I Will Follow You Into the Dark

I Will Follow You Into the Dark
by Ian (poopsmcgee420@gmail.com)
Rating: R
Genre: Angst, SongFic, Deathfic
Parining(s): HyukHae
Warnings: Death, mild gay
Word count: 1611
A/N: Song: I Will Follow You Into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie. This song makes me cry all the damn time. Enjoy reading!

"Love of mine
Someday you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding lights
Or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark"

Fingers gently caressed soft skin, the room silent but for a few heavy breaths. And then the hand fell away and the air was filled by a desperate cry, the sound of heartbreak. HyukJae threw himself down over Donghae, sobbing powerfully into his chest, clinging to him.

"Please," HyukJae cried out against the other's shirt, "please, God, give him back.... Please, I'll do anything, anything..."

Despite the others in the room, HyukJae had never felt so alone. Donghae - his Donghae - was gone.

EeTeuk's hand came to rest on HyukJae's shoulder, and HyukJae looked up at him, his reddened eyes pleading, begging the other to make it not true. Tears streamed down EeTeuk's cheeks silently, and he knew he could not give HyukJae that comfort, though he wanted to with all his heart. His arms wrapped around HyukJae, offering at the very least the comfort of a friend, all the while knowing how minuscule that offer had to seem just then. HyukJae held to EeTeuk tightly, almost painfully, crying onto his shoulder.

"Please..." The word was whispered, broken. The man who spoke it was empty. The hole in his heart was filling itself with intense pain, and he could do nothing to stop it. "Please..."

Somehow he found himself soon after in a van, leaning against EeTeuk whose shoulders moved occasionally as the older sniffled. His own tears had become silent as well, aside from his sniffling, and he felt he would never stop crying. How had they gotten into this van? Where were they going? Where was his Donghae? Had they taken him away now, now that he was...? Hukjae would not let himself think the word. If he did, it would become to real...

How had none of them noticed until it was to late? Had they all just been too tired, too worn down to see that his stress was much worse? How had he not seen, how had he just let Donghae...? A sond escaped him, soft, pained, and the others turned to him in concern, but his eyes were shut tight, imagining the world was gone and he was alone, him and Donghae, smiling... So happy, carefree...

What he wouldn't give to be with Donghae now, wherever he was, oh, he would give the world, everything he had and more... He would give himself... The thought scared him a bit, but he knew it was true, there was nothing left here for him to love, even if his torn heart would ever feel again.

"In Chatholic school
Vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised
By a lady in black
And I held my tongue
As she told me, 'Son,
Fear is the heart of love.'
So I never went back"

HyukJae hadn't managed to pull himself from his bed for almost three days. The others seemed accepting but he wouldn't have cared if they'd been annoyed; there was nothing in this world that could bring him any lower or make him change how he was acting. The day Donghae had... left, was the day his world had left him. He had nothing without his Donghae.

His days spent alone and crying were full of memories, as painful as they were to him now. He could remember clearly their first kiss, Donghae finally pinning him to the wall of the hallway after weeks spent avoiding one another's gazes, of knowing, of trying not to know. How he'd wished he'd known then how precious little time they'd have together, he would have done it differently, he was sure. Despite his strong religious upbringing, something about Donghae made him absolutely irresistible as he was pinned to that wall, and Hyukjae knew it wasn't physical. If his religion condemned this, then was he damned? Because he let Donghae kiss him, kissed him back, felt passion, and love, a stronger love than he'd known could exist. And he'd rather spend an eternity with Donghae, both damned to hell, than let Donghae go alone, he himelf rising to heaven. Because he knew even then that any place spent without Donghae was hell, even surrounded by angels and goodness.

And a year had passes quickly, their days spent holding hands, stealing quick kisses backstage, letting the others know but not the general public - what a scandal that would have caused... He wished that they'd known now, that he hadn't been ashamed of their public image... 365 days after that fateful hallway liplock, Hyukjae had come home after being taken out by EeTeuk to find the whole place lighted dimly, beautifully decorated, with no-one around but Donghae, who dropped to one knee. Hyukjae's breath had caught in his throat as a ring was presented to him. Be with me forever. How could he refuse? He dropped to the ground, arms wrapping around Donghae, lips meeting desperately, happily, tearfully. Yes, yes... Forever... That night for the first time they'd found the true bliss one could find with a lover, their bodies becoming one, holding each other through pain, through pleasure, through intense climax, and then through sleep, which came easily after such physical exertion.

Hyukjae gently fingered the silver band still on his finger as a fresh batch of tears came to his eyes. Despite the passing days, the pillow beside him still smelled of his lover, the scent delicious and extremely depressing. He took the scent into his senses deeply, then exhaled slowly. Soon even this would be gone... His body shook with sobs, again finding himself begging, begging the God he had abandoned in favor of love, begging to give Donghae back, telling Him he would give anything. But he knew, he knew he was gone, that nothing could bring him back....

You and me
Have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes
Are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

Day four of his depression, Hyukjae finally managed to find a bit of inspration to lift himself from the bed, venturing carefully out into the hosehold beyond his bedroom door.The first person he saw was Shiwon, whose eyes went a bit wide at the sight of his bandate finally up and moving around. The taller's eyes had red rims and he had obviouslt been crying recently, but Hyukjae found this unsurprinsing and gently touched Shiwon's hand, offering him half a smile which was returned. A calmness seemed to have settled over Hyukjae which he could not explain even to himself, but he appreciated it for the moment, knowing it could leave him at any moment.

He found EeTeuk in the parlour, eyes looking heavy from lack of sleep but not red-rimmed like Shiwon's. He wrapped a hand around EeTeuk's upper arm. The older's gaze met his own, and Hyukjae could see how lost he seemed. "He's alright now." Though unsure what exactly he meant with the words, it felt right to say them then to their leader. "He's alright."

EeTeuk merely nodded and then sat heavily on the couch, eyes drifting shut and a sigh escaping him. Hyukjae sat with him. Then he crawled into EeTeuks lap, wrapping his arms around the older and feeling arms wrap around him in return. He felt like a child, like a toddler who'd been hurt, seeking the comfort of his mother, who offered it with the love only a mother could possess for her child. His umma's comfort was deep and satisfying and he released a gentle sigh, feeling no tears come because he'd cried all he possibly could. Pulling back just slightly, he kissed EeTeuk's cheek. "You're wonderful."

EeTeuk looked at the other with sad, defeated eyes. HyukJae knew he didn't feel so wonderful at the moment. "Well be alright, too," EeTeuk finally said.

Hyukjae's smile was so sad it broke EeTeuk's heart. "I know we will."

Carefully, he pulled himself off of EeTeuk, squeezing his hand gently before leaving the room. His calmness and the other's words to him seemed then to make sense, and he knew what he had to do, what had to be done. Reentering his room, he pulled out a pen and paper and began writing.

If Heaven and Hell decided
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the "No"s
On their vacancy signs
If there's no-one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

Then I'll follow you into the dark

Seven bottles lined the floor in front of Hyukjae. It was the beginning of the month, so they were mostly full, the others having only taken some of their various prescriptions so far. Two glasses of water were to his left, full, waiting. He reread the page in his hand. After several failed attempts at a passable letter, he'd decided to simply write lyrics, neatly scrawled across the blue-lined page. After all, those words seemed more fitting than any he could come up with. At the end, he wrote, Don't be sad for me, or for him. We're alright now.

He emptied the bottles together onto the floor and then began taking the pills, one at a time, then two, then five. The first few went down easily, but soon it became more difficult to swallow, like his body realized whathe was trying and was attepmting to stop him. Nonetheless, he continued on until all the pills were gone. He was dizzy, a little nauseous, and he laid in his bed, shivering slightly. He covered himself in his blanket. The shivering contined.

He glanced arond the room briefly before shutting his eyes and letting his sudden tiredness take over. His world went black.