More JunChul

Pairing: Not really mentioned who it is, but JunChul (JunJin/HeeChul)
Warning: PG-13 because of suggestions of sex.
Title: Hate

I told you a month ago how I felt. You said “okay” and then that night, welcomed me to stay in your bed.
I thought it was an invitation. I thought it was your way of saying, “I love you too.”
We quickly learned that there were less distractions in your house-there weren’t twelve other people that had the chance to walk in on us.
You waited for me to make the first move, I thought you were just being polite. That night, it was love, not sex.
But now, I’m confused as to what I am to you. I don’t want to be just a toy to you, but I can’t help but watch my feet move as you call me over to you, and I know what’s going to happen next.
I hate it. I hate that I fell in love with you. I hate that you used my feelings to your advantage. You took what I told you, and bent it so I’d listen to your every whim. Your every demand. And I hate it.
The other members of Shinhwa look down on me. To them, I am your pet. Your plaything. My own band members don’t know anything about it. I tell them I’m going for a walk, or going to visit home while I have the time.
I hate how you get so violent, making me cry and scream and I just want it to kill me. And then, you trick me, wiping away my tears, and using a soft, low voice to coax me into a whole new round, this time of ultimate bliss.
It’s probably that, that keeps me coming back to you. Your low voice as you talk to me and we feel the sun rising on us intertwined with one another.

“I hate it.” I say out loud. You look at me, my voice cracked slightly as I fought back a wave of emotions. You continue looking at me, more questioningly as I turn away, realizing I’d said that aloud.
“What do you hate?” You ask me, whispering in my ear as you send a chill down my spine. I’m still in pain from last night, but I couldn’t stop you if you wanted to do it again.
“I… don’t know.” I say, and suddenly wonder why I lied to you.
‘I hate you’
I wish I could say it to your face instead of in my mind.

You smile, and laugh a bit, kissing my neck as I lean into your body.
‘We’re not clothed yet.’ My mind reminds me, and my body tenses slightly. You feel this, and start kissing me down my arms. “Relax” you whisper, and I can tell you want it again.
“I need to go home soon.” I tell you… another lie. LeeTeuk and the others weren’t expecting me until tonight, as to which I’d be leaving soon after dinner to make it to a drama I was starting up.
It was only nine a.m..
You massage my sides a bit before leading your hands lower, and I find myself stuck to you again.
I hated it.
“Stay a while longer then.” You mention, as if saying this would only take a minute.
My body wants more, and I turn my head and kiss you. Give me more.
You grin through my kisses and I find myself falling in love again. And I hate it. But this was the exact reason I hated you in the first place. Because you do this to me. And I’m your pet, just your plaything.
I think you’ve said “sarang hae” to me once. I can’t remember anymore.
I tense as you go in, and you tell me to relax again. That’s easy for you to say, you aren’t the one getting it. I kiss you to keep my mind off the searing pain from last night.
I spent the night, but I didn’t sleep at all, because you wanted it. You were horny and said in a platonic voice, “It’s great to have you here again, I missed you.”
You didn’t miss me. You missed my body. My soul seems to leave me when I’m with you, I wish it really would.
If I died, would you care? I wonder to myself. I’m not paying attention to the pain anymore. But as soon as I think of it, it comes back, worse than before as you’re going too fast, you’re too rough.
But I don’t say so, I let you use me. I let you because I love you, and if this is the only way to get your love, then so be it.
I can’t hate you.