Innocent Days

Foreword

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not know the members of Shinee.  I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Innocent days

Sometimes I am this close to snapping.

He never misses an opportunity to touch me, hug me, pat my back, grab my hand, let our shoulders or legs touch when we sit next to each-other and I don’t know what to say to him to make it stop. Or at least do it less often.

I am not stupid, I know too well that the fans are delighted with every little contact between us and I know that this is just another way of marketing –but boy, does it get on my nerves!

Nowadays the thing I can’t stand the most is his close monitoring of me. I can feel him watching me even when he is not -if what I am thinking makes any sense. It’s like although he looks elsewhere, all his senses are still tuned on me. And I'd bet anything that it is not just a feeling, because every time I am talking to someone else I can feel his eyes boring into my back. And every time I joke and laugh with someone else he is always suddenly there to eagerly join in. And every time I sigh tiredly he gets me beverages or food or whatnot. I can't even trip without him rushing over in hysterics to save me from possible injury. I mean, it's not like I'm Onew.

And I don’t want his attention. I have worked so hard to be able to just ignore him, I won't let him get to me again.

Sometimes I get the urge to just push him away, but then again - I would never really do that. An idol would never do something like that -that’s what managers and bodyguards are for. And if I had to be completely honest with myself,  I’d have to admit that the reason I wouldn’t do it is not only because I am an idol.

The hurt look he would give me would definitely be the final straw for me -and nowadays my patience wears thin.

One incident that almost made me snap lately was his public proposal. I remember the blood shooting into my face out of sheer anger. I don’t know where he gets the nerve to do such things when he knows how much he has hurt me in the past. Doesn’t he?

So why now?

Is it fanservice?

Is it marketing?

Is he just feeling lonely?

And somewhere deep inside stupid me thinks that he also wants to turn back time to our innocent days: when I pretended not to have fallen for him and he pretended not to see it.

Sometimes I snicker to myself thinking that the group grew to be so touchy-feely with each-other, only because Jonghyun and I would make a point to touch and hug everyone else too after each-other. I know for sure that I did it to cover up my special preference for him and at that time I thought he did it out of the exact same reasons.

Yaaah, now I remembered again and it makes me want to slap myself: The butterflies in my stomach from his blinding smiles, his seemingly longing glances, the meaningful talks along with his heartwarming touches, all in all the gut-wrenching feelings I thought we shared. Well it’s already obvious: even I can be stupid…

...because then came the wake-up-call.

“Kibumie, I love you, you’re my best friend,  but…  but I don’t see you in this way.” He’d simply said and I hadn’t even confessed to him yet.

Everything came crushing down in that instant.

I never knew that someone could feel so betrayed. I felt as if he was lying into my face just to hurt me. Just to make me snap. In my mind it couldn’t be that he didn’t feel the same about me, it just wasn’t possible. He was joking, right?

But he had said it as if he meant it and all I could do was suck it up, pretending that he had misunderstood me too

 –and move on.

I remember muffling my sobs throughout the nights, feeling utterly ridiculous, glancing longingly at his oblivious, sleeping form.

I remember how much I had to push myself to keep up with our daily mind-blowingly exhausting routines, pretending that everything was just fantastic.

But I managed to go through it all in one piece and the nights became calmer and the pretending became so much of a second skin that I even convinced myself.

The days, weeks and months went by and I found someone else to share a piece of my heart with, someone I had never before thought I could be able to establish such a connection to.

Minho.

He cares for me, he understands me without me having to explain first. He respects my personality, which can be rather flamboyant and sassy at times -and he knows when to keep his distance. He is always there to hold my hand when needed, while he looks at me in his silent, understanding way. So different from me he is everything I thought I wanted.

I had thought that focusing on Minho would tune Jonghyun out.

But then he has to go and break up with his girlfriend, and have endless fights with the company -and naturally he just reattaches himself to me. As if we’ve never grown apart. As if he never registered that he broke my heart.

As if I have never moved on.

Now I fear that I am not that sure anymore.

He shouldn’t be getting that much to me.

I shouldn’t still be feeling all that anger and betrayal anymore.

I shouldn’t be able to remember my innocent days…

And I hate myself

-but I do.