love will tear us apart

love will tear us apart

you think no one can see the way your lips tremble and the way your fingers shake when you're nervous. you think no one notices the way you fiddle with the fabric of your shirt or your trousers when you're anxious. you act so arrogant, so self-confident, but i've seen the desperation in your eyes so many times that i know it's all an act.

when you kiss me with your trembling lips while gripping at the ends of my shirt it's the most beautiful thing ever because you're finally being true to yourself and to me.

this is love.

* * *

i'm not sinking, i'm falling into a seemingly bottomless pit but i know there is a bottom and that bottom is you. i'll fall onto you. you'll try to catch me, but ultimately you'll get crushed from the impact. you will break my fall a little, and it's not fair because i don't deserve that.

i don't deserve you. you're too good. i break your heart every day, but you won't leave my side. i hate you for it. i love you for it. you're the only one who has stayed, but in the end i'll be your downfall.

is this love?

* * *

when the seasons change i hope that we will change with it. summer makes me hopeful and even though you refuse to remove your sunglasses you're radiant. you always preferred the winter. the cold and the depressing season fits you in a saddening way.

your body is sharp and narrow and pointy and too fucking skinny and it hurts when you press yourself against me when we share a bed. however the pain of your pointy bones is a good distraction from the dull ache in my heart that i feel every time i watch you sleep. i can't sleep when you're in the same room because you look so vulnerable.

i just want to protect you, but you won't let me.

and i thought i knew what love is, but i'm just fumbling in the dark.

* * *

i hate your smile because it never reaches your eyes. i want to erase your eyes from your face every time you smile because sadness has become one with you and it's painfully clear from the look in your eyes. and it's all my fault. when i was little i broke my toys, now i break people and i never learned how to fix the things i tore and smashed to pieces. now it's too late.

love will tear us apart and there are no happy endings is what i have learned from myself and from being with you, but i'll never leave your side unless you tell me to. i know you never would, though. you need me just as much as i need you.

maybe that's what love is?