Just Mad Pain

Author comment: I’ve written this some months ago and thought it was a mediocre one-shot. Now after re-reading it, I think it’s not too bad and I guess it can be posted for others to read. I’ve wrote this one evening when I had a really shitty mood and was feeling very pessimistic >_< Hope you’ll still enjoy it despite all the angst :)


~ ~ ~ JUST MAD PAIN ~ ~ ~


Since that day, the one I realized I love him, my life has changed.

I’m not going to say I feel warm inside whenever I see him, or that I want him in my bed, or that I feel proud of having him as my friend, or that I say stupid shit when he’s beside me because I’m nervous. That I get goosebumps on my skin whenever he happens to touch me or happy when he simply smiles at me.

I just simply love him.

I love him.

And I will always be there for him. He can rely on me, he can trust me, he can be sure I will not fail to help him whatever the consequences might be.

Because his happiness is above all to me. Even mine.

This is why I can suffer through the pain I constantly feel now.

My life has turned upside down since the day I realized I love him - pain has become my constant companion.

Love is cruel in all possible ways. I cannot be with him, yet I still dream about the day he’d turn to me and smile at me lovingly, and tell me he’s always wanted me. I know it is childish and stupid to have these naïve hopes, the hopes that only bring more pain, yet every day when I look at him, I can’t help but think of how heavenly it would feel to have him for myself.

My Toshiya. One of a kind. The guy that always had a sparkle in him and made me want to be friends with him from the moment I saw him.

I will never forget that day. Because it changed my life forever.

Sometimes I think I can’t take more of the pain. It’s killing me, crushing me, breaking me apart, making me be hostile to people who seem to be happy with their lives, making me cut myself on stage, scream in pain, moan, growl, cry…

But after I let all the pain out, I feel easier for a time being, I let myself get lulled by delusions that perhaps tomorrow will be a better day, that maybe Toshiya would dump his yet another girlfriend and finally look at me with different eyes. And maybe tomorrow is the day that I was waiting for so many years. So if I finish it all tonight, I might lose my only chance to be with him.

And so I always hold back.

I always let myself see the sun rising in the morning.

Only to go to work and see him all happy and not even noticing I exist.

Yet one thing he told me now leaves me bound to this earth against my own will.

He was almost making sense because of the alcohol, but I knew he meant every word he said. I wanted to kill the bitch who broke the engagement with him, but at the same time I hoped that now I’d finally have a chance.

Toshiya looked up at me then with his sodden eyes, looking so miserable that it physically hurt me. I would have done anything to save him from the pain I was constantly in. I knew how horribly unbearable it was.

“Kyo” Toshiya uttered then, looking right into the depths of my soul. “You’ve been the only friend who’s always been there for me through all these years… I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you as well.”

And these words were like a contract binding me to the earth and its miseries.

I could now never leave. I could never leave you even if it only brought pain to my heart.

Sometimes, when I would no longer be able to bear it, I would scream into the pillow to let all my frustrations away at least for that one night. I would drink until I would pass out, or wonder the streets looking for a slightest reason to get myself into a fight.

I know I was a total wreck. A loser.

But Toshiya said he needed me. He said he didn’t want to lose me…

And it made me put myself together and go on.

For him.

And for the band he loved.

Sometimes, after a concert, when I would put all my heart into singing and scream my sorrow out, he would look at me with his dark sad eyes. Almost as if he knew. And was pitying me.

And I hoped that maybe… this time maybe finally…

…please God let it be this time that we’d finally…

But then he’d just take a shower, change his clothes and, avoiding any further eye contact, would silently slip out of the doors and disappear.

And if not the words he told me back then, so long ago, I would have finished my sufferings a long time ago. I would have put myself out like a stray dog. Helped myself out of my own misery.

And even now, when he was showing the pictures of his little baby girl and his wife, grasping the newborn in a protective and loving embrace, I cannot force myself to let go.

I cannot force myself to let go of him.

And I cannot force myself to let go of my miserable life.

Is there any hope left for me at all?

Yes. Yes there is. And I refuse to think any other way.

Even if deep down inside I know… all hope died years ago. Many, many years ago.

But as long as he needs me at least as a friend, I will be there for him.

Now, the only thing that keeps me in this fucked up miserable world is his words. The words he told me a few weeks ago.

“Ahh, I can’t wait until she grows up enough to go to see us in our show! I know she’d love your voice, Kyo! Because I think it’s brilliant!”

And who am I to deny him of what he wants?

I will wait until she grows up enough to see us on stage.

I will be there for him as long as he needs me.

Because he said I was the only one always there for him.

And I’m not about to prove him wrong or to disappoint him.

Even if it hurts.

so

damn

much

THE END


Yup, that’s it… Comments??? ^^