Aberrance

Hey everybody! Finally got a chance to finish this chapter up..it seems like I've been trying for weeks now lol. The lyrics used are from Smoke by Natalie Imbruglia. I really suggest listening to the song when the lyrics start in the story and throughout the train ride. I could actually see everything in my mind like a movie while I was listening to the song and it really helps to solidify Tristan's thoughts. At least it did for me. Reviews are love! As always, I hope you enjoy!

Everyone was lounging in the living room. Well, everyone except for Jae. She had left earlier that afternoon to go check on things at The Lotus, saying it was better to attempt to get back to everyday life rather than sit around waiting for something to happen. That left the rest to their own devices. Toshiya and Tristan were sitting in front of the television engrossed in some video game. Kaoru was watching them while waiting for his turn, Shinya was reading, and Die and Axelle were curled up together napping. The monotony was broken by the sound of Shinya's cell phone ringing. They all turned to look at him and he smiled shyly before picking it up and glancing at the caller ID.

His eyes widened slightly. "It's Kyo" he breathed.

Tristan's body went rigid and Toshiya slid a strong, reassuring arm around his shoulders. Shinya finally snapped out of it to answer and he spoke quietly for a few minutes before flipping the phone shut again.

"Well what did he say?" Tristan asked excitedly.

"He said...he wants to see me..." came the bemused reply. Tristan lowered his gaze to the floor and then quickly got up and left the room. Shinya looked after him then turned his attention to Kaoru. "Kao, I didn't mean to upset him" he said quietly as his eyes moved down to stare at his hands which were folded neatly in his lap.

Kaoru placed the game controller on the couch and got up. "It's ok Shin, I'll take care of it" he said before heading upstairs to Tristan's room.

A soft but strong knock on the door brought Tristan out of his hysterical crying. "Go away!" he yelled through his tears.

"Tristan it's me. Can I please come in?" Kaoru's calm, steady voice spoke through the door.

The lock clicked and the door was pulled open slightly. Kaoru gently pushed it open wider and stepped inside, closing it softly behind him. When he looked up, he was met with Tristan's tear stained face. Before he knew what was happening, Tristan had flung himself into his arms and began sobbing violently into his chest. His arms instinctively came up and wrapped themselves around the trembling boy. Tristan burrowed himself deeper into the strong embrace.

"H..he hates me. Hitomi was right, I...I was just a mi...mistake" he hiccuped between sobs.

Kaoru frowned deeply and pulled Tristan back so he could look at him, holding him firmly by the shoulders. "I don't ever want to hear you talk about yourself that way again. Do you understand?" he said sternly. Tristan's eyes widened as he nodded dumbly. Kaoru's expression softened when he noticed he had frightened the boy. He slid his arm around Tristan's shoulders. "You're an amazing young man, Tristan. If anyone is missing out here it's Kyo. I would be damn proud if I had the privilege of calling you my son."

Tristan sniffled. "Thanks Kao, that means a lot coming from you. I was just thinking the other day how you've been more like a father to me than any of the other men that have been in my life, save for my grandfather. You've always been there anytime I needed you. Despite your busy schedule you always made time for me and my mom. Most guys would've been gone a long time ago but you stuck around through all the drama and bullshit and that speaks volumes to me about the type of person you are. I'm really glad that you and Mom are together." He smiled weakly and gave Kaoru a quick hug and then grabbed his hoodie.

"Thank you for telling me how you feel about everything. We've never really had a chance to talk about it before. I'm glad you approve of me, it means a lot" Kaoru said with a smile as he patted the young man on the back. "So now what?" He looked from Tristan to the hoodie in his hand expectantly.

"I thought I would go see Ayumi. She's my best friend and it's time I told her everything. I felt bad about keeping it from her but it was for the best I think" he said as he pulled his hoodie on, leaving the hood up over his head. He grabbed his sunglasses off the table and put them on as well.

Kaoru regarded him with an unreadable expression on his face. "It's scary how much you remind me of Kyo at times" he said distantly. Tristan shoved his hands inside the pocket at the front of his hoodie and nodded solemnly in response. Kaoru shook his head, bringing himself out of the daze. "Before you go, would you mind saying something to Shinya? He thinks you're mad at him."

"Really? I didn't mean for that to happen. It just hurt too much to think that my dad didn't want to see me, or even speak to me. Now that I'm thinking clearly, I realize that he probably doesn't know that the guys are staying here so why would he call Shinya to ask for me? My emotions got in the way but I'll be sure to apologize to Shin." He moved forward and pulled his door open, stepping into the hallway, with Kaoru not far behind. He ran down the stairs and into the living room. "I'll see you guys later, I'm going over to Ayumi's for a bit." He turned to Shinya. "I'm not mad at you Shin, just the situation. Sorry if it came off differently. I hope you have a nice time visiting my d...Kyo. I hope you have a nice time visiting...Kyo" he said slowly, those words coming from his lips sounding foreign to his ears. He made a feeble attempt at a smile and waved before turning, grabbing his iPod off the table, and leaving the house.

Kaoru walked into the living room, his expression grim. He looked at Shinya. "When you go see Kyo tomorrow you make damn sure he knows what the hell this is doing to his son. Tristan shouldn't have to suffer just because he and Jae aren't on speaking terms" he said gruffly as he sat down and lit a cigarette.

Shinya nodded curtly. "I was planning on it."


//My lullaby, hung out to dry
What's up with that?//

Tristan stepped onto the train and quickly made his way to a corner seat in the back. He curled up, bringing his knees to his chest and resting his head against the window. Eyes vacantly watched from behind dark sunglasses as the scenery passed by. He tried to believe Kaoru's words, he really did. He wasn't lying when he said that meant a lot to him. But all the kind words in the world couldn't begin to make up for the pain that his father's rejection was causing him. He didn't even want to imagine how his mom must feel. She knew him, loved him, and at one time he loved her too. He himself never felt that love, never experienced its intensity. No, he was certain that no matter how much he was suffering, his mom was hurting so much worse.

//Where are you dad?
Mum's lookin sad
What's up with that?//

Why couldn't Kyo just come home? Tristan knew he was pissed, even understood his anger to an extent. But he was angry too. How could Kyo just write them off like that? Whether he wanted to admit it or not, they were his real family. Hitomi would never be right for his father, nor would she ever be good enough. He knew that for a fact and deep down Kyo knew it too, he had to. He wasn't asking for much; he just wanted his father to come home.

//You're hurting me
I'm running fast
Can't hide the past//

It wasn't like his mom never tried contacting Kyo. He remembers vividly all the times she had called anyone associated with Dir en grey and tried to explain the situation. She was almost always met with the same result of someone laughing at her and then hanging up. She would curse under her breath and stare at the phone as if it had arbitrarily cut off her air. Growing up without his father was a lot harder on him than he cared to admit. Knowing he was out there somewhere, living a life so separate from his own not even aware of his existence, that's what hurt the most. Every night before he fell asleep, he would look up at the stars and wonder if Kyo was looking at those same stars and what he thought about when he did. Did Jae ever cross his mind? Would he ever make good on his promise and contact her? Tristan just thought of Kyo, plain and simple. He wondered what he was doing at that precise moment, if he was having a good day, if he had any plans for that evening. The simple things meant so much. At least they used to, before things quit being so simple.

//Bleeding is believing, I used to//

In a few short years, the child naivete wore off and was replaced by callousness. Even though he still gazed at the stars, he no longer wondered what Kyo was doing at that moment. He already knew that he was living a life separate from his own. He probably didn't think of Jae and he surely had forgotten that stupid promise he made to her. They didn't need him anyway. They'd gotten along just fine all these years without him. But somewhere deep within there was a flickering hope that reminded him even though he didn't think he needed his father that didn't mean he didn't want him. He pushed it down telling himself it was nothing more than a dream that would never be realized. He shook his head a little for the sake of clarity and curled deeper into the seat, trying to hide his inner scars from prying eyes.

//Why, bleeding is breathing
You're hiding underneath the smoke in the room//

He sighed as the train reached his stop. He stepped outside and began walking the remaining two blocks to Ayumi's house. He kept his head down as he walked, still lost in thought. Before he knew it, he was standing at the steps leading to her porch.

"Waru!" He looked up at the sound of her voice calling him and watched as she ran down the steps towards him. She jumped into his arms giving him a hug.

"Hey Ayu" he said quietly as he hugged her back, holding her tightly against himself, trying to gain the strength to tell her everything.

She pulled back and gave him a look full of concern. "Something's wrong."

"No..everything is wrong." He paused when she shot him a questioning look. "Let's go inside. I have some things to tell you" he said solemnly.

She handed him a Coke and sat next to him on the couch. "So..."

"Kyo is my father" he said bluntly and glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. She nodded calmly and he raised an eyebrow. "That doesn't surprise you at all?"

"No. You're the spitting image of Kyo. Why do you think I gave you the nickname Waru-chan? Deep down I always knew there had to be a connection between the two of you."

"But you're my best friend. I should have told you."

"I figured you would tell me when you were ready. We've known each other forever Tristan. There isn't a whole lot I don't know about you, even if it isn't common knowledge to everyone else."

"He didn't find out about me until just recently. My mom and him were best friends growing up. They made love the night before he left Kyoto to pursue his music career. He promised he would get in touch with her after he got settled but for whatever reason he never did. Obviously with no way to contact him she couldn't tell him about me. Then Dir en grey came here to play a show. I was ecstatic, thinking that finally we could be a family like I'd always dreamed. What actually happened was quite different. We accidentally met before we were supposed to, Kyo got angry at my mom for betraying him and I walked in on him lashing out at her. I snapped and yelled at him because you know how protective I am of my mom. To make a long story short, Kyo and my mom aren't speaking, so in turn, he's not speaking to me either. The rest of the band is staying at my house."

"Tristan..." she said quietly as she reached out and wrapped him in a gentle hug, "I'm so sorry."

"Me too" he said as he returned her embrace, resting his forehead on her shoulder. She soothingly ran her fingers through his hair. "What's wrong with me?" he asked in a voice that was barely above a whisper.

"Nothing is wrong with you, why would you say something like that?"

"Then why doesn't he love me?!" he yelled as his body was wracked with sobs. He held onto her tighter as he wept and she in turn tightened her grip on him. "Why won't he talk to me? What do I have to do to make him see that it's time to come home? He and Mom can work through this, I know they can!"

"I'm sure he will come around. You have to admit that this must be a lot for him to process."

"There's something else." He sniffled. "His girlfriend is pregnant. He's starting a family with someone who isn't my mom. It isn't right!" he yelled. "It isn't fair" he added in a whisper. She sighed. This just keeps getting worse. She ran a hand up and down his back. "What's happening to me? I feel so angry all the time. Little things that normally wouldn't bother me cause me to go into hysterics. I have the patience of a chopping block. I just don't know how much more I can take Ayu" he said in a defeated tone as he slumped against her.

"Hey!" she exclaimed as she pushed him up into a sitting position. "Don't you worry about a thing! If Kyo doesn't come to his senses soon then I, Ayumi Kishimoto, will personally march right up to him and tell him to get his head out of his ass and go see his amazing son!" she said firmly. He smiled for the first time that day and nodded as they both broke out into laughter. It's times like these that reminded him why they were best friends, if he had ever really forgotten it. When the rest of the world walked out on him, she walked in to save him from himself. She was his rock as much as he was hers. He briefly wondered if this was what his mom and dad were like before everything abruptly took a turn for the worst.