Realizations and Repentance

Title: Realizations and Repentance


By: Twiggysrabies
Summary: ...threequel? of "Drunk Enough" and "Of Cures And Afflictions".

Rating: 18+
Warnings: Slash.


Disclaimer: I do not own any of the members of Nine Inch Nails, no matter how badly I wish I did....This is purely out of my own mind, and does not reflect any living beings...that I know of. Of course, if it DOES end up happening, I would like to be held fully responsible. ^^;

I stare at the ceiling, waiting for you to say something, anything. We've been doing this since the last tour, and I just can't help feeling more than just friendship with you. Finally, I just can't take the silence anymore, "Alessandro?" I whisper, hoping you'll ask me to stay.

Instead, you say "Yes?" in that customer-service-friendly voice.

It's too much for me, "Thanks man," I mumble sarcastically as I pull on my jeans and leave the room. I could go back to my own room, but it's just so empty. I walk aimlessly, wondering why you won't tell me to stay. I wonder if that's even what I want. I have a girlfriend for fuck's sake. I have so much to look forward to, and yet all I keep doing is looking back, trying to see if you're following me or if I'm just alone...like I've always been.

I start back for my room, but then I hear Trent talking to someone. I knock gently on the door. Trent answers, waving me inside, yelling through his cell phone, "Aaron! You're just a block away, get your fucking ass back here!! I am NOT going to fight with you in the morning trying to get out of here on time!"

I watch Trent as he argues with Aaron, and when he finally gives up, he looks exhausted. I shouldn't have bothered.

"What's up man? Is something bothering you?" Trent asks. I can tell he's concerned, "You've been acting strange for the past couple of days..."

I look up at him, a whirlwind of thoughts exploding all at once into a babble of noise. I'm not sure what I'm saying or if Trent can even understand me. I finish speaking and find my eyes overflowing with tears.

Trent looks alarmed, and I feel his touch on my shoulder, "Man, I know you've been under stress, but I didn't realise it was about all this."

I look up and my mouth has the words out before my brain registers it, "I love him, Trent. I love him more than I love myself and it scared the fuck out of me. I...I have Casey to think about. I mean, I've just been fucking stringing her along, haven't I? I...I just don't know what to do...it's driving me crazy."

I watch Trent pace the room, and finally he turns to me, "If you love him, what's the problem? You obviously don't care for Casey, so end it. I shouldn't tell you this but..." Trent is biting his lip, and he shakes his head, "No, man...I can't tell you."

I look up at him and take a deep breath, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you."

Trent puts his hand back on my shoulder. I brush it off and stand, "Don't tell Alessandro."

He looks at me strangely, but nods, "I won't, but...I really think you should."

I look back once as I leave the room, and head for my own. We're going to Hawaii tomorrow, and it's our last show together. Even though everybody knows about you and I, I still feel like I have to be secretive about meeting. I write out a note and put it into the pocket of tomorrow's pants. I crawl into bed, hugging the spare pillow close until unconsciousness takes over.

I wake alone, wanting nothing more than to have you near me, to have you by my side.

When the show is over, I slip my note to you and head to my room. I turn on the TV and lay down, worried. I want to feel you so badly, but I need to tell you everything.

Suddenly, you're knocking at my door. I get up and let you in, heading back to the bed and flopping down. I can't tell you right now, so I mumble nonsense, "There's nothing on."

You laugh softly, your beautiful laugh making my skin tingle, "It's Hawaii, they're probably not expecting very many people to watch T.V."

I watch you and sit up. I wind my arm around your waist, pulling you closer. I think about telling you now, while I have you so close. I murmur softly against your abdomen, "Yeah, I guess you're right. I didn't want to watch much T.V. either," I pull away from you, looking up...trying to find the right words to explain everything. You cut me off by kissing me softly. You catch me off guard and intoxicate me with the sweetness of your kiss...your kisses are always so tender. I reach up and trace the small tattoo on the back of your neck; I've memorized it. You run your hands down my chest and stomach, resting them in my lap. My body reacts, and you encourage it. You undress me slowly, teasing me. It's almost too much, and I grip the bed-sheets tightly.

You push at my shoulder, and I lay back, as you possess my body with your hands, kissing me so gently. I tremble, afraid this will be the last time I feel your touch, but I need you so badly.

"Alessandro...I...I want...to feel you..."

You lean over me, breathing heavily, pressing yourself to my entrance, pushing hard. It still hurts a little, but I relish the pain. I spread my legs more for you, feeling your length invading me. I moan softly as I feel my cock rubbing against your abdomen. You watch me, your eyes almost burning into mine, and I realise then that this is my last chance to tell you how I feel. It scares me how much love I feel for you, and I struggle to blink back tears as my body finally reacts to yours. I orgasm, panting softly, trying to hide my tears, and I hear myself whispering your name. I keep whispering, pouring my heart out, and I know you can't hear me. You tell me you can't, your voice almost as scared as mine. I swallow hard, raising my voice a little, "A-Alessandro...I...I'm sorry...I..." my voice catches in my throat.

You tremble, "What is it?"

I'm sure there is nothing I can say that will make you want me as badly as I need you, "I..I l-love you.."

I should have stopped there, but my idiot mind keeps my mouth moving, "B-but...I..I d-don't know if I can do this right now..."

My mind keeps going, fueling my mouth, even though my heart is screaming for me to stop. My heart knows it isn't true, but I keep going, "I...I need time to thinks. I d-don't know what to d-do..about so many things, Alessandro."

I watch as your breath hitches and I see the tears welling up, but you're braver than I am, and they don't fall. Instead, you speak calmly, "I...I understand."

I know you don't understand, and I know I hurt you. I want so badly to tell you how much I need you. I put my hand on your cheek, and instead of telling you I love you with everything I have, I ask you to stay the night. You nod and lay next to me. I lay down behind you and pull you close. It feels so right...it feels like perfection, and I haven't felt this in so long.

You wait until you think I'm asleep before you face me. You kiss me softly and you whisper, "I love you, Jeordie."

I'm so afraid I'll scare you, but I murmur back, "I love you too, Alessandro." I open my eyes and pull you closer, trembling madly, "I...I love you so much it hurts. I...I don't know why I said all that other shit before...I...I want you to stay with me."

You look at me and you're crying, "Jeordie..."

I wait for more, but there is none, "Please...I..I need you, Alessandro."

You bite your lip at first, then whisper, "Not until you've broken up with her."

I close my eyes. I've been so afraid of that. I can't let the world know yet. I'm ashamed of myself for being scared to admit my love for another man, "Allie...I..."

You shake your head and push me away gently, "I can't be used by you anymore, Jeordie. I..." you swallow hard, and look away, "I need to be loved, not used. I...I'm not good enough for you...is that it? Or are you just cowardly? You can't admit you're gay? W-what is it?" You break down crying, and curse at me in Italian, shaking your head and getting out of bed.

"Alessandro, please wait. It..." I can't lie and tell you that I'm not a coward, because I know I am. What happened to me? I don't know who I am, or why I fucked up the best chance of my life. I watch as you leave the room, your shoulders shaking.

I feel like a walking doll for the next few days. I haven't spoken to you, and now I'm at home. I'm with her every day. I tell her I love her, and I do all the things for her that I should be doing for you. I even take her to some red-carpet thing, showing her off, and undoubtedly hurting you. I feel so empty though. I feel like the cast-off shell of someone that used to be happy.

I can't take it anymore, finally, and I've broken up with Casey. I call you and your voicemail answers. I'm excited by the sound of your voice, even if it is just a machine. My voice shakes as I leave you a message, "Alessandro...I...I need you...P-Please...call me back?"

What if I've pushed you too far away? Waiting is pure torture...it's only been six hours and I couldn't be more frantic. What if you've found someone that deserves you? What if you decided that I wasn't worth all the pain I put you through? I know I don't deserve you. I don't deserve your intelligence, your understanding, your beauty. I just don't deserve you at all.

I call again, terrified you've moved on. You don't answer this time either. I leave you another message, and this time I feel my eyes burning with tears. I'm so weak and so needy. I can't stand not having someone by my side. I go to bed, still waiting for your call.

When I wake in the morning there is still no response from you. I wonder if this is how you felt when we were together, not ever really knowing if I'd keep you or not..not knowing if I would ever return your love. I miss you more than anyone I've ever had in my life.

The phone rings and my heart jumps into my throat as I race to answer, "H-hello?"

"Jeordie?"

My heart sinks, it isn't you, "Yeah?"

"Listen, brah, uh...I got Alessandro with me...brah, he asked me if I could tell you n-not to call him again...said he'll c-call you when he can."

"A-Aaron please...t-tell me you're joking...t-tell me y-you're k-kidding, p-please?" my voice cracks, hot tears welling up in my eyes.

Aaron lowers his voice, and I could tell he was being serious, "Naw, brah, I'm not kiddin' but...you know Allie, he's a sensitive dude and when you took all those pictures with that chick...well, shit went off. He's not ready to forgive you yet...but he still loves you, brah. Just don't do anythin' fucked up, and just give him some time, man. He'll come back."

I was trembling, trying not to cry, "Aaron...is he staying with you?"

"For a bit, bro. Me, him and Travis are fuckin' crammed into this tiny place, but it's okay.
Brah...he...he cries himself to sleep, you know. He doesn't think I know, but this place is so fuckin' cheap." Aaron pauses, taking a deep breath, "He's not gonna give you up, Jeordie."

"T-thanks, man." I hang up, not waiting for a response, my mind floating somewhere between hurt and angry. I don't understand how you can feel justified in leaving me hanging..not sure if you'll ever...and suddenly I understand. This is what it was like for you, only so much worse because there was someone else in my life. God, how could I have fucked up so badly?

It's been two weeks and I'm nearly running up the walls with anxiety. Chris keeps telling me to just move on, but he doesn't know about you, he thinks I'm still upset over Casey. I'm not. I feel bad knowing that I just used her, but I can't fix it now. I'm at practice, playing a song when it happens. My phone is ringing, and I know it's you. My happiness explodes when I answer, "Hello?"

"Jeordie..."

It's all you have to say, and I feel tears in my eyes, "I'm so sorry Alessandro...I j-just want it to be right with us. C-Can you forgive me?"

I hear you inhale, slowly, softly; you're smoking, "I love you."

My voice dies as I whimper, "I love you too."

I hear your soft exhale, then you speak, "Jeordie...I don't want to be your secret anymore. Unless you manage to acknowledge me, then I can't come back to you."

I close my eyes and lick my lips, "Alessandro, I'm going to do whatever it takes. I...I've been so lost without having you near me."

You make a gentle noise, a soothing noise, "It doesn't have to be that way anymore. I...I w-want you to tell Chris...n-now, while I'm on the phone. I need to know you'll be able to tell people, Jeordie."

I swallow hard, biting my lip, "N-now?"

Your silence is my answer, and I'm resolved to my task. Chris is in the back room, fiddling with something. I gather my courage and croak, "Chris? C-Can I have a minute bro?"

He looks up and I smile weakly, "I..I gotta tell you something."

He nods, "Go for it."

"I...you know how...I've been all weird lately?"

"Yeah, you've got me worried, actually...what's going on?"

I smile, realising this will be easier than I thought, "Yeah...it's settled, bro. Alessandro and I...we're back together, man."

Chris looks baffled for a minute, but then he grins, clapping me on the back, "Awesome, man." he pauses for a minute, then looks at me, "I'm proud of you, dude. Takes a lot of fuckin' courage to spring something like that, bro."

I put the phone back to my ear and whisper, "When can I see you?"

You're silent for a moment, then you whisper, "Come outside."

I can't believe you're outside, but I dash for the door, bursting out into the cold of the evening. I can see my breath as I pant, looking around frantically for any trace of you. I don't see you, but suddenly I feel your hands on my hips, your arms slowly encircling my waist from behind. I feel your warmth pressing against my back, your chin on my shoulder. I feel the heat of your breath tickling my ear, "Jeordie...I need you."

I would have let you take me right there if you hadn't let me to your car. Waiting is torture as you drive to my house, so I babble incessantly, trying to take the tension out of the air.

Finally we're home and I pull you into the bedroom, kissing you frantically, running my fingers over the slight stubble acquired since the morning.

Your hands run up under my shirt, reminding me of the beauty you create with those hands, the music you have flowing throughout your being. I feel the prickling of tears in my eyes, reminded of how close I came to losing you, because of my own stupidity and cowardice.

You kiss my forehead and cheeks, wiping away my tears, soothing me, "Don't cry my love. We're together now, and I won't let go of you again..."

I close my eyes and kiss you softly, running my fingers through your hair. We both give in to the kiss, relaxing and taking comfort in the other's touch.

Slow, gentle, loving - that's what tonight is about. Your body moves over mine, the muscle in your arms taut, your body damp with sweat.

I close my eyes, feeling your length move inside me. I writhe under you, my arms held down at my wrists, pinned to the bed by your hands. You pant softly, kissing me as you move faster. I wrap my leg around your waist, groaning softly, whimpering.

The sensations overwhelm me and I come violently, hot bursts splashing between us. You pant hotly, nipping at my throat and collarbone as you spasm inside me. You lay heavily on top of me and I'm grateful for the weight of you. I comb your hair back from your face, kissing you softly.

I realise this is my happiness. Knowing that you're here, that you're willing to spend your time with me.

I smile and close my eyes as you whisper, "I really do love you Jeordie."

I don't whisper, for the first time, proud to say it loudly, happy to finally have someone to be with...someone that taught me how to give myself over to my feelings...someone that won't bring back all the hurt I've been through; someone that helped me work out what love really is, "I love you too, Alessandro."