There Are Pregnant Vampires on 'Buffy'

Summary: Hayden knows things, and Ewan swears a lot. Then they have sex. This was inspired by a conversation with 'gigglestheblood', in which it was determined that, at the very least, there had never been a story where Hayden was both pregnant AND a vampire. Until now, of course.

This is totally a parody, with no disrespect meant to either of these respectable actors, or any of the 'serious' Ewan/Hayden fans/shippers out there. Also, I know it's trite to say that a story was "written on a sugar high at like, three in the morning", but I literally started this around 1 AM after coming home from seeing "The 40-Year-Old Virgin", so in this case, it's totally true. And uh. Sorry.

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There Are Pregnant Vampires on 'Buffy'

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Ewan McGregor was walking along one day, being super fabulous, even though he was fully-clothed (it was somewhat cold in London where he was, and he had learned from experience that frostbite on his nipples was not a good aphrodysiac), when his cell phone rang, as was its primary function.

It was Hayden, whose name was "Sugarbear" in Ewan's phone directory, because Hayden had snatched it out of his pocket at one point and programmed it in there himself, interrupting a rather important hand-job. Ewan forgave him, though, because Hayden blew him in his trailer on the set of "Star Wars" instead. "'Ello," he said into the mouthpiece in his charmingly un-American way. "What the fuck do you want, then?"

"Hello, sweetielumpkins," Hayden said, not put off at all by his swearing, because Ewan said a lot of the same types of things when they fucked, so it usually made him hard. "I'm hard now," he said honestly, because Hayden was a pretty terrible liar. And an awful poker player. And kind of a bland actor. And really, if he didn't usually have a make-up person around to tie his shoes and wipe the spittle off his chin, Ewan kind of wondered how he managed at all. But he WAS pretty, and that was really half the battle. The other half was that Hayden had a mouth like a vacuum hose.

"I have something I need to tell you," Hayden continued after Ewan didn't say anything for about two-and-a-half minutes, as he was lost in his inner-monologue. "But it's sort of a difficult thing to tell you over the phone," he continued worriedly.

"Well, where are you, then?" Ewan asked, having at this point stopped fashionably in the middle of the sidewalk.

"At your apartment," Hayden answered.

"That's ... convenient," Ewan sighed. His brow furrowed, which made a female eavesdropper bystander swoon and pass out. An old man walking by stepped over her, and his pet poodle peed on her jacket, but nobody really noticed because she wasn't Ewan McGregor. Who, of course, was still confused-looking. "How did you get into my apartment?" he asked Hayden. "I never gave you a key."

"Oh, it was locked," Hayden lamented. "So I threw a rock at the window and climbed in through your bathroom."

"You threw a - oh, fucking-a," Ewan swore, slamming the phone shut and stuffing it into the pocket of his very stylish jeans. (This, of course, meant that he missed Hayden's groan of delight as he spontaneously orgasmed at the utterance of naughty words.) He quickly hopped aboard his motorcycle, which had seemingly appeared out of nowhere because he was Ewan fucking McGregor and he could do that, and drove rogueishly fast to his apartment building, where he saw that Hayden had, indeed, broken his bathroom window, AND left the screen on the lawn, to boot.

"Hayden," Ewan said crossly when he stomped into the apartment, after a mandatory-yet-unnecessary-to-describe sequence where he had to locate his keys and lock up his motorcycle and fit the screen back into his broken window. "Where are you, Hayden? And why are you here?" He soon received an answer to his first question when he entered his bedroom, to find Hayden sitting atop his mattress, naked.

"I'm in your room, naked," Hayden volunteered, blinking at him. "I'm also pregnant. And a vampire," he added. "That's what I couldn't tell you over the phone."

"You ... what?" Ewan said, for once realizing what it meant to be rendered speechless.

"I'm pregnant and I'm a vampire," Hayden repeated, more slowly this time.

"I ... huh?" Ewan managed this time.

"I'm pregnant an-"

"No, I heard you, Hayden, okay? Fuck," Ewan sighed frustratedly, running his hand through his hair. The overall effect was not lost on Hayden, as most things were, and even though the promise of his youthfully spontaneous erection was tempting, Ewan knew there were more important things to attend to at the immediate moment.

"Okay, let's work through this," he said carefully, speaking slowly for Hayden's benefit. "How did you get pregnant?"

"I thought that was obvious," Hayden said, smiling coyly, his erection swelling a little - 'nice', Ewan thought - "from you, silly goose."

"From me," Ewan repeated dubiously. Hayden nodded. "When?"

"I think it was a few weeks ago," Hayden offered. "I had a suspicion when I started having morning sickness, but I wanted to go to the doctor before I told you just to be sure."

Ewan had to sit down. So he did, on the bed, since he didn't have the foresight to put a chair in his bedroom in case of situations like these. He ignored Hayden's hopeful gaze and his interesting penis for now and made to continue the conversation. "The doctor didn't seem ... put off when you walked into his office pregnant?" he asked.

"Oh, no," Hayden replied breezily, waving his hand. "Celebrity male pregnancies are very common these days. First there was Arnold Schwarzenegger, and now it's practically a trend. Tom Cruise even had post-partem depression after his," he explained.

"I see," Ewan said, still digesting this and not quite entirely sure how he had come to be having this discussion still. "So assuming you ARE pregnant," he said, "how is it that you're a vampire as well?"

"Well, to become a vampyre," Hayden said, trying to sound mysterious and spelling it with a 'y'. "You have to be bitten."

"And you were ... bitten?"

Hayden nodded.

Ewan stared at his face, and then momentarily down at Hayden's crotch, and then reluctantly back up to his face again. "I just ... this is so fucking weird," he balked. "I have to be dreaming, or something. I need to lay off the drugs, I think."

"It would be a rather bad thing to do in front of our baby," Hayden agreed.

At this point, Ewan was rather impressively frustrated. He rubbed the palms of his hands edgily up and down the legs of his designer jeans, and let out a breath very slowly. "This is not happening," he told himself out loud, making it sound like a mantra. "Hayden Christensen is not sitting on my bed naked, telling me that he is a pregnant vampire. He did not throw a bloody rock at my bloody bathroom window. And - and vampires can't even get pregnant," he exclaimed righteously, jabbing a finger triumphantly at Hayden. "Ergo, you are not a pregnant vampire."

"I am so," Hayden argued. "And they can too get pregnant. There are pregnant vampires on 'Buffy'," he clarified.

"I - you watch -" Ewan trailed off and, fed up at last with his current situation, wound up and punched Hayden in the face. Blood trickled out of his nose. "Bollocks," he swore Britishly. "I'm sorry, Hayden," he said (apologetically). "But that hurt me worse than it hurt you."

"Ah dun fink so," Hayden said, pinching his nostrils shut. Ewan handed him a few tissues from his bedside table (often used to absorb other liquids besides blood), and waited while Hayden cleaned himself up.

"So assuming that you have ... our baby," he sighed, "what are you going to do with it?"

"Well, raise it, of course," Hayden said, his nose mostly unbloody now. "I thought we could do it together," he continued dreamily. "Just think: it will have my eyes, your penis ..."

"It better have my bloody penis," Ewan grumped, his gaze softening as he glanced down again at Hayden's (not soft) cock. "Although I suppose your penis isn't bad, either."

"Oh, lovelykins, you're too kind," Hayden cooed. He twirled a strand of hair around his finger excitedly and even bounced a little. "So can I move in with you?"

"I ... this is all moving so fast for me," Ewan said, holding up his hand. "I mean, my place is hardly big enough to accomodate you AND the new baby girl or boy --"

"It's a boy," Hayden interrupted. "I already checked. I want to name him Obi-Wan."

"Yes, right," Ewan pressed on. "Whatever. But that still doesn't take care of living arrangements, and ... I'm pretty sure I have a girlfriend or something ..." He trailed off, and was about to continue his current train of thought, when another one intersected it and took over. "Wait," he said, jumping up defiantly from the bed and pacing for good measure and dramatic effect, because Ewan McGregor was an actor and so this was expected of him, even in his day-to-day affairs. "Bloody fucking wait," he frowned, crossing his arms and glaring at Hayden's rosy erection. "You cannot be a vampire, Hayden," he said. "And I'll tell you why. Vampires cannot withstand sunlight," he said. "And you have definitely been out in the sun before with me."

"I ... was wearing a special sunlight-protective ring?" Hayden said weakly. "It doesn't apply when I'm riding on the back of your bike with a helmet on?" Ewan continued to give him a really hard, stern stare, and he winced. Even his erection wilted a bit. "Okay, okay," he relented. "I'm involved in this ongoing roleplaying game up in Canada," he explained. "We meet once a month at this old warehouse and --"

"Hayden, will you bloody well shut the fuck up and get over here so I can fuck your fucking brains out, already?" Ewan interrupted.

Hayden blinked. "Okay," he agreed happily, his erection back in full force. So they shagged hard and often, and a few months later, Hayden had a baby girl, because the penis he thought she had was actually her arm. He named her Darla, after the original pregnant vampire who filled him with such inspiration to begin with, and he and Ewan and their new family lived happily ever after. Though really, there were days when Ewan wished he hadn't knocked Hayden up.