You're a Sad, Sad Little Man

Disclaimer: I do not own Green Day or anything except for Maria. I do not make money from this story.

"I'm a huge fan of Green Day and I have been ever since Dookie came out! You guys are so talented and OH MY GOD!! I can't believe it!! FUCKING BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG JUST WALKED IN THE ROOM!!!!"

Mike just walked off as he hoarsely mumbled under his breath words he had wanted to say to Billie Joe for a long time. They were best friends and so close, as close as two straight men can be without it seeming strange.

But things changed, greatly, after American Idiot came out. Of course Billie had been the favorite since the beginning but it seemed like during this tour he let it all go to his head. Instead of being the dorky but lovable guy he became the suave, smooth operator to the ladies. And where's the fun in that? Billie spent most of his time after the shows flirting with woman and getting as many numbers as he could for the next time they came to that town and as little time as he could with the guys.

Of course Mike would be the first to admit that he too spent time trying to seduce woman to get them to come to his dressing room but not to the extent that Billie did. He understood that the bitterness towards Billie stemmed from the jealousy that he couldn't get as many herds of woman to fawn over him.


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"Happy Birthday Mikey boy!" Billie sang in perfect pitch from outside of Mike's tour bus.

"May fourth already. Super."

Mike crawled up from off the floor he had fallen asleep on and went over to the door. He never really enjoyed birthdays but this one was going to be different and he was going to make sure of that.

"What do you want shitface?" Mike was taken back by the cake with what looked like a hundred lit candles on it that was being held with much care in Billie's arms.

"That's not what you ask someone who could set you aflame this very second." Billie smiled and nodded towards the cake.

"Make your fucking wish already bugbrain."


Mike held his breath, astonished at himself for thinking up such a horrible wish but then he decided he'd wish for it anyway.

"I wish that Billie would have to be himself around woman. He can't lie or anything. Ha, that's kinda mean but fuck that it's my birthday, I want some ladies!"


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"Great show guys!"

"Thanks man!"


Billie was growing more and more impatient as the minutes passed. It seemed like only men decided to come to this show. Sure he loves all his fans but as we all must remember Billie is a man.

"Finally, prison bait!" Billie thought he said mentally when in actuality the words flowed out of his mouth easily.

"Excuse me?" the woman hissed as she placed her hands on her hips.

"Ugh...bye!"

Billie ran off unsure of what just happened. He decided to just brush it aside figuring the next girl would be hotter anyway.

"Shit yeah, a pack of girls"

A group of about five friends huddled close to each other backstage hungering for a chance to meet the band, especially Billie Joe.

"I bet he's hotter in person."

"Oh, totally. But imagine how hot he'll be if he is!!"

"OOO.. I can not wait but do you think he'll actually stop to talk to us?"

"Hello ladies." Billie smirked at one girl in particular who wore a short skirt, and low top which was glowing like a neon light saying "I am willing".

The girls crowded around him as Mike looked on in disgust. "I just don't get it."

"I do. He's the lead singer, 'nuff said." Tre rubbed away the makeup from under his eyes. He stopped and grinned at himself while looking in the mirror. "I am a sexy bitch."

Billie pulled the whore girl aside so they could have a private chat.

"What's your name?"

"Cindy."

"Oh, fuck no. I have an ex named that she was a total slut with a capital 's'. She dressed like you too!"

Cindy's hand stung as it smacked Billie's right cheek. He could feel exactly where his face was turning red.

Not only had he lost Cindy but he lost the four friends as well, all to Tre and Mike. Billie was seriously considering going to a doctor to figure out why or how he lost his inner voice. But instead opted to just dust himself off and keep trying until he won. He tried and tried...and tried...


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"Am I the sexiest girl you've ever seen?"

"Nope."

BAM!

"Oww..."

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"Did you just fart?"

"Yeah..I didn't think you'd care 'cause you're not that lady like."

BAM!

"Ahhh.."

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"Are you just trying to get into my pants?"

"Yeah, aren't you just trying to fuck me so you can brag about it to all your friends?"

"What?"

Billie bit his lip to keep from saying anything else. She hadn't slapped him yet so it was a good sign..if only he could keep his mouth shut.

"I said..what?"

"*sigh* You heard me you groupie!"

Billie winced before she even raised her hand towards him. It was going to be a long night.

BAM! BAM!

"Ahhh...son of a bitch on crack."

"Did you just call me a son of a bitch on crack?"

She didn't even wait for a response.

BAM!

"Hmm...mph...mm...orm...frm"


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"Are my boobs big?"

"You have boobs?"

BAM!

"Ahh...fuck...mommy! "

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Billie was reduced to a self-pitying, wallowing, fool crying on the ground. The marks on his cheeks from the many slappings all formed the perfect shape of a hand. Tre and Mike, surrounded by girls, looked on. Mike regretted making that wish but then noticed the hot brunette to his right and realized all in the world was right.


"This isn't the bathroom either." an obviously drunk girl said as she opened the door to the room the near orgy party..and Billie...were in. Billie didn't bother to look at her figuring he'd fuck that one up too. Another girl with a man draped over her arms came up behind her asking "Did you find it?"

"No. Is Jack ok?"

"I hope so."


As the other woman and Jack left she shot an awkward look at Billie. "What's wrong with the little one?"

Mike looked her square in the eyes causing the girl to cower slightly. "I dunno. He won't tell us."

"Hey, skinny midget with really, really over gelled or whatever hair...what's wrong?"

Billie still didn't look up and refused to respond over and over again. The girl stormed over to Billie and kicked him making him roll over onto his back and let out a yelp.

"I'm sorry..ha..I mean..really, so sorry. Ha!"

"Why are you laughing?"

"Umm..did you have problems with your girlfriend or something?"

"What?" Then Billie remembered all the slaps he received early. "Not exactly my girlfriend. I don't have one."

"Ah, I see. Do you know where the bathroom is I am about to piss my pants and their new."

"Billie say yes and take her to your dressing room. You have a chance with this one...come on....she's so fucking hot."

"Thank you! You're not too bad yourself for a really whiney pussy."

Billie's eyes bulged out of his skull. "Damn you whoever took my inner voice!"

Mike coughed and turned away from the scene to his left.

"Yeah I know where the bathroom is."

"You're not going to take me to your dressing room and warp my young and fragile mind are you?"

"No, but I want to warp more than your mind on you."

"Oo...I'm Maria by the way."

Billie stood up with a smile spread across his face. "Billie Joe."

The two walked around the confusing backstage mess trying to find out where the bathroom was. It turns out Billie only knew the location of the men's room.

"Oh, fuck it! I'll piss in the guy's room."

Maria ran down the hall, dodging every obstacle that came in her way. Billie watched as her breasts barely bounced. He noticed nothing but her which included the box that was right in his path. Billie fell, head first, onto the ground. He felt something start gushing out of his nose as Maria picked him up.

"Oh, put your head back. Or is it forwards? God damn it. I can't remember."

Billie allowed the tears to start falling down his blood drenched, hand marked face.

"FUCK IT. I look like a pussy. She will never like me. FUCK IT ALL TO HELL."

Maria slipped her hands into Billie's and dragged him down towards the bathroom. Finally they made it to the sacred facility of the numbers one and two.


"Ok, as you clean up be my lookout. Make sure no guys come in 'cause that'll be plain weird."

As Maria made her way into the first stall, the light went out.

"I can't find the toilet paper!"

Billie pulled out his Zippo lighter and walked over to the stall. He slid the lighter under the door and let Maria use it during her journey to find the toilet paper.

After everyone was finished freshening up the twosome decided to just sit and chat in the bathroom under the beautiful glow of the Zippo's flame.

"You're not at all how I pictured you being."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not really sure. I guess I thought you'd be more..."
"Cool?"
'Not to be rude but yeah. That and smooth with the ladies. You just seem normal."
"That's only because I can't lie or anything."
"Ri-i-ght..you're crazy"

Billie stared deep into her as the light flickered onto her skin.

"God, she's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen."

"Wow did I underestimate you. You are an evil genius. Acting all normal and saying you can't lie and then, pow, you hit me with that. You are smooth. Making me think you can't lie...then saying that...you are good."

"I'm not kidding I really can't lie. Just test me,ask me anything."

"Oh, like I really know what to ask you."

"I really like you just in case you're doubting that."

"I know. You're obviously trying to fuck me"

"I am an obsessive boyfriend who has trust issues. I always think my girlfriend is lying and most of the time my assumptions are correct. I have a strange fetish with kissing guys and I'm really not that big downstairs and I'm not too sure I know how to use it either. A few woman have told me that I was their worst shag. Quite a few...Do you believe me now? I can't lie."

Maria burst into an uncontrollable fit of giggles. Billie just sat there patiently, waiting for her to just say she doesn't like him and walk off. Instead she leaned in close and whispered in a voice that drove Billie crazy "You're a sad, sad, little man."

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Maria laid in Billie's arms trying to remember the night before. Billie was sleeping calmly. She brushed his now only slightly bruised cheek gently before kissing it. "You were no where close to my worst shag." she purred into his ear as she got up and dressed.

"Really? You're not lying now are you?"

"You never know." Maria winked playfully and started out the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

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Mike opened the door to Billie's room. He peered around the corner and watched a lonely Billie sleep. He couldn't help but smile as he realized his wish had come true. Mike went off back to his bed and wrapped the covers around his body. The three girls that surrounded him where all going to leave him soon, never to be heard from again. That thought made him sad and realize that what he really wanted he didn't get. And unknown to him, what he really wanted was what Billie got.