Remembering Spencer

A/N: Loosely based on the song 'Remembering Sunday' by All Time Low.

Jon Walker woke up on a very uncomfortable couch. He think's that there's a spring poking him in the back and he's overly groggy from sleep and the booze. Jon sit's up and scrubs a hand over his face, the rough stubble brushing against his hand. He stand's up and wobble's, almost fall's back on the couch but he catches himself on the shabby arm and manages to stay standing.

Jon's looking for his shoes, he doesn't really know where he kicked them off at. His brown eyes scan the dark apartment. Jon think's that he was dreaming, he can't really remember what he was dreaming about, but he know's he felt happy.

The boy finally find's his shoes, one was on the other side of the coffee table while the other was by the front door. The clock catches his eye and he doesn't really care that it's past two in the morning.

Jon head's out of the apartment and thump's down the stairs, he's not even trying to be quiet. Jon make's it outside and it's cool out, the air feel's good against his flushed skin. He move's quietly down the sidewalk, his hand against the rough red brick of the building to support himself. Jon stop's at the corner and take's a moment to gather his thoughts.

He's drunk, if he's being honest with himself then he hasn't been sober for day's . Jon doesn't think he's drunk enough to be incapacitated, no, he just drink's enough, what he need's to take the edge off of life. The boy presses his back against the corner of the building and it's cool too. He lean's up into the night's breeze and it feel's so good.

Suddenly an image float's through Jon's mind. It's that of a boy, young, probably a few year's younger than him. It's someone Jon know's well. It's Spencer, the boy from Jon's mind, from his dreams, it's Spencer, all dark hair and bright eyes and devilish smiles.

The feelings that come with remembering Spencer are a bit too much for Jon at the moment and he fall's to his knee's on the sidewalk. It doesn't hurt or at least Jon can't feel it if it does.

The last thing Jon remember's about Spencer is that the two of them ate breakfast together, egg's if he remember's correctly. It's hard to remember it right, the past week of his life has been a blur covered by a drunken haze. Jon can't remember much more about what happened over breakfast but he does know that it didn't last as long as his need for alcohol.

The boy trudges down a few streets, they're mostly empty, any sane person would be asleep by now. Jon's lost in minutes but at the same time the part of the city he find's himself in feel's familar, like he's been here before, chances are that he has. He has a habit of traveling when intoxicated.

Jon stop's and waits for a light to change, a few cars whiz by him and he stares at the little blinking hand across the street until his eyes start to water. He think's that something else comes back to him, something about Spencer. He can remember the younger boy grinning, a grin so devious that it betrayed the innocence in the boy's bright blue eyes. Jon can remember Spencer tugging on his hand, leading him up the stairs, leading him to a place he was dying to get into.

The light changes and Jon is walking again, the same cool breeze surrounding him but it actually feel's good. Maybe it doesn't, maybe it's just thinking about Spencer and that's making Jon feel this way. It seems that Jon's feet decide where he want's to go, that he want's to go and find Spencer.

Jon trudges around to different building's, their solid figures towering in the night sky. He steps back and peer's up, searching his addled mind for any signs that this building is where Spencer lives. He can't remember, he's pretty pissed at the fact that almost all the apartment buildings in this city look the same.

Jon manages to get inside the building, there's a bored looking doorman sitting in the lobby. He look's at Jon with curious wide brown eyes and purses his plump lip's. The doorman is young, probably younger than Jon but maybe the same age as Spencer, if not a bit older. Jon's guessing that the guy is considering kicking Jon out of the building, thinking he's some lush that's looking for a warm place to sleep. Jon doesn't think about how close to right that young doorman would be.

"Can I help you?" He asks, standing and still eyeing Jon, maybe a look of pity mixed with fear this time. Jon tries to smile, tries to look like he's not here to hurt anyone, tries to look like Spencer would like.

"Forgive my rudeness but there's this guy I'm trying to find." Jon explain's, he doesn't tell the doorman about how Spencer's been in his dreams and how much Jon loves that dark haired, blue eyed boy. The doorman look's wary now but he's quiet, as if letting Jon continue. "Spencer." Jon says it like it's all the information anyone in this world need's.

The doorman sighs, taps his fingers against the silver counter for a moment before he lean's over and check's the little laptop on the counter. His brown eyes scan the screen for a split second before he shakes his head, again staring at Jon with that pitiful look.

"Sorry, there's no Spencer that lives here." The doorman tell's him. Jon doesn't really see a reason for the man to lie, he was probably just mistaken about all the similar looking building's. Spencer must live in another apartment building.

Jon nod's, tries his smile again and leaves the building. The wide eyed doorman staring at him all the while.

The boy is wandering again, searching his mind for everything he know's about Spencer. He knows that Spencer likes ketchup on his egg's, that he like's the rain, Jon know's that Spencer works at an organic supermarket downtown. He's known the kid for five months and they've been sleeping together just as long yet he can't remember what building the boy lives in. That fact is almost enough to make Jon consider lightining up on his drinking, almost.

He find's another building, similar to the one he had just been to. There's no doorman here, Jon's kind of relieved about that but that mean's no one to ask, that mean's he'll have to search for himself.

There's an elevator and that kinda seem's familar, like maybe he's been pushed up against it before, like he's felt Spencer's hands on him while he was inside. Jon takes the elevator. He knows that when he does find Spencer that the younger boy won't be too pleased. It's usually Spencer who find's Jon, Spencer who makes everything happen while Jon's just there for the ride. Maybe that's why this is so hard? Maybe he's never really had to find Spencer before.

Jon lean's against the wall in the elevator and thinks about what button to push. Tries to recall what white button is always lit up when Spencer is biting at his lip. It's three he think's but he's not sure, he hit's three anyway and closes his eyes when the floor lurches, the machine heading up, bringing Jon to Spencer.

If Jon really think's about it he knows that he loves Spencer. That there's no one else in this entire world that he'd go running around the city in search of, only him, only Spencer. The thing about the younger boy though is that he doesn't actually believe in love. Spencer believes in lust, in fucking and having fun. He believes in 'I'll see you when I see you' and nothing else. Jon doesn't even have Spencer's phone number.

But Jon does love him, of all the things in his world that's what he's most sure of. The elevator stop's at the second floor and the silver door's shudder open but the hall is empty. The door's slide close and the machine is rising again, making Jon feel slightly sick but Spencer is worth it. Jon is more than determined to call Spencer's bluff, to make him believe in love. That thing's can be more than a series of one night stand's and making out in elevator's, that they could be happy together on a daily basis.

Jon's pretty damn sure he want's to marry Spencer. When he find's him he's going to propose, he kind of wishes he had thought to buy a ring, he shakes it off. Spencer won't mind if Jon gives him an I.O.U. Even Spencer can't deny the butterflies that he knows they both get when they're together.

The elevator stops on the third floor and Jon ambles out, peering down the hallway and trying to remember if this is right, if this is where he should be, where Spencer is. It feel's right, if he tries hard enough he can see Spencer holding his wrist and leading him down this hall.

The hall is dim and beige and there's little golden numbers on the brown door's. Jon can't remember Spencer's number. The boy strides down the hall, goes as far as his memory can take him and then he stop's, then he's fucked because there's so many door's and it's two-thirty in the morning. Who knows, maybe luck will be on his side and maybe he'll find Spencer on the first try.

Jon knocks on the door with the number five on it. He knocks too loud and too long and he wouldn't be at all surprised if he end's up getting his ass kicked out here in this hallway. Thump's along the floor and the door is pulled open by a short man with black hair and tattoo's all along his tanned arm's and chest.

"Who the fuck are you and why are you at my door at a quarter to three in the morning?" The man asks, his voice thick with sleep and annoyance.

"I'm sorry, I really don't mean to be a bother but I'm wondering if you've seen this guy?" Jon start's and he describes Spencer as best as his memory can serve, he doesn't actually think he can sum up just how gorgeous the younger boy is. Jon is surprised as fuck that the guy actually stand's there and listen's, he look's somewhat amused and maybe there's a bit of the same pity that the doorman had.

"I'm gonna ask him to marry me." Jon add's as if that will help, because who doesn't want to help a guy whose in love? The dark haired guy smiles a bit, lot's of big white teeth and he's smiling despite Jon waking him up but he also shakes his head.

"I'm sorry, I don't know who he is. I hope you find him though." The man says and hell, at least he didn't slam the door in Jon's face, he appreciates that.

The boy moves on to more door's, picking at random but the next three people are no where near as kind as the first guy had been. It didn't matter that Jon was pleading, that he played the 'I'm going to marry that boy.' card, they didn't care and he was denied again and again and again.

Jon couldn't blame them, if he was a normal person as opposed to who he actually is, well, he would do the same.

Jon's not giving up though and he pick's another door, one with the number seven on it. Someone anwsers here too, a stick thin boy with brown hair and a slightly womanly face. He seem's more scared of Jon than anyone else had been so Jon tries to smile a lot, which maybe scared him more. Jon explain's his problem again, looking for Spencer, how the boy run's through his mind and drives him crazy with want and need, how they eat breakfast together sometimes and of course how he's determined to make Spencer believe in love.

The brown haired guy watches him with deep eyes and Jon stand's there, praying that this guy knows where his Spencer is. Jon wonders when he started referring to Spencer as 'his'.

"I know Spencer." The guy says and Jon smiles a real smile for the first time that night. Finally, he can find Spencer and sleep in the younger boy's bed and eat some real food for the first time that week. The brown haired guy doesn't seem as excited as Jon though. "I know him..but I'm sorry, he moved away last week." The boy add's, just as quickly Jon's heart drop's to his feet.

"Oh." Is all he can manage to say, that real smile slipping off his face and crumbling as it hit's the floor.

"I'm sorry, I don't know where he went." The brown haired boy add's and Jon shakes his head. It's not this guy's fault, not at all. Jon should've looked for him earlier, should've asked for a phone number, should've proposed the first time he and Spencer met, that's what he should've done.

He let's the brown haired guy go back to sleep but it's obvious that the guy is worried about him, asks him if he want's money for a cab. Jon shakes his head and takes the elevator back downstairs. Part of him want's to go wake the first guy back up, talk to him again just so he doesn't have to be alone.

Jon get's back down to the main floor and he's maybe wishing that he had taken the offer for the cab because it's raining now. It's a soft kind of rain, a little chilly but it serves to wake Jon up, to make him feel oddly alive. It comfort's him a bit and make's him think of Spencer.

He left just like that, no goodbye. It's quickly becoming apparent that the younger boy never felt the same way about Jon that he felt about him. He probably would've rejected the marriage proposal. Along with the rain there were cloud's, cloud's that seemed to have been following Jon all night, following him in his desperate quest to find Spencer. If he wanted to get all poetic he would say that the cloud's were crying for him, for his lack of a Spencer in his life.

The rain doesn't stop and Jon's soaking by the time he get's close to home, to where he started. He does like how everything sort of glitters in the rain, the light's glow and the dark street's glisten, everything smell's better and despite how shitty this night has turned out he can't bring himself to wallow in it.

Spencer is probably better off anyway, probably doing something great with his life while Jon lives day by day shitfaced and waiting for something better. He doesn't want to think about how Spencer was probably his something better.

Jon get's home and he really just want's to go home and sleep it off, wait till tomorrow and go buy himself some more booze. Maybe try to find those people he woke up and apologize to them. Maybe tell that doorman with the brown eyes and the plump lip's not to pity him so much.

The boy's in the lobby and he decides to check his mailbox, it's small and square and silver. He rarely check's it anymore because he mostly get's bill's nowadays, the letter's he used to get from his mom and dad long since stopped coming. Spencer was always the one who chided him about checking his mail, telling him to do it more often.

Jon fumbles with the keychain, flips around spare key's that he can't quite remember acquiring until he find's the mail key, the only gold one among the silver copies. He get's the mailbox open and fishes out the letter's, there's a lot of them. He was right because most if not all of them are bill's. One does catch his eye, the handwriting on the front was different, was beautiful and written with care. His name scrawled along the envelope.

There's no return address but still Jon drop's all the other letter's in his hand at the time. He'll get back to them sooner or later. Jon rip's open the letter and pull's out the sheet of notebook paper, the neat handwriting here too, black ink streaking the page in glorious cursive that makes Jon's bone's tingle.

He lean's back against the mailboxes, little lock's digging into his back but he doesn't care.

It only takes him a split second to realize that the letter is from Spencer.


'Dear Jon,

If you're reading this letter that mean's I'm gone. Sorry, I haven't been in contact with you lately...the truth is that...I'm sick Jon. I've been in and out of the hospital for years now and well, a few week's ago I had a bed spell, I went back. I swear to god I thought I would be okay..I just thought it was a minor thing, something I could bounce back from, just like all the times before.

I guess I was wrong.

The doctors told me that I've gotten worse...they told me I'm not going to make it Jon.

I'm dying.

That's why I wrote this for you, so, you would know why I never came back, so, you would know that I didn't just abandon you. I know I could've brought you to the hospital but I didn't want you to see me like this, I don't look like myself...it's really scary...

I guess it kind of makes sense now, why I didn't want anything beyond sex with you. At least, I hope it does. See, I always knew I would die young and I didn't want anyone to suffer through losing me...god, I'm sorry. I know what I said but I really did love you Jon, I loved you and I thought I was protecting you...but now, now I'm thinking I did something terrible...maybe I shouldn't have told you...then it wouldn't have hurt as much, at least you could've hated me.

It's raining right now...I can't hear it well in this place but it's okay. Maybe the rain will wash away the guilt, maybe it will wash me out of your mind.

Don't worry okay Jon? I won't really be gone, I'll be keeping an eye on the world...on you. If you really think about it, I'll be home in the clouds and I'll be a part of the rain...I'll always be with you in some way, towering over your head.

I know I never said goodbye in person, this is the best I could do. Try to take care of yourself okay Walker? I can only protect you so much from where I'll be. I really did love you and I'm sorry things turned out this way, but you did make the remainder of my time better than I ever thought it could be.

If you really miss me, just look up.

Love, Spencer'

The hand writing, so beautiful was shaky by the end of the letter, maybe Spencer was too weak to write, maybe it was just the emotion's he was finally sharing.

It might've been the rain, maybe Jon could convince himself that it was rain and that he wasn't crying.

Afterward's he folded the letter up so carefully and slipped it into the pocket of his coat. He does what Spencer asked and look's up at the dark, star dotted grey sky.

It all kind of makes sense to him now in the strangest way. All night Spencer had been with him, all those damn cloud's that had been following him, the rain that had seemed to comfort him, the way the sky cried when Jon couldn't find Spencer. He get's it now.

Jon never had to look for Spencer because Spencer was with him all along.

He smiles at the thought, is tempted to run out into the rain but then he'd probably get sick and that wouldn't be taking care of himself like Spencer wanted. Jon pat's the spot where Spencer's letter is tucked away, there's really not much he can do. Jon look's away from the rain, can still feel it wet and soft against his skin, he turn's and does the only thing he can do.

Jon goes home.