My Last Letter

This is a fic I wrote, inspired by actual events in my life. I say inspired, not based on. I obviously do not own Bam/Ville and this hasn't happened. I don't know why I always forget to say that. Enjoy.

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My time is short, so I'll finish this as quickly as I can. My name is Ville Valo. I was the lead singer for a band called HIM out of Helsinki, Finland. My best friend in the entire world was Bam Margera, an American skater from West Chester, Pennsylvania. We'd known each other for so long it was almost like we were reading eachother's minds. Which is why this hurts so badly. But I must tell the story. This tragedy of love unknown.

As I looked at him I didn't know what to say. His eyes were so bright with happiness, joy, love... Love for me. I admit it, when Bam first stopped talking to me I was hurt. I thought I'd done or said something to drive him off. We hadn't spoken in months, not since we'd both gotten drunk in LA and I'd started talking about how hot I thought Burton was sometimes and how I'd love to kiss him if, and it weren't for the fact his girlfriend would kill him I would. Bam's face had gone completely cold, and the conversation for the rest of the night was forced at best.

I'd tried calling. About a hundred times, but after a while I finally gave up. He didn't respond even once, and I felt like I'd completely lost him. But now I know why. I was surprised when I checked my cell phone and there was a message from him. I clicked to listen, scared of what I would hear. It was a simple sentence. "You're the most beautiful man in the world." I raised an eyebrow at that and called him back, only getting his voice mail. When I did I asked, "Are you drunk? What's going on? Bam, call me!" And that was it.

He did call me, about an hour later to tell me he was in Helsinki and wanted to see me. I agreed, I was overjoyed, hoping we could start being friends again. I met him at a bar down the street from my home, and over a couple drinks I finally asked, "Why did you stop talking to me?" He went very quiet, staring down at the table. Finally he asked, "Do you want to know the real reason?" I held my breath, then nodded. "Yes, I do."

Bam looked up at me, he was holding back tears. "I'm in love with you... I thought that you knew, I really did. Then when you started talking about Burton like that, I figured that was your way of telling me you're not interested." I wanted to say something, but he held up his hand. "No, no, let me get this out. I know that I'm not good enough for you. I'm a fucking idiot and I hurt myself to entertain people, not to mention I drink a shit load. But I've stopped the heavy drinking, I've really got myself established now so that I don't have to do stupid shit for the camera anymore and I'm really cleaning myself up. Ville, I love you and I can take care of you now."

I was completely and utterly speechless for about five minutes. Finally I said, "Bam, why didn't you tell me?" "I told you, I thought you knew." I sighed, leaning back in my chair. "That doesn't work with me, I'm about as blunt as a bat, I don't do subtle hints, you know that." Bam suddenly took my hand in his, looking right into my eyes. "Can you just think about it though? Give it serious thought?" I didn't know what else to say, so I simply nodded.

And now, a few days later, he's here at my home talking to a friend of his on the phone. He sounds so excited, and so happy. And I don't want to ruin it, but I'd come to terms with how I felt and it wouldn't do to just string him along. I took a swig of the whiskey I'd been drinking and that strengthened my resolve. I had to do this.

When he finally got off the phone Bam came and sat by me on the couch, still grinning. "Bam, I have something to tell you." He looked at me expectantly, and I didn't know if I could rip that smile off his face. I took his hand in a similar fashion that he'd taken mine and sighed. "I've thought about it Bam, I can't be with you." His face fell, and he was quiet, then said in a tear filled voice, "Why?"

"Many reasons. You're the best friend I've ever had. You've become a brother to me, and you mean a hell of a lot more than a lover ever would. Not only that but you've built me up as some kind of god like figure in your head and I cannot live up to your expectations. If we were together, we would fall apart and I can't lose you, I just can't." I tried to hug him but he pulled away from me, standing.

"But I love you." He said, he was crying now. "And I love you too, but not in the way you want me to love you. I'm sorry Bam, but it can't be." He had fallen silent, the tears sliding down his cheeks and he refused to look at me. I stood and moved closer to him, but he shoved me away. Without warning, he ran right into the bathroom, locking the door after him. I tried the handle, and I was slamming my hand against the door, begging him to let me in.

I could hear him crying, then I heard a sound that tore right into my soul. It was the sound of glass breaking. "Bam, what are you doing?!" I screamed. "I can't live without you Ville." His voice was surprisingly calm. "Oh God, Bam please no! I can't lose you dammit, open the door!" I pleaded, desperate. But there was no answer. I heard him cry out, then struggling for breath... Then I heard his body hit the floor.

I tore through my apartment, trying to find something, anything to open the door with. Finally I seized a rather heavy chair and started hitting the door, yelling for him to hold on. When I did finally break it down, I saw him and knew I was too late. Bam was laying there, his blood pooling around his body. His skin was already pale from the blood loss, but he had a strangely peaceful look on his face. I tried in vain to find a pulse, there was nothing.

I think I sat there, kneeling by his body for hours. I was stroking his hair, making cooing noises as though he were merely sleeping, but I knew. Bam was dead. I don't know how much time passed, but I finally got up the courage to stand and call for help. When I did I went back into the bathroom, kneeling by him again. I pulled his lifeless body to my own and cradled his head against my chest, crying. I then said to him what I hadn't been able to earlier.

"I'm sorry Bam. I'm so sorry, I just knew. I knew I'd break your heart into a thousand pieces and I didn't want it this way. You deserve someone who can make you happy no matter what, and even when we were still friends I wasn't that person, I knew it. Oh God I'm so sorry!" I sobbed harder, crushing Bam's body to my own.

When the paramedics arrived they had to pry me away from him. It was ruled a suicide unsurprisingly, though that didn't stop people from saying I'd killed him. The word had spread after I'd been taken to the hospital. I was treated for shock, then put on suicide watch since they feared I would harm myself. The news spread like wild fire. His parents didn't blame me at all, though a few of his friends did not to mention all of his fans.

And now here I am, it's been six months and I'm standing on this bridge, waiting for the time to be right. It's the anniversary today, he died at exactly 2:17 in the morning. When it does, I'm going to jump. I'm writing this so everyone will know my secret, the one I've been hiding. I loved Bam too, I wanted to be with him as badly as he wanted to be with me. But I let my brain get in the way of my heart, and it ruined everything.

If I had any kind of message, it would be this. If you find you've fallen for someone, don't let your preconceptions of each other get in the way. Just follow that love and it will lead you to a splendid place. Don't worry about whether or not you're good enough for each other, or think you need to change. I'd have taken Bam as he was, a silly sappy happy person. He didn't need to change for me. But time is nearly over, and the river is waiting for me.

The current is strong since it finished storming only a few hours before. I'm not sure my body will be found. If it is, whoever finds this, please let my parents, my siblings, and Mr. and Mrs. Margera and Jess know I love them too, they are the best families it has ever been my pleasure to know. And I want to be buried next to Bam, so I can love him in death the way I was too scared to in life. It's time, goodbye.

Ville Hermanni Valo

May our love never die.