd somehow get better and go home with me. That I wasn't going to lose you forever. That I hadn't destroyed you, destroyed us. Destroyed everything that had any meaning for me.

I tried to protect you from everything. I'd have given anything in the world to have been able to take your pain away, to deal with it all for you. That was one of the worst parts about the last few months, watching you fade away more day by day and knowing you were in pain, knowing I couldn't do anything to stop it. And knowing that I was the cause of it.

I wanted more than anything for you not to have to feel any of that. But you wouldn't even take the painkillers the doctors gave you. You kept saying that you didn't want to be blurry, you wanted to live every second of your life no matter how much it cost you. That was part of my punishment for what I did to you. Watching you endure so much pain just to be with me.

That hurt more than anything else, but I'd never tell you that. I didn't want you to know. I didn't want you to feel guilty. You'd have given anything to keep me from hurting, and I knew that it would've killed you all the sooner to know how much emotional pain I was in. So I kept it all inside. I never said anything.

But you knew. I know you did. I never could keep anything from you. You never said a word, but I know you were trying to take my pain. And that made me feel even guiltier, and hate myself more. I deserved it. I deserved it all.

I tried to fool myself into thinking I'd survive. But I died with you, Frankie. My body might still be here, but everything with any meaning is gone.

The eyes on a magazine
The voice on the radio
The kiss on the movie screen
This is the story I know

I've tried to keep it together since I lost you. I've tried my best. But I can't do it any more, Frankie. I lost everything the night you died. The only thing that's kept me hanging on is my promise to you. My promise that I wouldn't try to join you.

You begged me not to do anything to myself after you were gone. You made me promise that I wouldn't start cutting again, or drinking, or go back to the drugs. And I promised. I'd have done anything to make you happy. Anything to keep you there with me, even though I could feel you slipping away from me every second.

I promised. And I've kept that promise. I wouldn't lie to you, and I wouldn't take back any promise I'd made. I owe you that much. I owe you my pain, my suffering. I deserve to live out my life this way, spending every day reminded of what I did. How I destroyed the most perfect being I'll ever know in this world.

There's times I wish I hadn't made that promise. Because I don't want to keep it. Every time I watch one of our old interviews and hear your voice, every time I look at pictures, every time I even think about you, all I want is to end this sorry pretense of an existence and be with you again. But I can't. I promised you I wouldn't end it, I promised you I'd try to live my life.

But I can't promise you I'll be happy, Frankie. All my happiness in this world died with you. I'll never get that back.

Fathers hold on and they never go
Mothers hold on and they never go
Lovers hold on and they never go

I deserve to be alone. I deserve to hate myself for the rest of my life. You kept telling me not to blame myself, that at least we'd had our time together and maybe that's all we were meant to have. That you'd find me in another life and we'd be together again.

I believe that, Frankie. I believe that even though we're parted now, we'll find each other again. I don't know when, or where, or how. But what we shared can't be destroyed.

I'm with you every night in my dreams. I can feel you in my arms, touch you, hold you, kiss you, make love to you. It's the only time I'm happy. It might not be real, but at least it's something I can hold on to until I can be with you again. I've destroyed my chance for happiness in this life, but maybe someday I'll be able to make amends in another.

And this time, I won't let you go. Not ever again. I promised you forever, Frankie. The night you died, we swore we'd belong to each other forever. Nothing's ever going to change that. I'll always be yours.

Lovers they come and they never go

365 days. A year I've been without you. It feels like a lifetime. A lifetime of more years, stretching out into infinity, until I've finally paid for what I've done. Even though I don't think that an eternity of being alone can make up for it. I deserve to suffer through eternity. But the gods can't be that cruel.

I come here almost every day. I know you're not really here, but it makes me feel closer to you. "Francis Anthony Way." Just looking at that name makes me feel close to you. They're only letters carved into marble, but they're who you were. Who you are. My husband. The boy I love more than life. The one person I'll always love more than anything. In this life, and in any other.

I've never taken off my wedding band. I never will. You put it on my finger, and nobody else will ever take it off. I'll always be yours, Frankie. In my heart and soul, and in name. Nobody will ever take that away.

I'll keep going through this life, because I promised you I would. And I'll always hold on to the promise that we'll have another life together, one that I won't manage to fuck up.

I'll go home tonight and do what I usually do, answer the phone when Mikey calls, tell him I'm okay when I'm not, drift through the days like I usually do. Until it's finally over and I can have some peace. I'm just waiting for that day, that last day that I'll have to deal with this pain. It's got to come sooner or later.

And I'll see you in my dreams.