Addicted

Everything I sense is you.

You’re the only thing I see; I open my eyes every dull morning and there you are, constantly by my side all day. All I can hear are the voices in my head, reminding me how badly I want you. Sometimes, I hear your voice too; your echoing begs and pleading twisting into my ears and urging me on.

I can’t get over it. I’ve promised myself so many times before that I’ll forget you and get on with my life. But…it isn’t as easy as that, Mike. Not when you’re everywhere…

You’re in my dreams and thoughts; I feel so ashamed, because half of my mind wishes that they were real. I’m feeling so suffocated. I’m constantly craving your touch and your toned body against mine. I need you Mike. Why can’t you see how badly this has affected me? I know that it’s my weak self-discipline, but you have your part to play too.

You never say no.

I always end up giving in; telling myself that this one time will be the last time. After that, no more. But things always get the better of me. I run to you and beg, no plead for you to take me again. I tell you how badly I need you and how it’ll make me feel better. You, thinking you’re doing the right thing, let me have my way.
The feeling of your hands touching my body, the sweet melody of your voice as you scream out my name, the soft caress of you lips against my skin…it’s pure heaven. It’s the high that I always dream about and I ravish it, even if it only lasts for so long.

As you push me on the bed, quickly pulling off my belt and rubbing at my crotch as you always do, my mind grows hazy. A dark cloud covers it and I forget everything. All I can concentrate on is you pushing inside me. The tidal wave of ecstasy I’ve lived my whole life on, crashes down on me and I’m barely able to hear myself as I cry out your name.

Then, I let it all go.

Afterward, it haunts me. I kick myself for becoming so weak and feeble; relying on this one soul source of a high for happiness. I have my family waiting for me; a wife and two children, neither knowing of how low I’ve gone. I think about them everyday, sometimes all day; just sitting by myself until show time, on my bunk. But then the flashes of memory from the night before remind me how good it feels to give in, and so I do.

This is why I’m walking to your bus again, Mike. My days are lonely and dark if I try and forget. I need this to give me energy and I know you’ll always comply, no matter how badly part of me wants you to disagree.

I’m addicted to you, Mike and I can’t let it go.