Alchemy
folder
My Chemical Romance › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
17
Views:
4,006
Reviews:
16
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
My Chemical Romance › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
17
Views:
4,006
Reviews:
16
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of My Chemical Romance. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
All That He Wants
Title: Alchemy, Part 1: All That He Wants
Pairing: Frank/Mikey, Frank/Gerard
Author: ChemicalMuse
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Frank's in love - but not with his lover.
Disclaimer: I own none of these men. This is fiction, it never happened.
You don't remember when you started feeling this way. Just that you did. Just that you've felt this way forever. And you don't know how to make it stop. You don't want to.
He's always been perfect to you. Perfect face, perfect body. Perfect everything. He's always been that unreachable goal, the one thing you knew you could never have no matter how hard you tried. You know you'll never have him, but that doesn't stop you from wanting. No matter how much it tears you apart.
Mikey. That smile, that voice .... everything about him. He's always been your dream. Who you wanted to be, then .... who you wanted. You've always felt like you were lucky just to be close to him, just to be his friend. Until the last few months, you thought you could be happy with that because you knew there couldn't be anything more. But now, it's ripping you apart to know you can't have him.
You watch him every night. Every time you turn around, you smile at him, your eyes take him in even when he doesn't know you're doing it. You look at him before a show and you wonder if he's as nervous as you are, if he gets stressed out. If he does, he never shows it. He's always so calm and cool. He's always what you wish you could be.
You know Gerard watches you. His eyes are always on you, he looks over at you onstage and smiles and there's love in that look. You know how he feels about you. And you love him, too, just not .... in the same way he loves you. It's wrong, and you hate pretending, but you don't know what else to do. You don't want to hurt him.
Or are you just scared of being alone? Is that all there is to it? You just can't deal with being alone and not feeling loved. So you let this go on, being Gerard's lover and feeling guilty as fuck because you don't want to be with him. You want his little brother, and you can't change the way you feel even if you wanted to.
That kissing thing onstage with Gerard every night. You never look at Mikey after you do that. You don't want to know if he watches, or how he feels about it. It would hurt too much to see him smile about it and know he didn't care. A piece of you dies every night, going back to the bus and knowing that you'll be with Gerard and not with Mikey. But you do it anyway, because you're caught in the middle. Between a rock and a hard place and you don't know how to get the hell out.
It's going to be the same thing tonight. You'll play the show, talk to the fans, pose for some pictures. Then you'll go back to the bus, shower and crawl into bed .... with Gerard. He'll make love to you and he'll never guess that when you come you're thinking about Mikey. You dread the day that name leaves your lips in mid-orgasm. You're just waiting for it. Waiting for the hurt on Gerard's face and the pain you'll feel to see it.
You can't leave. You can't take a step forward or back. You're just ... stuck. Living a lie and killing yourself to do it. Dancing in the dragon's jaws and wondering when you're going to fall off the tightrope - and if there'll be anybody there to catch you when you do.
It's a long fucking way down and it's going to hurt like hell to hit the ground.
Pairing: Frank/Mikey, Frank/Gerard
Author: ChemicalMuse
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Frank's in love - but not with his lover.
Disclaimer: I own none of these men. This is fiction, it never happened.
You don't remember when you started feeling this way. Just that you did. Just that you've felt this way forever. And you don't know how to make it stop. You don't want to.
He's always been perfect to you. Perfect face, perfect body. Perfect everything. He's always been that unreachable goal, the one thing you knew you could never have no matter how hard you tried. You know you'll never have him, but that doesn't stop you from wanting. No matter how much it tears you apart.
Mikey. That smile, that voice .... everything about him. He's always been your dream. Who you wanted to be, then .... who you wanted. You've always felt like you were lucky just to be close to him, just to be his friend. Until the last few months, you thought you could be happy with that because you knew there couldn't be anything more. But now, it's ripping you apart to know you can't have him.
You watch him every night. Every time you turn around, you smile at him, your eyes take him in even when he doesn't know you're doing it. You look at him before a show and you wonder if he's as nervous as you are, if he gets stressed out. If he does, he never shows it. He's always so calm and cool. He's always what you wish you could be.
You know Gerard watches you. His eyes are always on you, he looks over at you onstage and smiles and there's love in that look. You know how he feels about you. And you love him, too, just not .... in the same way he loves you. It's wrong, and you hate pretending, but you don't know what else to do. You don't want to hurt him.
Or are you just scared of being alone? Is that all there is to it? You just can't deal with being alone and not feeling loved. So you let this go on, being Gerard's lover and feeling guilty as fuck because you don't want to be with him. You want his little brother, and you can't change the way you feel even if you wanted to.
That kissing thing onstage with Gerard every night. You never look at Mikey after you do that. You don't want to know if he watches, or how he feels about it. It would hurt too much to see him smile about it and know he didn't care. A piece of you dies every night, going back to the bus and knowing that you'll be with Gerard and not with Mikey. But you do it anyway, because you're caught in the middle. Between a rock and a hard place and you don't know how to get the hell out.
It's going to be the same thing tonight. You'll play the show, talk to the fans, pose for some pictures. Then you'll go back to the bus, shower and crawl into bed .... with Gerard. He'll make love to you and he'll never guess that when you come you're thinking about Mikey. You dread the day that name leaves your lips in mid-orgasm. You're just waiting for it. Waiting for the hurt on Gerard's face and the pain you'll feel to see it.
You can't leave. You can't take a step forward or back. You're just ... stuck. Living a lie and killing yourself to do it. Dancing in the dragon's jaws and wondering when you're going to fall off the tightrope - and if there'll be anybody there to catch you when you do.
It's a long fucking way down and it's going to hurt like hell to hit the ground.