Ash and Rain

Ash and Rain
By Alices emotion

Woo. So, amidst work, sleep, and erm, life-- I finally got a chance to start on my multi-chaptered D'espairsRay fic that I was previously ranting about in an author's note on "Forbidden". :3 Mmyes. I actually formulated a fragment of a plot in my relatively barren skull (OMFG), and decided that I'm just going to take it and run with with it.

Before we start though, I'd like to thank several people for inspiring me--

Sun -- for writing the awesome D'espairsRay fic "Everything is coming up roses" (which I've read religiously). ♥
Kristin -- you know why, dearie. ♥

The first chapter is (and most of the story) is told from Tsukasa's POV-- but I may switch it from time to time... so please pay attention to the notes at the beginning of each chapter to prevent any possible confusion. ^^;

Oh~ and D'espairsRay doesn't belong to me. I think I'll go write an emo song about it. e_e

[The Beginning of the End]


I ripped off my headphones, immediately greeted with a deluge of seemingly desperate cheers hammering at my eardrums-- various members of the crowd competing for the band's attention. The crowd been playing for had become some sort of dischorded choir, begging and cheering for more.

More from us.

Normally, a new and up-coming band member would have indulged themselves with basking in the glow of applause-- especially a drummer; the member that tended to fall just short of the limelight... but not I. No. It was all far off drivel to me by then, for as soon as the final song in our set that night had finished, I was up, out of my seat, gathering my drumsticks into one pale hand and proceeding to hastily storm off the stage. Glancing behind me though, I could see Zero, Karyu and Hizumi reaching out to the front row of the crowd, touching hands and offering small exhausted smiles-- having yet to abandon their instruments and follow in my footsteps. I could only watch them for a second more, tearing my gaze away and shaking my head once before I burst through the backstage door and traipsed towards the make-up room, glad to find that its door was propped open by a wooden wedge. If it hadn't been, I may have practically knocked that one off its hinges as well just like the one I'd previously exited the stage with. On any other night, things may have been different... I may have joined in with my band mates, prancing around the edge of the stage, buttering the fans up...

But not tonight. Fuck the crowd, I needed a smoke.

Upon reaching the aformentioned room, I tore over towards my coat which was hanging off one of the many collapsable chairs scattered messily in the corner of the room. Digging into the left pocket, my fingers triumphantly seized the half-empty pack of cigarettes that I'd purchased only a day ago, my stomach twisting with anticipation as I felt the valueable cylindrical commodities sway back and forth against the panels of cardboard. Flipping open the stiff cardboard top on the box, I counted the remaining cigarettes, smirking quietly to myself when I'd finished. By now, I'd known for a fact that my lungs had to be as black as tar... but at this rate, they'd probably end up turning into pure ash. Hah. Oh well...

At last... footsteps, out in the hallway. That's when my three comrades passed through the threshold to the make-up room. First Zero, then Hizumi... then Karyu, who flashed me a glare of disappointment and evident agitation-- something in his eyes just screaming to me "what the fuck's your problem, jackass?". Lifting a brow in response to the disdainful look the taller man had given me, I shook it off, not exactly in the mood to start shit right then. What I was in the mood for however was a nice long drag of sweet, sweet tobacco.

Karyu continued to glare at me as I left the room with my half-filled pack of compressed euphoria, mumbling something to Hizumi that I just blocked out all together as I left.

It was cold outside-- at least, in contrast to the stuffy heated stage of the club we'd just finished playing in. That was just perfect for me though; my forehead was still coated in a sheen of sweat, more than likely acquired from rigorously hammering away at my drumset. Opening the pack of cigarettes I'd had in my hand, I extracted the lighter from the box first (a little habit I'd gotten into a while back for whenever the box was empty enough) and then one of the cigarettes soon after-- popping the latter of the two into my mouth and using the former to light it. What a blissful thing nicotine was...

Perhaps Karyu just didn't understand the fact that I wasn't a machine like him. I could deal with playing two, maybe even three lives a week... but five or six was just too much. That's what he'd been scheduling the band for as of lately-- spewing some half-assed bullshit about us "needing to become more widely known" and "the only way to go about familiarizing ourselves is to keep playing gigs non-stop like this". Hey, the band was important to me too... but I had wished from time to time over the last month or so that I'd had a bit more of a goddamned life. I knew that Zero and Hizumi were thinking the same thing as me. They were just too damn afraid to say anything about it to our resident God. Honestly, I was beginning to think I would never be able to understand him.

"Hey--"

The snappy interjection sliced my thoughts to ribbons, forcing me to exhale the drag I'd taken sooner than I'd originally intended to.

Directing my gaze towards the source of the voice, I just stared, almost wondering why I'd even bothered to look over at him. Just a human reaction I suppose; it was the same as when a newcomer entered a room and its inhabitants just have to look up and examine them. I'd already known who it was though. It was God, of course-- coming down from heaven to most likely lecture and mingle with a commoner such as myself. Oh, rapture.

I didn't respond to his 'greeting', if you could even call it that... I simply pivoted back into the position I'd previously been standing in, puffing away at my cigarette while I attempted to ignore him.

"Oi-- Oota!" He tried again, sounding even more cross than he'd looked last time I'd bothered to look at him eye to eye.

"Nn?" Still not bothering to face him, I crossed my arms and leaned on the rough, worn bricks of the building behind me.

"Oh, nothing... just maybe you could try to not be such an absolute dick the next time we have a live?"

How did I know that that was coming?

A long silence crept out into the open, neither of us daring to say anything else for the time being. I just leaned there against the cold wall of the building and Karyu merely stood there, continuing to leer at me. Finally, after nearly a minute had passed, I shattered the frozen picture the two of use had conjured by taking my now finished cigarette between my slim, rough fingers and dropping it to the ground. Instead of turning my attention to the guitarist, I just watched the filter roll across the pavement for a bit before I started heading towards the door I'd escaped the backstage hallway through only minutes ago-- yanking the heavy steel door open, re-entering the building, and leaving Karyu out in the cold without so much as a single word.

On my way back towards the make-up room, I saw Zero heading towards me, bass in hand. He was probably leaving early, as he normally tended to do. The two of us passed one another by, no words involved, each headed towards his own respective destination. Zero and I never really spoke to one another. It wasn't that I wasn't fond of the guy, or on bad terms with him even... it was more along the lines that neither of us really favoured small talk all that much, and in my humble opinion, that was the best sort of human being you could find in the world. For that alone, he'd earned my respect... since amidst my various wanderings, I'd found that the majority of humanity had gotten themselves into a bad habit of squandering words. Although it came off as taking a shot at being friendly and socialable to some, all it was equivalent to in my eyes was yet another unnecessary annoyance that this already filthy world need not deal with. Most people just didn't seem to get that though... Well, that was humanity for you.

Re-entering the small, white-washed make-up room, I found Hizumi silently gathering together his several belongings that were splayed on the table that sat adjacent to the mass of collapsable chairs that my coat had been residing amongst. Just standing there, still as a statue, I leaned lazily against the doorway, just watching the short vocalist stuffing various articles of make-up and pieces of paper into his messenger bag. Poor guy... I pitied him in earnest. While it was true that Hizumi didn't have an instrument to tune, these past few weeks had been murder on his vocal chords... so much that the past few times I'd seen him outside of our lives, he'd resorted to keeping his speech to an absolute minimum, determined to save every drop of energy he put into talking for the copious amounts of screaming he did at our shows.

"Hey." I started, barely aware of the pause in my voice before I continued. "Are you... still coming home with me tonight?"

Hizumi's gaze flicked upwards towards me and away from what he'd been doing, offering a nod and then a small smile. I found that I couldn't control the upward curve in my lips, continuing to observe the shorter man's every movement as he finished gathering his things into his bag. It was then that I noticed... I couldn't remember the last time I'd actually smiled before that... Odd.

And that was when the sound of Karyu's thick boots thudding menacingly against the tiled floor of the hallway reached my ears.

He stomped up to me, evidently in one hell of a bad mood, nearly shaking with the power of his repressed anger. Apparently, Karyu didn't take lightly to being ignored, though he was at least taking a stab at controlling himself in the presence of our frontman. "Hey, I could have sworn that I just said something back there." Hm. He was having trouble keeping his cool. Not sure why that really surprised me. Giving him the same stare I'd bestowed upon him outside, I let a shrug roll off of my broad shoulders.

"I hear you, O Fearless Leader..." Oops... Haha.

Karyu's scowl only hardened as he roughly brushed past me, towards his own pile of make-up which was stewn about one of the smaller desks situated in front of a large mirror-- about as close to a vanity as we were going to get in a place like this.

I turned back to Hizumi who had since finished packing his things and was glancing back and forth at Karyu and I, more than likely wondering what all the quibble was about between us. I mimicked the shrug I'd given Karyu as he'd entered the room, offering Hizumi an apologetic look afterwards. I finally regained my posture, leaving the doorframe and shuffling into the room to pick up my coat (which was the only thing I'd brought with me that night. The make-up I'd used for the show I had borrowed from Hizumi).

"Ready?" I questioned softly, glancing over at the vocalist.

"Nn."

In that instant, Karyu turned around, his vision affixed upon Hizumi as the two of us journeyed towards the door. For the short moment or two that I'd risked looking into his eyes, I found something that I hadn't expected in them. The glare he been shooting at me had vanished; been replaced alltogether by something... that I couldn't quite recognize... Worry? Panic? Utter bewilderment? I had no idea... Whatever it had been though, I found myself unable to identify it within the brief period I'd allowed myself to look at his wirey frame on the way out of the club.

By the time we'd reached the train station and despite the fact that I'd made sure to thoroughly mask my abashment, my puzzlement must have become palpable to Hizumi, who'd been giving me odd looks ever since we'd cleared the club's parking lot. Of course, I'd assured him that there had been nothing to worry about; convinced him that I was just mentally drained from that evening's gig. He'd swallowed it all down too. Apparently, my masks couldn't decieve him anymore, but my words still could. He was getting too close for comfort... too close for comfort and too close to solving me. It should have been a reassuring thought to know that I had such a deep connection with him that he basically knew me inside and out-- but instead, I found that it made me feel uneasy and sick... as I desperately wished to remain an enigma.

Doubling my efforts to appear collected, I righted myself from where I had been leaning against one of the columns on the docking platform upon hearing the train nearing our stop. Still, I couldn't help wonder why Karyu had watched Hizumi as he left with me in such a way...

... or why Hizumi more or less had returned the guitarist's longing stare...

A/N: Please R&R. I should have the next chapter up in a few days or so (if my schedule allows it ;~;).