Mourning Light

Title: Mourning Light

Fandom: JRock, PS Company, Gazette, Alice Nine

Pairings: Reita x Shou, mentioned Reita x Ruki

Rating: NC-17

Summary: Emotional complications arise after Ruki, Reita, (Gazette) and Shou (Alice Nine) share a spontaneous night of sex during the Peace & Smile tour.

Notes: Set during the Peace & Smile Carnival Tour (December 2005). Somewhat dark and slightly angsty. Inspired by Chantrea Johari's GENIUS fic "Midnight Whispers". And yes, I spelled 'mourning' that way on purpose.

Disclaimer: I have absolutely nothing to do with the people mentioned in this fiction. It's just for fun.

-

Waking was another story entirely, Shou found several hours later. Instead of the blissful warmth that had enveloped him the night before, he suddenly felt cold and isolated.

As he slowly opened his eyes, he realized why. Turning over gingerly on his side he took in the sight of Ruki and his lover Reita positively tangled around each other on the opposite side of the bed.

They looked so peaceful.

Shou decided not to disturb them and sat up quietly, gently swinging his feet over the edge of the bed. He couldn't stifle the slight shiver that wracked his bare form in the chilly hotel room air.

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he padded as softly as possible about the room, gathering all his garments that had been strewn around the room in thoughtless ecstasy the night before.

He bent over to retrieve his very twisted t-shirt from the floor and as he straightened again he caught the very startling gaze of Reita. Shou gasped lightly. The bassist was looking directly at him from over Ruki's still sleeping form. He was propped up on his elbows and his dark eyes were utterly piercing. Shou found himself nervously sucking his lower lip into his mouth.

The vocalist managed to shake himself from the reverie long enough to pull the wrinkled shirt over his head, completing his previous form of dress. He swallowed as he felt Reita's eyes following his every move. He gave the bassist one final fleeting look before he headed towards the door. He slipped out quickly and made sure to let the door close without a sound.

Once on the other side, Shou found himself leaning against the heavy barrier, squeezing his eyes shut and concentrating on just breathing. What was he doing? What was this? It had been mere hours and Shou was already regretting the act.

But how could he have resisted the insistent requests of those two beautiful men? He couldn't. And he didn't. And that realization was becoming quite the problem for Shou. Reita's mysterious gaze wasn't exactly helping with the pang of ...he didn't exactly know what it was. Guilt? Apprehension?

Shou figured he should probably find the nearest person and ask them to punch him in the face. There was absolutely no point in turning the night's tryst into anything more than that: a tryst. Sex. Good sex.

Mind-blowing sex. Nothing more.

So why did Shou feel so empty?

He resisted the urge to roughly bang his head against the door, for he knew it wouldn't be wise to wake Ruki or inconvenience Reita further. Shoving himself dejectedly off the door, he pulled his jacket tighter around his body and made his way to the elevator, intent on joining the others for breakfast downstairs.

Food. Food was always a decent distraction, Shou assured himself, practically jamming the lift button into the wall with his impatience. He watched the numbers climb at an agonizing pace. 2...3...4...

"Come on, come on," he whispered desperately.

As if the god's couldn't be more cruel, Shou suddenly became aware of the distinct sound of a door falling shut just down the hall. He whipped his head towards the sound and watched in mortification as Reita made his way towards Shou and the still-elusive elevator.

"Fuck!" he mentally cursed and jabbed at the already-lit button a few more times.

"Patience is a virtue, Shou-kun." Reita said evenly as he came to stand beside the vocalist.

Shou briefly wondered when the distance from Reita and his room to the elevator had become so short. Flustered, Shou tried to form some sort of lame excuse. "Hungry," he said, possibly a bit too eagerly. He slapped on a sheepish smile for effect.

Definitely lame.

And, as expected, Reita didn't seem to be buying it. In fact, his expression hadn't really changed from moments ago when Shou had been leaving the room.

The heavy gaze and serious spark in Reita's eyes unnerved Shou and he began anxiously shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

The ding of the elevator reaching their floor caused Shou to jump slightly and Reita observed him with a very subdued sense of amusement as they both boarded the lift.

A few awkward seconds passed before Reita finally spoke. "Are you going to press the button or do I need to do it for us?"

Shou hadn't even realized he was the one in front of the panel, and he glared at his own absent-mindedness as he selected the lobby button violently with his index finger. He could practically feel Reita's ever-widening smile.

Shou's entire ride down consisted of both an unbearable silence and an unfortunately timed re-hashing of the previous night's events. Colors, sounds, and sensations were flashing through his mind at light speed. He attempted, with little success, to drive the memories of fevered moans and impassioned kisses from his conscious.

Staring at the floor, he watched his own feet before he allowed his gaze to slide over to Reita's and was assaulted with the remembrance of the bassist's bare leg sliding against the flesh of his own as Reita's tongue had dipped against his collarbone.

Shou closed his eyes, scolding himself and trying to shake the growing sense of shame.

Reita was with Ruki. Nothing could come of this. Nothing should come of this, Shou told himself harshly. You were a conquest. A bit of excitement for the couple.

Get over it.

When the doors finally opened again, Shou found himself darting out, all but dashing from the elevator. He briefly heard Reita as he determinedly made his way anywhere else but near the other man.

"Shou-"

Shou shook his head, trying to ignore Reita's desire to get his attention. Coffee. I need coffee, Shou thought desperately, skimming down the counter in the lobby. The bar seemed to go on for miles, but with no trace of the caffeinated beverage he was searching for. Ridiculous! Shou thought. Cheap coffee was usually the one thing you could rely on finding at these cheap buffets, and yet it continued to elude him.

"Shou."

Shou blinked at Reita's second attempt, but continued walking the other direction with the bassist close in tail. "Where's the fucking coffee?!" Shou finally exclaimed, startling a number of innocent hotel patrons.

"Shou, stop."

The vocalist shook his head again and continued his fruitless search, somehow ending up behind the bar near the hotel kitchen. He looked around nervously, realizing that he had unintentionally cornered himself. He was seething as Reita finally caught up with him. He was angry and he didn't really know why.

"Shou, would you fucking slow down for a minute?" Reita demanded as Shou began making circles in the confined area, running his hands through his disheveled hair in frustration.

He was trying to think of what to say, anything to say, when his spastic actions were suddenly stopped by Reita. The bassist took Shou by both wrists, wrenching his hands from his hair and slammed the vocalist up against the nearest wall, a wall that happened to be more or less metal. Shou gasped at the roughness as well as the feel of the cool metal through the thin fabric of his shirt.

He stared at Reita, wide-eyed, his breathing labored. He tried to wiggle his wrists free from Reita's firm grasp but the other man kept them pressed above Shou's head. The look in the bassist's eyes was wild and put Shou on edge.

"Reita-"

His words were cut off by Reita's lips on his own, the kiss harsh and demanding, but smooth all at once. Shou made a startled noise that was quickly swallowed by the bassist as he took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, driving his tongue against Shou's and pressing his body in further to completely imprison the vocalist between himself and the wall.

Forgetting himself, Shou found that he was unable to resist thrusting his hips foreward into Reita's, arching his back off the wall as far as his captor would allow. The action caused Reita to groan and bite down hard on Shou's lip.

Shou gasped against Reita's mouth as he tasted the distinct flavor of his own blood entering his mouth. Reita pulled away at Shou's meek sound and the vocalist took the brief chance to turn his head away so that the bassist couldn't continue his rough ministrations.

"We can't!" Shou breathed out desperately, hoping Reita would hear the plea in his lowered voice. The bassist still had Shou's wrists pinned above his head against the wall and didn't seem to be considering releasing the other man anytime soon. "We can't do this to Ruki," Shou added more slowly.

Reita could almost hear the tears in Shou's voice.

"Shou, look at me."

Shou swallowed in acknowledgement but continued his death stare with the wall to their side.

"Shou," Reita asked again, this time with a little more conviction.

When Shou still refused to acquiesce, Reita released one of his wrists and placed his hand beneath Shou's chin, forcing the vocalist to look at him. Reita was instantly regretful of his callous behavior as he took in the sight of the other man.

Shou's lip was still bleeding from where he had nipped, a thin trail of blood falling down the vocalist's chin. His eyes were clouded with moisture, signaling the potential onslaught of tears at any moment.

Reita brushed the pad of his thumb along Shou's chin, wiping the blood clean. He brought his thumb to his mouth and slowly sucked the crimson stain off, causing Shou to shudder at the erotic action.

"I'm sorry," Reita whispered, and released Shou's other wrist so that he could fully cup the vocalist's face in both hands.

Despite being freed, Shou didn't seem to be making a run for it. In fact, he had practically gone limp against the wall and Reita's chest. As if he had given up.

Or given in.

"I don't want to hurt Ruki," his voice was barely audible.

"Neither do I," Reita stated, and Shou genuinely believed him.

"You love him," Shou whispered to the air.

"I do," Reita admitted.

Shou nodded, finally understanding. This wasn't something Reita wanted. It was something he needed. Leaning in slowly, Shou placed his lips lightly against Reita's, waiting for the other man to take charge.

Take charge he did, and Shou once again found himself lost in an intoxicating kiss. It was still deep but not quite as rough as before. Reita laved his tongue across the fresh wound on Shou's lower lip, causing the vocalist to moan and bring his hands to Reita chest. Once there, they took fistfuls of material, clutching at the bassist's shirt as if his life depended on the support.

Shou suddenly found himself being lifted from his place on the wall and pushed through a door, the kiss never breaking until Shou felt more cold steel against his back. He gasped at the unexpected contact and Reita pushed him back a bit further until Shou took the hint and sat upon what appeared to be a dishwasher in the hotel's kitchen.

Turning back to Reita, he found the other man's eyes were clouded with a heavy lust. "Fuck you're beautiful," Reita groaned as he took Shou's lips in another deep kiss. "And you're wearing too much," he added as he slipped his hands beneath the hem of Shou's shirt and hastily pulled it over the vocalist's head.

His lips left Shou's as he began worrying the shell of Shou's ear with his tongue. He delighted in the small cry Shou made as he sucked the lobe into his mouth, running his teeth over the sensitive flesh.

"Reita-kun," Shou breathed out, his lithe form already shaking with anticipation.

Reita abandoned Shou's ear to place gentle love bites down the other man's neck until he reached Shou's elegantly defined shoulder, where he pressed a butterfly-soft kiss. Wordlessly, the bassist reached down and began tugging at the loose waistband of Shou's drawstring pants.

"I need to be inside you," Reita said demandingly and with one solid pull, unsheathed Shou from the straining fabric. The vocalist threw his head back as Reita took his length in one hand, stroking at a painfully slow pace. "Lie back for me Shou," the bassist whispered into Shou's ear, his warm breath running over the sensitive skin and his lustful words making it nearly impossible for Shou to stay lucid.

Shou complied and whimpered against the cold metal and the sudden distance between himself and the other man.

"Shhh," he heard Reita chide, but the vocalist gasped even louder as he felt a moist digit probing the ring of muscle in his lower regions. His hands shot out to grasp anything, but found only rigid metal. As Reita added another finger, Shou settled for scraping his ragged fingernails along the surface instead.

Shou could feel his body beginning to adjust to the accommodation, and by the time Reita had added a third digit, he was almost mewling at the sensation. All too soon, the feeling was retracted and Shou nearly whined at the returning emptiness.

Reita was quick to run a finger over Shou's mouth, successfully quieting the other man into submission. Shou opened his eyes, heavily lidded with lust and watched as Reita spat into his hand and began lubing his own length. The sight was perhaps one of the most stimulating images Shou had ever witnessed.

"Reita," Shou whispered, reaching towards the bassist with an air of desperation.

Reita took Shou's hand with his unoccupied palm, entwining their fingers as he spread Shou's legs and pressed his length against Shou's entrance. Shou rapidly sucked in his breath, biting his injured lip out of habit.

As Reita pressed forward slowly, Shou hissed at the familiar pain, and slung his other arm over his face as Reita continued pushing into the impossibly snug space.

"Don't," Reita insisted, pulling Shou's arm away from his eyes. "I want to see your face when I'm fucking you. I want you to watch me fuck you."

Shou groaned at the raw words, feeling the pain-induced tears already beginning to streak his cheeks.

"So tight," Reita breathed, as he became entirely sheathed within Shou's constricting warmth. The bassist leaned over the trembling form of his lover, keeping their lower regions still but using the time to let Shou adjust and to wipe the tears from his partner's cheeks. The vocalist seemed eerily quiet, and it sent a chill of worry through Reita.

"Shou?" he asked, trying to steady his voice and concentrate on the man beneath him and not the growing need to thrust into him violently.

After a few moments, Shou licked his lips and said, "Someone...could walk in...at any time...you know," he murmured softly, having a hard time putting the words together with Reita so deep inside him.

"I know," Reita replied, a slight grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. "That's what makes it so thrilling, ne?"

At that, Reita suddenly thrust his hips forward, causing Shou to cry out in both pain and surprise.

"Fuck," Shou cursed, his head falling back heavily against the unforgiving metal and lolling from side to side feverishly as Reita began to thrust deeply and evenly into the vocalist.

"Shou-kun, look at me," Reita murmured before a deep moan formed in the back of his own throat.

Shou obeyed, but was unable to cease the myriad of little noises he was making every time Reita thrust just right and hit him there, in that one blissful spot.

"You're too far away," Reita said as if pained by the realization. He wrapped an arm beneath Shou's steadily arching back and with an unexpected grace, pulled the enraptured vocalist up against him. Shou emitted a sound somewhere between a whimper and a groan at the unexpected change in pace. He found Reita's lips with his own as he felt the bassist adjust their angle and thrust into Shou with a renewed fervor.

The kiss was slow and feather light, Shou barely brushing his lips over Reita's, his tongue occasionally darting out to tease the other man.

Reita rested his forehead against Shou's and was glad to see that Shou's tears had all but stopped, having been replaced with an expression of utter and complete pleasure every time he hit the spot just right. Deciding to heighten the vocalist's bliss even more, Reita wrapped his fist around Shou's hardened length and began stroking in unison with his thrusts.

Shou all but fell apart at the double assault on his body, the numerous sensations overwhelming on his now hyper-sensitive form. He wrapped his arms lazily around Reita's neck as the bassist continued to stroke and thrust, both actions becoming faster and harder as the two men felt their climax swiftly approaching.

It wasn't much longer before Reita made his final dive, pushing violently into Shou's entrance and staying still as he felt his own seed spill deep into the vocalist and Shou's splash against his bare stomach mere seconds later.

Shou fell forward onto Reita, utterly spent, and the bassist wrapped his hand around the back of Shou's neck. He cradled Shou's weakened form until both men's breathing had resumed something akin to a normal pattern.

"Thank you," Reita whispered against the warm moisture-dappled flesh of Shou's neck. He kissed gingerly at the pale skin before he moved back slightly. He took Shou by the shoulders to steady the singer as he retracted himself in one fluid movement.

Shou gasped, reeling slightly at the immediate and intense loss of heat and capacity, but Reita's secure hold kept him steady. The bassist leaned forward, taking Shou's lips into a chaste kiss, then moved to place a kiss on Shou's nose, each of his cheeks, and his forehead.

"Ruki can never know," Reita stated, despite understanding that it didn't need to be said. Shou nodded, not really needing to be told.

They stood slowly, both exhausted from their activities and dressed in silence. This time the silence was not the least bit awkward but, instead, was cold. Frigid. A melancholy sense of finality between the two musicians was filling the air like a poison.

Shou remained against the dishwasher, still trying to regain his composure. No one before had ever taken him so roughly and with such passion. He couldn't bare to look at the bassist, but he could feel that gaze on him. He'd never forget that feeling.

He'd never forget the way Reita stood there for moment after moment, as unable to fill the void with words as Shou was. He wouldn't forget the vestige of jealousy and pain as he thought of the bassist returning to his lover upstairs, waking the other man in the warmth and sunlight.

He'd never fully understand where the emotions had come from. Why they'd surfaced so quickly and been doused out like a virginal flame just as fast.

He'd never forget that morning. The light, and the mourning.

-

Well that's it, then. I hope it wasn't too fucking horrible. Immeasurable thanks goes to Chantrea Johari for inspiring this and for being so incredibly talented and fantastic and all other complimentary adjectives under the sun.