Behind the Crash

*Before I begin, there is no sexual contact in this story. I know, bummer. This is based off of an Assemblage 23 song called 30KFT, and ten to one you don't know who they are, but there were no fanfic sites to elsewhere put this, and I wanted to share this with people who appreciate it. Sorry to sound so bitchy about it, I just didn't want to get your hopes up. For those of you still reading this, enjoy.
**DISCLAIMER: The lyrics for "Behind the Crash" are owned by Assemblage 23, not by me. I made up the characters according to my interpretation of the lyrics... so yeah. I don't get paid, and whatever else you want me to say.

Behind the Crash-

He always was the one to face the facts. I think that's what helped him that day from losing all sanity on the phone. If there was ever a day I would change, it would be then. At least to respond when he said goodbye.

I remember when I saw that number blinking, the recording behind it was the very last thing I expected. I had been in a pretty fair mood that day, but happiness left me when he went off to serve, so this was definitely a step up. I've always been the one to worry, always had the knowledge God was out to get me. And did he ever.

Sometimes when I'm alone, I play it. I savor that familiar voice pouring out of the tiny speaker. But an answering machine could never equal a man... could never equal the millions of kisses and laughter, fights, tears, and the feeling of his arms around me when I wake up, him breathing in my face so softly.. If there was a heaven, we would be naked under the sheets together, entwined after a restful night. That was my heaven. Mine. But it was about as solid and tangible as that tape is the body of the man I was madly in love with. When that comes to be, I'll believe in that great place.

My children were only 1 and 2 that day. Luckily they were with their aunt, knowing that if I was holding them, I would've let them fall or smothered them, like I did that bag of groceries that they were replaced with in my arms. I heard the crumple of the brown bag just when my husband's voice ended abruptly. I was suprisingly frozen from all reaction as he spoke, after that, and that brown bag in my hands, I heard nothing. Not even the scream that the old man next door heard escaping my throat, which woke him from a short doze in his lounge chair he spends the day in.

In that moment, for the first time ever I hated my husband's smooth baritone voice. His voice brought the worst pain I've ever known. His voice meant death for the rest of my life. A death inside, everyday until the end. A haunting inside as well, the place in my heart where love and joy used to stay. Now that new feeling caused that scream, it ate half my mind and made me vomit only 30 minutes later.

If not for my children, which almost wasn't a reason I found convincing enough, I would have followed suit. With a sizeable pistol in my hand when it finally hit me what he was saying, it would've been done, kids or no kids. Friendly faces flashed in my head at his words, people we knew and loved, and their faces that were always pleasant began to contort with the same feeling as mine. But they'll never know the pain as I do.

Before my hysterics, I lingered on his last words, the words directed towards me and I listened to intently as my chest hollowed out and my face creased a million times. I still hear every pitch, tone, pause as perfectly as if the tape were placed inside my head through my ear. I heard the roar get louder in the background gradually. Until his last words were stolen from me for the rest of his life, in his mind forever, still waiting to be said. Instead they were taken. I won't ever get them.

The children keep growing, their mannerisms and physical traits a jeering, frightening ghost of their father. His friends and family still remember, but I stay behind. And each day, whether I press the big word PLAY on that machine or not, I hear him. His last words. I can hear them now...

(lyrics to 30KFT-)

Hello, if you're there, pick up the phone... I'm calling from thirty thousand feet above you.
Captain's just informed us that our plane is going down... So I'm calling for one last time, to say I love you.

I'm not certain how much time I may have left so I'll be brief... Sorry if this message only amplifies your grief,
But I couldn't bear the burden never having say goodbye, And the pain you feel I promise you will go away with time.

Sorry I won't be there, to see our children grow... Please tell them that I love them more than they will ever know.
Tell my family and friends how much I love them all as well. I'm sure that we will meet again, but only time will tell.

I'm sorry most of all I won't be there when you grow old... To be there by your side and keep you warm when you are cold.
Forgive me but I think our time is drawing to a close, So I've one last thing to tell you now before I have to go... I- *end transmission*