Surely

"'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' Patrick screamed, slamming a fist on the ground as his tears began to pour forth. 'You can't be dead, Panda, you can't! I don't know what I'll do without you!'"

Pete clutched his side, trying to simultaneously hold his laptop and stay on the counter as he laughed. "Can you believe the fangirls read this shit?"

"I can't believe you write that shit," his other half chuckled, giving the pot on the stove a good stir. "Do you know how many of our peers would kick your ass for encouraging fanfiction? Let alone writing some of the cheesiest shit ever put on the Internet."

"You love it and you know it," Pete smirked, refocusing on his typing. "And the fans love it, that last story I wrote got 780 hits in the first day alone, that's huge for a fanfiction."

"I'll take your word for it. Here, taste." Patrick held out the wooden spoon to Pete, who eagerly sucked the sauce off the end. "What d'you think, does it need anything?"

"It's to die for, angel, don't change a thing," Pete grinned mischievously, pulling the other in for a kiss and letting him taste. "See? Downright yummy."

"You're a whore, Peter," he growled in response, kissing back just as hard until the vibration of his cellphone in his pocket drew his attention. "Goddammit... Hello?"

"Excuse me, good sir, do you have any used penguins for sale?" came the reply from the other end in a familiar bad accent.

"Joe! Shit, man, I was thinking about you the other day. We haven't talked, like, the whole time we've been off." Patrick smiled and gave a 'Yeah, it's Joe' nod in Pete's direction.

"I know, man, what's the deal there? Whatchu been up to?"

"Eh, you know, keeping busy, doing production stuff. How're things with Marie and the pets?"

"No complaints whatsoever. Marie's starting to get into all that wedding crap, though, so I feel there's nagging in my near future."

"You two set a date yet?"

"I think we're thinking sometime in the spring, maybe an outdoor ceremony. Though, if that's the case, Marie and Andy are gonna be butting heads over keeping him in a full suit long enough to get through the vows."

Patrick snorted and snuck a glance at Pete, who was watching the conversation with amusement. "Yeah, that's gonna be an obstacle. She's resourceful, though, she'll find a way around it."

"Yup, I've got me a keeper."

"Hey, I've got dinner going right now, and I kinda need both hands. How about you swing by tomorrow, four-ish?"

"Sounds great, man. Shall we invite Peter the Wonder Ego as well?"

A sly smile spread across his face as he glanced over at his other half again. "Sure, I'll give him a call. I haven't seen the cheeky bastard at all either." Pete rolled his eyes and gave the spoon another lick.

"Alright then, see you tomorrow, man."

"Later." Closing his phone, Patrick snatched the spoon back. "You hear that, mister? You've gotta behave yourself tomorrow, we've got company coming."

"It's just Joe, what've I gotta behave myself for? If anything, I should misbehave a little more."

"You know what I mean, Pete. Joe doesn't know about us, remember?"

"Oh, yeah... Forgot about that..." Biting his lip, Pete turned back to his laptop, trailing a finger lazily over the touch pad. "Y'know, in theory, this would be a perfect opportunity to tell him..."

"...that's certainly an option," Patrick replied thoughtfully, removing the pan from the burner. "We do sort of owe it to him, y'know, with the whole bandmate/best friend thing..."

"And he wouldn't figure it out on his own. Unless he walked in on us or something, God forbid."

"Mother above, I'd never get it up again."

"Don't say things like that, your impotence would make me very sad," Pete smirked, leaning in to nip his neck. "We're telling him, then?"

"We're telling him."
-
The next day found Patrick growing increasingly nervous as Joe's arrival time drew closer. How does one tell their best friend that they've been fucking their other best friend without upheaving their entire world view, after all? Trying to resist his habit of cleaning when he was nervous, he sent Pete out to do whatever it was Pete did back at his own place and focused on his work.

By work, of course, he meant watching music videos on VH1 Classic and eating licorice nibs. He thought today warranted a reprieve from his usually busy schedule.

Just when he was thinking that he should get up and maybe get some snacks ready, Pete came skipping through the door, swinging a shopping bag. An unsettlingly familiar bag... "Oh Christ, Pete, please tell me you didn't go back in that store with the fetishwear mannequin in the window."

"Well hello to you too," Pete grinned chipperly, bending to kiss his cheek. "Don't even front, you love it when I go in that store. You should come with me the next time, that girl that lets me use her employee discount would probably let us have some shit for free."

"Fucking hell, dude. Don't use your already dubious celebrity to get shit just because you can."

"You're cute when you use big words."

"And you're cute when you actually shut your mouth," Patrick chuckled, pulling the larger man down to the couch. "What've you got in there, anyway?"

His willingness to play ball made the infamous Wentz grin widen dangerously. "Well, they had a two-for-one sale on flavored lube," he giggled, digging out two bottles. "What d'you think, shall we use strawberry or blueberry first?"

"...I'm not sure how I feel about flavored sex aides..."

"They're a worthwhile investment, babe, trust me. I'm not sure you've noticed, but regular lube tastes like hand sanitizer." Unwrapping the red bottle, Pete cheerfully squeezed some of the gel onto a finger and licked it off. "Mmmm, not bad. Sorta like strawberry Fanta. Here, try some."

With a sigh, he offered his own finger for a drop, sucking it off thoughtfully. "...well shit, you're right. Like liquid Fruit Roll-Up."

"They had a tester bottle for the blue, it sorta tastes like Boo Berry cereal. Kind of an aftertaste, though, acidic."

"For the record, being a lube connoisseur is probably not something to brag about."

"Fuck you!" Pete giggled, leaning in to catch his lips in a kiss. Patrick smirked into it, keeping his touch light and sweet at first, but increasing the pressure as it deepened, slipping a hand into his hair. "Mmmm, Trick..."

"Does it work?" The look of surprise that lit up those chocolate browns when he pulled away forced an amused noise from the back of his throat. "A nice taste is novel, but the whole point of lube..." Patrick pulled him forcefully into his lap, knees spread on either side. "...is to decrease friction... stay slick when it needs to be..."

"Trick..."

"So... does it work?"

"I-I don't think we have enough time before Joe gets here to test it."

Glancing around him at the VCR clock, he grinned evilly. "I think that... forty-seven minutes should be enough..."
-
Late, late, late. Once again, true to his baser stoner nature, Joe had gotten lost in a joint and was now running late for his dude playdate with Pete and Patrick. Thank God the two of them were attached at the hip, he thought to himself as he fumbled with change for the meter; surely they weren't missing him too much yet.

The doorman smiled warmly at his approach. "Which room you headin' to?" He had a slight Minnesota lilt to his voice. Not that he had any room to judge someone else's voice.

"Uh, visiting Patrick Stump in 12... D, I think?"

"...wait, you're another one of those guys in that band!" The lilt got thicker as his excitement rose. "My daughter loves you guys, has your posters and everything!"

"Oh, wow, cool," Joe smiled, shuffling his feet. Hearing grown dudes gush about his band always made him feel awkward, though at least this guy was doing it because he had a daughter.

"Could I get an autograph? Janie would just flip, she wouldn't stop screaming when I brought home one from that guy with the goofy bangs."

"Yeah, sure, you got a pen?"

Once he'd left his signature on a Post-it for Janie, he gave a nod and a smile and climbed in the elevator, though something was nagging him as he pressed the fourth floor button. Mike had gotten an autograph from some dude with goofy bangs... The only person it could possibly be was Pete. But Patrick had said he hadn't seen Pete the whole time they'd been off tour. Maybe it had slipped his mind or something, surely there was no reason for Trick to lie to him. Unless he was feeling guilty for not calling or something. Oh, he was overthinking things again.

Safely on the fourth floor, he counted off the doors on the right side to himself. Two, four, six, eight, ten, and twelve. Joe was just about to knock when he heard a... curious sound. One that sounded an awful lot like a moan. Disturbingly enough, a moan he recognized.

He shook it off and raised his fist again, only to be impeded by that goddamned moan again. The last time he'd heard it was back when Jeanae was still the main focus of Pete's lyrics, but when you hear something that scarring, it stays with you. A shiver of disgust ran up Joe's spine as he remembered walking onto their first tour bus to the sight of Pete's naked ass and Jeanae's shins wrapped around his back.

But then, this brought up a whole new set of questions: why would Pete be making that sound in Patrick's apartment? Surely, surely Pete wasn't fucking a girl right there on Trick's Ethan Allen couch, and surely Patrick would sooner die of embarrassment before joining him in a threesome. What the fuck could possibly be happening on the other side of that door?

"...oh God," he gagged out loud, the only option left sinkly heavily into his brain. "No, couldn't be..." There was, of course, only one way to be sure about it. Taking a deep breath and shaking the heebie-jeebies out of his system, Joe leaned up and pressed his eye to the viewhole. "...oh my God."

What he saw was more disturbing than he'd imagined. Christ, he knew Pete was in shape, but when did he get that flexible?! Either he'd taken up yoga or was getting lessons from that Lyn-Z chick, because just watching the way he was bent over backwards in Patrick's lap was making his back hurt.

Hold on a second, Patrick was the dude?!

His face frozen in horror, Joe turned back down the hall to the elevator. He needed another joint in the worst way.
-
Pete groaned from the hard ache in his thighs as he came to. "Shit..." he grumbled aloud, unwrapping his limbs uneasily from the sleeping man on top of him. "I swear to fucking God, Lunchbox, the next time you bottom, I'm gonna turn you into a fucking origami crane and see how you like it."

Awoken by the vibration in his chest, Patrick chuckled and rubbed his face into his sticky skin. "You can't tell me it wasn't worth it."

"Yeah, yeah, it was worth it. Just give me more warning next time you decide we need to have acrobat sex. First thing tomorrow, chiropractor."

His chuckle in response slowly drifted off as he remembered something. "...oh God, Joe!" A glance up at the clock confirmed his fear; they'd been asleep for three hours on his living room floor. "Shit! He probably came knocking and we didn't answer! Shit, shit, shit!" Kneeling up, he realized he was still inside Pete, but it took surprisingly little effort to pull out. "Damn, that is some quality lube."

"And you had so little faith in it," Pete smirked, flexing away the soreness in his legs. "Fuck, I hope Trohman didn't get worried or bummed out or anything, I was looking forward to handing him his ass at Halo."

"Don't kid yourself, you know you never beat him." Jumping back into his discarded boxers, Patrick looked towards the door. There was an envelope sticking out from underneath it. Picking it up, he read the message written on the front and blushed uncontrollably. "Oh shit..."

"What's up, angel?" Pete took it from him as he sat down, giggling as he read it for himself.

Pete/Trick,
Stopped by earlier. You guys were... busy. I'm cool with it, just so you know. You should probably try to be quieter next time, though, you can hear it in the hall. Gimme a call later, once you've... wrapped that up.
Troh

-
Author's Note: For those of you who can't tell, all of my stories happen in the same universe, in order. If I've posted something new, nothing more will be posted on the story before it. Sorry.