I'm Alone In Here

I'm Alone In Here

Pairing: Gerard Way/Ryan Shuck
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst, comfort
Author's note: I know that Gerard's therapist isn't named Chaz, but I didn't feel like using his real name, so nyah :-P Anyway, this is something I did to try to get my creative juices flowing again. I dunno if or when I'll add to my other stories. Starting to look like a never. Sorry folks. But this is pretty long, so, enjoy.

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I should have been better, I should. I quit the booze, the pills, the drugs, I go to therapy twice a week, and I have a job I love. But... I don't have love. Of any variety, anymore. My band mates have become distant, as I have become something of a chore to them. My own brother took a 'honeymoon' to get away from me. And this isn't me accumulating dark thoughts in my head again, this is what I have been more or less told by my friends and loved ones. My parents dread getting a phone call from me. My wife, well, that was more for publicity than anything. Don't get me wrong though, I adore Lyn-Z and she's a beautiful, intelligent, sweet woman. But I married her so the rumors wouldn't start again.

Yes, I'm gay. No, I'm not coming out of the closet. There was an extremely long discussion as to how it would ruin everyone's careers not to mention everyone's lives. Before you ask, no one in the band is gay but me. The other guys don't even consider swinging just the tiniest bit that way. And I know some are thinking, "Well, he's kissed Frank onstage, so maybe there's hope for him." There isn't, we do that for publicity. Any gay antics you've seen were all for cameras and to make girls scream. Frank brushes his teeth four times and uses mouth wash twice every time after wards.

I sometimes wish I were normal, that I didn't lust after other men. Because sometimes, when they've had a few, the guys can be kind of mean about it. Bob and Ray mostly just snicker and make jokes that we should tour with Elton John, sometimes Frank joins in with worse ones. It makes me wonder exactly what kind of stupid stuff I was doing when I was that drunk. Probably why they talk to me the way they do. It'd explain alot.

But that wasn't really what was bothering me that night. What really bothered me was I was alone and I had been for nearly two weeks, and we were due to go back on tour at the end of January. The guys were off doing their own thing, and they never wanted to come out and spend time with me. My brother was busy with his wife, they wanted to start a family. When I asked if he and Alicia would come over for dinner Mikey sighed and said, "Gerard, I love you, but I just need some time for myself and my wife right now, okay? So call someone else." I did. No one wanted to be around me, or if they did they were too busy.

I know some of you are thinking, "Why doesn't he just go out and find a few fan girls? They'd love to hang out with him." Truth be told, I'd considered it. My heart hurt, so badly. Like it was about to implode on itself from the pain. But, I wasn't sure I could stand incessant giggling and invitations to lewd acts with questionably aged females. What I was thinking, was going down to my old haunt and getting a drink.

But I knew that I had to make one last call first, just one. I picked up the phone and dialed, my breath held. A sleepy voice on the other end said, "Hello?" "Chaz, it's me." There was silence, then, "Gerard?" "Yes, me. Um... Look I'm in a jam okay? I'm really desperate, please could you come over?" He sounded like he was waking up more as he said, "What's wrong?" I explained to him what was happening, and he sighed. "Gerard we talked about this in your last session. When you feel like that you need to reach out to your family, to your friends." "But I- -" "Call them, I'll see you for your session next week." "Please- -" But it was no use, he'd hung up. I tried calling him back but he didn't answer, he must've turned his ringer off.

I could feel tears sliding down my face, but I wiped them away. If that was how they wanted it, that's how they wanted it. I'd tried, and I couldn't take it anymore. I got dressed and left my apartment, heading down to the bar. I was going to drown the depression, the pain, and the loneliness. Alcohol wouldn't kill it, but the liquid would make it stop for a little bit. I wasn't looking forward to breaking my hard earned sobriety, but I was done with that shit. What was the point of staying sober if I didn't have anyone to be sober for?

I found my way there easily, and when I arrived it was fairly crowded so no one noticed me. I sat at the end of the bar and lit up a cigarette. But what to order? I hadn't been drunk in a long time, so... Something light seemed like a good idea. Not a beer, they were too easy to put away, maybe a cocktail. So I looked at the bartender and said, "Cran-vodka please." He nodded and went to mix my drink. He didn't seem to remember me, but I'd seen him here in the old days.

The drink was in front of me, I'd paid for it. All I had to do was put it to my lips and swallow. I chuckled to myself at the thought, realizing how dirty it sounded. I picked up the glass, my hand shaking a bit, and I was about to take a sip when a hand suddenly closed over the top. "I wouldn't do that if I were you." I was about to tell the person off, but my jaw dropped. "Ryan?" I said, surprised.

Ryan Shuck was the lead singer for Julien-K. I didn't know it before we toured with them on the Projekt Revolution tour, but he was also the guitarist for Orgy. I'd listened to Orgy a few times when they first came out, I'd had a boyfriend who was really into them. They seemed like okay guys on the tour, but I hadn't really talked with them since they were friends of Ray and Frank. And they had a tendency to want me far away on that tour. Ryan himself was, well, amazing. He had gorgeous dark hair and ice blue eyes, not to mention a well toned yet lanky frame and finely chiseled facial features. He always wore clothing on the cutting edge of fashion and flawless make up, and next to him I looked down right frumpy in my black jeans, shirt and jacket. And what he was doing in New York, I had no idea.

"Yeah, it's me. What are you doing?" He asked and I raised an eyebrow. "Isn't it obvious? I am preparing to blow up the wagon." Ryan took the drink from me and sat down, asking, "Why?" I just scoffed, then said, "Sure, like you don't know. Like Ray and Frank weren't bitching about me the whole damned time. Give that back." I said, glaring. "No, not until you give me a real reason. And for the record, yes, they did complain about you. But it sounded mostly like it was just typical band shit." Said Ryan.

He set the drink aside and stared at me. "Look, Gerard, Bob filled me in. He told me that you're a bit needy, but you've got reasons. He told me you're on the wagon, for more than just booze." I looked back at Ryan, glaring at him a bit. "Yeah, he's so concerned I'm sure. You know I called him before I came out here. He hung up on me. He wasn't the only one." Ryan sighed, then said, "Sounds like you're having one of those nights, I've had those too. When everything seems wrong, when no one wants to come to your aide, when you feel like darkness is going to eat you alive."

I stared at Ryan, surprised. He had described perfectly, how I felt. "Y-yeah, that's it." I said as I crushed out my smoke. Ryan smiled and said, "I felt the same way for a long time. C'mon." Ryan knocked back the drink, and lead me out of the bar. "Where do you live?" He asked and I pointed, saying, "Down the block." Ryan nodded and took my hand, saying, "I'll stay with you tonight."

My jaw dropped, and I asked, "A-are you sure?" "I'm positive. You need someone, and I'm here." Ryan told me, and I felt my heart expand just a little. We went back up to my place, and I was embarrassed by the state of it when Ryan turned on the light. It was a mess, to put it nicely. Empty take out boxes, clothes, books and CD cases everywhere.

Ryan smiled a bit and asked, "You want me to help you clean up a bit?" I shook my head, then said, "No, I like it this way." "Alright." I sat down on the couch, Ryan following as I flipped on the TV. There was a crappy 1950s sci-fi movie on so, of course, I turned to that. We sat in silence for a bit, then Ryan asked, "So what was so bad that you were willing to break your sobriety?" I sighed and shook my head, saying, "I don't know if you'd understand." "Try me." He said in a friendly voice.

I sighed, hunching forward to bury my face in my hands. "How much did Bob tell you about me?" "Alot." "Everything?" Ryan was quiet, then he asked, "Are you asking if I know you're gay?" I nodded and Ryan chuckled. "I knew that already, he didn't have to tell me." I looked up at Ryan who was still smiling at me softly. "We can smell our own." "So, you're..." I trailed off and he said, "That's right. Well, more bisexual than anything, but I do like men. Did you have a bad break up?" I nodded, then said, "He left me, said I was spending too much time on myself and not enough time on him."

Ryan frowned and asked, "What the hell does that mean?" "Exactly what I asked. He said I was too concerned with my own issues and not worried about his. And that I didn't spend enough time with him doing the things he wanted." I explained, then sighed and leaned back against the couch. I went to light up a cigarette, then briefly remembering that he hated the smell of smoke, I asked, "Do you mind?" Holding up my little coffin nail. "Not at all. So did this revelation come to him before you got off tour or after?"

I thought about it as I lit up, then said, "Before." "Uh huh, see that's just him being a whiny coward. If it was something that was really bothering him he'd have waited until you were off tour to tell you. Or would have said something before you left." Ryan pointed out and I just stared at him. "Wow... You know what? You're right. You're like some kinda weird guru person." Ryan grinned and said, "I have a LOT of experience." I smiled back, but I could feel my eyes watering as I finished my cigarette and put it out.

Ryan scooted closer and asked, "What's wrong?" "N-nobody g-gets it." I told him. Ryan wrapped his arms around me and I started to cry. I could feel my heart getting lighter as Ryan cooed and comforted me as I wept. Finally, I managed to quiet myself and I pulled back. He wiped the tears from my face and asked, "Feel better?" "A little." Ryan nodded and said, "You know what you need?" I shook my head and he kissed me.

It was just a light kiss on the lips, and I was taken by surprise. I gasped, staring at Ryan in surprise. He had a strangely blank look on his face as he asked, "Was I right?" I couldn't comprehend how someone as amazing, talented and sexy as Ryan would ever see anything even remotely attractive in a little comic nerd like me. And I said as much to him. Ryan chuckled and said, "Gerard, you're just as amazing, you're more talented, and you're a hell of alot sexier than I am. And, I'll admit it, since the tour I've nursed a crush on you."

I felt my heart pumping hard in my chest as he said it, amazed as I said, "I didn't think you felt that way about me." "I was just as shy to talk to you. When I saw you at the bar tonight... I felt like I'd been given a second chance to step up and say something. And when I figured out the condition you were in, I knew I could help you. But," Ryan sighed and leaned back into the couch as well, "I don't want you to feel obligated to go out with me, and to be honest I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if you were mad at me for springing it on you like that."

I just stared at Ryan, in near shock. Before he could respond I slid over and straddled his lap, kissing him passionately. Ryan gave a surprised cry, then moaned and wrapped his arms around me. We kissed like neither of us had ever kissed someone before. His fingers tangled in my hair as I sighed. He could really kiss, I wasn't sure if it was because he had experience or because of how much he liked me.

Finally we broke away, panting and staring at each other. Ryan kissed my forehead and smiled. "Gerard... I don't know if I'm in love with you, but I do know I love you, and I want to make love to you. If you'll let me." "Why? Why do you love me?" I asked him, confused. He smiled and said, "You're beautiful. You're a beautiful person inside and out. I could see that when you talked to your fans, when you performed, when you were around your friends. You just have this light about you that's undeniable." I smiled and I could feel a tear sliding down my face. He wiped it away with his thumb as I said, "Yes, yes please Ryan. I... I need you." Ryan nodded and guided me off his lap. He stood up, bringing me with him and asked, "Where's your bedroom?" I took his hand and lead him down the hall, my heart now pounding like a jackhammer in my chest.

Part of me was nervous, the other part exhilarated that someone like Ryan would even consider a person like me. And he said that he loved me. I knew he'd been clear, that he wasn't sure he was in love with me, how could he be when we'd barely spoken before? But that he loved me in a way that wasn't brotherly and wasn't spurned on by some kind of deranged teenage fantasy was enough. Actually, it was exactly what I needed.

I opened the door to my room, which was much cleaner than the rest of my apartment. Ryan closed the door and pressed me against it, kissing me again. I shivered as I wrapped my arms around his neck. It was a little awkward, since he was taller than me but we managed. He slid a hand behind my head, and his lips slid from my mouth to my neck. He sucked the tender flesh gently and I moaned. He looked at me, smirking a bit as he asked, "Did I find your weak spot?" I nodded and he smiled fully, kissing me.

Ryan pulled me over to the bed. I smiled a bit and said, "I smeared your make up." "Not easily done either, you should be proud." Ryan replied. He kissed me again, his hands sliding inside my jacket and slipping it off of me. He was gentle as he began to unbutton my shirt, laying little butterfly kisses on my collar. After he undid each button, he'd kiss the skin he'd exposed, making me shiver. when he exposed the area just over my heart, he lay more gentle kisses on top of it as he got the rest of the shirt open.

The shirt went the same way as the jacket and he lay me down on the bed. I kicked off my shoes, then pulled off my socks as Ryan slowly undressed. He was watching me as he did so, until he was left only in his jeans, like I was. Ryan crawled onto the bed, hovering above me as he kissed me again. He settled on top of me, content to kiss and caress me. He was gingerly running his hands down my body, then Ryan looked at me and asked, "Gerard, are you sure you want this?"

I stared up into Ryan's cool blue eyes, I could feel the hesitancy in his voice, and a slight bit of fear. Then I knew what it was. It wasn't just that I needed Ryan, he needed me too. He needed to know that I wouldn't reject him, that I wouldn't find him unworthy. Why he held me in such high esteem I didn't know, but I kissed him and said, "Yes, I'm sure." Ryan grinned at me, and it was a beautiful sight. He gave me a slow, lingering kiss, his tongue exploring my mouth as he opened the fly on my jeans. Ryan hooked his thumbs into the belt loops and pulled them down, revealing that I wasn't wearing underwear.

Ryan chuckled and asked, "Any particular reason for going commando today?" I blushed and said, "I didn't have any clean underwear." He laughed as he dragged them off of me. He pulled off his own jeans, revealing that he wasn't wearing underwear either. "Condom? Lube?" He asked and I gestured to the night stand, saying, "First drawer." Ryan nodded and dug in the draw, extracting a condom and a small tube of lube.

He practically glided back onto the bed, kissing me. "It's not quite time for that..." He murmured, then slithered down my body. I wondered what he was doing, until I felt the tip of his tongue on my cock. I gasped and he licked the under side of the shaft, making me shiver uncontrollably. Then Ryan's mouth engulfed me and I moaned. Ryan was teasing me with his tongue, as he sucked me gingerly. It was turning me on even more, if that was possible.

I whined a bit as I felt a tickling at my entrance. Ryan must have lubed his fingers, but when had he done that? I was losing time with him, a good sign. He slowly worked one finger into me, crooking it and making me moan. "Oh God... Ryan..." I whispered. He pulled back, and I grunted at the loss of contact, which ended in a cry when he pushed another finger into me. My back arched and he slid his fingers into my hair, massaging my scalp.

Ryan stared into my eyes as he did this, as his fingers wriggled inside, making me writhe against him. He was panting, and I leaned up a bit, licking the pulse point on his neck. Ryan shuddered, then smiled. He scissored his fingers and I groaned when he removed them. He kissed me, another deep, probing kiss. I then heard the condom wrapper being ripped open. I sat up, taking the condom from him. I carefully rolled it onto his dick, smoothing it out. Ryan sighed, his head falling back slightly as I stroked him a few times.

I picked up the lube, not wanting to be a submissive party in this. I squirted it into my hand, then coated his sex. I knew Ryan could feel it through the condom, he was moaning with every other breath. Ryan then stopped my hands, pushing me back into the bed. We were both physically prepared, but we watched each other, each making sure the other was emotionally prepared as well.

Ryan slowly spread my legs, almost languidly. It was with this same, tentative motion that he pushed the head of his cock inside me. I gasped, making a choked sound. I hadn't had sex with anyone in months, saving myself for my ex when I got off tour. But when I got back from Projekt Revolution, he'd already left. After that, I felt so guilty I still couldn't sleep with anyone. Ryan was terrified he'd hurt me, and stopped moving immediately. "Oh fuck... Gerard, oh, oh fuck did I hurt you?" He asked, and I could have laughed.

"N-no, it's just, I haven't had sex since May." I told him, blushing. "As in May 2007? No wonder you're so lonely. And so hard." Ryan said, grasping my shaft and pumping it. I took in a shuddering breath, hardly able to and hardly able to move. Ryan moved in deeper, slowly, countering those actions with the motions of his hand until he was fully sheathed inside of me. We lay there, staring at each other. Ryan kissed me and said, "God baby..." He pressed his lips to my throat, "You feel so good around me."

I shivered and knew he was asking me if I was ready. I nodded and moved my hips up against him. Ryan started at a slow pace, still jacking me as he went. It felt good, and as I stared up at him, I did feel loved. I thought my heart would burst from my chest as I moved back against him. "Faster." I whispered, and he did as I asked, thrusting into me harder. He groaned loudly and I whined, which turned into a sigh.

Ryan pulled me up, so that he was sitting up and I was on his lap. He was thrusting up into me, one arm wrapped around me as his hand struggled to match pace. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, rolling my hips downwards in return. Ryan moaned and we were looking into aether's eyes. We kissed, and I trembled, knowing I was getting close. I could feel he was as well, as he moved faster inside me.

"Ryan... Ryan... I'm close. Gonna come." I panted in a hoarse voice. "Go with it, don't hold back, go with it baby." He whispered back. My body seized up and I screamed, which ended in his name as I came in Ryan's hand. He lay me back against the bed, thrusting into me a few more times until he followed me into orgasm.

We lay there, breathing heavy and sweating, but both of us not only too fatigued but too happy to move. We were just basking in the after glow. After what seemed like ages, Ryan sat up and withdrew, taking off the condom and tossing it into the rubbish bin by the bed. He pulled me into a sitting position, smiling as he kissed me. "How do you feel?" He asked. "Like a million silver coins. Because, y'know, they're shiny." Ryan laughed a bit, then said, "C'mon, let's get a shower."

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I was half expecting it to be a dream. That when I woke up, Ryan wouldn't be there, that the whole thing was a figment of my imagination. Driven crazy by loneliness. I was so frightened I wouldn't even open my eyes, determined to cherish the last moments of what I thought were a particularly good dream. Until I smelled coffee. I opened my eyes as Ryan came into the room, two cups of coffee in his hands. He saw I was awake and smiled, handing me one as I sat up. "Good morning." I said, sipping the coffee. "Morning to you too." Ryan said.

He drank some of his coffee, then looked at me and said, "I came to a decision last night." "What's that?" I asked. "I decided... I am in love with you. It's okay if you don't love me back, but I'm in love with you and I'd like you to know." Ryan informed me, like he was telling me about an interesting song he'd just finished. But I could tell he was nervous, it was in the back of his eyes. I pushed some of his hair out of his face, then said, "If it helps... I think I fell in love with you last night, when you saved me from making a bad choice."

Ryan's face cracked into a silly, but contagious grin which I mirrored. We each put our coffee cups on the night stand and I squealed, then giggled as he pulled me back under the covers.

The End.

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Okay, so, review are very much appreciated, so do so please.