How We Stay Here (or Waiting)

How We Stay Here (or Waiting)
Part Two: Better Quiet

Downtown lights will be shining
On me like a new diamond

* Billie's POV *

I bite on my knuckles, trying to keep my sobs quiet, not wanting one of the boys or -- God forbid -- Mike to hear. I don't want to think about how Mike and I seem to be falling apart. I don't want to think about how badly it would fuck everything up if we actually did divorce. But we're not even really married.

That just makes me cry harder, hating myself for thinking something like that. Of course we're married. It's just . . . different. And, fuck, it's so damn hard. I wipe at the tears, freezing when I hear the bedroom door open.

"Billie?" Mike knocks on the door softly. I keep quiet, but Mike knows me too well. "Bille, come out of there. We need to talk."

"I don't want to talk." I say softly, but he hears anyway.

"It's not going to fix anything if we don't talk." he says and I tear up again. It's not going to get better anyway. He'll just lie to me some more and try and make me forget by having sex. "Billie?"

I'm still shaking my head when I open the door, as if my hand found the knob without my knowing it. I'm still shaking my head when he pulls me into his arms, kissing my forehead. "I'm sorry." he says, holding me tightly.

* Mike's POV *

I never meant to do this to him. And I know part of it is because of the sympathetic pregnancy. Throwing up isn't the only thing that comes with the package. The mood swings started a few weeks ago and the cravings aren't too far behind.

But I know I'm mostly using that as an excuse.

"Jakob asked me if we were going to get a divorce." Bille says, burying his face in my shoulder. "Promise me that's never going to happen to us, Mike. Promise?"

"I promise, Billie Joe. I love you too much. You know that." It doesn't sound right for some reason. I know we'll never get divorced, but it still sounds wrong somehow.

He nods against me. "Tell me what's wrong, Mike. You used to tell me everything. Even before we got married."

"Billie . . ." I kiss him again, running a hand across the back of his neck. "Some things are just better kept quiet, you know? And this is one of them."

He pulls away slightly, looking up at me. "If it's making us fight it's not better quiet. I don't want to fight with you. I don't want you to lie to me. I don't want my kids asking me if we're going to get a divorce. I don't want you to treat me like you think I'm a mistake. I just want you to love me like you did before, Mike. Why can't you love me like that anymore?"

"What?" I have a look of pure shock on my face. How could he think . . . of course I love him. Of course I do. Nothing can change that. "I do love you, Billie Joe. of course I love you. Why would you think I didn't?"

"It's different now." Tears fill his beautiful green eyes. "I don't want you to love me like Adie."

* Billie's POV *

Mike pushes me away without a word, turning and walking out of the room. I follow him down the stairs, trying to grab his arm, but he pulls away everytime.

"Don't go, Mike. Please don't leave." I reach for him again, but he's already picking the keys up off the table. "Mike . . ."

He doesn't look at me as he walks out of the house. I hear the car start and I sink to the floor, tears pouring down my face. "Some things are just better kept quiet, you know?"

This was definently one of them.

* * *

I'm shaken away in the morning by Joey who, for the first time in a long time, doesn't have 'attitude' written on his face. "Dad?"

My back and neck are killing me from having fallen asleep leaning against the door. "Fuck. You got school."

"Are you all right?" he asks. "Are you drunk?"

"No, I'm not drunk. Go upstairs and bring Jakob down, will you? I don't care if he changes." Joey nods, still looking at me like I might die at any second. "Go get him, Joey. Or you'll be late for school."

I'm tempted to tell him he can just stay home, but I don't want him to know something's wrong. I don't want anyone to know that I have no fucking clue where my husband went when he stormed out on me last night.

"We heard you fighting." Joey says. "Jakob came into my room like he did when you and Mom used to fight. And we heard Mike leave. You're not going to--"

"We're not getting divorced!" I snap, instantly regretting it. "Joey, just go back upstairs. You don't have to go today. Just . . . stay up there, all right?"

"But Dad--"

"Joey!" I swear again. "Please?"

He lowers his head and he walks up the stairs, dropping his bookbag on the way.

I squeeze my eyes shut, fighting tears. I'll just die if I have to go through another divorce. I can't imagine my life without Mike. I know I thought the same thing with Adie, but I knew in the back of my mind that it was mostly my fault. Touring and staying out late, being in love with Mike the entire time.

Now there's nothing that should be making us feel like this.

* Mike's POV *

I rolled over in the hotel bed to answer my blaring cell phone, which probably wouldn't have been blaring except for all the alcohol I had consumed the night before. "Hello?"

"Mike?" I recognize Joey's voice and sit up immediately.

"Joey? What happened? What's wrong?"

"You got to come home, Mike. Dad's freaking out. He's throwing things and drinking a lot and I think he might get in the car." He's in a panic.

Shit. "Okay. I'll be right there. Just . . . take the car keys and then you and Jakob stay upstairs in your room, okay?"

After Joey promises, I throw on my clothes and practically fly out of the hotel room to my car. I speed down the freeway, cutting off cars and taking exits way too fast. When I finally arrive at the house, Joey's waiting outside.

"I thought I told you to wait in your room." I tell him, but he just grabs my hand and pulls me inside. Nothing looks different from when I left last night, except for Billie sitting at the kitchen table, head in his hands. I glare at the oldest Armstrong child who glares right back.

"You fucked it up." he says. "So go fix it."

Billie looks up at the sound of his son's voice, his bloodshot eyes widening at the sight of me. I point upstairs and Joey climbs them grudgingly. I cross my arms after he's out of sight, staring at my husband.

He looks away from me as a tear runs down his cheek. "You can leave if you want." he says softly. "I won't stop you."

"Do you want me to?"

Billie looks at me. "Of course I don't. But that didn't stop you last night."

"You told me I was like your ex-wife!" I snap.

"No, I didn't." he shoots back. "I said I didn't want you to love me like her. I don't want us to be like that. And what the hell is so wrong with that anyway?"

"Because you--" I stop. I don't care how mad I am at Billie Joe, I'm never going to say that to him out loud. "I don't want you to think I'm like her."

"Then don't leave when it gets hard." Billie says. "And don't keep secrets from me. And don't kiss me on the cheek more than you kiss me on the mouth. Don't hurt me like that."

"You don't act like she hurt you like that." I inform him. "Half the time you still act like you're married."

"You have no idea how fucking hard it was to be able to get along like we do now." Billie says harshly. "Even when we didn't love each other anymore I still didn't want it to end up bad. I wanted us to get along for the kids. What the fuck is wrong with that? You still get along with Anastasia."

"I don't tell her I love her when I hang up the phone."

He flinches. "Is that what this is about? Me telling Adie I love her? I'll quit if it bugs you that bad. You just had to say something."

"I thought you would have figured it out. You don't tell your ex-wife you still love her unless you mean it. Unless you--" I freeze at the look on Billie's face.

He stands up, crossing the room and grabbing my arm, face set. "Get out." he says, eyes hard. "Get the fuck out." He drags me out of the house, pushing me out the door and locking it. He's crying again, but he turns away from me.

My eyes fill with tears. What the fuck did I just do?

---TBC---

Ummm ... sorry in advance?

Also, I have promised myself no updates of this until I update "The Boy Who Looked Like a Girl". (Another fandom, so don't look for it here.) So if there's a bit of a lapse between this and my next update ... curse out my writer's block.