Blood red October

Disclaimer: I don't own these people, and you know it!


Blood red October

I blew off the candle, and watched how it made a beautiful smoke all over the room. The smoke surrounded me everywhere. It took control of the room and I just flew away with it. Through the window, outside our house, to the sea and there I was ripped off from the smoke. It left me there, dropped me and I sank. I sank without a word, I wanted to scream,
but I just couldn’t.
Finally the room darkened totally, even the little sparkle at the end of the candles heart died. The room smelt like smoke, and distantly lavender. I had sleeping problems so I had to use lavender oils in my sheets and pillows.
He was late again. Maybe that was why I couldn’t sleep. He never was home when he said he would be. Always an hour, or two late. He thought I didn’t know what he was doing, but I did. I always did. It wasn’t enough for him, that he had already left me alone in our band, no. I always waited the day he would come to me and say that he’s gonna leave me for some other guy. But my waiting was pointless. Even though he had heart to cheat me, he didn’t have heart to leave me. Sometimes I tried to think, why he cheated on me. Maybe it was, because I was so cold. But then again, what kept him with me? Did he pity me? Well, I didn’t need that. I could take care of myself, or maybe not. But what was that to him, if he had someone else to care about, someone else to love. Maybe he really did have this other guy cause of my coldness, cause I didn’t have any feelings. Well, I actually had quite a lot of feelings, just like all others did. I just didn’t show my feelings. I kind of had created this shell, this shield, that always was so unbreakable… but on the other hand, when he was there, it was so breakable, I was so breakable. He knew why I had my shield. He was the only one. He was also the only one, who could crack it and he knew that too well. Maybe that was why he didn’t leave me, he knew that no one else could take care of me, but him. Did he really want to take care of me? I don’t know, and I don’t care. As long as he stays with me, I don’t care.
I heard a little knock on our front door, which made me wake up from my thoughts. I walked down the stairs, straight to our front door and opened it.

- Hi honey! Gackt said merrily, waived his hand through Manas hair and just walked by him. Ignored him. Mana felt, like someone had just ripped his heart off and jumped on it, and that someone was Gackt. Not even a kiss or anything?

- Hi… Mana mumbled as an answer. He looked at the clock on the wall next to him. It was 2.30am. He had said, that he would be back by eleven. Three and half hours late. Mana felt like crushed. He had never been late that much.

- Gosh! I’m so tired! Mnnh… I just want to go to sleep, aren’t you coming? Mana was still standing on the front door, but that woke him up.

- Oh… yes, I’ll be right there, I’ll just go brush my teeth first. Manas eyes were ice, the coldest heart of the coldest winter.

Oh… so you’re tired? Why am I not a bit suprised? Did you have a rough night with your lover? Gosh! Why am I so bitter? I’m supposed to be happy, cause he’s still here with me! cause he hasn’t left me totally, not physically, only by his heart. Only his love has left me, not his thoughts or anything else. Besides, he at least must think that I’m a good pal, or something like that. I mean… he still lives with me, eats with me, talks to me… spends time with me. He just doesn’t love me anymore. And why am I so addicted to him, why do I need him so much? Am I just so fucking pathetic, that I can’t live without him? I am.

Why is Mana so distant to me these days? Does he know? I at least think, that he suspects something. But still, why doesn’t he say anything? Doesn’t he care? He used to care oh, well… maybe his shell has taken over him also inside, and maybe he has lost his true self for his shell. I just don’t understand. He was distant, before I started to see Ren, but now he’s even more distant. If he knows what I’m doing, he should also know why am I doing this. But that he just simply can’t know… maybe I should tell him, maybe I should just brake the bubble. No, not just yet, I just don’t want to hurt him. Oh, now he comes. He’s so beautiful, and I love him. I just wish I hadn’t done anything with Ren, or at least that he would know, why I did it. Would he forgive me?

Mana spread the cream that had left over from his face to his hands as he walked towards their bed, witch called him to sink deep in the red, soft sheets. In dreams, where these feelings wouldn’t haunt him. Ever since he had been sure about what Gackt was doing behind his back, he couldn’t eat proper food anymore, couldn’t sleep properly anymore. He actually couldn’t do anything properly anymore. He just was. He climbed to the bed next to Gackt. Gackt gave Mana a little kiss on his forehead and turned the light off.

- Good night, Hime-chan. Mana stiffened, Gackt hadn’t used this name about him for ages, he had almost forgotten it himself. It was when everything was awesome between them, when Gackt had called him like that. It brought all these good memories so brightly back to his mind.

- Good night, Mana said back and tried to hide his shaky voice. Gackt had turned his back at Mana and he thought Gackt was asleep, after all, he had had a rough night.

Hime-chan… Hime… it is so long ago, when he last called me that. I’ve become better with my shell, it doesn’t let me down as often, as it used to. But still, now I can’t handle this, this is just too much for me.

A/N
Yeah, i know it sucks, but still... wouldn't mind if youd review, if you happen to read it.
The whole story is actually written already, but I'll drop it in a little parts, 'cause I'm a bastard.