Bless Me Father

Chapter Four

"I've got room mates...well, sort of." I forwarned to the boy as we made our way to the front door. I wasn't sure exactly what he'd think of such drug addicts, or even my chosen lifestyle- but the look I recieved when I'd asked him to come inside told me he could have cared less.
"That's okay." Joel then replied to me while shrugging, I smiled at how easy going he'd seemed to be.
The doors deadbold was naturally locked from the inside- I suppose for the one's inside to feel 'safe' from the outside world. And not surprizingly, I myself didn't even have a key to the place. So I began the ritual of getting someone's attention banging my fist against the door. A few minutes passed and finally I spotted a wide brown eyeball in the peephole- just gazing out at the two of us in wonder. I groaned getting impatient.
"Open the fucking door you tweaker it's cold!" I demanded while kicking the door alittle bit louder. Joel smiled, trying his best not to laugh at the sight, which I imagine must have been something. I can't for one say that I blame him, it was alittle bit humorous.
The clanking of locks and chains ripped through the air before the door itself came swinging open- chris' face being the first to come into view, eyes wide with anticipation.
"Did you get the matches?!" He cried out- eyes nearly popping from their sockets. And I almost wanted to lie- just to avoid upsetting the cheerful man- but I had no matches- so of coarse I just shook my head leading Joel past him and into the apartment. Closing and locking the door behind myself. Naturally.
"Nope sorry. they were out." I lied quickly while stuffinf the box of needles into his hand. I knew he wouldnt be so thrilled about me 'forgetting' his matches. So I made quick to give him something to make him forget all about it. "I want 4 of these...I'm going to my room now...bring them to mee after you give everyone else some...and a spoon, bring me a spoon." I began to give him instructions as I saw the rest of my friends strolling into the room, like vultures.
"Okay Billy. Hey...who's your friend?" He asked me in response, eyes doing a rapid survey of Joel- who stood neatly by my side. I could see the interests perking at the boy's appearance. Quickly I shook my head, taking Joel by the wrist. Sex and drugs. They go hand in hand to a junkie- naturally any person they met on the outside of our little "Circle" of friends is looked at in a sexual way. But not this one- I wouldn't allow it.
"Not this one Chris. This one is mine." I mumbled in order to establish a bottom- line onto the conversation. I could feel how tense Joel's arm was- and I turned to him and smiled. "relax- I had to tell him that or He'd try to fuck you...he tries to fuck everyone." I whispered to him. The comment made a small chuckle come from his direction, a good sign. And what a gorgeous laugh I imagined he had, soft and wholesome. "Come on, we can just go hang out in my room..forget about him." I coaxed to him with a nod. And as soon as I shut my door I could see felief in his eyes. "you've never been around junkies before, huh?" I asked trying to lighten the mood in some small way. I'll never figure out why I cared how he felt- or if he was comfortable around me, because I usually never cared. About anything. Anytime.
"No..not that...there's anything wrong with it.." He tried to assure me. A comment that I imagine took him alot of self assurance to even say. Most non-users have a typical patter of thoughts when it comes to drugs. First it's whether they agree with them or not. Then it's if you can over look them to see people who do them. I guess I worried he wouldn't understand. "I ust...it's new to me, that's all. how long...have you done that sort of thin?" I smiled, now we were getting to the good questions, the ones that really mattered. I have this growing problem with people who beat around the bush. If there's something to say- you just say it. No regret, no second guessing. Just say it.
"Now that's an excellent question, something I didn't expect from you." I started to him honestly, just annalyzing the question for a few seconds. "I shot drugs for the first time when I was 16...I'm 23 now so...I guess 6..7 years at least. Does it bother you?" I continued- recalling my drug related past easily. The rest of my life may of been a blur to me, but not that, that I knew for sure.
"Well...don't you worrythat you'll die? Does that bother you at all?" A question I also had to stop to think about. Death didn't scare me. I decided quickly. Death was like some sick comfort in it all- Like if things got so unberable there would always be death to lighten the load.
"Maybe I like the idea. Maybe It's a secret death wish. Who knows. I just do it. Have you ever thought of trying it?" I popped off- an even better question. I suppose druggies are always just looking for someone to get high with. But the look on his face told me clearly the thought had never crossed his mind. "Relax it's cool you don't. You're better off without ever knowing what it's all about." I assured him while slumping down on the room's one and only article of furnature-a single mattress on the floor, against the wall. What can I say I'm not much of a material person. Besides if I owned things like TVs and DVD players- chances are I'd just pawn them to shoot up anyway. So I just saved myself the trouble. I waited for him to take a seat next to me before I attempted conversation again- this time deciding to get a bit more risky in my choice of topics. I guess you could say my curiosity was getting the better of me. Because my head was just begging to take it there. I had to know. "Joel can I ask you a question?" I started- while turning to him rather curiously, just bracing myself for the answer.
"you want to know about the church dont you? About father rivers?" He said completely reading my mind, but there was a hint of aprehension to his words as if even the subject of the man's name made him just alittle bit uptight, or uncomfortable. Slowly I nodded my head looking like a curious child. "I uh...I....my.." He took a single deep shakey sigh- I suppose to gather his thoughts- an act that caused me to smile encouragingly at him. My guess was that it was perhaps the first time he'd dared to speak of such things. That I, of all people, was the one and only person who knew. "My family is very close to the church." Was his reply, a response that made me chuckle.
"So that's why?"
"well..I...that's- it's not just about that...but..my family gets money from the church's collection plate each week. They....they help us out so much...you see my...father he left my mother, with four kids...and. she really needs all the help she can get.." The confession had me flabber gasted, so of coarse I said the first thing that came to me- sometimes I swear its like I dont think before I speak.
"So you whore youself out to your priest, is that what you're telling me?" I said to him- as if amazed by the translation. The second I heard myself I slapped a single hand across my mouth at my stupidity. How humiliated he must of felt, opening up to me like that only to have me say something so cold. "I'm so sorry! Joel, really...I...I didn't mean it like that." I tried quickly to assure him taking hold of his shaking hand before I even realized it. But the feeling of his clammy hand against my own seemed to send tiny firewords into the air.
"It's okay. I know." He whispered- and I could see it in his eyes, he felt it too. A connection that almost seemed scary. "It didn't start out that way. I was just an alterboy, but...I dunno, he just...I didnt want them to stop helping my family. Father Rivers he said...it was my duty to my family. He said he'd have to start giving the money to the other boy's families. I...I just..wanted to help my family." He spilled out- finally giving me a more in depth answer, the truth to it made me want to puke. How could such a Holy man blackmail one of his followers in such a disgusting way? Especially such an innocent- pure boy.
"What a sick fuck this guy must be." I said thoughtfully, all the while shaking my head in disbelief. A priest. A fucking scumbag priest. I guess you can guess how serious of a matter that is- as it upset even me. Junkies are hard to affect emotionally.
"So...what...ya know- what's he do to you?" I asked to him, my voice finally lowering just a few decibles. His eyes seemed to cloud alittle, in thought I imagine- of whether or not to trust me. Me a person who could destroy his families financial stability by just uttering a few choice words. But regardless I still felt like we needed each other. Not in a sexual way, as most of my other conquests in life had been; after all- who's got time for love when you've got gak to be your significant other. but more as a companion sort of thing. I needed someone, he needed someone. It made so much sense to me.
"Just blow jobs...I uh..I told him I was saving myself for marriage..so he hasn't preasured me for anything else yet.." A blow job- he was giving a priest a blow job in the cathedral confessional that after noon. Undoubtable the moans I'd heard were not from him at all, but rather those of father rivers. My heart went out to that boy. I was almost certain he'd never even had his first sexual experiance willingly, and he was being subjected to something so horrible. And more than that his entire family was on the line with it all. The thigns he was doing for his family- were in one word- selfless. It blew me away.
"You...are an amazing person." I told him rather matter of fact like. And it was true, I thought he was an angel at that moment- an adonis in dickies.
"Billy..do you...I mean are you..." He stumbled over the words, But there was just something in his tone that told me exactly what he was trying to ask- so I just smiled softly nodding.
"Into guys? Yeah...I'm gay." I spoke up with a soft smile, and I could see a sparkle in his eyes at the announcement. And once our eyes had locked it was like magic- pure perfection. But before he could even muster an answer I heard the ceaking of my room's door- before seeing Chris come tumbling through the door. And just like that the moment was gone.