All I Want for Christmas

Heavy dirty white clouds filled the sky bumping and sticking to each other, blocking the sapphire sky and cool winter sun. The more the clouds mixed the darker they became. The quiet neighborhood was shuttered up tight against the forty degree winds. Across the street the neighbors kept their bay window curtains open so anyone walking down the street could see their fat evergreen shining with rainbow lights. In the darkening day the room’s overhead light illuminated some of the bright silver ornaments and popcorn garland she had helped her kid put on a few days ago. The whole front of their home was decked out with ice blue lights that, in full dark, seared the retinas like mini suns. Thankfully, no one else on their street had them.

Scotch, the color of melted gold, sat untouched on the end table next to him. Brian watched the empty street with vacant eyes, his thoughts days, months away. Michelle would be back in the evening from last minute shopping with Val and their mom. Until then he had time alone. Time to think.

He had too much time to think.

A sound tugged at him but it wasn’t curious enough to pull him from the depth of his thoughts. The sound came again and his head tilted some but his eyes were still locked firmly on the middle distance. The house fell silent and he began to submerge himself again.

“Syn, hey, I knocked.” The voice was enough to drag him back to the present. He blinked once, twice, and again until the neighbor’s tree came into focus. The clouds were the color of wet stone and smoothing. The part of him always thinking about surfing told him it would rain soon, great time to hit the big waves. He rubbed his eyes, “Hey Shads, sorry.” He said. The glass of gold caught his attention and he stared at it a moment unsure of when he had poured it. Matt sat on the couch next to him, close enough their shoulders touched and his warm body shed its heat onto Brian. Goosebumps rose on Brian’s arms and he rubbed them absently. Out of habit Michelle must have turned the heat down.

“Syn,” Matt asked, “are you okay?” his heavy arm draped around his shoulders and Brian scooted a little closer to him. “You’re a furnace, you know that.” Brian murmured leaning his head back. Matt smiled, not enough to dimple his cheek. They were both quiet, conversation unwanted and unneeded. Brian closed his eyes. The silence of the house pressed against him, crushing the breath from him, caging him on the couch.

He should be here. Any minute.

They always met up on Christmas Eve for brandied eggnog.

Not even the wind outside disturbed the silence. Brian’s eyes snapped open and he breathed deep, just to prove he could. Prove the silence wrong, he could still breathe, he wasn’t dying. Matt’s arm tightened around him and their heads bumped gently. Brian stared at the ceiling, the dark overhead light and kept filling his lungs. Silence and darkness crowded around him squeezing his throat, holding his chest still.

He would be here soon, like he always was.

The ceiling light blurred, it felt like his lungs had been stuffed with cotton. Without encouragement from a blink a tear ran from the corner of his eye and landed on Matt’s shoulder. Matt’s head moved and warm lips pressed against his temple. He didn’t break the silence but it receded nonetheless. Another tear trickled down and he closed his eyes setting more free.

He wasn’t coming.

Matt’s cheek rested against his forehead, his body was warm next to his and kept him from brittle year old memories that healed as much as they maimed. Another wave of tears worked its way up his throat but he bit them back afraid of breaking the silence.

“It’s snowing.” Matt whispered. Brian’s eyes opened, the ceiling was too dark to tell if it was still blurry. His gaze returned to the window. Twilight had come early with the cloud cover to make up for it though flurries no bigger than the end of a Q-tip drifted down. So rare for Orange County. The delicate pieces of fluff weren’t plentiful and melted as soon as they touched the warm earth. He watched them drift down and disappear. From birth in the clouds to death on the ground how long did it take? They had to love it, those few seconds of freedom as they fell. Outside blurred and the gentle white flakes mixed with the neighbor’s blue lights. A car crept down the road and pulled into their driveway and a loud horn blast shattered the silence. The tears trapped in his throat broke loose but they made no sound.

The blue lights, one of a kind on their street, stared back at him. Snowflakes, so rare and beautiful, slowed and stopped. Short lived in Orange County weather.


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A/N: I didn’t really plan on starting this out with a bummer…but I was thinking about how hard this Christmas will be for our boys and this is what happened. Love, hugs, cookies and eggnog for reading and reviewing ^_^