Backstage Battlefield

@};--;---

Backstage Battlefield
By Rayna
Pairing: Alexi of Children of Bodom/Joey of SlipKnot
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: ...Non-con?
A/N: Here's a shot at comedy. -shrug- I thought it was amusing.
August, 2004

"Are you sure about this?" Joey asked his lead singer hesitantly, looking up at him.

"'Course I am." Corey grinned crazily and grabbed Joey's hand, leading him through the foggy parking lot.

There weren't many people around. Most of the fans were gone and the crew members were inside cleaning up the arena. The few stray people outside didn't recognize Joey and Corey without their masks, and they'd already changed clothes, so there was really nothing to give their onstage identities away. The two of them slinked through the shadows, making their way to the tour bus.

"What if they, like, shoot at us, or something?"

Corey shook his head. "They won't. Just get ready to hear some ear-splitting screams."

Finally, they were right next to the tour bus that bore the name Hate Crew sprawled across its exterior. Corey gripped the firecracker he had in his left hand and let Joey's hand go to grab the lighter from his pocket.

"Go knock on the door," Corey whispered, motioning toward the front part of the bus.

Joey slowly approached the door and raised his hand to knock. Corey crouched behind him with the lighter on, ready to set the firecracker off. Joey bit his bottom lip and quickly rapped his knuckles four times on the door. There was a bit of soft cursing and some rustling about before the door opened and a disgruntled Alexi Laiho appeared.

Joey opened his mouth to speak but before he could, Corey jumped up and threw the firecracker inside, pulling the door closed. There was silence for a few seconds, then a sudden explosion that brought about screams of surprise and fear. Alexi's famed, high-pitched shriek made the others pale in comparison. Corey collapsed to the ground, rolling with hysterics, while Joey stared worriedly at the door, hoping no one inside had been hurt.

When the popping explosions died down after a minute or so, the door flew open. Alexi stormed out, followed closely by Jaska. Corey made a run for it, leaving his diminutive drummer behind to stare wide-eyed at the two angry men. Joey took two steps backward, but that was as far as he got before Alexi roughly gripped his arm and pulled him inside, locking the door.

Joey tripped over his stacked heels and fell to the floor, landing heavily on Janne, who 'oof'ed as the wind was knocked out of him.

"I had nothing to do with that," Joey explained, frantically crawling away from the practically steaming Alexi.

"Oh, but mine eyes say otherwise." The volatile frontman moved forward until Joey was hemmed in beside the couch. He squatted down and stared at Joey, chin raised up a bit in a look of arrogance. "Now the question is: what should we do with you? One such crime shall not go unpunished."

Joey's eyes flitted around the bus, looking for some means of escape, but the door was the only one. He locked gazes with the other members of the band and found mild humor in the eyes of Henkka and Janne, but the others were angry. "Honestly, Alexi, I swear, it was all Corey's idea. He just told me to knock on the door. Don't ..." He chewed nervously at his bottom lip. "Don't hurt me, or anything."

Alexi stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Sure." He smirked. "But you aren't leaving tonight."

"Why not?" Joey asked in a fearful whisper.

"Because while you were not the assailant, you were the accomplice, and we shall torture you until you tell us everything you know."

'Completely insane,' Joey thought, hands clenching. "Know about what? And what do you mean 'torture'?"

Alexi shook his head and stood up. "What's Taylor's cell phone number?"

Joey gave it to him in a last desperate attempt to get himself out of such a dangerous environment. After-shows were always like this: the wars that took place in the parking lot were much more brutal than any heavy metal stage show. Joey pushed himself farther into the corner and crossed his arms across his chest while Alexi fell onto the couch and dialed the number.

"Yeah, Taylor?" Alexi grinned. "We have something of yours." He pushed the speaker-phone button so Joey could hear.

"You better not fucking do anything to him," Corey's voice growled dramatically from the speaker.

Henkka grabbed a hairbrush off the floor and stood in front of Roope, who was holding a video camera. He cleared his throat and stared directly into the camera with a serious look on his face. "Welcome to the one o'clock news. I'm your host and second in command to General Laiho, Henkka Blacksmith. We have a hostage situation taking place at the moment. Would the victim like to make any comments?" He held the hairbrush up to Joey, but Joey shook his head, not amused. Henkka pulled the brush away and brought it back to his mouth. "No comments from the victim." He turned to Janne, who was still sitting on the floor, watching the proceedings with vague interest. "A passerby, here. Any comments?"

Janne took the hairbrush and looked into the video camera. He moved up until his face was directly in the camera before saying, "Hi."

Alexi waved his hand for attention, effectively shutting everyone up. Corey was laughing on the other end of the line. "Does this amuse you, that we have captured your partner?" Roope zoomed in on Alexi's face.

"Yeah, actually. Tell Joey he should have ran. It's not my fault."

"So you aren't willing to pay the ransom money in order to get him back, then?" Alexi tilted his head back on the seat and laughed maniacally.

"Ransom money?" Corey's voice wavered unsteadily as he restrained himself. "All depends on how much you're asking."

"Twenty dollars," Alexi said matter-of-factly.

"Twenty dollars? Sorry, man, all I've got is five and it's for the snack machine."

"Corey!" Joey shouted, appalled.

"You had your chance to get 'im back. He's ours now." Alexi hung up the phone before Corey could say anything else and smiled charmingly into the camera, then winked. "We have quite a night ahead of us."

Henkka went and sat beside Jaska, grinning lopsidedly. "So what are your thoughts on these proceedings?"

Jaska shrugged. "I'm gonna go kill Corey. You guys do what you want with Little Bit over there."

Alexi stood back up and started dishing out orders with all the enthusiasm of a five star general. "Okay, men. We're in the middle of a battle here. We're on the dominate end so far, as we've captured one of their soldiers, so I'm ordering Jaska and ..." He looked around and settled his eyes on the man with the video camera, "Roope to go take care of Taylor. I'll man the fort along with Janne and Henkka. Yes?"

"Okay," the band agreed and Roope handed the video camera over to Janne. The two bigger men departed from the bus, leaving Alexi, Henkka and Janne alone with Joey.

"Now, for you ..." Alexi put his hands on his hips and stared down at Joey, whose eyebrows were drawn together. "How do you perform?"

"In what?" Joey asked dubiously.

"Eroticism, of course."

"Of course," Janne added, zooming in on Joey.

Joey's eyes widened. "No way. Absolutely not. That's taking the game too far."

Alexi held a hand up to silence Joey. "You are in no position to deny us anything. You got captured, now you must pay the price."

Joey pushed himself up off the floor and made a move to get to the door. "I am not letting any of you fucking maniacs touch me."

"Oh, but I believe you will. If you don't acquiesce to our agreement, after we capture Corey, we'll find the fat clown and force you to lay with him." Alexi grinned wickedly. "The choice is yours."

That stopped Joey from his attempts to break down the door. He stared at Alexi with a disgusted look on his face. "No way am I letting Shawn get within two feet of me." He sighed, rolled his eyes, and let himself fall into the role of helpless hostage. "What are your conditions, then?"

"I believe I asked you how you performed," Alexi said, raising his chin.

Joey shrugged. "I guess I do alright. Never had anyone complain."

"That'll do. Henkka, restrain him."

Joey gasped indignantly as he was dragged to a backroom where a bed was and shoved down onto it. He struggled when Henkka grasped his wrists and tied them to the headboard. Janne ran after them and stood at the foot of the bed, still recording.

"This is gonna make one hell of a war movie documentary," Henkka said once Joey was completely tied down, by both wrists and ankles. He'd had to do some improvising to make Joey fit, as he was shorter than the usual man, but Henkka had managed to get the job done.

"Is that what you're doing?" Joey gasped out. "Making a movie?"

"Well, yeah. Nice that you've caught on," Janne grinned. "And might I say, you fit beautifully in the lens."

Henkka caught first sight of what was coming down the hall and immediately began laughing hysterically. He stepped away from the door as Alexi waltzed in, dubbed out in camouflage combats and a war helmet. He marched in front of the video camera and posed, then spun around and posed again. Janne held his stomach as he laughed and tried to stay upright to hold the recorder still. While Alexi posed, Henkka knelt next to Joey's ear and whispered:

"Now, listen, you know we're recording this. The scene is: you're the little, unwilling hostage that has to please General Laiho. But remember, you gotta be, like, well ... unwilling. Got it?"

Joey looked at him in disbelief for a moment before sighing and nodding. He feigned a look of fear as Alexi turned to him with a toss of his hair.

Henkka leaned against the wall, still amused at how completely insane Alexi looked. Janne had calmed down and was concentrating on getting a good angle. As Alexi climbed onto the bed and stalked up, covering Joey's body with his own, Janne moved around from the foot of the bed to the side so he could get a wide shot of everything.

Alexi took Joey's chin in his hand and jerked it up so their eyes would meet. A manic grin crossed his face before he kissed Joey's nose, then slid down and started unbuttoning Joey's shirt. He got frustrated after two buttons and ripped the shirt open, sending black buttons flying in all directions. Janne and Henkka ducked to avoid them, but Henkka got hit in the eye and fell to the floor, making Janne nearly collapse in convulsions of laughter that time.

"Beg for your chastity to stay intact," Janne waveringly instructed, waving his hand frantically at Joey, who was getting a little too comfortable in his role.

Joey quickly wiped the hazy smile off his face and made it morph into a look of fear. He squirmed around, pulling dramatically at his restraints, but couldn't suppress the gasp of pleasure as Alexi roughly grasped his erection through the tight leather pants he had on. Joey's mouth fell open and he stared wide-eyed at Alexi. Janne chuckled and spanned the camera to Henkka, who was pretending to guard the door with his arms crossed over his chest. He cut back to the bed when Joey let out a loud groan.

Alexi had managed to pull Joey's pants down to his ankles, but couldn't get them off because of the rope that secured Joey to the bed. Janne laughed again to see that Joey's groan was one of frustration, not pleasure, because Alexi couldn't pry his legs apart enough to get in between them.

"Goddamnit, Henkka, don't you know how the fuck to tie someone down?!" Alexi screeched. He bent over the bed, giving Janne a good shot of his ass, and while he lost his helmet, he came back up with a knife.

"Oh, shit," Joey sighed, huffing his hair out of his face.

Alexi sawed the rope off Joey's ankles, freeing his legs. He threw the knife into the wall, where it stuck like an arrow on a target. He reached back down to the floor and retrieved his helmet to complete his 'look', then turned back at Joey.

"Okay," he said, somewhat exasperated, crawling between Joey's legs.

Henkka did a detective roll across the floor and landed in front of the camera, hairbrush in hand. "We're in minute thirty-two of this hostage situation and things look to be quickly transgressing. Let's get a word with the maniac war-hero-gone-mad." He backed up to the bed and blinked mildly as Alexi shimmied out of his combats. "Excuse me, sir, but what are your plans for the evening? Are we going to see any desecration other than this? Death, perhaps?"

Alexi shook his head, tossing the pants to the floor. He grabbed the hairbrush and turned to the camera, helmet sliding around his head so that the back was in the front. "Death is an option," he said seriously, "But probably not something we'll do unless we fail to capture the other soldier involved. Generals Raatikainen and Latvala should return by daybreak either with or without him, then we will debate whether or not to kill this small one." He looked Joey up and down and Joey perked a brow, pursing his lips together to keep from cracking up. "Though he doesn't seem like much of a threat."

Janne kept the camera up with his right hand while he turned his back and looked through the dresser top. He found a pouch of lube and tossed it to Henkka, who gave it to Alexi, who didn't look like he had been planning to use any but opened it anyway. He cautiously sniffed it and squirted a little bit onto his fingers.

"Cinnamon?" he asked skeptically. He looked beyond the camera to stare at Janne. "This'd better not burn my fucking dick off or it'll be yours that gets burned next, but over an open flame."

Janne shrugged, having never used cinnamon lube before.

Alexi narrowed his eyes and slathered it over his prominent erection. He paused a moment, as if waiting for something bad to happen, but eventually shrugged and aligned himself with Joey's completely unprepared opening. Joey opened his mouth to complain, but was silenced for a split moment as Alexi forced himself in with one violent thrust. Once that split second was over, Joey let out an ear-piercing scream of pain that made everyone wince except Alexi, who could still do better. He nodded and turned around to look at the camera, offering a wicked grin and a thumbs-up sign.

Henkka stared open-mouthed as he watched the lewd act taking place right in front of him. His hand tightened around the hairbrush and he moved so that only half his head was in the camera. "Uh, this is quite an interesting display we're witnessing here. Any ... comments?" He sighed, giving up, as both the men on the bed had seemingly forgotten the objective of the movie.

Joey was not acting like the victim he should have been. He was crying out no longer in pain, but in pleasure and moving to every thrust Alexi gave. Alexi reached down and pumped Joey's leaking cock, shouting out profanities as he pushed harder and deeper.

Janne brought the camera away from his face and wiped the lens, as it was beginning to fog up. He and Henkka exchanged looks and shrugged, then looked back to the bed. Alexi tilted his head back and with one last shrieking howl, emptied himself inside Joey. Joey cringed, and it seemed almost that he was coming back into his intended role for a moment, but Alexi kept jerking him off until a euphoric look crossed his face and he came against Alexi's stomach. The two collapsed together, breathing hard.

Henkka came to stand in front of the camera, obscuring any view of Joey and Alexi. "May I just say, this was one of the most interesting hostage situations I've ever been a part of. It's been a pleasure being your newscaster for the night. Janne, come take the microphone. I believe I hear a commotion taking place outside."

Janne and Henkka switched places and they hurried outside, where Jaska and Roope were holding down a struggling, shouting Corey Taylor. When Corey saw that he was being recorded, he shot his middle finger into the air. Jaska wrapped a hand in his hair and yanked him inside the bus.

Jaska held Corey down on his stomach while Roope wrapped rope around his ankles and wrists. Corey squirmed and fought against his restraints once he was let go, wriggling around on the floor like a fish out of water.

"Get these fucking things the fuck off me, you motherfuckers!" Corey screamed, banging his legs against the floor in a tantrum.

Janne laughed as he knelt down beside Corey. He looked into the camera and tried to keep a straight face. "I'm your reporter, Janne Warman, coming to you live from the scenic Hate Crew tour bus, where master mind criminal, Corey Taylor, has finally been captured by authorities." He turned to Corey and put an inquisitive look on his face. "Do you have anything to say for yourself, to perhaps get you out of this seemingly hopeless situation?"

Corey looked at the hairbrush and scrunched his eyebrows. "Yeah I have somethin' to say: fuck all of you! Can't take a fucking joke, you bunch of--"

He was cut off as a paintball gun was suddenly fired, hitting him in the arm. He let out a yell, then another as he caught sight of a very naked Alexi, wearing only his war helmet. Despite the pain of the shot, Corey fell backwards, laughing.

"You have one chance to surrender," Alexi said, striding over and standing over Corey, pointing the barrel of the gun against Corey's forehead. "Surrender and I let you and the little one live. Refuse and you both die."

The corners of Corey's mouth trembled as he almost lost control of himself. He shook his head and heaved a sigh. "Okay. I surrender."

War yells erupted from the band and they pumped their fists in the air. Henkka spanned around the room, catching everyone's reaction. Janne and Corey were rolling on the floor, laughing. Alexi ran into the back room and untied Joey, who came out in only his pants since his shirt had been torn apart. He carried the shirt scrunched in his hand.

The first thing Joey did when he entered the room was walk up to Corey, sit on his chest, and slap the hell out of him. "You son of a bitch!" Joey shrieked, pummeling the singer until he was finally pulled off by Jaska. "If you ever get me into anything like this again, I'm going to fucking kill you!"

Janne gathered himself up from the floor and fixed his hair, then pushed Henkka away so that only he was in the shot. "And all works out alright in the end. The Hate Crew successfully defeats two members of the Mutant Army, and all is right in the world until the next shot is fired. This has been Janne Warman reporting. Good news, and good night."

@};--;---