Tre's Cousin

Disclaimer: I don't own them, screw them, or know them. I make no money. I own Jenny though. Mine! Oh, and the song is property of Bardot.

A/N: Billie Joe and Adrienne are divorced in this fic.

Thank you's at the end of the story.

Tre's Cousin

Girls do, boys don't
Girls say what boys won't

"My baby cousin's coming to visit." Tre announced the second he stepped into Billie Joe's house.

"Baby cousin?" Mike asked, appearing from the living room to rummage threw Bilie Joe's refrigerator.

"She's seventeen." Tre said proudly. "And I get her for a week."

"Who in their right mind would give you a teenager?" Billie asked.

Tre pretended to be hurt. "Honestly, Billie Joe, you'd think I wasn't godfather of your children or something."

"I knew one day that would come back to bite me in the ass." Billie did a double take. "Wait. She? You're baby-sitting a seventeen year old teenager girl for a week? Are her parents on drugs?"

"I don't think so." Tre said, confused. "Why's it matter if she's a girl?"

"Your funeral." Billie Joe said promptly. "I'm so glad I had boys."

"You know her." Mike said, emerging from the fridge with a carton of orange juice, which he opened and drank without getting a glass. "Isn't she that little girl with the pink hair?"

"Yeah. But I don't think it's pink anymore." Tre said.

"Her?" Billie asked. "The one who used to steal my cigarettes?"

"Yeah."

Billie groaned.

---

Jenny Andrews had light lavender hair now and she wore it down instead of in pigtails. Her eyes were rimmed in purple eyeshadow and she wore ripped jeans and a My Chemical Romance shirt. Lavender lipgloss.

Your average light-hearted punk who threw her arms around Tre the second she saw him. "Hi!" Her voice was high-pitched, even more so when she shrieked like a typical teenager would upon seeing her favorite cousin.

Tre hugged her and lifted her about an inch off the ground before setting her down. "Jenny." he said in a bad imitation of Forrest Gump.

"Fuck off." the girl said laughing.

Tre pointed at the two guys behind him. "You remember Mike and Billie Joe, right?"

"So, where are we going?" she asked after they had claimed their luggage and climbed into Tre's SUV.

"Where else?" Tre asked. "We're going to annoy Billie Joe."

---

"She's really annoying." Billie told Tre after Mike and Jenny disappeared into the living room to argue about movies.

"I told her to be." Tre said triumphantly. "I said 'annoy Billie Joe or else' and she did." He grinned. "I love manipulating young children."

"Remind me that you're never baby-sitting again." Billie said, pulling a beer out of the fridge.

---

Meanwhile, Jenny had abandoned one of Billie Joe's many shelves of DVDs. "So, are you two dating?" she asked Mike casually.

"Who?" Mike asked, still scanning for the Exorcist.

"You and Billie Joe." Jenny said, half-heartedly reading the back of some porn flick that had to do with aliens.

Mike gave her a weird look. "No. Tre tell you that?"

"Well, he said you lived together." Jenny replied. "But I thought after that look he gave you in the kitchen that you were probably together."

"What look?" Mike asked. Not as if he were interested, but as if he needed something to laugh at.

Jenny's mind cackled evilly. "When he checked out your ass."

"W-What?!"

At that point Billie Joe and Tre entered with alcoholic beverages.

Jenny covered Mike's embarassment by waving the DVD she held above her head. "Nice taste in movies, Billie Joe."

Tre snickered.

---

"Look, I'm half a block from Mike's house. Jenny's right on your way to the restaurant, so just pick her up, Billie Joe."

"But I don't want a seventeen-year-old girl in my car." Billie protested.

"She's doesn't have fucking cooties."

"I'm more worried about rabies."

"Just pick her up!" Tre said, hanging up his cell phone and turning the radio up.

---

"Nice car." Jenny said, opening the door and slipping inside. "You're better at the whole rockstar life than thing is. An SVU? So bad for the environment and they explode and they're just ugly."

"Buckle." Billie Joe said, pulling out of the parking lot.

"You don't like me very much, do ya?" Jenny asked. "But, I mean that's cool. I know you like guys and everything."

Thank God they were at a stop light because Billie Joe turned his head so fast to look at Jenny that his neck cracked. "What?"

"Green light." Jenny said. "Is it okay if I smoke?" she asked as Billie Joe stepped on the gas.

He shrugged. "What did you mean by that whole guy statement?" he asked as Jenny rolled down her window and lit a Marlboro.

"I know about you and Mike." she said, putting the cigarette to her lips.

Billie stopped for another red light. "What about me and Mike?" he asked.

"Oh. You mean you're not together?" Jenny asked innocently. "I just thought . . . Well, I mean you live together and the way you were acting last night."

"What are you talking about?" Billie asked as the light turned green.

"Well, the way you were cuddling up with him during the movie. I thought it was sweet. Like you'd never seen The Exorcist before." Jenny said smiling.

"I hate scary movies." Billie said by way of explanation.

"But you were cuddling!" Jenny said as if it were the cutest thing she'd ever seen. "And he had his arm around you. And the way he looked at you in the kitchen." She let out a low whistle.

"What? What in the kitchen?"

"When he checked out your ass." Jenny said. Oh, this was too easy. She always loved playing matchmaker. Ever since she saw Fiddler on the Roof in second grade.

They were pulling into the restaurant by this time. "You're insane." Billie Joe said. "And put that cigarette out. Tre'll kill me if he knows I let you smoke."

"Tre bought me the cigarettes."

---

"She'll only be there for a day." Tre said. "I'm begging you, Billie Joe. I've got to do this. She'll kill me if I don't go. It's only one day and one night. Please?"

"What did Mike say?"

"Mike said he didn't give a shit."

"Fine." Billie swore. "What time are you bringing her over?"

"In about an hour." Tre said. "And be nice."

"I'm always nice."

"You're never nice."

"Fuck off."

"Point proven."

---

Billie Joe was out getting pizza. Which he detested. Not the getting pizza, but the leaving Mike and Jenny home. Together. Alone. Talking.

Because Mike and Jenny talked constantly. And whenever he came into the room during one of their discussions, Mike blushed and Jenny babbled some excuse meant to impune Billie Joe's honor or something.

Was Jenny filling Mike's head with the same bullshit he had fed her in the car the other day?

Except . . . if she was talking to Mike about that . . . it really wasn't bullshit. Billie swore as he got cut off in the parking lot. "Son of a bitch!"

He hit his head on the wheel after he parked, emitting a loud blaring note from the horn that caused several people to glance his way.

Swearing, he stormed inside only to be told in would be another ten minutes before his pizza was ready. Swearing more, he stormed back outside to light a cigarette.

He was going to murder Tre! His stupid 'oh I'm so innocent' cousin. Sitting at home convincing Mike that Billie Joe was in love him. Probably making Mike think he was sick.

Billie Joe wasn't young enough to think Mike would hate him. They kissed on stage often enough and had been living together long enough and Mike knew he was bi and Billie Joe was the only one who knew Mike didn't completely cancel guys out.

He was old enough to understand their relationship would change if Mike knew. He lit another cigarette.

He'd been in love with Mike since 1998. Since he and Adie had that fight and Mike had driven to three bars before he found the right one. Since Mike tucked him into the bed in the guest bedroom of his house and kissed his forehead and left.

Seven years is a long time.

---

"He obviously thinks that you don't feel the same way." Jenny said. "I mean, you guys have been best friends since you were ten and if he thought you wouldn't like it that would blow your relationship out of the water."

"You're a bit young to be so smart, aren't you?" Mike teased, ruffling Jenny's lavender hair.

"If I don't notice these things, who will?" Jenny shot back. "It's not like you ever noticed them before."

Mike didn't like this conversation but he couldn't stop. Jenny was telling him all the things Billie had done and even though they were innocent enough to have heterosexual explanations, it was still . . . more than he'd had before.

He had been in love with Billie since 1994. Since Billie Joe kissed Adie and Mike realized that his growing desire to break up the wedding wasn't because he was jealous. At least not of Billie Joe.

"I'm straight." Mike informed Jenny for the upteenth time.

"So am I." she said. "But if a girl knew what she was doing I wouldn't say no. I'm not dumb enough to say I'd never be attracted to a chick. It's normal to be attracted to people no matter what's between their legs."

Candy from a baby. God, they're so cute. I bet I can get them to crack before I leave.

---

They at the pizza in relative silence as they watched some Adam Sandler movie. "I'm going to take a shower." Jenny informed the two men as she walked to the kitchen. "Don't do anything while I'm gone." she teased with a wink.

Both men stared at each other as the teenager walked out of the room. Which one of them had she winked at?

"She been telling you what she's been telling me?" Billie Joe finally asked.

"What's that?"

"How much you're in love with me." Billie said with a laugh that could be interpretted in seven different ways.

"Except in reverse." Mike admitted smiling. "Kids, huh?" But he refused to meet Billie's eyes.

"Kids. You know, they say kids tell the truth most of the time and people just don't believe it." Billie said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Billie?"

"Yeah, Mike?"

"She was telling you the truth."

"She was telling you the truth, too." Billie said.

They both stared at each other again. Billie stood and took Mike's empty plate. "I'm taking these to the kitchen." The situation was incredibly awkward.

Billie disappeared into the kitchen and as Mike watched the nonexistant hips sway and that ass looking perfect in this pants . . .

Billie had just set the dishes in the sink and turned to open the dishwasher when Mike's mouth pressed to his in a hard and possessive kiss. Billie opened his mouth to let Mike's tongue in, only to pull away. "Fuck, man. You taste like pizza sauce."

Mike rolled his eyes heavenward. "This is what you give me to work with?"

"Just take a drink of beer." Billie said, handing Mike his bottle. "Wash it out."

"You didn't taste so great yourself." Mike informed his best friend after swallowed the drink.

"Fine." Billie tugged the bottle back and finished it. Then, he pulled Mike down by the neck of his tee shirt and pressed his lips to the bassist's in a hot kiss, one that no one protested the taste of.

Mike pulled Billie Joe off the ground and Billie wrapped his legs around the other man's waist, his mouth now attacking Mike's neck. Swearing, Mike pressed Billie Joe against the wall.

"We should go upstairs." he said.

"Couch is closer." Billie mumbled.

"Jenny."

"Ewww. I don't want to kiss her." Billie protested, his voice raising an octave. "She's a gi-irl."

"You're not gay."

"But she is a girl. A minor girl. An illegal piece of ass. Jailbait. A--"

"I get it." Mike said. "But let's go upstairs anyway."

They stumbled threw the house, kissing every few steps and grabbing each other in unappropriate places, until finally they stumbled into Mike's room and the taller man threw Billie into the bed.

"Now that you've got me," Billie said in a husky voice, "what ever are you going to do with me?"

Mike made a sort of growling noise and grabbed Billie by the shoulders. "Shut up, Billie Joe." And then there was another one of those hard possessive kisses that bruised both sets of lips engaging in the kiss.

Then Mike started biting at Billie's neck. "Oh . . . god . . . if you leave . . . ohhh . . . bruises I'm . . . fuck . . . reporting you."

Mike didn't even answer before he impatiently tugged Billie's shirt over his head and then rubbed his hand over the bulge in Billie Joe's pants.

"Typical male." Billie said after Mike's hands came back up to start rubbing across his chest. "Expecting me to put out on the first date."

"You just called yourself a woman." Mike said.

"Well, I am the bottom, aren't I?"

"Rockstar slut."

"You know you love me." Billie said, bringing his legs up and wrapping them around Mike.

"How the hell am I supposed to get your pants off if you do that?"

"Use your imagination."

"I'm going to fucking kill you, Billie Joe."

"Ewwww." Billie made a face. "First Jenny, now necrophilia. You really are a nasty son of a bitch, aren't you?"

His odd face turned into one of pure pleasure as Mike's hand snaked inside his pants (which were looser than usual as he had no belt on) and started rubbing his erect cock. "Fuck!"

"You really are an impatient one, aren't you?"

"Cocktease."

"Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Mike taunted in a sing-song voice.

"I'll give you a stick." Billie Joe muttered.

"No," Mike whispered in his ear, "I'll give you a stick." Then he spoke louder. "If you'll unhook your fucking legs."

"Wait? My legs were fucking?" Billie asked, mock upset. "That's what I was doing wrong!" But he resituated himself so that it was physically possible for Mike to slip his pants off.

Which Mike did quickly before shedding his own clothes. He licked a finger and slipped it inside Billie Joe who moaned, his hands finding Mike's shoulders and gripping them tightly. Mike added another finger and then scissored them. "I thought it was supposed to hurt." he muttered to no one in particular.

"Did you really think I was only dating girls?" Billie managed to ask between gasps.

"You really are a rockstar slut."

"Well, pretty soon I'll be your exclusive rockstar slut."

"Aww, you're so sweet."

"Mike?"

"Hmmm?"

"Shut up and fuck me."

Mike glanced at his dresser. It was just so far away.

"God, just use spit." Billie said as if reading his mind.

Smirking, Mike spit in his hand and rubbed it along his length a few times before rubbing his hand on the sheet in disgust. Then he slowly started to push into Billie Joe who tensed at first, then relaxed as his body adjusted.

Billie Joe's feet hooked around Mike again. "Just go fast." he mumbled, his fingers in Mike's hair. "It's better that way."

"A little higher. Just to the left a little. No, my left."

"We're not driving a fucking car!" Mike snapped impatiently.

"Oh, fuck! Right there!" Billie cried, his back arching up.

"There?" Mike thrust again.

Billie groaned in response.

"There?"

"Fuck, Mike! Do I need to tattoo it on my forehead?! Oh, fuck!" Billie moaned again, then thrust up as he came.

Mike finished a few thrusts later and pulled out slowly.

They scrambled under the comforter as they heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Footsteps much to heavy to be Jenny's.

The door swung open without a knock and Tre stood there. "Back early . . . holy shit!"

Jenny's voice sounded from the end of the hallway. "Tre, you owe me a car for graduation!"

---THE END (me thinks)---

You like? It was humor, but fucked up. I just loved Billie during that sex scene. Thank KarmaKiller's 'Subtle Hints' and Ipsemes's 'Mud Love'. The humor just sort of inspired me!