Pretty Things

Pretty Things

I hate it here. I locked myself in this pretty box to keep away from anyone else. I don't want to see the light, I just want it to be dark. I don't want to hear their happy voices, their comforting voices, their pretty voices. I don't want to hear anything. I don't want anything.

I want it quiet and dark. I want to be alone. I hate it here but all I want is in this stupid box. I want it. I live with it. At least for now.

I had to be stupid. I had to fall for the one person I couldn't have. I had to walk in there and act like everything was normal. And then ... you're gone. I can't be with you, can't have the addiction that is you, can't feel completely. I left. I ran.

I saw headlights, saw people gently help me to a car. Felt the tears pouring down my face like a thunderstorm that I could never stop. I want you. I want you so bad. I can't have you. Went away, never coming back. Hate you for leaving me. Hate me for loving you.

I hate. I just hate. I hate me. I hate you. I hate life. I hate the clock on the wall. I hate the telephone that won't stop ringing. I hate the bottle of nail polish he left on my dresser. I hate the pretty lines on my arm and the pretty blood dripping from them. I hate. I just hate.

And then they came with words. And I cried. I screamed. I begged. I clawed at the hands that grabbed mine. I watched them cry from helping me. I watched them refuse to flinch despite the blood I brought to the surface of their skin from the ragged edges of fingernails I couldn't stop biting.

I felt the needle in my arm. Saw everything go dark. Woke up and couldn't move. I screamed over and over and over until I felt another needle in my arm.

I wanted out so bad. I wanted pills to swallow to make me never wake up. Just darkness forever. Nothing sees in the dark, nothing to hurt me. Nothing. Just me and darkness.

No needles, nothing holding me down, no words, no ugly white uniforms, no nametags, no visits from faces I forgot.

Just me and darkness.

And then all I wanted was you. You me and darkness. You me everything and nothing. You me and everything we had once. You me. You me.

Screaming out for you, crying for you, wanting to claw at myself for you. Wanting to scream, wanting to hate, wanting to love, wanting to have, wanting you. Wanting you wanting you wanting you.

Promised me I could get better if I tried. Promised to let me move if I didn't scream. Promised me no more needle if I didn't fight.

No one promised me you. No one. All the promises were for me. Nothing for you. I wanted you. I didn't want them. I didn't want what they promised. I wanted you. Just you. You and me. You me you me you me you me.

Pretending. Played pretend like when I was a kid. Smile pretty, talk pretty, laugh pretty. Act pretty. Play a game. Smile, laugh, talk. Pretend. Pretend. No more needles, no more locks, no more visits. Sunlight. Daylight. Freedom. Pretty.

Run away. Darkness. Me and darkness. Me and darkness. Couldn't find you. Ran and couldn't find you. Planes and cars and running into hotels and running back to a cab and running to an empty house and running back to a cab. Running everywhere to find you. Running to find you.

Never found you.

Found an ugly rock we all had to visit on the day when everyone wore black. You never showed up. I kept waiting for you. You wore too much black. Maybe I lost you in all the black clothes. Why were they crying? Why were they staring at the ugly box and the ugly rock and the stupid flowers.

You used to buy me flowers and I used to throw them on the bed. And then we'd laugh and kiss and you'd push me down and I'd feel you, all of you. Just you and me. You me you me.

I kicked the stupid rock. Kicked it and screamed at it. Tore up the ugly flowers, pulled up the ugly grass, came back with a marker and crossed out the pretty name on the ugly rock.

Ran away and got on more planes and cabs and rented cars and trains. Ran down streets, ran into house, ran away from people with the ugly look I saw when they sent me to the place where they kept giving me the needle.

I kept running. I wanted you. Nobody could find you. I should have been able to find you! We were the same person. You should have been there. You were always with me until the day you got in the car and then we had to go visit the ugly box and the ugly rock without you.

Why didn't you ever come back? You said you just had to go get cigarettes. I watched you and ran back inside and the phone rang and someone answered it and they all cried and lied to me and I ran upstairs and hid in the closet and she came in and hugged me and tried to lie to me more and I screamed and I visited the stupid rock and saw all the black and screamed and ran some more and hid in the back of a car and found a pretty pill and took it and ran away some more when they would stop lying and then they found the ugly people with the stupid fucking needle.

And now I'm running and running and can't find you still and I'm still running and they run after me and I run faster and harder. I want my box. I left my box and now they found me and they run harder and faster and lie some more. I don't like it when they lie to me. I hate it. I hate it. Why would they lie to me like that?

Running running money pretty things you always hated make me better make me forget make the lies not really pretty pretty things I see you when I take them pretty things.

I hear yells, run and hide in the closet again. Too many pretty things.

You hold me, you kiss me, you cry but you can't help smiling. I smile and laugh, touch your pretty face. I found you. You were just hiding from me. Hide and seek.

They put another rock next to your rock and they all wore black again. We watched them do it, but they couldn't see us. They didn't cry as much.

No more running and no more needle. Just you and me and the pretty light.

You me you me.