Goodbye

Warning: Angst. Song-fic.

Pairings: Hide-zou/Asagi (one-sided). Asagi/Miyavi. Ruiza/Hide-zou (one-sided).

Mildly linked to mikazuki_chan and my rpg. :)

In my dreams, I'm dying all the time

Hide-zou realized it when Asagi raised his cool eyes - when their eyes met - it was passion versus -

Hide-zou didn't know what to call it.

Apathy? Deadness? Even after the kiss...

I never meant to hurt you

He bit his lip and lowered his head in defeat, his hands letting go of Asagi's lax ones.

"You never will..." he whispered.

"I'm sorry." Asagi shook his head. His hands took Hide-zou's - the guitarist watched as black nail polish blurred with pink.

Tell the truth - you never wanted me

"Your... passion..." Asagi said softly. "And..." He hesitated, as if picking his way through a minefield.

Hide-zou always thought that Asagi chose his words like a jeweler chose gems.

"Dedication... it's an honour... but -"

"But..." Hide-zou whispered bitterly. "There's another."

In my dreams, I'm jealous all the time

"I'm sorry." Asagi withdrew, leaving Hide-zou alone in bitter silence.

The guitarist had lost his words. He found himself on the top of the building, looking over the railing contemplatively. The rain falling gently - wetting his hair, hands and already wet cheeks.

Asagi. Asagi and Miyavi. He KNEW it. For Kami's sake, he'd been watching them talking, eating, kissing, hugging, laughing, sharing, dressing up, baking, having sweet sweet sex under their bedsheets...

But he knew - it was only a dream -

As I wake, I'm going out of my mind

His feet were on the lower railing, below him, cars raced around, people walked, talked, laughed... The wind was whipping his hair and flappy jacket. It was cold. Everywhere. The metal railing, slippy beneath his feet - against his moist hands - the cold rain and the loneliness...

"But I, being poor, have only my dreams. I have laid my dreams at your feet. Tread softly, for you tread on my dreams."

The dream was over. Only a living nightmare of loneliness remained.

--

This is your life. Is it everything you dreamed it would be?

Ruiza wondered.

Why does life do this to us? Asagi talks about the Christian god - Buddha - and the meaning of faith - but what about the here and now? Does he not realize...

As he stepped forward to Hide-zou, now poised precariously on the rails, he wondered.

If life is a nightmare... is it worth saving?

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Songs: Porcelain by Moby. This Is Your Life by Switchfoot.