Bless Me Father

Chapter Twelve

I slept for what seemed like days- hard, much needed sleep. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd allowed myself time to stop and rest. But it was like I finally felt relaxed enough to just sleep. Regardless of the amount of drugs I'd done- I was exhausted. The dreams that littered my thoughts were enough to make me smile- dreams of him. His smile, his laugh, his touch. Everything about him was perfect- so perfect I only wished I could be perfect enough for him. He was so beautiful.
The things I did for him- in reality might of seemed alittle bit extreme, but it was all for love. I loved the boy, deep down. And in my mind I had to do whatever I had to do- to protect him. And that is exactly what I had done, at least in my eyes I believed that anyway.
"Billy! Wake up!...come on..Billy please!" Joel's panic strikened voice was the first thing to catch my attention as I felt his hands taking hold of my arm trying to shake me awake. And I could tell by the grip on my arm that something wasn't right.
"Joel?" I asked with a soft smile, still groggy from my sleep. Looking up at him I suddenly had a flash back of the night before, and knew exactly what the cause for alarm was. But I couldn't let on that I knew, because if I knew- then I had to have been there. And if he knew I was there, well I'm sure his reaction wouldn't be too good. "Joel what's wrong? What is it?" I then coughed out trying to sit myself up against the wall to look at him. I had no idea how long I'd been asleep- but my guess was that it had been at least a few hours, because the sun was now shining annoyingly bright through the sheets that were thrown up over my room's one and only miserable window.
"The church!" He spat out- and I just prepared myself for impact. I knew what he was going to throw out in front of me, and it was going to take an award winning preformance on my part to keep my secret safe. "It caught on fire sometime this morning...really early!" He continued to rant and I did my best to put on a look of the ut-most concern, eyes narrowing with his.
"Fire?? Oh man. Was anyone hurt?" I asked all the while wrapping both my arms around the younger boy's shaking frame. I could instantly tell that he was physically shaken by whatever he'd seen that morning, or whatever it was he'd been told.
"No. But the church is gone..its burned to the ground!" He spat out viciously, as if he resented the idea of such a thing. I felt a small amount of guilt wash over me- knowing exactly why it was that he had paniced about it. His security was gone, in one sense all the things he depended on to have some what of a 'normal' life were now in shambles.
"That's terrible Joel." I frowned quickly, rubbing his back comfortingly. "I'm really sorry to hear that..." I said still trying to wake myself up- something was making it hard for my mind to concentrate. I couldn't focus enough to really comprehend what was going on around me. Unfortunantly for me I knew exactly what the problem was and my palms were starting to itch again. I needed a fix, before I could continue the lies- I needed something to calm my nerves. "Baby..I need to do something real quick I'll be right back.." I stammered trying my best to pull myself from the mattress. My entire body felt like Jello- no stability with any movement I made. The affects of drugs on your system sometimes are alittle less than desirable, I couldnt seem to function without the needle I loved so much. Loved and hated all at the same time. Because it was like some sick crutch I could never seem to get away from- and now was not the time to be running off and shoot up, but I couldn't help it. The longer I sat trying to stop thinking about it, the more my skin began to crawl. I needed it.
"What? No..come here.." He begged trying his best to keep me from moving from his side- I could see the urgency in his eyes, something really wasnt right. But it wasn't as important to me at that second. Sadly enough the feeling of need in my mind was taking over the feelings of love in my heart. I couldn't battle the demon inside me, because his habit was simply too big to overcome.
"Joel I can't right now..just stop this is important.." I nearly spat, my nerves growing impatient from waiting. It was like it was calling my name, demanding my attention. Regardless of the look of dissappointment on his face.
"Important like me!?" He called out- a statement catching me off gaurd. The tone to his voice told me exactly how disgusted he was with my departure, making my entire face flush red. "Or important like smack Billy??" He then added bitterly. Forcing me to spin around looking at him pitifully- because this was beyond me, he had to understand that. but some thing told me he didn't.
"Joel calm down I just have to take a piss.." I quickly lied, averting both eyes to the door once more.
"Yeah right. This is important to me and you can't sit still for five minutes and listen to me without having to go run in the bathroom and poke yourself in the arm!? What the hell is wrong with you!?" He shouted, his voice begining to crack with each word that he uttered. And the words began to form an avalanche of guilt, rolling back down onto me like thick heavy snow. If only he knew how much I truely did care.
"please...stop yelling. I care. I do. I just..." I paused as if trying to rack my brain for something, anything to save me from this arguement. But alas nothing came to mind and I just looked at him blankly, "I'm a fucking user Joel. It's part of me."
"Yeah. You keep saying that 'I'm a drug addict. I'm a drug addict, blah, blah, blah.' why dont you fucking do something about it Billy!? Stop fucking doing drugs!! This is important to me!! I need you to fucking listen to me, instead of running and hiding in the damn bathroom!" He nearly screamed out, a thin set of tears brimming in his eyes. This was getting very, very deep.
"You wouldn't understand." I tried to reason before dipping out of the bedroom rather quickly, only to hear him screaming from behind me.
"It's you who doesn't understand..Billy how can you take this so lightly?? My family is fucking homeless now!"
"Don't worry Joel." Came my shakey reply as I worked my magic closing the bathroom door. "I have it all figured out!" I seemed to promise to him all the while leaning my body against the door itself. And the reality to that was, in my head I only prayed I did in fact, have everything figured out.