Aberrance

Hey guys! I am so sorry for taking so long to update this! I went through insane bouts of writer's block and then when that was over I was having issues with what events I wanted to take place and in what order. My humblest apologies for making you wait so long. I do hope this chapter will be worth it! I'd like to take time to thank my friends that helped me amidst my struggles. The lyrics in this song are from Endlessly She Said by AFI. They are marked with the // at the beginning and ends. The final line of the chapter isn't a lyric per se, but I stole it from AFI's December Underground cd booklet because it seemed like a great way to end it. The asterisks mark a shift in perspective. I think that's about all. Enjoy!

// Walked into our world and made horrible sounds.
I can still hear them today.
Strangely they seem beautiful now though they outlast my love. //

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, but it felt like years to Jae. She tried emersing herself in her work so she didn't have to dwell on Kyo's prolonged absence and his unwillingness to speak to her. However, anytime she didn't have something or someone occupying her time, her traitorous mind turned to thoughts of him. This instance was no different, as Kaoru seemed to sense her need to be alone, and took everyone else out for a few hours. She was left to her grief and bittersweet memories. No matter how painful it was, she reveled in them. Convinced that they were all she had left of the man she loved, she told herself eventually the searing pain that accompanied those memories would be no more than a dull ache.

// Still each time I always meant every word, every one.
Though, in time they finally bent every word, every one. //

She cursed all the opportunities she had to tell Kyo about Tristan but failed to do so. Suddenly those few times that fate had tried to force her into telling him came to the forefront of her mind, bringing with them another gnawing worry. Did Kyo look back on everything she had ever said with skepticism? Their friendship, confessions of love; had she instilled so much doubt in him with this one mistake? What if he never trusted her again?

// "I will wait for you," she said, "endlessly."
"I will wait for you." So spoke misery. //

Jae took a long drink of her whiskey straight from the bottle and winced slightly as it burned going down her throat. Regardless of how he felt about her, she knew that she would never stop loving Kyo. Ever since that fateful day that marked his return, it was apparent that not even time could sway her feelings. From the moment she laid eyes on him, it was as if fifteen years hadn't passed and that he had always been right beside her, if only in spirit. Her heart had swelled with such unconditional love that day. She felt a surge of pride and happiness at his accomplishments and overlooked the fact that she couldn't share in his journey to this point in his life because of his decision not to let her. None of that mattered now; he was here with her and her loneliness ebbed away.

Her eyes snapped up and she shook her head. She found she had a slight buzz and looked down at the bottle, taking note that she had drank quite a lot during her reverie. She stole a quick glance at her phone before picking it up. Inhibitions be damned, she thought as she dialed Kyo's number. The next few agonizing minutes were spent arguing with herself over whether or not she really wanted him to answer. She started at the sound of his voice and let out a whoosh of air when she realized it was just his voicemail.

"Kyo...hi...it's Jae. I know I have absolutely no right to be calling you right now but I need to talk to you about our son." She paused briefly to regain control of her emotions. "Regardless of your issues with me and the way I handled this situation, Tristan doesn't deserve your rejection. He didn't ask for this. It's not his fault that we..." That we what? Made a mistake? But we didn't. Never a mistake. "He didn't ask for this" she finished quietly. She could hear the trembling in her voice as she fought to choke back sobs and hoped that Kyo wouldn't be able to tell how much she was hurting; that talking to him yet not really talking to him was killing her ever so slowly. "What I did to you was horrible. Nothing I could ever say or do will make up for it. I just didn't know how to tell you after so much time had passed. But I should've told you as soon as I had the chance. You'll never know how sorry I am for hurting you this way." Tears coursed down her cheeks as she desperately fought not to sob into the phone. "Kyo...please come and see Tristan. I can even arrange it so I won't be here when you show up if that is what you wish. He doesn't deserve this. You're his father and he needs you. Please..." A strangled sob escaped her throat and she snapped her phone shut quickly as her body shook while she cried.

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Axelle watched from the doorway as Jae pleaded with Kyo to come and see Tristan. She had to fight back her own tears as she listened to her friend battle against the onslaught of emotions threatening to pour from her. She sniffled a bit and watched as Jae's head snapped up and wide brown eyes bore into her own misty blue ones.

Axelle moved into the room and sat next to Jae on the couch, wrapping a comforting arm around her shoulders. The older woman seemed to sag into her as sobs wracked her frame, no longer being able to fight her feelings. Axelle held onto her as she cried, tears falling from her own cheeks as she was hit with the raw pain that Jae was expertly hiding from everyone else. The back door opening brought them crashing back down to reality. Jae's eyes moved to the near empty bottle of whiskey and then her hands flew to her puffy eyes.

"It's okay, I'll tidy up here. You just go upstairs to take a shower and get calmed down." Axelle smiled and wiped away her own tears.

Jae looked like she was about to protest but then gave the younger woman a nod and a half-hearted smile before ascending the stairs.

********************************************
Kyo worried his bottom lip and stared with wide eyes at Jae's name as it appeared on his caller id. He fought with himself over whether or not to answer until finally deciding against it. Giving the excuse that he wouldn't know what to say, he waited impatiently for the phone to stop ringing while at the same time hoping she left a message. He missed her terribly. For the longest time he tried to deny it, telling himself he was better off without her, that she would only hurt him again if he let her in. Looking back on it now, he scoffed at the idiotic conclusion he had come to in his anger. She made a mistake, albeit a big one, but he thought it paled in comparison to all of the things he had done. Yet she always forgave you, no questions asked. He jumped at the beep which told him she had left a message. He drew in a breath and listened intently as her voice filled his ears.
*********************************************
Jae moved about the house telling everyone goodnight. She felt cowardly for hiding out in the shower and her room for the duration of the evening. She couldn't face them with her emotions in such disarray. As she walked into the bedroom, she heard her shower running. Before she had a chance to protest, her feet carried her into the bathroom where she proceeded to strip out of her clothing. She stepped into the hot shower and stared at Kaoru's back, not quite sure how it was she got in here. All she knew was that she was desperate to feel something, anything to fill the void inside of her.

Kaoru turned around when he felt a chill of cold air to see Jae standing in his shower. She smiled hesitantly and he granted a smile of his own as he opened his arms to her. He was surprised when she didn't fall into the comfort of his arms, but instead tangled her fingers in his hair and engaged him in a heated kiss. He moaned into her mouth as their tongues battled for dominance. Kaoru's hands caressed every inch of her flesh before snaking down her sides and around to grab her ass, pulling her flush against his hard cock. She whimpered and ground herself against him while biting and sucking on his neck. She moved further down over his nipples, licking and biting and then raking her nails over them.

"Kaoru...I need you. I need you to fill this emptiness inside me" she said desperately. He moved to hoist her up against the shower wall but she stopped him and turned her back to him, bending over and presenting him with a tantalizing view of her backside. "I don't want this to be gentle lovemaking. I need you to fuck me, make me feel alive."

Even though his cock twitched at her words, Kaoru couldn't help the nagging feeling that the anguish he heard in her voice had nothing to do with her need of him.But he would never deny her. She had come to him to alleviate her grief and he'd be damned if he wasn't going to try and do just that. Once she had braced herself with a hand against the shower wall Kaoru gripped her hips and slid into her.

"Kao! Harder! Oh god fuck me!" she practically screamed.

He obliged her and began pistoning his hips, ramming himself into her again and again. He raised his hand and landed a stinging blow to her ass, making her cry out. He then reached up and grabbed a fistful of her hair, tugging gently but with enough force to pull her head up a little. Jae fought against the hand in her hair, lest he pull her head up enough to notice the tears coursing down her cheeks She was glad the shower muffled the sounds of her cries, and that her tears mixed in with the rivulets of water that were running down her face and body. Kaoru reached around and pinched her clit then roughly massaged the little nub.

"Come for me Jae" he whispered huskily into her ear as he pounded her pussy mercilessly. His tongue snaked out and flicked against her earlobe and then trailed a path along the back of her neck. She moaned loud and quivered against him.

"Fuck me hard so I can come Kao. I want to come hard all over your cock!" He groaned and placed his hands on her shoulder, pulling her back against him as he thrust wildly into her warm pussy. "Oh fuck Kao! I'm coming! Fuck me!" she cried out as her muscles clenched around his cock.

He moaned loudly and buried himself in her up to his balls as she rode out her orgasm. He found his own release after succumbing to the sensation of her clamped tightly around his throbbing cock. He rested on her then, leaning forward so his chest was against her back. In between his gasps for breath, he planted small kisses on her neck and shoulder. After regaining their composure, he picked her up and carried her to the bed, where he made love to her properly.

Jae lay wrapped in the warm solace of Kaoru's arms and listened to his even breathing as his gentle breaths tickled the back of her neck. She should feel sated and content, but instead she felt hollow. She ran her fingers lightly over his arm which was draped over her waist and felt him scoot closer to her in his sleep. A pang of guilt rippled through her. Kaoru was such a good man, he didn't deserve to be tied to a woman who was pining for another man who more than likely wanted nothing more to do with her. She tightened her grip on his arm and he shifted yet again.

"What's wrong?" he murmured sleepily.

"Nothing honey, go back to sleep."

She patted his arm and he kissed her shoulder, sleep reclaiming its hold on him instantly. Jae closed her eyes and fell into a fitful sleep where the ever present emptiness haunted her even in her dreams.

// We were once together, now I'm simply surrounded. //